Good Times and Boxed Whine

THANK YOU

2007-11-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you again for all the support you've been giving us. The family is truly awed be the amount of people that have called, written, sent food and wine, or have been supporting behind the scenes. Carmen made a difference in this world, and we call all see that by your reactions. There are so many people to thank!!! Thanks to the Chiefs at DSU and North Island for all you are doing behind the scenes. Thanks to all of you also afflicted with Scleroderma who have spoken up for Carmen. Keep the fight up for her! Thanks to Margaritaville Key West, I can't even begin to list all of the things you've done. Thanks to all Carmen's friends, old and new, you have been wonderful. Thanks to Carmen's past co-workers, many I've never met, for loving Carmen so much. Also, I want to thank all those people I've been friends with that are now live all around the world, but reaching out to me at this time. I'll buy you a beer someday when we get together again. If I forgot to mention you then I'm really sorry. Those of you I've called and asked favors of for Carmen's funeral... I can't tell you how much you mean to me. Thanks Michelle for flying out here for Sharon and helping us out.

I'm going back to my private self here soon. No blogs or myspace for awhile. Please feel free to e-mail me at captrosso@yahoo.com if you want to contact me. I'll still read the responses from her two websites. If you are planning on attending the funeral and I don't know it, please e-mail me and let me know. I have to make a guest list so that you can get on base.

Thanks Again!

Mike

Carmen has passed

2007-10-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Carmen passed away at 7:08 this morning, on Oct 30, 2007. She was not in any pain and was asleep with medications. She died peacefully.

I woke up suddenly at 4:30 this morning. I had a lot of anxiety for some reason. I realized my phone was not with me and went downstairs to get it. I was relieved that nobody had called in the middle of the night. I took the phone back upstairs with me and layed down again. 30-45 minutes later the hospital called and told me I should come in. I didn't wake anyone else up and went to the hospital. I got to the hospital, held her hand, and about 10-15 later she died. The nurse later said "I kept telling her to wait until her family arrived, and she did". I was glad to be with her.

Memorial services will be held at the chapel on Naval Submarine Base Point Loma at 10:00 AM on Saturday, November 10th, 2007. A reception will be held at the Harbor Inn (also on the submarine base) from 11:00 AM to 3:00 PM. This is difficult to say tactiful, but the chapel is small and I only request family and people that knew Carmen to attend. For example, we won't have room for supporters of supporters. In otherwords, if you were a past or present friend of Carmen, you are invited.

Carmen had requested that that in the event of her death, instead of sending flowers to her funeral, that you donate to the Sceroderma Foundation in her name. Website can be found at:

http://www.scleroderma.org/development/donate.shtm

or phone number at 800-722-4673.

She thought that if you donate, and someday they can find a cure, then one day family and friends won't have to endure these hardships like we all did with Carmen. If you knew Carmen then you know this to be true.

A few days after the funeral, Carmen's ashes will be interned at Roscrans National Cemetary high on the hill overlooking the ocean in San Diego.

Thank you for all your support. The love and support you've shown during this difficult time has been amazing. She has touched many lives, and Dominic and I are awed and grateful to all the support given.

Oct 29, 2007

2007-10-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I really wish that I can tell you that Carmen was having good days but I can't. She has been struggling, has no luck when it comes to her health, but continues to fight. There are a lot of numbers (Trina) and a lot of statistics, "looking at the xrays, and talking about time, sweet time". The doctors and nurses have been great, and trying really hard to save Carmen.

Sorry about not calling you guys back when you call. There are a lot of times I just don't feel like talking about it. Those of you that know me know that I'm somewhat private and don't like to talk on the phone normally anyway, and it's taking a lot of dedication just to write in this blog.

I wish there was good news for you all. Keep up your prayers and thoughts coming in Carmen's direction. Miracles do happen, and she of anyone could use one.

Carmen has been asleep through this whole fight and has not felt any pain. She is comfortable and getting great care.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Mike

Another Day

2007-10-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

Carmen had yet another up and down day, another couple steps forward, and then a couple steps back. If you look at last night's post you'll see that looking at the numbers will drive you crazy. She can't seem to catch a break, but she's holding on still, and in reality that is the most important thing.

I got some rest today, then D and I went and raced some Go-Carts. Trying to maintain as much as a normal life as we can.

Tomorrow is another day and lets hope and pray for some positive changes.

Mike

Things are...okay.

2007-10-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I must tell you that tonight is one of those nights that I don't feel like writing. Maybe a glass of wine will help, BRB! Anyway, Carmen is still "unstably stable" which means every time she takes 2 steps forward, she'll then take 1.5 steps back. The she'll take 1 step forward, and 1.5 steps back. What does that mean? It means that not much is changing. She is fighting to stay alive and she is succeeding in that, so we should all be thankful. One of her doctors (pulmologist) put it into perspective today, saying "it will drive you crazy to sit here and look at numbers all day. When someones lungs fail, you'll have good days and you'll have bad days". That is something I'll have to remember when I'm sitting there all day looking at the numbers.

Thanks for Gina in South Carolina sending a wine basket (well needed!). Belated thanks to Candice and Seneca here in Santee for EVERYTHING that you've done. Thanks to Rex for jumping on a plane on last Friday and just flying here from Atlanta for the weekend. Thanks to Marie for driving over lasagna today.

But the real heroes are Carmen's mom and dad Sharon and Marty. My mom Loreen. My Dad and his wife Donna. These are the people who are keeping the wheel turning, doing the dishes, making the meals, visiting Carmen, cleaning up the house, and watching Dominic. Life would be considerably more difficult without them, or all of you supporting me.

If you are praying, or have a prayer group, the following is what I request. Carmen to again be deemed to be a transplant candidate (taken off temporarily for infection), be transported to the ICU at University of California San Diego, and be given a transplant. In a perfect world she would wake up again with new lungs and be able to breathe again.

Thanks again for all your support.

Good Day

2007-10-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Carmen had a good day today. This is the first time I've thought this, so maybe things are starting to turn around! They sent a fiber optic camera and suction into both lungs and really got out a bunch of stuff. She handled the procedure well, keeping her saturation levels up the whole time. They got out what can be described as gel type secretions from the lungs and sent them to the lab for analysis. She rested the rest of the day as they are constantly trying to "dial in" the breathing machine. She looks peaceful and her skin from laying in the bed is improving. She is retaining a bit of fluid, and they are using a medication to reduce that. Maybe we can tack on a few more good days in a row and she can recover from this.

Very special thanks to Carmen's long time friend Michelle Gumprecht who sent up a ton of sandwiches, chips, and cookies from Panera Bread up to the ICU for us. Carmen would have enjoyed that as she really likes Panera Bread. Sorry Michelle that our conversation on the phone was so short, they were talking to me about the procedure when you called.

You guys are all great. Your support is really appreciated. Carmen has touched so many lives, and it apparent in this blog.

Dominic is good, had friends over all day playing Halo 3 (school is out due to the fires). I came home early from the hospital to try and catch up on my master's courses in college. Tough time to concentrate on college courses I'm not really interested in. Give you more updates tomorrow.

Mike

Groundhog Day

2007-10-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well as the title suggests, if you read the first paragraph of yesterday's blog, today is eerily similar.

Here are a few different things: She is starting to get a rash and some bedsores the Navy ordered a new bed that has lots of air circulation, using different pressure points etc... The bed came in today from the civilian community and they will be transfering (with no small effort) her to it. Dermatology came up and looked at her and determined that the rash is not due to the antibiotics (good news).

Man, next time you hear about a newspaper or TV station bashing Navy or Military Medicine, smile in an all knowing way. These guys and girls are really the best that there is. Ask anyone who as been here.

Thanks to Margaritaville Key West for sending a massive "get well" banner. Marty, Sharon and I put it up in Carmen's room. Thanks to Gina in South Carolina for the food sent to the house. Thanks to Amy (love ya Amy) in Key West for the multiple cards in addition to Denise et al from Margaritaville for the GREAT gift package. Melissa at Margaritaville, you are a wonderful artist (banner and picture).

I know I can't thank everyone every night so if I missed anyone, I sincerely apologize. Keep your prayers and prayer groups working, it appears to be working. Chaplain Cantrell has come in multiple times (including late in the night) and has done prayers for Carmen. He breaks me down every time during prayer and Marty and I have had discussions on "the why" that happens because nobody sees me as too "religious". Well, I'm spiritual in my own way and in my mind there is a true purity about a chaplain saying a prayer over the bed of a woman on a ventilator. Carmen would appreciate that, both my reaction and the chaplain being there for her.

I really don't really like country music. But the song of the day is "I got friends that do" by Tim McGraw. What a powerful song! Listen to it if you have a chance.

Mike

Wild Fires, Part II

2007-10-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

Carmen's day had a few twists and turns. I would classify her morning as "bad" and her afternoon and evening as "good". She had trouble with the intubation today, with O2 and CO2 swinging up and down. Her body doesn't liked to be moved around, but of course they have to do it to prevent bedsores, etc... She is still in an induced coma (needed to control her breathing). Although she was stable in the afternoon, I still wouldn't consider her to be "doing well". There is no doubt that she has a long hard road ahead of her. She is still fighting though, she is tough and wants to live. The doctors have all used the word "tenuous" to describe her condition.

We're still safe from the wild fires at this time. There are two big ones, one to the south and the other to the north of us. The smoke is really bad over the city. This is a pretty bad disaster for San Diego. Man, what a tough time! I always believed that the true nature of a person shows in adversity.

Dominic is okay. He knows his mom is asleep in the hospital with a tube breathing for her and that they are trying hard to fix her lungs. I'm okay and holding strong. I felt myself getting a little stressed today with Carmen's ups and downs so I went home to take a nap for an hour rather then develop a bad attitude.

The doctors and nurses at Balboa have really been great. It is a very professional hospital, and all the staff is really trying to save Carmen. In your prayer groups, please pray for their homes and families during these fires.

You can send cards (Laurie) to my address at:
10270 Michala Pl
Santee, Ca 92071

You cannot send real flowers to the ICU, although fake ones are okay. If you send cards I will put them up.

You guys are great. I really enjoying reading your posts and knowing that someone is reading this (cause you know I wouldn't do it if it wasn't for your urging). I'll write again tomorrow.

Mike

Wild Fires

2007-10-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Carmen's day was again essentially the same today. She is stable. She is still fighting the infection and had a little fever last night. Her white blood cell count is a little high but she's still on some high powered IV antibiotics. Carmen's oxygen saturation is still good, and is requiring less power (best way to explain it) on the ventilator. Not much happened (good or bad) today.

There are currently 8 wildfires out of control in San Diego. Our house is sort of surrounded by them (north, east, south) but we are in no danger at this time. In different areas of San Diego, entire housing complexes are burning. The cars parked on the street here are covered in ash. The air quality is very poor. Carmen would have had a tough time at home today if she wasn't in the hospital. Maybe that is one thing to be thankful for. The wildfires will be worse tomorrow, and a lot of the hospital staff has had to evacuate their families to hotels and friends houses. In addition, the hospital staff has to ALL stay at the hospital tonight, leaving their families to evacuate without them. It's sometimes tough when you have to leave family to take care of your job. Sort of like when I left Carmen and D during a hurricane to ride it out at sea on a Coast Guard cutter. It makes you appreciate people who serve others.

Carmen has a bunch of balloons in her room now thanks to the Chiefs at Deep Submergence Unit. Thanks guys.

