Good Times and Boxed Whine

THANK YOU

2007-11-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you again for all the support you've been giving us. The family is truly awed be the amount of people that have called, written, sent food and wine, or have been supporting behind the scenes. Carmen made a difference in this world, and we call all see that by your reactions. There are so many people to thank!!! Thanks to the Chiefs at DSU and North Island for all you are doing behind the scenes. Thanks to all of you also afflicted with Scleroderma who have spoken up for Carmen. Keep the fight up for her! Thanks to Margaritaville Key West, I can't even begin to list all of the things you've done. Thanks to all Carmen's friends, old and new, you have been wonderful. Thanks to Carmen's past co-workers, many I've never met, for loving Carmen so much. Also, I want to thank all those people I've been friends with that are now live all around the world, but reaching out to me at this time. I'll buy you a beer someday when we get together again. If I forgot to mention you then I'm really sorry. Those of you I've called and asked favors of for Carmen's funeral... I can't tell you how much you mean to me. Thanks Michelle for flying out here for Sharon and helping us out.

I'm going back to my private self here soon. No blogs or myspace for awhile. Please feel free to e-mail me at captrosso@yahoo.com if you want to contact me. I'll still read the responses from her two websites. If you are planning on attending the funeral and I don't know it, please e-mail me and let me know. I have to make a guest list so that you can get on base.

Thanks Again!

Mike

Carmen has passed

2007-10-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Carmen passed away at 7:08 this morning, on Oct 30, 2007. She was not in any pain and was asleep with medications. She died peacefully.

I woke up suddenly at 4:30 this morning. I had a lot of anxiety for some reason. I realized my phone was not with me and went downstairs to get it. I was relieved that nobody had called in the middle of the night. I took the phone back upstairs with me and layed down again. 30-45 minutes later the hospital called and told me I should come in. I didn't wake anyone else up and went to the hospital. I got to the hospital, held her hand, and about 10-15 later she died. The nurse later said "I kept telling her to wait until her family arrived, and she did". I was glad to be with her.

Memorial services will be held at the chapel on Naval Submarine Base Point Loma at 10:00 AM on Saturday, November 10th, 2007. A reception will be held at the Harbor Inn (also on the submarine base) from 11:00 AM to 3:00 PM. This is difficult to say tactiful, but the chapel is small and I only request family and people that knew Carmen to attend. For example, we won't have room for supporters of supporters. In otherwords, if you were a past or present friend of Carmen, you are invited.

Carmen had requested that that in the event of her death, instead of sending flowers to her funeral, that you donate to the Sceroderma Foundation in her name. Website can be found at:

http://www.scleroderma.org/development/donate.shtm

or phone number at 800-722-4673.

She thought that if you donate, and someday they can find a cure, then one day family and friends won't have to endure these hardships like we all did with Carmen. If you knew Carmen then you know this to be true.

A few days after the funeral, Carmen's ashes will be interned at Roscrans National Cemetary high on the hill overlooking the ocean in San Diego.

Thank you for all your support. The love and support you've shown during this difficult time has been amazing. She has touched many lives, and Dominic and I are awed and grateful to all the support given.

Oct 29, 2007

2007-10-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I really wish that I can tell you that Carmen was having good days but I can't. She has been struggling, has no luck when it comes to her health, but continues to fight. There are a lot of numbers (Trina) and a lot of statistics, "looking at the xrays, and talking about time, sweet time". The doctors and nurses have been great, and trying really hard to save Carmen.

Sorry about not calling you guys back when you call. There are a lot of times I just don't feel like talking about it. Those of you that know me know that I'm somewhat private and don't like to talk on the phone normally anyway, and it's taking a lot of dedication just to write in this blog.

I wish there was good news for you all. Keep up your prayers and thoughts coming in Carmen's direction. Miracles do happen, and she of anyone could use one.

Carmen has been asleep through this whole fight and has not felt any pain. She is comfortable and getting great care.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Mike

Another Day

2007-10-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

Carmen had yet another up and down day, another couple steps forward, and then a couple steps back. If you look at last night's post you'll see that looking at the numbers will drive you crazy. She can't seem to catch a break, but she's holding on still, and in reality that is the most important thing.

I got some rest today, then D and I went and raced some Go-Carts. Trying to maintain as much as a normal life as we can.

Tomorrow is another day and lets hope and pray for some positive changes.

Mike

Things are...okay.

2007-10-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I must tell you that tonight is one of those nights that I don't feel like writing. Maybe a glass of wine will help, BRB! Anyway, Carmen is still "unstably stable" which means every time she takes 2 steps forward, she'll then take 1.5 steps back. The she'll take 1 step forward, and 1.5 steps back. What does that mean? It means that not much is changing. She is fighting to stay alive and she is succeeding in that, so we should all be thankful. One of her doctors (pulmologist) put it into perspective today, saying "it will drive you crazy to sit here and look at numbers all day. When someones lungs fail, you'll have good days and you'll have bad days". That is something I'll have to remember when I'm sitting there all day looking at the numbers.

Thanks for Gina in South Carolina sending a wine basket (well needed!). Belated thanks to Candice and Seneca here in Santee for EVERYTHING that you've done. Thanks to Rex for jumping on a plane on last Friday and just flying here from Atlanta for the weekend. Thanks to Marie for driving over lasagna today.

But the real heroes are Carmen's mom and dad Sharon and Marty. My mom Loreen. My Dad and his wife Donna. These are the people who are keeping the wheel turning, doing the dishes, making the meals, visiting Carmen, cleaning up the house, and watching Dominic. Life would be considerably more difficult without them, or all of you supporting me.

If you are praying, or have a prayer group, the following is what I request. Carmen to again be deemed to be a transplant candidate (taken off temporarily for infection), be transported to the ICU at University of California San Diego, and be given a transplant. In a perfect world she would wake up again with new lungs and be able to breathe again.

Thanks again for all your support.

Good Day

2007-10-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Carmen had a good day today. This is the first time I've thought this, so maybe things are starting to turn around! They sent a fiber optic camera and suction into both lungs and really got out a bunch of stuff. She handled the procedure well, keeping her saturation levels up the whole time. They got out what can be described as gel type secretions from the lungs and sent them to the lab for analysis. She rested the rest of the day as they are constantly trying to "dial in" the breathing machine. She looks peaceful and her skin from laying in the bed is improving. She is retaining a bit of fluid, and they are using a medication to reduce that. Maybe we can tack on a few more good days in a row and she can recover from this.