Thanks for are your prayers and prayer groups. Keep it up, she's fighting.

Stable day

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing much changed today. The doctors are trying to ensure that Carmen is on the right amount of sedation medication, and since everyone is different, this is sometimes an unknown quantity. Her oxygen saturation is still good. Maybe I'll have some more answers on her future tomorrow...I'll keep everyone updated.

Special thanks to everyone who is in the area and has taken time to visit and spend time with Carmen. Carmen's friends and co-workers have made a tremendous effort to ensure her room is filled with cards from the children at her school. Everyone who comes and talks to Carmen makes a difference, I think the positive vibe has an effect on the human body. I tell her about all the people who have called, who have e-mailed, and who have responded to this blog.

Day 4, little better

2007-10-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

Carmen's oxygen % was high all day, and they decided to try to give her a "Sedation Vacation" to ensure that her neurological status was still okay. It took awhile for her after 2 days of anesthesia to finally come out. Me and her dad Marty broken into tears when I told her to blink her eyes and she gave us a slight blink. When she finally woke up she startled Sharon who shoved Rex aka "Guy from the blog" out of the way on her way out the door. Marty was holding onto one of Carmen's hands while the nurse was holding the other. They asked her to squeeze her hands and she did. She also wiggled her toes when asked. Because she also was trying to breath against the machine, she was quickly sedated again. They are giving her less medication trying to "dial her in" to the right dose of sedation.

Special thanks to all of you reading this, all of you who have called or e-mailed, and all of you that are praying for us.

We came home from the hospital tonight to our house, with most of the grandparents here, Rex is here from Atlanta, and Candice is here, and we are eating, drinking wine, and telling stories. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine.

I appreciate you all.

18 Oct 07

2007-10-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well... today was a long tough day. Carmen's health kinda took a nose dive in the early morning hours. I got the call at 5AM that they were unable to keep her oxygen % up even while using the ventilator. Here lungs are real stiff and they need a lot of pressure to inflate them. Anyway, the doctors were pretty pessimistic. She was unstable most of the morning. They switched her to a special ventilation machine normally used on infants. Carmen's parents arrived in 3 PM from Key West and she started to do better! Her oxygen % is in the 90s and stable.

She is putting up a great fight right now. All your thoughts and prayers must be helping!

I'll give you an update tomorrow.

News about Carmen

2007-10-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

This is Mike writing this Blog entry.

Carmen is currently in the Balboa Naval Hospital in the ICU battleling a serious lung infection. All of your thoughts and prayers are needed and appreciated. She is a fighter and is in the fight for her life right now. She wants to survive and will not give up.

I'll try to give updates on here as I can. Thank you for all your support.

Mike.

my big call today!

2007-10-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Well I got a call today from UCSD, telling me that all the paperwork is done and that I am officially on the waiting list. She said to make sure I had a bag packed and a way to get to the hospital. That I can now be called at any moment. She didn't give me my score (ranking on the list), said that would come in the mail but that my blood type is A+ and that that is a much smaller list than the other blood types. So I'd be called sooner verses someone that is O+ or what not. So, as much as I'm ready to get a second chance at life. I'm sort of scared. My husband is away at the moment and if for some reason I was to get a call tonight, I really don't have a plan. I know I wont get a call probably for at least 6 months (all a guess but I could be wrong) I am just sort of freaking because we haven't finalized a few things, like my will and living trust that says " DO NOT TAKE ME OFF MACHINES, NO MATTER WHAT." I haven't even been to the hospital where they are going to do the procedure. I've always visited Dr. Yung at the UCSD in Hill Crest, but I'll need to go to La Jolla which isn't a big deal but I haven't even been there yet. So you know me I'm freaking out.
Man, I have a lot to do before this all happens. No not really. I just need to pack a bag, and get that living trust done. So tonight I'll pack a bag and I'll fill out the paper work for my living trust now and then all I have to do is get it signed my a notary or get an appointment with a JAG lawyer on base.
OK I'm officially having a panic attack. Must take 1/2 Valium and calm my nerves. Until I can think of something else to write.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm happy for:

The news that my wait will be less than others.
My dogie, its her birthday today. She's so old. I just look forward to getting new lungs so I can walk this old dog again. We will be a good match; her and I.
Dominic, he's been a big help since Mike has been gone. He really has helped out a great deal around the house and with me. I've been overly tired since Mike been gone and have had some terrible headaches. Why? Who knows but he's been a great helper. I love my boy, even when he's a pain in my rear end.

Sat. Quote

2007-10-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

"Good morning. Practice Love.... To be wronged is NOTHING unless you continue to remember it.... (Remember) There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put a marker on the site.
God is Love Rev Run"

3 Things I'm happy about today:

my slumber party with Sharon, Yvonne and Heidi. We all had a good time and great conversations but mostly about me this time which I hate.
still laying in bed and having a quiet house even though Dominic has a sleepover last night to. Silence after a long night drinking is always nice.
getting another day to live and spend with my husband, son and friends. Each day I get these days truly are blessing.

How do you learn to forgive someone?

2007-10-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

This has been a skill I have never learned. I need to learn it because it is one of the things that keeps my body toxic. I just have never been taught this skill; not through my parents, friends, other family members and even when I was in counseling back in Key West. Yes, they all gave me advice and told me ways to do it but I don’t know how to use the technique. I know me, not being able to forgive the past or what people may have done to me prevent my present from not fully being enjoyable. It makes it hard to ever really love someone fully and to let my guard down. I’m always living in fear of “what if” my feelings get stomped on again. I guess you need examples to fully understand how toxic this is for me and my well being.

Example one this one is pretty big and maybe should be the last one but it’s the first one that probably caused me to start not trusting people or not being able to let my guards down and to fear what others think of me. Causing me to take the easy route and simply shutting that person (persons) out of my life. This is my biological father. You know many people never, once getting adopted by a step parent ever have to worry about meeting or seeing their biological father; but sadly due to my health I had to find out what else I needed to worry about. Although Marty IS my father, I can’t turn to him when it comes to medical questions. I say Charles is my DNA not my DAD because he really isn’t. Anyone can produce sperm and make a baby but it takes a stronger man to raise one. So see, there you go, I’m already talking negative about Charles because of the past. Anyhow, in my early 20’s is when I had to find him. I had so much going on health wise that when doctors would ask me about any past history I would say “well my mom…” My mom is in perfect health, so she wasn’t any help when it came to trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was a little older when the adoption happened so I do remember a bit about my childhood; to make a long 34 year old story very short, I found him. It was very easy and that has caused me to never forgive him. I know actually he isn’t fully to blame; there’s a lot that is to blame. A bad marriage, the court system, the 70’s and things not being all that great for a black males, him not taking responsibility for his actions (child support and what not); the list goes on and on. Sadly once you give up your rights, you give them up. That parts hurts. I will never understand how anyone could give up their rights. I look at Dominic and think how could I have looked in that child’s eyes and decided “No, I’ll let someone else raise you.” Maybe Charles knew I’d have a better life with Marty and if he did he is right, Marty has given me the best life any child could ask their father to give. If that was the reason then I thank him, but it is still hard for me to fully understand. As a child it hurts and it still hurts now as an adult. I have been given the best life I could ever imagine and would never ask for better parents or a brother but I can’t lie it hurts that someone at one point didn’t want me.

Plus there is a whole heritage that I am missing out on because I am half black and my parents are both white. He tries now, Charles; as much as I let him. Mainly through emails, trying to work on our relationship and mending what ever I will allow but like I said my guards up and I fear getting hurt myself and for my family now. He had me in his 20’s and I know that a lot of years have gone by since then and he has grown up since then and people do change (shit I have) but I still don’t know how to let go of the past. I want to. I really do. I am not even sure if it’s that I want a relationship with him but I have a sister Samantha (actually 2 but one is MIA) that I have never met before. Like him, we communicate through emails and MySpace and if you read her page it says one of the people she’d like to meet is her big sister. I feel terrible for this because I am punishing her because I’m holding onto a grudge because of something my DNA has done. She always tells me that even though she’s never met me she has always looked up to me as a big sister or role model because of what I write her and the way I raise my child and present myself. It sucks. I don’t know how to let things go. I’d love to have a relationship with her like I do my brother ( and also my cousins) the ones I remember from my childhood. She doesn’t deserve this, none of them do. The past is the past and I should learn to forget it and move forward and allow people in my life that want to be there but I don’t know how. This could go on and on regarding my whole biological DNA relationship but it would end up being a book and I don’t really want to get that involved I just wanted to give examples.

Another is my ex husband. That guy put me through the wringer. He ruined my credit, verbally abused me and even a few times physically abused me towards the end. I could go on more about him but I’d prefer to block some of the things that he has done because it was so painful. But I hate him. I really do. I have visions of wanting to run him over in my car or breaking his knees so when he walked he felt pain and could remember the pain he put me through. (I guess I have watched too many Sopranos). He was just someone I finally let my guard down to and crushed me. Still to this day, I jump when someone enters a room, or am afraid to be alone at night just because of the crap he would threaten to me. It’s terrible. The problem is, he to may have matured and has become a better man, who’s to say, but regardless he’s not in my life and I haven’t seen him since the day of our divorce so why can’t I let it go and forgive? Why?

Another stupider one is once Mike’s friend Rex (sorry Rex that you are one of my examples) charged up my phone bill when Mike and I were barely dating and never paid for it. I was so poor after my divorce and waitressing, every dime was needed and I couldn’t afford the bill. So it screwed me up for the longest time and I hated, hated him for it. I hated Mike being his friend and wanted nothing to do with him. This went on for years. I was so upset about a phone bill. It took me years, yes years to get over it. Other things would happen during these years with Rex and it get me all boiled up again and we’d get into another fight and I wouldn’t speak to him for years. I actually think in Mike and my marriage I didn’t like Rex probably 7 of the 10 years. Pretty said again all because I don’t know how to forgive. I don’t know what or why Rex and I started to talk again. It’s funny because now we can sort of look back and laugh about it but it took me 7 years. 7!!

Another more funnier one was once at a bar crawl (when you go and have a drink from bar to bar) in Key West, this girl that worked with Mike said something rude about him and we were barely dating at the time but I wanted to punch her lights out. I mean I really wanted to fight her all over a dumb comment she said about him. I don’t think it even had to do with the alcohol, because to this day, actually as I’m typing I’m getting mad by the minute thinking of what she said and I can’t stand her all because of what she said. I still if someone brings up her name “Carroll” that’s her last name I don’t even remember her first name I want to flip out.

Oh and why we are talking about it, there’s another girl that I guess my husband and a few of the Italy guys had fun with and I wasn’t aware about Mike and her until Rex (yeah Rex you busted Mike on this one) blurted it out to me one night when he was visiting us in KW. Plus she was sending Mike all these letters (not really love letter but close enough for any girlfriend at the time to be suspicious about) Mike would just say “No, I was like a brother to her, blah blah blah.” Well I believed him until Rex busted him. The point to the story is this is Mike’s past, yet I’m upset and couldn’t forgive him for it for a long time. So you see, I’m really a mess and don’t know how to fix myself. If anyone else was to come to me with these problems, I’d probably laugh in their face (beside the DNA issue) but because it’s me I don’t know how to fix my issues.

I keep myself toxic because of things like this and it eats at me. Little things can happen with my husband and I and I will hold a grudge for ever or keep bringing it up every fight there after because I don’t know how to forgive and forget. Other peoples as well not just my husband, but he does get the blunt of most of it now, since I don’t have much of a social life anymore. I say I forgive, but never forget and that’s not healthy. I need to learn to forgive and forget because the only person that it hurts is me. I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t, I really don’t know how. I want to live and be happy and have relationships’ with people and live a life like sounds corny “As Jesus would want us to” but I don’t know how to let go of the past. Because of this it is screwing my present and future.

3 things I’m happy for today:
1. It being Friday and I survived my first full week back to work since school started. No more doc. Appointments for me for awhile. Oh and I am approved for 2 lungs. I found that out yesterday.
2. Soon as my dental clinic faxes over my stuff which they said they were going to do today, I will be officially be placed on the list and be waiting for my new set of lungs. That was the last of what I had to do before being cleared for being put on the donor list.
3.My friends from CT. Heidi and Sharon are coming here to visit tonight and then Yvonne coming over later on to meet them and hang out. It should be nice. We are having steak, rosemary potatoes, salad and apple crisp for dessert. Oh and I’m sure we are going to have numerous bottles of wine as well. That’s how we roll.

How to start a weekend!

2007-09-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and Friends,
I don't know the exacts yet but will know sometime next week. All that I do know is that I am ON the list. I will have more details like she mentioned in her email regarding my number (ranking on the list) and if I am getting a single or doublelung transplant but I am for sure on the list. The financial Coordinator told Michael and myself during our evaluation that Tricare Prime (our insurance) is the BEST and that I will have no problem with them. They cover 100% of all expenses.
You don't know how over joyed I am and can't control my tears of joy. I just feel that this is going to be my second chance at life with my family and friends. I am going to pray that the persons lungs I get, gets to enjoy their life to the fullest and then I will take over and live the rest of their life for them. My time will come for a set of lungs when it's time. I am not going to stress on the when, just that I am on the list and will one day breath again normally.
Getting a transplant doesn't mean I won't have any more walls to climb or that life will be peachy keen afterwords but again I'm not going to worry about the "What If's and the might happens" until it actually has to come to that. For right now I am just going to enjoy the fact that I may soon get a second chance at my life and that one day I will be able to walk with out oxygen, dance, sing, go out with friends and live a life like someone my age; 34..

Thank you all for all your prayers and support, I will keep you updated on everything I find out as I get it.

Overly joyed,
Carmen

Hi Carmen,

Of course I remember you! You were presented at Transplant Conference this week and were accepted, pending insurance review. The Medical Necessity Letter went out and we are ready to list you when the authorization comes in. We will call you on that day to let you know. But remember to live your life as we go along. You have done every single thing you can do and it is in someone else’s hands. Our financial coordinator keeps on the insurance companies to get the auth quickly. I would expect it sometime next week. Call me if you have other questions or just need reassurance!

See you soon!

Stephanie

Dear MS. Osborne,
Hello my name is Carmen Manning. I met you during my evaluation for a lung transplant and you told my husband and I if we had any questions; well one popped up. I was told last Wednesday by Dr. Yung after my heart cath. that they were going to present my case to the board on Tues. October 25,2007. My question is how long will it take before I get word, if you know? I am sitting on egg shells waiting for news and am driving my family and friends crazy (as anyone would I guess waiting for this important word). So if you can enlighten me on anything I'd love to know. If you feel better calling me regarding this my cell number. I don't mind however is you email me.

Enjoy your weekend,
Carmen

3 things i'm Happy for today:

God hearing my prayers.
Getting on the list
having a chance to have my life back

Our Lives

2007-09-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

As we look back over our lives, it is not too difficult to see that what we went through was for a purpose and helped to prepare us for some valuable work in life. Everything in our lives can help make us of some use in the world. Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic. Each thing that happens to us is like one tiny stone in the mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfected pattern of the mosaic of our life, which has been designed by God.

-- Author Unknown

3 Things I'm happy about today:

The pain that was left in my hip from the heart cath. finally gone. Now I just have to persuade the OBGYN today that Michael and I aren't into some kinky S "n" M stuff because I've got some nasty bruising down there. LOL!!!
My son, although he was grounded again this week for acting a fool (6Th grade seems like I'm back dealing with the terrible 2's all over again) he's still an awesome kid and cracks us up all the time.
My Michael for making me coffee this morning, and I didn't even ask for it.

P.S. Please pray, tomorrow my case is being presented to the board and sometime this week I think I should know if I'm going to be put on the list or not. At this point I don't care if I'm #1000 as long as I get myself on the list. My heart coming back good has made me a bit nervous but with the lungs that I have left I can't imagine them NOT putting me on the list, but it's just something else for me to worry about. You know me worry, worry, worry.

Heart Catheter's DO Hurt!!!

2007-09-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went through my final test, the right heart catheter for my lung evaluation. For anyone who told me it wouldn't hurt, they lied because it was pretty darn painful and I swear a few times I felt they were drilling in my hip bone. They said they probably hit a nerve or something but they had a hard time getting into my veins due to my Raynaud’s so they kept hitting my artery. This made me bleed more and longer. At one point they gave up on my groin area and decided to try my neck but that didn't work either so they went back to my groin and I kept having to tell them it was hurting really bad. They would keep giving me numbing medicine but for some reason I could still feel it. I wanted them to try my neck again because it didn't seem to hurt as bad so at one point I had one doctor trying my groin and the other doctor trying my neck and a nurse drying me tears and trying to calm me down because I was a nervous wreck. My anxiety did get the worse of me that's for sure because they kept on poking me. At one point I pleaded to put me to sleep (or drugged induced sleepy) because I knew my anxiety was the main reason I was so out of control. Not like yelling and screaming but just so worried that they wouldn't be able to get it and shit it hurt, so I just wanted it done. I really think that if I was semi- awake I would have been better and not needed as much pain medicines.

Gratefully, I don’t have hypertension, my stats were high but still in the normal range. So I have a good heart (but I always knew I was good-hearted LOL). Dr. Yung said that all those years of me exercising (outside of recently and me losing the weight) really gave me a great heart. Dr. Yung said that, that was great news but the only thing would be that it would lower my score on the transplant list, but that it would also let them know that my heart will survive such a huge operation. That later if I get on the transplant list, they won’t have to worry about my heart giving out during the operation. So Tuesday they are going to present my case to the board, and shortly there after I will know if I will be put on the transplant list or not.

The heart catheter only lasted about 10 minutes (if that) once they got into the vein but they just kept telling me that I was "so petite" that it was really hard to get my vein and my Raynaud's didn't help them either. It kept closing my veins up on them forcing them not to get the vein. I knew that would happen because it has happened in the past when they had to get my artery in my wrist.

Three things really freaked me out:

I could feel the tube go through my body. I felt it hit my stomach or close by (the nurse said it was probably pushing my ovaries and then I felt it right below my ribs and then I got a warm sensation when I guess the tube/camera got to the heart. That was weird. I felt like I had a worm in my body, like the movie "Aliens".
I thought I peed my pants or the operating table (I had no clothes on I was completely naked which was a little weird since I had so many males in the room, but like I keep telling everyone once you've gone through child birth and all the other medical crap I've gown through I have no more private parts) but it actually was blood that I felt drip down there because they did hit my artery once or twice and so it bleed a lot.
I got the shakes, not like a seizure but I shook at different places at different times. I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack or something. It was once they were actually in with the camera because I remember the lights being turn on and off for the x-ray machine. I remember my left arm moving with out me wanting it to, then my hand, then it would move down to my knee, shin and then foot. After it went through my left side it moved up my right side starting from my foot and slowly moving up to my face. Each place lasting about 15-20 seconds. I was more scared about that than anything and then cried for Dr. Yung because I was so scared I didn't know what was going on with my body. He kept telling me I was doing great that my heart look really good and everything was normal that it was probably just from all the pain medicine and my anxiety. I made him promise me and look into me eyes. I told him not to lie to me know matter what and he laughed at me and said "You're just like a little kid", telling him not to lie and to look into his eyes. I just felt if he looked into my eyes I could tell if he was trying to candy coat anything. But he said everything was OK. He also patted my head which for him is the first time he's ever showed me bedside manners so I do believe him and trust he wouldn't of lied to me if something was wrong. He isn't the type to candy coat anyhow but being that I was in the state I was in maybe he would. So any of you doctors, nurses or techs. IDC's, corpsman that read this and can explain the shakes to me please do. Mike said he actually saw a lady put herself in a coma her anxiety was so bad so maybe it was my anxiety but it sure scared the hell out of me.

It was a long day I was there from 7:45am or so until 2pm I believe because they have to make sure you stop bleeding, but last night I was still bleeding and going through bandages but that could also be my fault because I took a shower to get rid of that orange stuff they put all over my leg and neck but it has now stopped and is just super sore. I've been popping my Vicodin every 5 hours or so, so if this entry is not making sense you now know why. I had all day to recuperated and tomorrow I'm back to work. I'm limping a bit but I think that's just because my hips are already so sensitive (due to my Scleroderma) that doing anything else on top of the normal pain makes it harder for me to get over.

It's over now and I can say "Thank F'ing God" because all my test other than little ones are over and now it's just a waiting game. Thanks for all your support and keep me in your prayer that I get on this transplant list.

3 Things I'm happy for today:

My evaluation being over with and just praying, hoping, wishing that the board finds me a good candidate.
My husband being there for me yesterday. I know I was a big whiner. Even I said "Jeez, I'm a whiner but I hurt."
Lucinda and Monica this morning for making me laugh a bit when I called them. They helped me forget about the pain for a bit. Thanks girls!!!

Go Cowboys!!! Santee Cowboys that is.

2007-09-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

Santee Cowboys did it! They won the game 20-13. We are all a bunch of proud parents. All the kids did awesome and showed great growth from the pre-season games. As far as Dominic he started as middle linebacker and also offensive tackle. He did really well for starting his first game as linebacker but he did get a penalty which caused the team 15 yards. Ouch!! We won’t know the full truth until we get to review the tape but his side of the story was a player on the other team threw him down by his helmet and so Dominic hit (pushed) him. The referee only saw what Dominic did and called him on it and of course being my son (and Mike’s) he stood up for what he thought was right and argued with the referee. Needless to say he was sent to the bench for 2 plays and lectured by the other defensive coach (Mike let the other coach handle it) because it might mean more coming from him and not his dad. The coach told him “I love the passion you have but use it on the players not the referee.” So he did and for the rest of the game he kept his mouth shut and used his “tackling fuel” as I quote from my favorite football movie “The Waterboy”. Afterwards we celebrated with the neighbors who came to the game and had pizza, beer and the kids shared “kids wine “as they call it. So enjoy the pictures and again Dominic is #56.

3 Things I'm happy for today:
1-getting this slide show working after 2 hours of playing with it.
2- getting some of my voice back but my throat hurts a bit from forcing my voice the past few days. Damned if you do damned if you don't I guess.
3- Having a relaxing Sunday. I'm really starting to enjoy these days.

Feeling better - loss of voice

2007-09-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

So my sore throat is gone. FINALLY!!!! But now I have no voice or actually it comes and goes; like a 13 year old boy going threw puberty. Oh crap! Know wonder people keep thinking I'm Dominic on the phone, they hear my voice cracking and assume. Well that's what you get for assuming. But it's great when ever someone calls for Carmen Molina. I can just crack my voice like a boy would do and say "Nope never heard of her." It's true, who is that chick anyway? I haven't ran into her since the mid 90's or so. I mean jeez get over her already she doesn't exist. LOL!!! Plus I think my loss of voice is a blessing in disguise for Michael and Dominic because they wont hear me nag at them.