Very special thanks to Carmen's long time friend Michelle Gumprecht who sent up a ton of sandwiches, chips, and cookies from Panera Bread up to the ICU for us. Carmen would have enjoyed that as she really likes Panera Bread. Sorry Michelle that our conversation on the phone was so short, they were talking to me about the procedure when you called.

You guys are all great. Your support is really appreciated. Carmen has touched so many lives, and it apparent in this blog.

Dominic is good, had friends over all day playing Halo 3 (school is out due to the fires). I came home early from the hospital to try and catch up on my master's courses in college. Tough time to concentrate on college courses I'm not really interested in. Give you more updates tomorrow.

Mike

Groundhog Day

2007-10-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well as the title suggests, if you read the first paragraph of yesterday's blog, today is eerily similar.

Here are a few different things: She is starting to get a rash and some bedsores the Navy ordered a new bed that has lots of air circulation, using different pressure points etc... The bed came in today from the civilian community and they will be transfering (with no small effort) her to it. Dermatology came up and looked at her and determined that the rash is not due to the antibiotics (good news).

Man, next time you hear about a newspaper or TV station bashing Navy or Military Medicine, smile in an all knowing way. These guys and girls are really the best that there is. Ask anyone who as been here.

Thanks to Margaritaville Key West for sending a massive "get well" banner. Marty, Sharon and I put it up in Carmen's room. Thanks to Gina in South Carolina for the food sent to the house. Thanks to Amy (love ya Amy) in Key West for the multiple cards in addition to Denise et al from Margaritaville for the GREAT gift package. Melissa at Margaritaville, you are a wonderful artist (banner and picture).

I know I can't thank everyone every night so if I missed anyone, I sincerely apologize. Keep your prayers and prayer groups working, it appears to be working. Chaplain Cantrell has come in multiple times (including late in the night) and has done prayers for Carmen. He breaks me down every time during prayer and Marty and I have had discussions on "the why" that happens because nobody sees me as too "religious". Well, I'm spiritual in my own way and in my mind there is a true purity about a chaplain saying a prayer over the bed of a woman on a ventilator. Carmen would appreciate that, both my reaction and the chaplain being there for her.

I really don't really like country music. But the song of the day is "I got friends that do" by Tim McGraw. What a powerful song! Listen to it if you have a chance.

Mike

Wild Fires, Part II

2007-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

Carmen's day had a few twists and turns. I would classify her morning as "bad" and her afternoon and evening as "good". She had trouble with the intubation today, with O2 and CO2 swinging up and down. Her body doesn't liked to be moved around, but of course they have to do it to prevent bedsores, etc... She is still in an induced coma (needed to control her breathing). Although she was stable in the afternoon, I still wouldn't consider her to be "doing well". There is no doubt that she has a long hard road ahead of her. She is still fighting though, she is tough and wants to live. The doctors have all used the word "tenuous" to describe her condition.

We're still safe from the wild fires at this time. There are two big ones, one to the south and the other to the north of us. The smoke is really bad over the city. This is a pretty bad disaster for San Diego. Man, what a tough time! I always believed that the true nature of a person shows in adversity.

Dominic is okay. He knows his mom is asleep in the hospital with a tube breathing for her and that they are trying hard to fix her lungs. I'm okay and holding strong. I felt myself getting a little stressed today with Carmen's ups and downs so I went home to take a nap for an hour rather then develop a bad attitude.

The doctors and nurses at Balboa have really been great. It is a very professional hospital, and all the staff is really trying to save Carmen. In your prayer groups, please pray for their homes and families during these fires.

You can send cards (Laurie) to my address at:
10270 Michala Pl
Santee, Ca 92071

You cannot send real flowers to the ICU, although fake ones are okay. If you send cards I will put them up.

You guys are great. I really enjoying reading your posts and knowing that someone is reading this (cause you know I wouldn't do it if it wasn't for your urging). I'll write again tomorrow.

Mike

Wild Fires

2007-10-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Carmen's day was again essentially the same today. She is stable. She is still fighting the infection and had a little fever last night. Her white blood cell count is a little high but she's still on some high powered IV antibiotics. Carmen's oxygen saturation is still good, and is requiring less power (best way to explain it) on the ventilator. Not much happened (good or bad) today.

There are currently 8 wildfires out of control in San Diego. Our house is sort of surrounded by them (north, east, south) but we are in no danger at this time. In different areas of San Diego, entire housing complexes are burning. The cars parked on the street here are covered in ash. The air quality is very poor. Carmen would have had a tough time at home today if she wasn't in the hospital. Maybe that is one thing to be thankful for. The wildfires will be worse tomorrow, and a lot of the hospital staff has had to evacuate their families to hotels and friends houses. In addition, the hospital staff has to ALL stay at the hospital tonight, leaving their families to evacuate without them. It's sometimes tough when you have to leave family to take care of your job. Sort of like when I left Carmen and D during a hurricane to ride it out at sea on a Coast Guard cutter. It makes you appreciate people who serve others.

Carmen has a bunch of balloons in her room now thanks to the Chiefs at Deep Submergence Unit. Thanks guys.

Thanks for are your prayers and prayer groups. Keep it up, she's fighting.

Stable day

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing much changed today. The doctors are trying to ensure that Carmen is on the right amount of sedation medication, and since everyone is different, this is sometimes an unknown quantity. Her oxygen saturation is still good. Maybe I'll have some more answers on her future tomorrow...I'll keep everyone updated.

Special thanks to everyone who is in the area and has taken time to visit and spend time with Carmen. Carmen's friends and co-workers have made a tremendous effort to ensure her room is filled with cards from the children at her school. Everyone who comes and talks to Carmen makes a difference, I think the positive vibe has an effect on the human body. I tell her about all the people who have called, who have e-mailed, and who have responded to this blog.

Day 4, little better

2007-10-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

Carmen's oxygen % was high all day, and they decided to try to give her a "Sedation Vacation" to ensure that her neurological status was still okay. It took awhile for her after 2 days of anesthesia to finally come out. Me and her dad Marty broken into tears when I told her to blink her eyes and she gave us a slight blink. When she finally woke up she startled Sharon who shoved Rex aka "Guy from the blog" out of the way on her way out the door. Marty was holding onto one of Carmen's hands while the nurse was holding the other. They asked her to squeeze her hands and she did. She also wiggled her toes when asked. Because she also was trying to breath against the machine, she was quickly sedated again. They are giving her less medication trying to "dial her in" to the right dose of sedation.