I had a long discussion with the principal at my school. Actually a rather nice one considering. I wont get into too much detail but she has had the rep. in the past for not having the best "people skills" but I really do think she likes me and that she know this disease is just a bunch of shit and that I really wouldn't be like this (always sick) if I wasn't dealing with such a huge burden. Any how she said she didn't care if I was calling in sick all the time, that my sick days are there for that reason. That she feels I'm a great employee and don't have to worry about losing my job due to my lack of work. I just explained to her my problems with this new me. That in the past I was always the one who would give up sick time each year because I was always so dedicated to my job and that I feel that I'm not giving my 100% because physically I can no longer do it. We went back and forth and I really wanted to give my notice because I do feel like a bad employee but she pretty much told me she wouldn't accept it. That she's rather me take a leave of absence if need be before me quitting because it is so hard to get into the school system here in San Diego (which is true, it took me a year and I only work 15 hours a week). She felt with my background, schooling and time with the district that after transplant and me feeling better that I'll have so many more options for a better job (not entry level like I have now) and wouldn't want me to give that up all because of my fears of being a bad employee. Plus if Mike and I do retire here which is something we have discussed but nothing is set in stone we have at least 6 years to decide that, that I only need to work 20 hours to get benefits like medical which will come in handy after he retires God forbid I need more procedures and Tricare may not cover all of it once he retires. So bottom line I'm staying. My hours changed a bit so I get to sleep 45 min. longer in the morning and that seemed to help me Thursday and yesterday but we'll see. We even discussed reducing my hours more if need be later, but I'm really hoping that I wont need to do that.

Tonight Dominic has his first real game. By real I mean this one counts towards their seasons record. He will be starting middle linebacker and probably offensive line somewhere. He hasn't started middle linebacker yet in the past because he was starting on the line both for defense and offence but the boy who played middle linebacker quit the team and so Dominic was the 2ND string linebacker and now has been bumped up to 1st string, I guess. So he is excited and not nervous at all but Mike is a nervous wreck and very jumpy. I asked him if he was nervous about Dominic and he told me "No, Dominic will do just fine, he is a good player and probably the best that we have left for that position. I'm just nervous about the game in general. I really want us to win." You see my husband has coached the past 2 years and we (Santee) are not known for being a winning team. Mike has never been on a losing team (other than his Raiders LOL) so this is new to him, the not winning and not doing good. I guess we just moved to the wrong city, because Santee seems to not push their kids as they do in other areas of San Diego like Skyline, Balboa, and Lemon Grove. Here they just want to make sure their kids get their ten plays in and will cheer like they are at a golf game. I'm not used to that either. I come from Florida where that's all there is for a lot of boys. Football and they are all corn fed. So we are a little demanding I guess when it comes to Dominic and giving his 110% and pushing himself further than he thinks he can do. He has become a great player but I think it's because we do push him and want him to see after each game what he can do better. I think the other coaches boys (a few other coaches have boys on the team as well) are the same way but that is probably why those boys are some of the best players on the team. So hopefully they will do good tonight and who knows maybe they will even win. That's what we are hoping for but personally I don't care about the win, I just want the team to improve each game and for all of them to really want to win and not to give up if they are losing in the first half. Seems to be a pattern in the past. From the practices that I have gone to I think we have a good team but a lot of them are first year players and so they are still learning (this is Dominc's 5th year so he has a little bit of an advantage). Our team is pretty good but there is a heck of a lot better teams in San Diego that kill us each year. I don't know where they find these kids who can throw like they are in college and run like a horse. I'll have to write tomorrow to let you know how they did.

until then,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about:

My talk with Mary ( the school principal). It really meant a lot to me. Thanks!
It cooling off now and being able to turn off our AC. Our last power bill was over 300.00 can you believe it. Freaking crazy.
Feeling better after all this time. Man I thought I'd never feel better.

My New Dilemma!!

2007-09-11T17:55:00.000-07:00

After my grand exit at work on Monday, I am not sure if I should be working anymore or not. Let me fill you in on what happened. First like I have told you in my last post I have been struggling with this sore throat that has caused me nights of not sleeping and it's been so bad that I feel that I can't completely swallow; like it's so inflamed it's sort of closed up. I think that is more my gerd but I can deal with the gerd, but this sore throat is out of this world. So I did have some white pusey (if that is even a real word) on the side of my mouth but then I also had the red raw patches all over my mouth. So Mike had given me a Z-pack. Zithromax for anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about. You'd think after 3 days of that I'd feel better but I didn't and Monday when I woke up, I knew I was going to have a lousy day I just wasn't expecting what happened. So I'm getting ready and it's taking me a little longer than normal but I'm starting to get used to having to add 5 more minutes each morning to my getting ready for work because it just seems to be harder and harder for me to get up in the morning and ready for bed. Not that I'm lazy and can't get out of bed, but I have severe joint pain almost every morning because of my Scleroderma and then once I'm out of bed the coughing begins. I don't know why I cough in the morning and nothing I do will let it stop. I can wake up at 5 or at noon but as soon as I'm moving around in the morning I just start to cough where I can't catch my breath and I have to just let it take its course. Some days it last 5 minutes others 30 +. Monday was one of those 30+ days.

So I knew by the way I was going that I was going to most likely be last to work so I called Monica the school secretary to tell her I was having a rough morning and as always she under stood and I got there as soon as I could. Thank goodness there wasn't any traffic because I ended up getting to school on time but I new by already having used most of one of my oxygen tank up on the drive there that is wasn't going to be an easy day. So I took the long walk from the parking lot to the office. I'm joking here it really is only about 60-80 feet if that but these days 20 feet is far for me, especially on days like I was having. So I have to stop every 15 feet or so and catch my breath and pray just to get to my desk. It was terrible. It took all my might not to start crying and walk back to my car and call it quits. I got to my desk finally and got to sit down and organize my "in box" because I was out all last week (besides Tues.) due to my evaluation for the transplant. I just kept having to crank my tank up. Nothing seemed to be working. I felt my heart was pumping in over drive and that I couldn't rest because I was so winded. I've had these days in the past but usually they go away after a day or so but looking back I've been sick since I started back to work. This is not like me at all.

So Lucinda (the school clerk), noticed that I wasn't feeling good and thought that maybe it was my nerves for my heart catheter coming up but I told her, I just can't breath, my throat is so sore and I don't know if I can take working any more. I started to get teary eyed and forced myself to stop. I hate to show people my weak side. But today was different. I don't know if it was being sick, winded, lack of sleep or what but people could see I wasn't right. Monica called my husband and told him to pick me up and then we decided that it'd be faster for her to drive me home but then I was so winded she had to use the wheel chair to get me out to her car. A wheel chair again. You know how I love wheel chairs so then again I just felt helpless. I hate this.

All day yesterday in between my complaining of my throat and not being able to sleep I would think of the pros and cons of continuing to work. I mean we don't need me to work because of the SSDI I receive, but like anyone a little extra cash doesn't hurt anyone. Plus the fact I get really depressed being home alone so going to work does me some good. I get to talk to people, meet new people, see kids which I love working with and also it gets my mind of my disease and how sick I am. But if I'm so sick and pushing myself and sick at work is it worth it? I just don't know.

I have never been a quitter in anything I've done. If I ever left a job it was because I had another one lined up. Not just because, but now I am not sure I can do that anymore. I do better in the later mornings and probably could work if I worked like 9-12 or even 8:30-11:30 but I think they need me in the early am so I believe that is out of the question. I just simply don't know what is the best thing for me. I mean I look at my health and think I only have 28 or 27% total lung capability and I am still working. It's only 3 hours but it's something. But I wonder how many other people would still be working if they were in my shoes. I think a lot of people would of left their job a long time ago but I'm always trying to please others that I put me last. Looking back I've been sick since I started back to work so I just don't know if this is my body telling me that it's had enough and to let it rest. I don't know! It saddens me to have to make a decision like this because I don't want to make the wrong one. I spoke to Monica on Monday night telling her I wouldn't be in today and she said "We just want you to get better, that you are such an inspiration to so many of us." Those words hurt me because I'm so afraid of letting someone down. I don't care if I'm not an inspiration to someone but like I said I am a people pleaser and I just don't want to let anyone down know matter who they are. But when is enough, enough. I just don't know. I've cried many of tears these past few days because I simply don't know what to do. In my mind I say "suck it up and keep working" but in my heart and when I see myself in the mirror I look so frail and sick that I say "Quit beating yourself up and stop working." People keep commenting on my weight lose and dark circles and I don't know if these are all signs that I should be looking at and throwing in the towel. I just don't know. So if you have anything to contribute to this I am all ears. Because I need to make a decision here soon. Thanks to reading my venting.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Monica for going out of her way and taking me home the other day. Thank you very much.
My husband because he has really been trying to be supportive in what I need to decide. He doesn't tell me either way what to do he simply listens.
Yvonne, because she is a great listener when she lets other people talk. LOL!!!

Final Day= Day 3

2007-09-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today was the day I have dreaded the most (other than the 18Th when I get my heart catheter). It was a day full of my favorite test in the world (being very sarcastic) PFT's (Pulmonary Function Test). My day didn't start off on a great start either. I was woke up numerous times with this sore throat and pain in my chest in the night. Then the cleaners came (on time ) which is not normal so we were rushed out of the house and finally once we got to the hospital we realized that we took the spare keys and my medical scooter key is on my set of keys. So I wasn't able to use my scooter and Mike had to wheel me around in a wheel chair. I hate wheel chairs. Some people would probably prefer being wheeled around over a scooter but for me it takes away my only form of independence. I really feel like a cripple, so I wasn't very happy but I only had to go to two different places today so it wasn't so bad I guess.

So, off to the Pulmonary laboratory. The respiratory tech was extremely nice her name was Brenda and she was the nicest tech. I've ever had. She didn't push like a drill sergeant like the past ones. She actually reminded me of a lady I work with Lucinda. She looked so much like her that she could pass as one of her sisters. Anyways, we had to do my test inside that glass box which sort of made me panic but she was pretty soothing and Michael was in the room so my anxiety wasn't so bad. It was there but not like yesterdays when he wasn't in the room. So I did the best as I could which isn't much and I believe that my TLC (total lung capability) was somewhere in the 20's. Pretty bad, but I guess that is why we are getting me on this transplant list hopefully.

Once the breathing test were done, she had to draw blood from my artery not my vein this is called ABG. It's a little harder and more painful but lucky for me she took my advice and gave me a shot of lidacane (sp) before she went fishing in my wrist and she got in on the 1st try. The last time they tried to do that it took 4 techs and 2 doctors poking at me until they finally decided to numb me up so I didn't feel the pain. If I remember right I think she said that, that reading came back that my oxygen levels were in the 80's which also has dropped since the last time. Before it was in good range in the 90's.

After that was done we "attempted" to do a walking test on the treadmill and we didn't get very far. My blood pressure kept dropping and I got winded the first try and the second light headed and my BP went like 80/60 so they decided to end the test and not even attempt the 6 minute walk with out oxygen. THANK GOD because I wasn't looking forward to that at all. I haven't walked that long in over a year especially with out oxygen. So I don't know if this is good or bad I guess it's bad but in a way it's also good because it helps them know that I'm not faking when I tell people that I can't do a lot of things.

Once that was all over we had to go get my skin test read and all that came back normal and my day was over. My test are all done other than my heart catheter and a few other thing I need to get checked like pap smear, eyes, and dental. I believe by the end of the month (even sooner maybe) they will have reviewed my case and I will know if I am a candidate or not. Keep your fingers crossed.

I still have this rock in the chest and sore throat but I am going to pour me a glass a wine to celebrate being over all these test. Who knows maybe the warmth of the wine will make me feel better. Wishful thinking I guess. LOL!!

3 things I'm happy about:

Being done with the week and all these test. Man what a full week I've had.
My husband for pushing me around all day at the hospital. He's so good. Even though I hate the wheel chair and would much rather be in my scooter, he never complains about wheeling me around when he has to.
Felicita and Margarita, they let me come home to a clean house with all the dust and dog hair gone. Thanks ladies.

Test Day 2= not as easy as day one

2007-09-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

So today was more the physical stuff. It was a LONG day and I'm glad to be over with it. My day started at 9am with a Chest CT Scan and CXR (chest x-ray). From there I had to get an Echo cardiogram and a EKG. Also not too bad but for some reason Echo's are painful for me in some areas. All by my ribs are very sensitive. The lady said it was because I didn't have any meat there, that I was all skin and bones and so petite. I guess I should take that as a compliment but I'm starting to worry a bit about my weight. I need to sort of stay in this weight range (per Dr. Yung) and everyone keeps telling me "how skinny I am, or so petite I am". I have lost another 2 pounds since the last time I was weighed and now weigh 123 but I haven't been lying about my height I truly am 5'2. I actually thought that I had shrunk a little but I think it's just my son is getting taller. LOL!!!

From the echo/EKG I had to do a procedure that I never did before and it freaked the shit out of me. For anyone that doesn't know me I'm REALLY Claustrophobic and so this procedure had me cover my nose and mouth with a mask and well needless to say I was a bit freaked by the whole idea. The procedure is called Ventilation/Perfusion Scan. They actually inject me with some radiology to be able to see my lungs better. The first part was the worst for me, that is where I wear like this oxygen mask around my whole face and they inject a gas I have to breath. I have to keep the mask on for about 6 minutes or so but to me it felt like an hour. The techs. kept telling me how great I was doing but I think they could see the tears and worry I had on my face. Once that was over they injected me with so fluid that highlights my lungs so they can take better pictures of my not so pretty lungs. Most people would prefer the other procedure over this but I've been poked and pricked so many times with this disease that I prefer getting injected or things drawn from me over anything over my face any day.

I ended my day with a Bone Density test which I've had before so it wasn't bad at all. I actually got to lay down for that test and I was really ready for that at this time. My day finally ended after that test and I was able to go home for a much needed nap. Sadly I must of caught something while being in the hospital or something because I've had a sore throat since last night and also my acid reflux is bothering me again and now I feel like I have something stuck in the chest. I've been real good about taking my prevacid and now popping Tums but the pain is still there. It's been a long time since I've had one of these episodes so I hope it goes away soon. That and this sore throat kept me up all night so I just hope that it doesn't interfere with tomorrow test. Ok again I'm signing off but will give you all the details of tomorrow, tomorrow.

Carmen San Diego

3 things I am happy about today:

Getting day 2 over with.
Everyone I met today being very nice and actually sociable. That's a first for me; to have everyone really nice and going out of their way for Michael and myself.
It cooling off in Santee finally enough to turn the AC off which means hopefully our electric bill will go back down under 200.00 again here soon. Back in the low 100's would be ideal.

Day one of Lung Evaluation

2007-09-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on here in a while for a few reasons. One I started back to work. Yes my summer is over and of course the first day of work I get sick. I'm not sure if it was being around people again or the fact that the office was filled with dust and I'm HIGHLY allergic to dust and so being around it made my allergies go into over drive. I even had to ask Michael (my lovely husband) to go out and purchase me and air purifier for my desk. So 80.00 later my office is pretty much clean of it's air pollution. I noticed a big change in how I felt at work on Tues, after the machine had a few days to kick in. I am a happy camper at work again and it is great getting out of the house again and seeing my school friends and all the kiddos.

Two- I have been a little nervous about my transplant evaluation and so I sort of stayed away from the computer all together. I was nervous because I was sick and wasn't sure how I'd handle the test and there still is the possibility that I may not be a good candidate after this is all said and done.

So today I'm back and I did my 1st day of my evaluation. Today was extremely long and draining both physically and mentally. Probably more mentally because I had to talk to everyone involved in the transplant process and they each tell you the same thing over and over and in different ways to make sure you are aware that getting a transplant is not a guarantee. I have to give them stool samples today and a jug of my 24 hour urine. Pretty gross I know. I also had to give like 30 tubes of blood today and got extremely light headed afterwards because I hadn't ate anything yet but a few grapes and some water. Then I had to pee again for them and get a TB test and a Candina test as well (both skin test). Then I have to speak to nurses, social workers, doctors, case managers, and so forth. Lucky my doctor got called out so he delayed my appointmentby an hour so I was able to go in one of the rooms at the hospital and connect to their oxygen and take a nap. That was a big help because I was running out of oxygen and I was so tired from all the stuff I had to go through. Over all it was a successful day I believe and it means that I am one more step closer to having them review my case and hopefully getting on that list.

So this is going to be short because I've had a long day and I'm hungry and tired and need a long hot bath. Until tomorrow when I tell you what I get to go through then.

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Getting day one of three complete in the 3 day process. After these 3 days I only have to get my heart catheter done on the 18th and I should be done with the big stuff.
My husband because he really is helping me so much with all these appointment and helping he get through this f'ing disease.
Being able to relax for a moment. Today was so long!!!!!

Summer has come to an end!!!

2007-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

Well the summer is coming to an end tonight since tomorrow Dominic goes back to school. He'll be a big middle/Jr. High schooler entering the 6Th grade. Lucky for me his school; or actually the district that we live in schools are sort of ran like a private school, they go from kindergarten to 8Th grade. So he wont actually be changing schools. They separate the 7-8 graders from the rest, so 6Th grade to him will be considered the "Big kids on the block" So he is excited to rule the school so to say but has come down with a cold and is trying to convince me to keep him home tomorrow. Nope it doesn't work that way in this house. Last year he got the perfect attendance award and so we are striving for that this year as well. School is very important to me and I may push him harder than I should I really only do it for his own good. if I didn't he would really only do the minimum to get by and that won't cut it when he gets to high school. So sadly he'll have to go to school tomorrow even if he has a little runny nose. Poor guy I know, I'm a slave driver but he'll get better over night with a full tummy and a good nights sleep. Colds never last long for him.

I must say I have ended my summer with a bang. I actually got out of the house 3 days in a row. Can you believe it? The Lord gave me 3 days to feel good enough to leave this house. Thursday I went to dinner with Yvonne, Marie, Lucinda and Monica. It was great drinking wine and talking girl talk. I hadn't seem most of them since school got out so it was great catching up and just relaxing away from school (work). We all promised to do it more often because we agreed it was nice to let our hair down a bit and enjoy each others company. Yvonne later came over for a usual bottle of wine/talk about everything wrong with our life and everyone else's conversations. Man you give us a bottle of wine or two and we can't shut up. We will talk about any topic and think we have the whole thing figured out and by the time the night is over we will have changed our minds 100 times, to going back to being more confused than where we started before the 2 bottles of wine. She's such a great friend. I really enjoy having her here at the house and just like I said sitting, drinking wine and talking about our life, or a TV show, or actually we have gone through times where we don't even talk we take naps instead. I think I'm in love. LOL!!! Just kidding I know she reads this so I wanted to throw that out to her. :) No we would be more like the odd couple because we get a long really well but we are so much a like we are different if that makes any sense at all. We are each other ying and yang I guess and that is probably why we get along so well and have since the first day I met her.

Friday we went over to Dominic's aunts house and hung out for pizza and poker. Rachel's brother was in town from Washington so they invited us over so I could have a Navy wife to vent to about life since most of my friends now are all civilians, and Michael had another Chief (well he's retired now) to talk to about his future goals in the Navy and just to talk the whole Navy talk that Navy men love to do. So it was really nice they invited us over and we had a great time with all of them. Candy and Derek once again cleaned us out of all our change in poker but it was in all fun. Damn them I will beat them one day I swear.

Saturday Dominic had a pre-season game and although they lost, I think he had a great game personally. He's playing with kids his own age this year finally so he is pretty much playing all over the field. He plays line backer, and both offence and defense of line. He's a pretty busy kid out there but he enjoys it and I like watching him play a sport that he is good at. It took us forever to find a sport that he liked and was good at and enjoyed. As much as I didn't want him playing football when he was a baby, he had proved to me that this is the sport for him.

Today we relaxed and had quiet day because like I said tomorrow our life goes back to normal and so we all need to get back into the swing of things.

So until I can think of something else to write.
Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm happy for today:

Having 4 days that I feel good enough to get out and/or get stuff done around the house.
catching up on all my scrapbooks and downloading all the photos off my camera finally.
my new bible. I am enjoying reading it so much I really hate to wait to read more but I want to wait and keep to the schedule they have for me in my daily readings.

Philippians 4:13

2007-08-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies,caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success.

-- Author Unknown

3 Things I happy about today:

Still not getting up nearly as early as I need to for when I go back to work but I can say that I woke up today with out any pain and no major coughing. The world must be ending because I can't tell you the last time I had one of these mornings. I will try and cherish every moment of it today and get some errands done.
My scrap books. I have almost got them all caught up to date and I am so proud of them. It's so great to go back and look at the work I put in them and the pictures and to remember what a great time that certain event was.
Getting back into reading my bible. I bought a new one and it gives me something to read each day and it also explains the bible in a way a child could understand. Today I had to read Luke 18:1-14. It is a great section for me and for anyone who some times struggles with faith and thinking God doesn't hear my prayers. The bible is called "Life Application Study Bible". It truly is a great (heavy as heck) bible and I'd recommend it to anyone who has a hard time understanding the bible and the way it was written back in the day.

Nickelback

2007-08-19T19:01:00.001-07:00

"If Everyone Cared"

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive

[Chorus:]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
(I'm alive)

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...

[Chorus]

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died We'd see the day when nobody died

3 things I'm happy for Today:

People who donate because they give some many lives to people like myself that with out them we wouldn't have a chance to live anymore.

Finally having my appointments set for for my evaluation Sept 5,6,7 and 12Th (is the heart catheter)

My new lab top that my husband bought me today. I should not have anymore problems regarding computer issues.

My feelings are hurt!

2007-08-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

So in the past two weeks I've had 2 close friends that are or went through tough times not come to me because I'm sick. I am really sad by this because I feel like I can't be a true friend if people feel they can't come to me. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that they look at me and my situation so seriously but time and time again I've told them and everyone else that I do not want to be defined as my illness yet they don't feel comfortable letting me be a friend to them.

It probably wouldn't hurt so bad but truthfully this has happened to me twice in two weeks. Last week I finally got a hold of a high school friend and asked her if she was mad at me because she was ignoring me and she told me "no, I've just been going through a lot and didn't want to bug you because of all that you are going through." Then today I got an email from another friend pretty much telling me the same thing."I know you are going through so much with the transplant stuff that my problems don't compare." It actually almost makes me mad because they aren't letting me be the friend I know I am. Like they are walking on egg shells around me because I'm sick. Who cares if I'm sick or if I die, I still want to be a friend to the people who support me in my life. I vented to Mike about it, asking him if I come off stand offish and he said he didn't think I did but that he can see their side as much as my side wanting to be there for them even if I'm sick or not.