Special thanks to all of you reading this, all of you who have called or e-mailed, and all of you that are praying for us.

We came home from the hospital tonight to our house, with most of the grandparents here, Rex is here from Atlanta, and Candice is here, and we are eating, drinking wine, and telling stories. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine.

I appreciate you all.

18 Oct 07

2007-10-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well... today was a long tough day. Carmen's health kinda took a nose dive in the early morning hours. I got the call at 5AM that they were unable to keep her oxygen % up even while using the ventilator. Here lungs are real stiff and they need a lot of pressure to inflate them. Anyway, the doctors were pretty pessimistic. She was unstable most of the morning. They switched her to a special ventilation machine normally used on infants. Carmen's parents arrived in 3 PM from Key West and she started to do better! Her oxygen % is in the 90s and stable.

She is putting up a great fight right now. All your thoughts and prayers must be helping!

I'll give you an update tomorrow.

News about Carmen

2007-10-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

This is Mike writing this Blog entry.

Carmen is currently in the Balboa Naval Hospital in the ICU battleling a serious lung infection. All of your thoughts and prayers are needed and appreciated. She is a fighter and is in the fight for her life right now. She wants to survive and will not give up.

I'll try to give updates on here as I can. Thank you for all your support.

Mike.

my big call today!

2007-10-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Well I got a call today from UCSD, telling me that all the paperwork is done and that I am officially on the waiting list. She said to make sure I had a bag packed and a way to get to the hospital. That I can now be called at any moment. She didn't give me my score (ranking on the list), said that would come in the mail but that my blood type is A+ and that that is a much smaller list than the other blood types. So I'd be called sooner verses someone that is O+ or what not. So, as much as I'm ready to get a second chance at life. I'm sort of scared. My husband is away at the moment and if for some reason I was to get a call tonight, I really don't have a plan. I know I wont get a call probably for at least 6 months (all a guess but I could be wrong) I am just sort of freaking because we haven't finalized a few things, like my will and living trust that says " DO NOT TAKE ME OFF MACHINES, NO MATTER WHAT." I haven't even been to the hospital where they are going to do the procedure. I've always visited Dr. Yung at the UCSD in Hill Crest, but I'll need to go to La Jolla which isn't a big deal but I haven't even been there yet. So you know me I'm freaking out.
Man, I have a lot to do before this all happens. No not really. I just need to pack a bag, and get that living trust done. So tonight I'll pack a bag and I'll fill out the paper work for my living trust now and then all I have to do is get it signed my a notary or get an appointment with a JAG lawyer on base.
OK I'm officially having a panic attack. Must take 1/2 Valium and calm my nerves. Until I can think of something else to write.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm happy for:

The news that my wait will be less than others.
My dogie, its her birthday today. She's so old. I just look forward to getting new lungs so I can walk this old dog again. We will be a good match; her and I.
Dominic, he's been a big help since Mike has been gone. He really has helped out a great deal around the house and with me. I've been overly tired since Mike been gone and have had some terrible headaches. Why? Who knows but he's been a great helper. I love my boy, even when he's a pain in my rear end.

Sat. Quote

2007-10-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

"Good morning. Practice Love.... To be wronged is NOTHING unless you continue to remember it.... (Remember) There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site.
God is Love Rev Run"

3 Things I'm happy about today:

my slumber party with Sharon, Yvonne and Heidi. We all had a good time and great conversations but mostly about me this time which I hate.
still laying in bed and having a quiet house even though Dominic has a sleepover last night to. Silence after a long night drinking is always nice.
getting another day to live and spend with my husband, son and friends. Each day I get these days truly are blessing.

How do you learn to forgive someone?

2007-10-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

This has been a skill I have never learned. I need to learn it because it is one of the things that keeps my body toxic. I just have never been taught this skill; not through my parents, friends, other family members and even when I was in counseling back in Key West. Yes, they all gave me advice and told me ways to do it but I don’t know how to use the technique. I know me, not being able to forgive the past or what people may have done to me prevent my present from not fully being enjoyable. It makes it hard to ever really love someone fully and to let my guard down. I’m always living in fear of “what if” my feelings get stomped on again. I guess you need examples to fully understand how toxic this is for me and my well being.

Example one this one is pretty big and maybe should be the last one but it’s the first one that probably caused me to start not trusting people or not being able to let my guards down and to fear what others think of me. Causing me to take the easy route and simply shutting that person (persons) out of my life. This is my biological father. You know many people never, once getting adopted by a step parent ever have to worry about meeting or seeing their biological father; but sadly due to my health I had to find out what else I needed to worry about. Although Marty IS my father, I can’t turn to him when it comes to medical questions. I say Charles is my DNA not my DAD because he really isn’t. Anyone can produce sperm and make a baby but it takes a stronger man to raise one. So see, there you go, I’m already talking negative about Charles because of the past. Anyhow, in my early 20’s is when I had to find him. I had so much going on health wise that when doctors would ask me about any past history I would say “well my mom…” My mom is in perfect health, so she wasn’t any help when it came to trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was a little older when the adoption happened so I do remember a bit about my childhood; to make a long 34 year old story very short, I found him. It was very easy and that has caused me to never forgive him. I know actually he isn’t fully to blame; there’s a lot that is to blame. A bad marriage, the court system, the 70’s and things not being all that great for a black males, him not taking responsibility for his actions (child support and what not); the list goes on and on. Sadly once you give up your rights, you give them up. That parts hurts. I will never understand how anyone could give up their rights. I look at Dominic and think how could I have looked in that child’s eyes and decided “No, I’ll let someone else raise you.” Maybe Charles knew I’d have a better life with Marty and if he did he is right, Marty has given me the best life any child could ask their father to give. If that was the reason then I thank him, but it is still hard for me to fully understand. As a child it hurts and it still hurts now as an adult. I have been given the best life I could ever imagine and would never ask for better parents or a brother but I can’t lie it hurts that someone at one point didn’t want me.

Plus there is a whole heritage that I am missing out on because I am half black and my parents are both white. He tries now, Charles; as much as I let him. Mainly through emails, trying to work on our relationship and mending what ever I will allow but like I said my guards up and I fear getting hurt myself and for my family now. He had me in his 20’s and I know that a lot of years have gone by since then and he has grown up since then and people do change (shit I have) but I still don’t know how to let go of the past. I want to. I really do. I am not even sure if it’s that I want a relationship with him but I have a sister Samantha (actually 2 but one is MIA) that I have never met before. Like him, we communicate through emails and MySpace and if you read her page it says one of the people she’d like to meet is her big sister. I feel terrible for this because I am punishing her because I’m holding onto a grudge because of something my DNA has done. She always tells me that even though she’s never met me she has always looked up to me as a big sister or role model because of what I write her and the way I raise my child and present myself. It sucks. I don’t know how to let things go. I’d love to have a relationship with her like I do my brother ( and also my cousins) the ones I remember from my childhood. She doesn’t deserve this, none of them do. The past is the past and I should learn to forget it and move forward and allow people in my life that want to be there but I don’t know how. This could go on and on regarding my whole biological DNA relationship but it would end up being a book and I don’t really want to get that involved I just wanted to give examples.

Another is my ex husband. That guy put me through the wringer. He ruined my credit, verbally abused me and even a few times physically abused me towards the end. I could go on more about him but I’d prefer to block some of the things that he has done because it was so painful. But I hate him. I really do. I have visions of wanting to run him over in my car or breaking his knees so when he walked he felt pain and could remember the pain he put me through. (I guess I have watched too many Sopranos). He was just someone I finally let my guard down to and crushed me. Still to this day, I jump when someone enters a room, or am afraid to be alone at night just because of the crap he would threaten to me. It’s terrible. The problem is, he to may have matured and has become a better man, who’s to say, but regardless he’s not in my life and I haven’t seen him since the day of our divorce so why can’t I let it go and forgive? Why?

Another stupider one is once Mike’s friend Rex (sorry Rex that you are one of my examples) charged up my phone bill when Mike and I were barely dating and never paid for it. I was so poor after my divorce and waitressing, every dime was needed and I couldn’t afford the bill. So it screwed me up for the longest time and I hated, hated him for it. I hated Mike being his friend and wanted nothing to do with him. This went on for years. I was so upset about a phone bill. It took me years, yes years to get over it. Other things would happen during these years with Rex and it get me all boiled up again and we’d get into another fight and I wouldn’t speak to him for years. I actually think in Mike and my marriage I didn’t like Rex probably 7 of the 10 years. Pretty said again all because I don’t know how to forgive. I don’t know what or why Rex and I started to talk again. It’s funny because now we can sort of look back and laugh about it but it took me 7 years. 7!!

Another more funnier one was once at a bar crawl (when you go and have a drink from bar to bar) in Key West, this girl that worked with Mike said something rude about him and we were barely dating at the time but I wanted to punch her lights out. I mean I really wanted to fight her all over a dumb comment she said about him. I don’t think it even had to do with the alcohol, because to this day, actually as I’m typing I’m getting mad by the minute thinking of what she said and I can’t stand her all because of what she said. I still if someone brings up her name “Carroll” that’s her last name I don’t even remember her first name I want to flip out.

Oh and why we are talking about it, there’s another girl that I guess my husband and a few of the Italy guys had fun with and I wasn’t aware about Mike and her until Rex (yeah Rex you busted Mike on this one) blurted it out to me one night when he was visiting us in KW. Plus she was sending Mike all these letters (not really love letter but close enough for any girlfriend at the time to be suspicious about) Mike would just say “No, I was like a brother to her, blah blah blah.” Well I believed him until Rex busted him. The point to the story is this is Mike’s past, yet I’m upset and couldn’t forgive him for it for a long time. So you see, I’m really a mess and don’t know how to fix myself. If anyone else was to come to me with these problems, I’d probably laugh in their face (beside the DNA issue) but because it’s me I don’t know how to fix my issues.

I keep myself toxic because of things like this and it eats at me. Little things can happen with my husband and I and I will hold a grudge for ever or keep bringing it up every fight there after because I don’t know how to forgive and forget. Other peoples as well not just my husband, but he does get the blunt of most of it now, since I don’t have much of a social life anymore. I say I forgive, but never forget and that’s not healthy. I need to learn to forgive and forget because the only person that it hurts is me. I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t, I really don’t know how. I want to live and be happy and have relationships’ with people and live a life like sounds corny “As Jesus would want us to” but I don’t know how to let go of the past. Because of this it is screwing my present and future.

3 things I’m happy for today:
1. It being Friday and I survived my first full week back to work since school started. No more doc. Appointments for me for awhile. Oh and I am approved for 2 lungs. I found that out yesterday.
2. Soon as my dental clinic faxes over my stuff which they said they were going to do today, I will be officially be placed on the list and be waiting for my new set of lungs. That was the last of what I had to do before being cleared for being put on the donor list.
3.My friends from CT. Heidi and Sharon are coming here to visit tonight and then Yvonne coming over later on to meet them and hang out. It should be nice. We are having steak, rosemary potatoes, salad and apple crisp for dessert. Oh and I’m sure we are going to have numerous bottles of wine as well. That’s how we roll.

How to start a weekend!

2007-09-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and Friends,
I don't know the exacts yet but will know sometime next week. All that I do know is that I am ON the list. I will have more details like she mentioned in her email regarding my number (ranking on the list) and if I am getting a single or doublelung transplant but I am for sure on the list. The financial Coordinator told Michael and myself during our evaluation that Tricare Prime (our insurance) is the BEST and that I will have no problem with them. They cover 100% of all expenses.
You don't know how over joyed I am and can't control my tears of joy. I just feel that this is going to be my second chance at life with my family and friends. I am going to pray that the persons lungs I get, gets to enjoy their life to the fullest and then I will take over and live the rest of their life for them. My time will come for a set of lungs when it's time. I am not going to stress on the when, just that I am on the list and will one day breath again normally.
Getting a transplant doesn't mean I won't have any more walls to climb or that life will be peachy keen afterwords but again I'm not going to worry about the "What If's and the might happens" until it actually has to come to that. For right now I am just going to enjoy the fact that I may soon get a second chance at my life and that one day I will be able to walk with out oxygen, dance, sing, go out with friends and live a life like someone my age; 34..

Thank you all for all your prayers and support, I will keep you updated on everything I find out as I get it.

Overly joyed,
Carmen

Hi Carmen,

Of course I remember you! You were presented at Transplant Conference this week and were accepted, pending insurance review. The Medical Necessity Letter went out and we are ready to list you when the authorization comes in. We will call you on that day to let you know. But remember to live your life as we go along. You have done every single thing you can do and it is in someone else’s hands. Our financial coordinator keeps on the insurance companies to get the auth quickly. I would expect it sometime next week. Call me if you have other questions or just need reassurance!

See you soon!