So if anyone else is holding out on coming to me for advice, to vent or just to chat in fear of you may upset me or bug me let me get one thing straight. I can only speak for myself, but I think a lot of people think this way who are living with a terminal illness. It's a lot easier to deal with someone else's problems than it is your own. Even if you aren't struggling with an illness it still is a lot easier to not think of your problems for a bit and help others; be a friend. I sit all day long dealing with my disease and wondering if and when I'll get on the list for a transplant, wondering if I'll need to take vicodin to get through the pain from my joints, wondering if I'll be more winded today than yesterday and wondering if I'll ever be "normal" again. These thoughts are what keep me up at night and what stress me through out the whole day. So when someone comes to me to vent, or to talk, cry on my shoulder or anything, I don't look at it as "Shit, I can't even believe they are coming to me with their little problems." I look at it as "Thank the Lord they are coming to me", because for that moment I feel normal and my head is not loaded with all the crap I fill it with when I'm sitting alone.

I've said this time and time again; I don't want to be define by my illness and when people feel they can't come to me because of it, it causes me to be defined by it. So please don't alienated me let me be your friend I have always been and don't be afraid to come to me. That is the last thing I want. HONESTLY!!!

3 things I'm happy about today :

My 2 friends who have not come to me because they worry too much about my well being. I wont give your names out but you know who you are. Thank you for worrying about me and my life but please let me live me life to the fullest until my time is up. With out you coming to me and being a friend to you is not letting me live to the fullest so stop. I WANT to be here for you. I'd tell you to leave me alone if I really felt you coming to me was causing me more stress or issues.
God for giving me another day on this earth. I may be fighting a cold or something but hey I'm alive and can't ask for much more.
AC because it's been hotter than heck these past days here in Santee.

Does this Chair make my butt look big?

2007-08-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Little humor for this hot lazy Sunday!

3 things I'm happy for today.
1> Sleeping in again. I love the weekends.
2> Mike turning the AC back on I guess while I was sleeping.
3> The condos' pool because today I think I may talk the boys into going there. If not I'm going to lay out on my balcony and read my book.

What my pizza says about me

2007-08-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

What Your Pizza Reveals
People may tell you that you have a small appetite... but you aren't under eating. You just aren't a pig.
You are a very picky pizza eater. Not any pizza will do. You fit in best in the Northeast part of the US.
You like food that's traditional and well crafted. You aren't impressed with "gourmet" foods.
You are dependable, loyal, and conservative with your choices.
You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna.
The stereotype that best fits you is guy or girl next door. Hey, there's nothing wrong with being average.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourpizzasayaboutyouquiz/">What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

3 Things I'm happy for today:

The weekend being here and being able to sleep in.
Going to Hall's house for dinner. Yum they are great neighbors.
Email it sure makes it easy to keep in touch with everyone.

It's these times

2007-08-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Its days like when my husband says he doesn’t have faith, and that is why it is so hard for him to be religious and wants to go to church that makes me wonder if I should feel the same. I mean if there really was a God would he put me through so much each day and have my friends and family suffer with me? Would he have war and world hunger and would he have others suffer in ways that I can’t even imagine?

It’s days like last night that I can’t sleep and wonder am I not sleeping because maybe if I fall asleep it will be my last night? Or is it just these thoughts that keep me up all night?

It’s days like today that I force myself to get up early so I can start getting my body ready for when I have to go back to work and I can’t seem to do it. It took me one hour and a half (with out taking a shower) to leave the bathroom, because I am coughing, gasping for air and blowing my nose for so long I just simply can’t get ready and I wonder “Am I going to be able to do this in a few weeks, get up every morning at 5:15am and make it to work on time, or should I call Mary now and tell her I can’t do it any longer?”

It’s mornings like today that I wonder if I am going to be strong enough both physically and mentally to handle a transplant; better yet get on the list or have we (me and the doctors) waited too long and my time is up?

It’s days like today when I know that it is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for myself today because I have all these thoughts in my head and wonder what can I do to get these thoughts out of my head. It’s easy to just say “Don’t think about them, think of the positive but it’s hard and I’m not sure anyone who is living with a terminal disease is always positive.” I wonder if I should seek professional help but fear they may put me on an anti-depressant and the medication will cause weight gain and since I lost all this weight to get on the transplant list I don’t want to jeopardize gaining any weight and them telling me that is a reason for me not to be a good candidate.

It’s times like today that I feel like just crawling back in bed and starting over but know the best thing for me to do is to just get the day over with and start over tomorrow. That my days like today usually don’t last longer than a day and that tomorrow I will be back to my chipper self, I just need to let myself feel this way and go along with the process and get over it like I always do.

3 things I am happy for today:
1- Finally getting out of the bathroom and catching my breath.
2- A journal because writing in here really does make me feel better than bottling it up inside.
3- The power of prayer because I know that God hears me when I’m weak like today and will get me through this day and all the rest. He has a plan for me as he does everyone and I don’t think my story is done quite yet.

UCSD visit finally

2007-08-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

Okay so I finally got to see Dr. Yung after 4 cancellations. When I first got there I was so upset because he was asking questions like he had never seen me before and talking to me like I waited to long to see him and what not, when I haven’t been the one who has been cancelling on him it’s him or his office who has been calling me and rescheduling my appointment. I just broke down and he actually left the room to talk to my regular doctor Dr. Shah to discuss what was going on. It was then that Mike said in a firm voice “Now is not the time to break down, you need to be strong now for him and your own good and break down once we leave the building.” He held my hand and understood what my frustration was but also knew that I had to shake these tears and get it all under control. So, a few minutes went by and he returned with no luck at trying to get a hold of Dr. Shah so Mike took it upon himself to get a hold of him while I talked to Dr. Yung. So, I took a short breath (because I can not take deep breaths anymore) and apologized to Dr. Yung for breaking down. I told him I was just really worried because I am getting worse everyday, my husband sees it, I feel it and Dr. Shah can see it in my test results. That Dr. Shah has wanted me to see him for over 3 months now but it took forever to get an appointment and then they changed the date on me 4 times. I told him that I felt that it was going to be to late for me to even try and get a transplant.” He told me not to apologize but that it was very important to get me into UCSD for a Transplant Evaluation. That it needs to be done soon so I can get on the list. So, it was a long 2 hour appointment but I have sort of bulleted the key things that were said from my appointment below. It is going to take about 2 weeks to get the paperwork done from the insurance and to set my appointments up for my evaluation (which all test should be done in about 4-5 days) and then my results will be submitted in front of a board and they will decide then if I am a good candidate or not. So, hopefully if things go in my favor in about a month from now I will finally have my beeper and I will be on the transplant list.
I did find out yesterday that Dr. Yung is not my surgeon for my transplant and that he hasn’t done surgery in about 20 years, so that was a bit nerve racking to me because why am I even speaking to him if he isn’t going to be my surgeon. And he also told me that he would most likely remove himself from being on my board because I am his patient and they have to try and not choose favorites when it comes to transplants. That if it was up to him he’d put his ok for a transplant because I’m his patient and he doesn’t want to lose any patient, so again I was like “Why am I even talking to you if you can’t help me get on the list either.” But I guess that’s just how the process goes and I have to agree with however the process works. I just want to get on the list really. He did however tell me that he WILL help me try and stable me where I am today with medicine and one he mentioned was Viagra. Yes, Viagra. I guess it helps open the arteries and helps get oxygen to the lungs and heart. So I may end up being put on that medicine and also something called Tracleer I think that is how you spell it. I’m not to sure what that will do but he thinks I may benefit from it.

So in a nutshell:

1.I should get a call from UCSD by August 20, 2007 to set me up for my evaluation.

2.My evaluation will consist of numerous blood samples, CT Scans, bone density test, Pulmonary function test, 24 hour urine sample, 6 minute walk, check my esophagus to make sure it isn’t to messed up from my acid reflux, psychological evaluation, a 2 hour movie on what to expect , and the scariest one for me a heart catheter. I believe that is it. I’m sure there is more but those are the ones I remember him telling me.

3.I can finally stop my immunosuppressant drug since I have proven to tolerate it with no severe problems. There is a GOD!!! I am so excited to get off of that terrible medicine. Now I won’t be nauseous all the time.

4. Went over the cons of a transplant and told me everything that could go wrong from death on the table, to rejecting the organs, to cancer, kidney failure, my % for the 1st year and my % with in the 1st 5 years and what not. I think he was just covering his butt and trying to make me understand that getting a transplant isn’t a cure that there is still a lot of things that can go wrong but I don’t care, if it gives me a chance to see Dominic grow then I will do what ever I have to, to get that chance; even if it only gives me one minute longer.

So thank you all for your prayers and emails and everything else you have done for me and my family. This is just one of many humps I have to get through to get my 2nd chance at life and hopefully I’ll be a good candidate and will have that opportunity to run and play with Dominic again and to walk with out the help of someone or oxygen tanks.

3 things I am happy for:

1. Finally getting the ball rolling for my evaluation.

2.My husband because he truly is my strength and keeps my fears in check when I want to give up.
3.Having my first night with out having to take my immunosuppressant drug.

I'm back from my "Woe me" vacation!!!

2007-08-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

DOES PRAYER CHANGE THINGS?

They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything?
Oh yes! It really does!

Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?
No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.

Does prayer change your financial future?
No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.

Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?
No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.

Does prayer change your wants and desires?
No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!

Does prayer change how you view the world?
No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.

Does prayer change your regrets from the past?
No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!

Does prayer change the people around you?
No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others.

Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?
Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out!

So does prayer REALLY change ANYTHING?
Yes! It REALLY does change EVERYTHING!

-- Author Unknown

3 Things I am happy about today:

To finally be happy and understand that life (mainly my doctor visits) can't always revolve around me. I need to know that others are also in need of lungs and may need them more than myself.
My husband and son because they really helped me get rid of this funk I was in.
Everyone for giving me my space when I asked to be left alone for the past week.

just my luck

2007-07-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

I just wanted everyone to know that my doctor once again canceled my appointment to speak to him regarding the transplant. He hasn't rescheduled the appointment but I will let everyone know as soon as I can. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing and just wanted to let people know now before anyone starts emailing/calling me wondering how it went. This whole process has been extremely hard both physical and especially emotional for me and of course Michael and Dominic who have to deal with it on a daily basis. Then calling a hour before my appointment I think just tip my emotions over and I had a hard time calming myself down. I cried (a lot and then cried a lot more) but am all out of tears now and simply have to try and pick myself back up and wait yet longer to speak to Dr. Yung. So I will keep everyone posted on when he reschedules but at this time I just really don't want to have to talk to anyone about it or have to tell everyone I'm ok. I'm not ok at the moment but will get over this as I normally do. Again, I'll be all right, I'm just let down and worry that Dr. Yung is putting me on the back burner. Will contact you all in due time. Thanks in advance for not calling and emailing me for now.

3 things I'm happy for:
truthfully it has taken me a long time to think of something to write here because I am so disappointment but I've come up with 3 after all. 1. My husband because he helps me get back on my feet with I'm down like this. 2. God, because I know everything happens for a reason rather I want to admit to it or not. 3. my son for giving me the hug I needed so badly earlier after the doctors office called. He had to be told by Mike to hug me but he did anyway and it felt really good.