Stephanie

Dear MS. Osborne,
Hello my name is Carmen Manning. I met you during my evaluation for a lung transplant and you told my husband and I if we had any questions; well one popped up. I was told last Wednesday by Dr. Yung after my heart cath. that they were going to present my case to the board on Tues. October 25,2007. My question is how long will it take before I get word, if you know? I am sitting on egg shells waiting for news and am driving my family and friends crazy (as anyone would I guess waiting for this important word). So if you can enlighten me on anything I'd love to know. If you feel better calling me regarding this my cell number. I don't mind however is you email me.

Enjoy your weekend,
Carmen

3 things i'm Happy for today:

God hearing my prayers.
Getting on the list
having a chance to have my life back

Our Lives

2007-09-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

As we look back over our lives, it is not too difficult to see that what we went through was for a purpose and helped to prepare us for some valuable work in life. Everything in our lives can help make us of some use in the world. Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic. Each thing that happens to us is like one tiny stone in the mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfected pattern of the mosaic of our life, which has been designed by God.

-- Author Unknown

3 Things I'm happy about today:

The pain that was left in my hip from the heart cath. finally gone. Now I just have to persuade the OBGYN today that Michael and I aren't into some kinky S "n" M stuff because I've got some nasty bruising down there. LOL!!!
My son, although he was grounded again this week for acting a fool (6Th grade seems like I'm back dealing with the terrible 2's all over again) he's still an awesome kid and cracks us up all the time.
My Michael for making me coffee this morning, and I didn't even ask for it.

P.S. Please pray, tomorrow my case is being presented to the board and sometime this week I think I should know if I'm going to be put on the list or not. At this point I don't care if I'm #1000 as long as I get myself on the list. My heart coming back good has made me a bit nervous but with the lungs that I have left I can't imagine them NOT putting me on the list, but it's just something else for me to worry about. You know me worry, worry, worry.

Heart Catheter's DO Hurt!!!

2007-09-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went through my final test, the right heart catheter for my lung evaluation. For anyone who told me it wouldn't hurt, they lied because it was pretty darn painful and I swear a few times I felt they were drilling in my hip bone. They said they probably hit a nerve or something but they had a hard time getting into my veins due to my Raynaud’s so they kept hitting my artery. This made me bleed more and longer. At one point they gave up on my groin area and decided to try my neck but that didn't work either so they went back to my groin and I kept having to tell them it was hurting really bad. They would keep giving me numbing medicine but for some reason I could still feel it. I wanted them to try my neck again because it didn't seem to hurt as bad so at one point I had one doctor trying my groin and the other doctor trying my neck and a nurse drying me tears and trying to calm me down because I was a nervous wreck. My anxiety did get the worse of me that's for sure because they kept on poking me. At one point I pleaded to put me to sleep (or drugged induced sleepy) because I knew my anxiety was the main reason I was so out of control. Not like yelling and screaming but just so worried that they wouldn't be able to get it and shit it hurt, so I just wanted it done. I really think that if I was semi- awake I would have been better and not needed as much pain medicines.

Gratefully, I don’t have hypertension, my stats were high but still in the normal range. So I have a good heart (but I always knew I was good-hearted LOL). Dr. Yung said that all those years of me exercising (outside of recently and me losing the weight) really gave me a great heart. Dr. Yung said that, that was great news but the only thing would be that it would lower my score on the transplant list, but that it would also let them know that my heart will survive such a huge operation. That later if I get on the transplant list, they won’t have to worry about my heart giving out during the operation. So Tuesday they are going to present my case to the board, and shortly there after I will know if I will be put on the transplant list or not.

The heart catheter only lasted about 10 minutes (if that) once they got into the vein but they just kept telling me that I was "so petite" that it was really hard to get my vein and my Raynaud's didn't help them either. It kept closing my veins up on them forcing them not to get the vein. I knew that would happen because it has happened in the past when they had to get my artery in my wrist.

Three things really freaked me out:

I could feel the tube go through my body. I felt it hit my stomach or close by (the nurse said it was probably pushing my ovaries and then I felt it right below my ribs and then I got a warm sensation when I guess the tube/camera got to the heart. That was weird. I felt like I had a worm in my body, like the movie "Aliens".
I thought I peed my pants or the operating table (I had no clothes on I was completely naked which was a little weird since I had so many males in the room, but like I keep telling everyone once you've gone through child birth and all the other medical crap I've gown through I have no more private parts) but it actually was blood that I felt drip down there because they did hit my artery once or twice and so it bleed a lot.
I got the shakes, not like a seizure but I shook at different places at different times. I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack or something. It was once they were actually in with the camera because I remember the lights being turn on and off for the x-ray machine. I remember my left arm moving with out me wanting it to, then my hand, then it would move down to my knee, shin and then foot. After it went through my left side it moved up my right side starting from my foot and slowly moving up to my face. Each place lasting about 15-20 seconds. I was more scared about that than anything and then cried for Dr. Yung because I was so scared I didn't know what was going on with my body. He kept telling me I was doing great that my heart look really good and everything was normal that it was probably just from all the pain medicine and my anxiety. I made him promise me and look into me eyes. I told him not to lie to me know matter what and he laughed at me and said "You're just like a little kid", telling him not to lie and to look into his eyes. I just felt if he looked into my eyes I could tell if he was trying to candy coat anything. But he said everything was OK. He also patted my head which for him is the first time he's ever showed me bedside manners so I do believe him and trust he wouldn't of lied to me if something was wrong. He isn't the type to candy coat anyhow but being that I was in the state I was in maybe he would. So any of you doctors, nurses or techs. IDC's, corpsman that read this and can explain the shakes to me please do. Mike said he actually saw a lady put herself in a coma her anxiety was so bad so maybe it was my anxiety but it sure scared the hell out of me.

It was a long day I was there from 7:45am or so until 2pm I believe because they have to make sure you stop bleeding, but last night I was still bleeding and going through bandages but that could also be my fault because I took a shower to get rid of that orange stuff they put all over my leg and neck but it has now stopped and is just super sore. I've been popping my Vicodin every 5 hours or so, so if this entry is not making sense you now know why. I had all day to recuperated and tomorrow I'm back to work. I'm limping a bit but I think that's just because my hips are already so sensitive (due to my Scleroderma) that doing anything else on top of the normal pain makes it harder for me to get over.

It's over now and I can say "Thank F'ing God" because all my test other than little ones are over and now it's just a waiting game. Thanks for all your support and keep me in your prayer that I get on this transplant list.

3 Things I'm happy for today:

My evaluation being over with and just praying, hoping, wishing that the board finds me a good candidate.
My husband being there for me yesterday. I know I was a big whiner. Even I said "Jeez, I'm a whiner but I hurt."
Lucinda and Monica this morning for making me laugh a bit when I called them. They helped me forget about the pain for a bit. Thanks girls!!!

Go Cowboys!!! Santee Cowboys that is.

2007-09-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

Santee Cowboys did it! They won the game 20-13. We are all a bunch of proud parents. All the kids did awesome and showed great growth from the pre-season games. As far as Dominic he started as middle linebacker and also offensive tackle. He did really well for starting his first game as linebacker but he did get a penalty which caused the team 15 yards. Ouch!! We won’t know the full truth until we get to review the tape but his side of the story was a player on the other team threw him down by his helmet and so Dominic hit (pushed) him. The referee only saw what Dominic did and called him on it and of course being my son (and Mike’s) he stood up for what he thought was right and argued with the referee. Needless to say he was sent to the bench for 2 plays and lectured by the other defensive coach (Mike let the other coach handle it) because it might mean more coming from him and not his dad. The coach told him “I love the passion you have but use it on the players not the referee.” So he did and for the rest of the game he kept his mouth shut and used his “tackling fuel” as I quote from my favorite football movie “The Waterboy”. Afterwards we celebrated with the neighbors who came to the game and had pizza, beer and the kids shared “kids wine “as they call it. So enjoy the pictures and again Dominic is #56.

3 Things I'm happy for today:
1-getting this slide show working after 2 hours of playing with it.
2- getting some of my voice back but my throat hurts a bit from forcing my voice the past few days. Damned if you do damned if you don't I guess.
3- Having a relaxing Sunday. I'm really starting to enjoy these days.

Feeling better - loss of voice

2007-09-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

So my sore throat is gone. FINALLY!!!! But now I have no voice or actually it comes and goes; like a 13 year old boy going threw puberty. Oh crap! Know wonder people keep thinking I'm Dominic on the phone, they hear my voice cracking and assume. Well that's what you get for assuming. But it's great when ever someone calls for Carmen Molina. I can just crack my voice like a boy would do and say "Nope never heard of her." It's true, who is that chick anyway? I haven't ran into her since the mid 90's or so. I mean jeez get over her already she doesn't exist. LOL!!! Plus I think my loss of voice is a blessing in disguise for Michael and Dominic because they wont hear me nag at them.

I had a long discussion with the principal at my school. Actually a rather nice one considering. I wont get into too much detail but she has had the rep. in the past for not having the best "people skills" but I really do think she likes me and that she know this disease is just a bunch of shit and that I really wouldn't be like this (always sick) if I wasn't dealing with such a huge burden. Any how she said she didn't care if I was calling in sick all the time, that my sick days are there for that reason. That she feels I'm a great employee and don't have to worry about losing my job due to my lack of work. I just explained to her my problems with this new me. That in the past I was always the one who would give up sick time each year because I was always so dedicated to my job and that I feel that I'm not giving my 100% because physically I can no longer do it. We went back and forth and I really wanted to give my notice because I do feel like a bad employee but she pretty much told me she wouldn't accept it. That she's rather me take a leave of absence if need be before me quitting because it is so hard to get into the school system here in San Diego (which is true, it took me a year and I only work 15 hours a week). She felt with my background, schooling and time with the district that after transplant and me feeling better that I'll have so many more options for a better job (not entry level like I have now) and wouldn't want me to give that up all because of my fears of being a bad employee. Plus if Mike and I do retire here which is something we have discussed but nothing is set in stone we have at least 6 years to decide that, that I only need to work 20 hours to get benefits like medical which will come in handy after he retires God forbid I need more procedures and Tricare may not cover all of it once he retires. So bottom line I'm staying. My hours changed a bit so I get to sleep 45 min. longer in the morning and that seemed to help me Thursday and yesterday but we'll see. We even discussed reducing my hours more if need be later, but I'm really hoping that I wont need to do that.

Tonight Dominic has his first real game. By real I mean this one counts towards their seasons record. He will be starting middle linebacker and probably offensive line somewhere. He hasn't started middle linebacker yet in the past because he was starting on the line both for defense and offence but the boy who played middle linebacker quit the team and so Dominic was the 2ND string linebacker and now has been bumped up to 1st string, I guess. So he is excited and not nervous at all but Mike is a nervous wreck and very jumpy. I asked him if he was nervous about Dominic and he told me "No, Dominic will do just fine, he is a good player and probably the best that we have left for that position. I'm just nervous about the game in general. I really want us to win." You see my husband has coached the past 2 years and we (Santee) are not known for being a winning team. Mike has never been on a losing team (other than his Raiders LOL) so this is new to him, the not winning and not doing good. I guess we just moved to the wrong city, because Santee seems to not push their kids as they do in other areas of San Diego like Skyline, Balboa, and Lemon Grove. Here they just want to make sure their kids get their ten plays in and will cheer like they are at a golf game. I'm not used to that either. I come from Florida where that's all there is for a lot of boys. Football and they are all corn fed. So we are a little demanding I guess when it comes to Dominic and giving his 110% and pushing himself further than he thinks he can do. He has become a great player but I think it's because we do push him and want him to see after each game what he can do better. I think the other coaches boys (a few other coaches have boys on the team as well) are the same way but that is probably why those boys are some of the best players on the team. So hopefully they will do good tonight and who knows maybe they will even win. That's what we are hoping for but personally I don't care about the win, I just want the team to improve each game and for all of them to really want to win and not to give up if they are losing in the first half. Seems to be a pattern in the past. From the practices that I have gone to I think we have a good team but a lot of them are first year players and so they are still learning (this is Dominc's 5th year so he has a little bit of an advantage). Our team is pretty good but there is a heck of a lot better teams in San Diego that kill us each year. I don't know where they find these kids who can throw like they are in college and run like a horse. I'll have to write tomorrow to let you know how they did.

until then,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about:

My talk with Mary ( the school principal). It really meant a lot to me. Thanks!
It cooling off now and being able to turn off our AC. Our last power bill was over 300.00 can you believe it. Freaking crazy.
Feeling better after all this time. Man I thought I'd never feel better.

My New Dilemma!!