To sum the Doctor visit up.

2007-07-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is what the doctor wrote on my papers to give to Dr. Yung on Tues.

Scleroderma with pulmonary involvement: pt will see Dr. Yung on 31jul07 to discuss transplant. given worsening sxs. I feel this may be the most prudent next step especially given toleration of azathioprine other than increased proteinuria.

For people who don't know what Proteinuria is it's : Proteinuria describes a condition in which urine contains an abnormal amount of protein. Proteins are the building blocks for all body parts, including muscles, bones, hair, and nails. Proteins in your blood also perform a number of important functions. They protect you from infection, help your blood clot, and keep the right amount of fluid circulating throughout your body. As blood passes through healthy kidneys, they filter the waste products out and leave in the things the body needs, like proteins. Most proteins are too big to pass through the kidneys' filters into the urine unless the kidneys are damaged. The main protein that is most likely to appear in urine is albumin. Proteins from the blood can escape into the urine when the filters of the kidney, called glomeruli, are damaged.

So hopefully Tues. Dr. Yung will agree with Dr. Shah and we will go ahead with the next step and get me me on the transplant list. Dr. Shah again said at this point there are only 2 things to do; 1- nothing and let time take it's course and just keep me comfortable (sort of like a hospice thing) or 2-get a tranplant or start the process before I get to weak to be able to handle it.
I told Dr. Shah "Death (not doing anything) is NOT an option and that I will go with plan B and try and get on the transplant list. So keep me in your prayers that this Proteinuria or me getting weaker doesn't keep me from being able to get a transplant.

I'll keep you posted on the next steps come Tues.

until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about today:

No feeling like I am going to throw up, like I did ALL DAY LONG yesterday.
My cleaners because they save me from inhaling the fumes of the cleaning products. Plus they always do a great job.
My family/friends for being so supportive in this journey of mine living with this terrible disease. With out each of them I wouldn't have come this far I don't think.

34th Birthday

2007-07-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

Dinner at Shogun's with great friends. Can't beat it.

3 things I'm happy about 2-day:

1. To be living longer than what the doctors once told me in CT. I knew in my heart I would beat some sort of odds.

2. Having friends to share in my birthday celebration.

3. my husband for giving me a great day of relaxing and dinner with him, Dominic and some of my friends.

"If you got a chance to build a friendship destroy an enemy."

10 inches donated

2007-07-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well I finally got to my 10 inches to donate to Locks of Love. I am a little shocked at what little hair I have left but I feel so wonderful donating my hair to people who will lose it during their cancer treatments. I can't donate blood or do marathons like others because of my disease so this is the only thing I could do to "give back" to the community. So 2 years of growing it out (ever since we moved to San Diego, this has been my goal) and finally I reached the 10 inches they would allow.
All Dominic and Mike could say was "Wow" so I'm not sure if they really like it or not but I already told them that this was a once in a lifetime experience and that I was already "growing it out". The great thing about doing this is that I got rid of all my old dead split ends and my hair feels really really healthy so I'm happy about that. I'm glad I did it but I must say I think I'll never go this short again. I do like my hair much shorter than it was but this is a bit to short I think. Who knows maybe in a few days I'll grow to love it and I can already tell it's going to be cooler on my neck and less of a hassle in the morning.

Locks of love I hope you enjoy the curls I gave you,
Carmen San Diego
3 things I'm thankful for:

Michelle the lady that cut my hair, because she had no clue I was going to do this and she was really patient with trying to give me as much hair as possible and still gave me a stylish look.
Ambien because it has been a relief for me this summer since I have insomnia, but I am going to have to ask for a lower dose because what I am on is kicking my butt through out the day.
My oxygen man, he really is patient with our request. I so need to give him a thank you note for all that he does for us (me).

The Zabatta's

2007-07-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Chrissie and Danny:

Danny coming over your first few nights in the cul-de-sac and asking for various tools to fix what housing decided not to.
To meeting you and you kids as they ran around my front yard stealing my little knick knacks in my little flower pot area.
To Caya and Cricket (am I right on the name) running around like maniacs in the front yard chasing each other and all of us worried Cricket would bite Caya and/or Caya knocking over the kids since she is so graceful. NOT!!!
You making me lasagna one night, it was SO good.
Danny being my “Honey Do” man when Mike was deployed, I mean the poor guy did everything laid my carpet down, hung my blinds, mowed my lawn, to hanging things up I couldn’t reach.
Watching Big Brother together.
Driving me to the airport and watching Caya for me when I went to Denver.
Getting my mail when I was gone.
Chrissie and I having Conspiracy Theories on all the neighbors. And I do mean all. LOL!!!
Danny’s most famous line “I will squash you like a grape!”
Matthew pooping outside and it having carrots in it and then Chrissie hosing it down while I dry heaved the whole time.
Chrissie slipping and busting your ass in the carport when the kids were playing in the pool.
Painting Olivia’s nails. She is so precious.
Matthew dumping a whole bag of Green Doritos on our carpet and then deciding to stomp on them afterwards. Leaving all us adults so shocked we couldn’t move.
Danny and Mike playing drums and singing to early in the morning keeping the neighborhood up all night (morning).
Danny being our buff neighbor.
Watching Dominic for me when I had to go to the doctors or something else.
Just being one of those friends that I could hang out and do “nothing” with and still feel like I’m doing something,

3 Things I'm Happy for today:

Mortin because I woke up with one big Headache.
Summer mornings that aren't go hot.
Having friends like the ones I dedicated this entry to. People like them make me a better person.

Sunday's Prayer

2007-07-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
You are the greatest Friend and joy I have! To be able to come to you in prayer like this is the most beautiful part of my life!
It is not just for me that I want to pray today, but for those who are near and dear to me and about whom I worry about at times. You know what we are facing, and you know most of all the deepest reasons why these things have come to us!
Only you are left. Do be with us in all things at all times. Protect us from enemies and evil. Forgive us from our sins and put love of others in our hearts. Make us all happy in our lives at home, and help us live as you would have wanted us to live. Above all, put love in our hearts for you.
And thank you, for your goodness to them and to me. Thank You for your love and guidance and protection! May we honor you all the days of our lives. And be happy and uplifted even as I feel right now!

Amen.

3 things I’m happy for today:

Having another day with my family. Each day I have these days I thank God that he has given me yet another day to be with them. Rather it’s a day I’m sick in bed, not able to get out due to my aches in my joints, my medication or winded and unable to leave the house because I can’t breath. To the days I’m feeling good and able to enjoy the outdoors with my family and/or friends. I thank God he’s has yet given me another day here on earth.
Friday because that was one of my better days and I was able to go out to eat and also to a movie with Dominic and Michael. We went to Red Lobster because I was craving lobster and crab legs and we saw Transformers which by the way was a great movie. A little long but so worth the money I believe. I give the movie a B- over all and an A for special effects.
My husband because he’s worked 10 straight days and still cares for me when he’s exhausted with a smile on his face. Man I love my sailor.

Sicko, no not the movie me!

2007-07-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't wrote in awhile because of many reasons; but mainly I have been nursing a cold that has taken over a week to finally go away enough for me to focus on my journaling. We went to Vegas which was a great time but by Thursday my body said "OK Carmen you've been around enough smoke for a life time and have done more in 6 days than you have all year. I'm shutting down the house." So Thursday afternoon I had said pretty much that I was done gambling and drinking and seeing Vegas and I was ready to go home whenever Mike and Dominic were. Lucky for me (not really) Friday both of them woke up with sore throats and head colds so we decided to go home a day early. We didn't come home big winners but we did enjoy our time there and that was the most important thing. Sadly, Monday I woke up with their sore throat and it lasted until about Friday and then it went into a head cold which I still have but I'm feeling much, much better today. I still feel crappy and actually cloudy but that is probably all the cold medicine I have been taking finally kicking in all at once.

So when we got home from Vegas we had a ton of mail to go threw and one thing I notice was a post card from UCSD telling me that my appointment on the 3rd has been changed to the 31st. This sucks because it keeps me in limbo another 3 weeks not knowing what we are going to do regarding the transplant or what our next step is but I know that Dr. Yung is a busy guy and I can't really do much about that but be disappointed. So I will see him on the 31st and I'll see my normal pulmonary doctor on the 25Th (both in July not August). I'm anxious to see them to discuss my blood work and the new medicine. I know that my blood work has been coming back a little bit messed up due to my connections but nothing is in the "critical" stages yet. I am just wondering if I am "tolerating" the medicine enough that it won’t affect me from starting the transplant procedure. Some of the things are coming back high when it comes to my kidney's but I haven't got any call from the doctors telling me to stop taking or reduce my medicine intake so rather they have forgot about me and my blood work (which wouldn't surprise me, being that usually I have to be proactive when it comes to getting any results back) or they don't see any concern yet. I haven't been as proactive this time around for a few reasons: 1. I went on vacation and didn't want any bad news to ruin my trip. 2. Like I said nothing has come back critical so I'm not going to stress it too much and 3. I simply don't want know if I could handle more bad news like I've been receiving lately so I am just going to wait it out until I see them in person. 4. I assume (yes I know NEVER do that) that if my blood work and urine was something to be worried about the people who draw my blood/urine would contact my doctors right away. I'm just going to wait it out and hope for the best. I will keep you posted on all my future appointments and what they have to say.

Other than that our summer has been pretty good. Vegas was great, D and I have been enjoying going to bed late and sleeping in later. We've been going to the pool to keep cool a lot and so that has been nice to get out of the house and get some sunshine on my body. I SO need a new bathing suit but can't find one I like. The one I have is too big now that I have lost so much weight (I'm 127.4 now). I hate shopping for bathing suits though. Unless you have a model figure you never are happy 100% or I'm not at least. Knowing me I'll find a bathing suit at the end of the summer and then won’t be able to use it until next year, oh wait I live in San Diego I can pretty much wear one year round. LOL!!! Had to through that in. :) Well that's about it. Now that I'm feeling a bit better I hope to write more in here. I'm going to go enjoy the summer day before it ends.

Until I can think of something else to write,

Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about today:

Starting to finally feel better.
My husband because man does he do a lot for me especially when I'm sicker than normal.
Marc/Donna (Michael's dad and step mom) because they were a huge help when they came to visit this last time.

Chris D.

2007-06-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Chris Drennon

First time I met you was our "Get to know the family" BBQ we had one at our house in New London. I thought you were actually quiet and really country (all because of the accent).
Meeting you and Michelle at Chuck E Cheese and having dinner there so the kids could take all our money and have us leave that place broke and with a headache and quickly in a need for some alcohol.
Rhodes Island trip to Providence Mall (if my memory was right you and Michelle and the kids were there but maybe I'm wrong on this one).
Numerous evenings at our house just hanging out. Maybe watching football or nascar (nascrap) or simply just swinging by on your way to the mini-mart to say hi or to keep Michael company.
Trick or treating with the kids.
Numerous stories of you from when you all were in school together, dog balls, to greasy head to God knows what. When there was a funny story, usually your name came up.
Getting in trouble for Michelle's license plate during 9-11.
Being our "White Chris Rock".
Checking up on me when Mike was on deployment. I should of got you to mow the lawn but it was still nice for you to make sure Dominic and I were OK.
To answering my questions on cytoxen, prednisone or any other drug they put me on when Mike wasn't there to answer the questions. Plus, I don't think he'd been as patient. You say you don't have much sympathy for people but I think you have a lot of patience when I'd ask you over and over about my chemo drugs. And/or call you to check my blood work results.
Watching Caya when we went on trips.
Babysitting Dominic when we wanted to go out alone.
Being my partner in John/Cheryl's wedding. Not sure you had a choice but I'm glad I walked with you since I wasn't able to walk with my hubby.
Getting you in trouble for saying "Right back at you babe." Still am sorry for that by the way.
Not being able to funnel and letting them seawolf guys torture you into trying to do it and making you practice with water until you got it right. Man that was a crazy night.
Still to this day when you call looking for Mike always making me laugh with your crazy stories of parenthood and work.
Being a great friend to me but especially to Mike. You help him escape his daily stress that he deals with me and forget even if it's for just for those few moments that he has to deal with a wife that has such a terrible disease.