2007-09-11T17:55:00.000-07:00

After my grand exit at work on Monday, I am not sure if I should be working anymore or not. Let me fill you in on what happened. First like I have told you in my last post I have been struggling with this sore throat that has caused me nights of not sleeping and it's been so bad that I feel that I can't completely swallow; like it's so inflamed it's sort of closed up. I think that is more my gerd but I can deal with the gerd, but this sore throat is out of this world. So I did have some white pusey (if that is even a real word) on the side of my mouth but then I also had the red raw patches all over my mouth. So Mike had given me a Z-pack. Zithromax for anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about. You'd think after 3 days of that I'd feel better but I didn't and Monday when I woke up, I knew I was going to have a lousy day I just wasn't expecting what happened. So I'm getting ready and it's taking me a little longer than normal but I'm starting to get used to having to add 5 more minutes each morning to my getting ready for work because it just seems to be harder and harder for me to get up in the morning and ready for bed. Not that I'm lazy and can't get out of bed, but I have severe joint pain almost every morning because of my Scleroderma and then once I'm out of bed the coughing begins. I don't know why I cough in the morning and nothing I do will let it stop. I can wake up at 5 or at noon but as soon as I'm moving around in the morning I just start to cough where I can't catch my breath and I have to just let it take its course. Some days it last 5 minutes others 30 +. Monday was one of those 30+ days.

So I knew by the way I was going that I was going to most likely be last to work so I called Monica the school secretary to tell her I was having a rough morning and as always she under stood and I got there as soon as I could. Thank goodness there wasn't any traffic because I ended up getting to school on time but I new by already having used most of one of my oxygen tank up on the drive there that is wasn't going to be an easy day. So I took the long walk from the parking lot to the office. I'm joking here it really is only about 60-80 feet if that but these days 20 feet is far for me, especially on days like I was having. So I have to stop every 15 feet or so and catch my breath and pray just to get to my desk. It was terrible. It took all my might not to start crying and walk back to my car and call it quits. I got to my desk finally and got to sit down and organize my "in box" because I was out all last week (besides Tues.) due to my evaluation for the transplant. I just kept having to crank my tank up. Nothing seemed to be working. I felt my heart was pumping in over drive and that I couldn't rest because I was so winded. I've had these days in the past but usually they go away after a day or so but looking back I've been sick since I started back to work. This is not like me at all.

So Lucinda (the school clerk), noticed that I wasn't feeling good and thought that maybe it was my nerves for my heart catheter coming up but I told her, I just can't breath, my throat is so sore and I don't know if I can take working any more. I started to get teary eyed and forced myself to stop. I hate to show people my weak side. But today was different. I don't know if it was being sick, winded, lack of sleep or what but people could see I wasn't right. Monica called my husband and told him to pick me up and then we decided that it'd be faster for her to drive me home but then I was so winded she had to use the wheel chair to get me out to her car. A wheel chair again. You know how I love wheel chairs so then again I just felt helpless. I hate this.

All day yesterday in between my complaining of my throat and not being able to sleep I would think of the pros and cons of continuing to work. I mean we don't need me to work because of the SSDI I receive, but like anyone a little extra cash doesn't hurt anyone. Plus the fact I get really depressed being home alone so going to work does me some good. I get to talk to people, meet new people, see kids which I love working with and also it gets my mind of my disease and how sick I am. But if I'm so sick and pushing myself and sick at work is it worth it? I just don't know.

I have never been a quitter in anything I've done. If I ever left a job it was because I had another one lined up. Not just because, but now I am not sure I can do that anymore. I do better in the later mornings and probably could work if I worked like 9-12 or even 8:30-11:30 but I think they need me in the early am so I believe that is out of the question. I just simply don't know what is the best thing for me. I mean I look at my health and think I only have 28 or 27% total lung capability and I am still working. It's only 3 hours but it's something. But I wonder how many other people would still be working if they were in my shoes. I think a lot of people would of left their job a long time ago but I'm always trying to please others that I put me last. Looking back I've been sick since I started back to work so I just don't know if this is my body telling me that it's had enough and to let it rest. I don't know! It saddens me to have to make a decision like this because I don't want to make the wrong one. I spoke to Monica on Monday night telling her I wouldn't be in today and she said "We just want you to get better, that you are such an inspiration to so many of us." Those words hurt me because I'm so afraid of letting someone down. I don't care if I'm not an inspiration to someone but like I said I am a people pleaser and I just don't want to let anyone down know matter who they are. But when is enough, enough. I just don't know. I've cried many of tears these past few days because I simply don't know what to do. In my mind I say "suck it up and keep working" but in my heart and when I see myself in the mirror I look so frail and sick that I say "Quit beating yourself up and stop working." People keep commenting on my weight lose and dark circles and I don't know if these are all signs that I should be looking at and throwing in the towel. I just don't know. So if you have anything to contribute to this I am all ears. Because I need to make a decision here soon. Thanks to reading my venting.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Monica for going out of her way and taking me home the other day. Thank you very much.
My husband because he has really been trying to be supportive in what I need to decide. He doesn't tell me either way what to do he simply listens.
Yvonne, because she is a great listener when she lets other people talk. LOL!!!

Final Day= Day 3

2007-09-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the day I have dreaded the most (other than the 18Th when I get my heart catheter). It was a day full of my favorite test in the world (being very sarcastic) PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test). My day didn't start off on a great start either. I was woke up numerous times with this sore throat and pain in my chest in the night. Then the cleaners came (on time ) which is not normal so we were rushed out of the house and finally once we got to the hospital we realized that we took the spare keys and my medical scooter key is on my set of keys. So I wasn't able to use my scooter and Mike had to wheel me around in a wheel chair. I hate wheel chairs. Some people would probably prefer being wheeled around over a scooter but for me it takes away my only form of independence. I really feel like a cripple, so I wasn't very happy but I only had to go to two different places today so it wasn't so bad I guess.

So, off to the Pulmonary laboratory. The respiratory tech was extremely nice her name was Brenda and she was the nicest tech. I've ever had. She didn't push like a drill sergeant like the past ones. She actually reminded me of a lady I work with Lucinda. She looked so much like her that she could pass as one of her sisters. Anyways, we had to do my test inside that glass box which sort of made me panic but she was pretty soothing and Michael was in the room so my anxiety wasn't so bad. It was there but not like yesterdays when he wasn't in the room. So I did the best as I could which isn't much and I believe that my TLC (total lung capability) was somewhere in the 20's. Pretty bad, but I guess that is why we are getting me on this transplant list hopefully.

Once the breathing test were done, she had to draw blood from my artery not my vein this is called ABG. It's a little harder and more painful but lucky for me she took my advice and gave me a shot of lidacane (sp) before she went fishing in my wrist and she got in on the 1st try. The last time they tried to do that it took 4 techs and 2 doctors poking at me until they finally decided to numb me up so I didn't feel the pain. If I remember right I think she said that, that reading came back that my oxygen levels were in the 80's which also has dropped since the last time. Before it was in good range in the 90's.

After that was done we "attempted" to do a walking test on the treadmill and we didn't get very far. My blood pressure kept dropping and I got winded the first try and the second light headed and my BP went like 80/60 so they decided to end the test and not even attempt the 6 minute walk with out oxygen. THANK GOD because I wasn't looking forward to that at all. I haven't walked that long in over a year especially with out oxygen. So I don't know if this is good or bad I guess it's bad but in a way it's also good because it helps them know that I'm not faking when I tell people that I can't do a lot of things.

Once that was all over we had to go get my skin test read and all that came back normal and my day was over. My test are all done other than my heart catheter and a few other thing I need to get checked like pap smear, eyes, and dental. I believe by the end of the month (even sooner maybe) they will have reviewed my case and I will know if I am a candidate or not. Keep your fingers crossed.

I still have this rock in the chest and sore throat but I am going to pour me a glass a wine to celebrate being over all these test. Who knows maybe the warmth of the wine will make me feel better. Wishful thinking I guess. LOL!!

3 things I'm happy about:

Being done with the week and all these test. Man what a full week I've had.
My husband for pushing me around all day at the hospital. He's so good. Even though I hate the wheel chair and would much rather be in my scooter, he never complains about wheeling me around when he has to.
Felicita and Margarita, they let me come home to a clean house with all the dust and dog hair gone. Thanks ladies.

Test Day 2= not as easy as day one

2007-09-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

So today was more the physical stuff. It was a LONG day and I'm glad to be over with it. My day started at 9am with a Chest CT Scan and CXR (chest x-ray). From there I had to get an Echo cardiogram and a EKG. Also not too bad but for some reason Echo's are painful for me in some areas. All by my ribs are very sensitive. The lady said it was because I didn't have any meat there, that I was all skin and bones and so petite. I guess I should take that as a compliment but I'm starting to worry a bit about my weight. I need to sort of stay in this weight range (per Dr. Yung) and everyone keeps telling me "how skinny I am, or so petite I am". I have lost another 2 pounds since the last time I was weighed and now weigh 123 but I haven't been lying about my height I truly am 5'2. I actually thought that I had shrunk a little but I think it's just my son is getting taller. LOL!!!

From the echo/EKG I had to do a procedure that I never did before and it freaked the shit out of me. For anyone that doesn't know me I'm REALLY Claustrophobic and so this procedure had me cover my nose and mouth with a mask and well needless to say I was a bit freaked by the whole idea. The procedure is called Ventilation/Perfusion Scan. They actually inject me with some radiology to be able to see my lungs better. The first part was the worst for me, that is where I wear like this oxygen mask around my whole face and they inject a gas I have to breath. I have to keep the mask on for about 6 minutes or so but to me it felt like an hour. The techs. kept telling me how great I was doing but I think they could see the tears and worry I had on my face. Once that was over they injected me with so fluid that highlights my lungs so they can take better pictures of my not so pretty lungs. Most people would prefer the other procedure over this but I've been poked and pricked so many times with this disease that I prefer getting injected or things drawn from me over anything over my face any day.

I ended my day with a Bone Density test which I've had before so it wasn't bad at all. I actually got to lay down for that test and I was really ready for that at this time. My day finally ended after that test and I was able to go home for a much needed nap. Sadly I must of caught something while being in the hospital or something because I've had a sore throat since last night and also my acid reflux is bothering me again and now I feel like I have something stuck in the chest. I've been real good about taking my prevacid and now popping Tums but the pain is still there. It's been a long time since I've had one of these episodes so I hope it goes away soon. That and this sore throat kept me up all night so I just hope that it doesn't interfere with tomorrow test. Ok again I'm signing off but will give you all the details of tomorrow, tomorrow.

Carmen San Diego

3 things I am happy about today:

Getting day 2 over with.
Everyone I met today being very nice and actually sociable. That's a first for me; to have everyone really nice and going out of their way for Michael and myself.
It cooling off in Santee finally enough to turn the AC off which means hopefully our electric bill will go back down under 200.00 again here soon. Back in the low 100's would be ideal.

Day one of Lung Evaluation

2007-09-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here in a while for a few reasons. One I started back to work. Yes my summer is over and of course the first day of work I get sick. I'm not sure if it was being around people again or the fact that the office was filled with dust and I'm HIGHLY allergic to dust and so being around it made my allergies go into over drive. I even had to ask Michael (my lovely husband) to go out and purchase me and air purifier for my desk. So 80.00 later my office is pretty much clean of it's air pollution. I noticed a big change in how I felt at work on Tues, after the machine had a few days to kick in. I am a happy camper at work again and it is great getting out of the house again and seeing my school friends and all the kiddos.

Two- I have been a little nervous about my transplant evaluation and so I sort of stayed away from the computer all together. I was nervous because I was sick and wasn't sure how I'd handle the test and there still is the possibility that I may not be a good candidate after this is all said and done.

So today I'm back and I did my 1st day of my evaluation. Today was extremely long and draining both physically and mentally. Probably more mentally because I had to talk to everyone involved in the transplant process and they each tell you the same thing over and over and in different ways to make sure you are aware that getting a transplant is not a guarantee. I have to give them stool samples today and a jug of my 24 hour urine. Pretty gross I know. I also had to give like 30 tubes of blood today and got extremely light headed afterwards because I hadn't ate anything yet but a few grapes and some water. Then I had to pee again for them and get a TB test and a Candina test as well (both skin test). Then I have to speak to nurses, social workers, doctors, case managers, and so forth. Lucky my doctor got called out so he delayed my appointmentby an hour so I was able to go in one of the rooms at the hospital and connect to their oxygen and take a nap. That was a big help because I was running out of oxygen and I was so tired from all the stuff I had to go through. Over all it was a successful day I believe and it means that I am one more step closer to having them review my case and hopefully getting on that list.

So this is going to be short because I've had a long day and I'm hungry and tired and need a long hot bath. Until tomorrow when I tell you what I get to go through then.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Getting day one of three complete in the 3 day process. After these 3 days I only have to get my heart catheter done on the 18th and I should be done with the big stuff.
My husband because he really is helping me so much with all these appointment and helping he get through this f'ing disease.
Being able to relax for a moment. Today was so long!!!!!