3 things I'm happy for:

Good memories
good friends
good times

Great message for people like me who have a hard time forgiving.

2007-06-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

HOW HEAVY IS YOUR BAG?

One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes. For every person we'd refuse to forgive in our life,we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag.

Some of our bags, as you can imagine, were quite heavy.We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for one week,putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to our desk at work.The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity! Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, and while that's true, it clearly is also a gift for ourselves! So the next time you decide you can't forgive someone, ask yourself...Isn't MY bag heavy enough?And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him , so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

- Mark11:25-- Author Unknown

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Having a great time with the ladies on ladies night out (in). It was a great mix of people and it was so much fun getting together after hours and enjoying each others company.
Still feeling pretty darn "OK" on this new medicine. Haven't' got the results back from my blood but if it is as good as how I feel then I'm pretty sure I can tolerate this medicine and get on with the rest of the process to get me on the transplant list.
3 days in a row doing my 10 minutes work outs. Don't think at this moment I can move up to 15 or 2o minutes; but heck it's only been 3 days.

Summer Vacation

2007-06-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

104 and 10% humidity in Las Vegas. Lord help our summer trip. Luckily we have a pool to relax by and a few different things for us to do in doors. That heat is rather going to kill us or burn us into a nice crispy potato chip. Nah, it shouldn't be too bad. I hope. We'll make the best of it and lucky for me there's AC and the slot machines are in doors. LOL!! Got to run and finish the laundry. I have 2 days to figure out what to bring other than my bathing suit.

Until later,
Carmen

3 things I'm happy for:

Summer is here and I get to "try" and sleep in. I say try because it hasn't worked yet nor has the getting sleep with out waking up. I'm trying to wean myself from Ambien but it isn't working to well. I have all summer to nap during the day to get the sleep I need.
The sun when if first hits your skin and it still feels good with out being too overwhelmingly hot.
Movies because summer TV really does suck!!!

Schools out for Summer!!!!!!!!

2007-06-19T06:06:00.001-07:00

Today is my last of work. It's sort of bitter sweet. I'm looking forward to sleeping in and saving money/gas/mileage on my car, but I also fear not getting myself up everyday and "having" to be somewhere that my health will decline once again. So I am going to try, try and try some more to really stay motivated and keep myself busy, as well as Dominic. So my summer goals are:

To do those 10 minutes work outs I found on Free Zone everyday and if I go to the pool I'll do various exercises there as well. Like leg lifts, and bicycling. I know 10 minutes doesn't sound like crap to most of you, but coming from a person who hasn't exercised in probably a year this is a lot. Plus cut me some slack, I'm on oxygen and on immunesuppressent drugs. I hope to do this everyday, but if I can only do it 3 days a week, I'm not going to beat myself up. Something is better than nothing.
Make sure Dominic reads at least 30 minutes a day. As much as he HATES to read, I need to make sure he keeps up with it over the summer so he doesn't drop any further in his reading skills.
Catch my scrap books up.
Get my legs to match the same shade of brown as my arms.
keep the house tidy and do laundry more often.
Last have as much fun as I can!!!

I watched the movie/documentary called "A shot in the dark" I watched it by myself, it's nothing really Mike or Dominic would be interested in but I enjoyed it and it opened my eyes a little more to my life and the way I try to put my puzzle of life together. It sort of dragged in some areas but shit life can drag at times as well.

Happy Summer,

Carmen

3 things I'm Happy about:

Last day of work.
Dominic's getting all B's and 1 C on his report card.
Feeling pretty good lately on my medication. Hopefully my blood work and urine will say the same thing.

A woman should have

2007-06-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect..
but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone ..
even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

3 Things I'm happy for today:

Wearing shorts to work and NOT feeling self conscious
Keeping my weight down and now being a size 8 in women's and 9 in juniors.
Having 4 days of feeling good.

Morning Blessing

2007-06-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

From my favorite Rev.; Rev. Run (from Run DMC and the new reality show Run's House)

Good morning. Take responsibility for your life, NEVER blame unjust circumstances or restrictive authorities. Doing this empowers you to make decisions that will benefit you in the long run! Patience, humility, and the willingness to eliminate what isn't really working will always free you up! (Always Remember) Ups and downs, expansions and contractions will be a part of any life! Make your life count! Be strong... NEVER allow yourself to lose hope about your future! :)
God is Love
Rev Run

3 things I'm Thankful for today:

A good nights sleep.
Waking up to birds not Dogs barking.
Having a job to go to still. All though I am looking forward to summer I fear I may get bored and start the "woe me" feelings again.

Paris Hilton, Cry me a River.

2007-06-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am really getting tired of hearing about her and her jail time. I mean really. When is it going to end. The media would rather cover this than actual news like our Military men and women in war. It's crazy. People probably know more about her and what is the latest on her 45 day sentence than what is actually going on in their city. This saddens me. It just goes to show that if you have money you can get away with a lot. If I was to get 2 DUI's and violate my probation they would throw my ass in jail regardless of my "medical condition". I am sure there are many people in jail right now that have a "medical condition" that are getting the royal treatment that she is getting. Really the girl just needs to do her time and get over herself. Maybe she'll actually learn a lesson from all this but truthfully I don't think she will. I just hope all those M.A.D.D. and other groups like that rally around the jail and make their voices heard that just because your parents are millionaires doesn't mean you can get out of jail.

Lighter note, this is the first time since on the new medicines that I haven't woke up too nauseous after taking my antibiotic. Not sure if I should jump up in down just in case that triggers me to get sick or just count my blessing for this morning (well afternoon). I think I'll just count my blessings and enjoy it while it last.

I also decided that I'm not writing letters to people any more about what they mean to me. All my friends and family suck so I say "Screw them".... gotcha. No it started to become too emotional and I didn't like the letters that I was getting back from people because they'd make me cry. So instead I'm just going to write them like a tribute. Remind them of all the great times and memories I had of them and maybe even post them here so people can see all the fun memories I've had with them and are still having. I don't want it to look or feel like I'm dying. I mean I am dying (we all are) but I want to enjoy the now and not feel like I'm sending a good-bye letter to everyone. So if you got a letter from me already consider yourself lucky and if you haven't yet, relax I'm still working on them. I'm going in alphabetical order by first name so chill. One can only write so many letters/ tributes in a week. I'll be writing more once I'm home for the summer. Sorry Yvonne you are are the last person in my email and probably wont get yours until like Christmas but you already know how much you mean to me.

Well I'm signing off and am going to enjoy this good feeling while I can.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm Happy for:

Feeling good.
The movie Bobby, it was pretty good and I learned a little more about my history.
My new car. Did I mention I got a new car? It's great. I love it.

Milk Glass Moon.

2007-06-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book Called "Milk Glass Moon" by Adriana Trigiani and recently she wrote some stuff that hit home. I'm only about half way through the book but it's a really good easy reading book if you are interested. These few things I'm writing are a little deep but they hit home and so I wanted to write them here in my blog. The book isn't really this deep just this chapter in the book, where she just found at one of her friends has breast cancer and later on in the chapter she is talking to her daughter about her mom who passed of breast cancer before her (daughter) was born. Again, it sounds so sad and hard to read but really it isn't like that at all. It's very easy reading actually a great story of a woman trying to redirect her life and her journey on how to parent her preteen daughter who goes through all the rebellious stages teens go through.

"I just wish you didn't have to go through this at all."
"Honey, that ain't on the list of options. There's so much I want to do with my life. I'm not gonna let this get me down. I got plans. I think of all the places in this world that I want to see, and how happy I'll be when I get there. I've never looked at my life like it would end. But now I have proof that the clock is ticking. And by God, I'm not leavin' until I've seen and done everything I've always wanted to do."

"But I could sort of understand when my mother passed away; she was sick a long time, and toward the end I begged God to take her. She was so thin, and she was in a lot of pain. They a;ways tell you that they can give you something for the pain., but they really can't. I don't think it's just physical pain either,it's the sadness at leaving the world and the people you love."

3 Things I'm happy for:

A great book to keep me company when there is nothing to watch during the summer time.
A quiet house and all you hear are the trees and birds outside and my dog snoring on her bed.
The long summer evenings we are starting to get.

message from God

2007-06-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

From: GOD

To: All those who believe in me

Date: Today and Everyday

Subject: Life's problems

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (something for Jesus to do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME,not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or remove it.Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution.Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.As with all good things, pass it on-- Author Unknown

3 Things I'm Thankful for:

God because when I feel I can't go any further he picks me up and keeps me going.
The movies, because it makes family time enjoyable for us when I am so limited. We went and say Pirates 3. Good Flick but I still like #1 the best.
Children's laughter. I hear Dominic and his friend up stairs laughing and it's a great sound to remember when you were young and carefree.

What would happen if you told the absolute truth all day?

2007-05-31T14:17:00.001-07:00

I believe that I do tell the truth all day long but everyone is known for telling white lies in order to keep peace or to not come off as a bitch or to hurt someones feelings. I believe if I was to tell the real truth and no white lies I would probably hurt some peoples feelings. Sometimes when I hear people complain about their life and what they are doing with it I want to scream.
Some may complain about wanting to lose weight, while others may complain about their jobs or children, or debt or not getting something accomplishment that they want in life.
Some may say they are going to die because they have the littlest fever or sore throat or cough while others will complain that they are the victims of everyone else's conspiracy theories.
I want to shake these people and tell them, if you want to lose weight quit the chewing. I lost 25 pounds with out exercise, it's called being disciplined and really wanting it. When people complain about their children I want to tell them "Well at least you have children." Some try for years and never are successful.
People who complain about their jobs I want to tell hem "quit" If you are that unhappy then why stay there and make everyone else miserable around you. If you hate your house then move if you are sick stay home so yo don't spread the germs and get us all sick. If your life is that bad then its very simple fix it or shut up.
If I was to tell the real truth when people asked me "Hey how you feeling?" I would rather bore them with all my aches and pains and how sick of being winded and just being tired of being sick and probably end up losing the majority of my friends. I would also end up snapping at someone and telling them "Just because I look good (as they tell me ) doesn't mean I am good" People can be internally ill and still have nice clothes and put on make up and fix their hair. It doesn't mean that in the inside everything is working and ticking the way it should be, it simply means I care about my appearance.
If I was to tell the honest truth I would tell one of my neighbors that their dog is driving me insane with its barking and that I finally sent a letter in to the condo association to complain about it.
I'd tell people to f' off when they looked at me on my medical scooter or wearing oxygen and I would tell my doctors that truthfully I'm sicker than I want to tell them I am but I'm terrified of them running more test and it rather hurting me physically, or getting put on new/more medication or them finding yet something new about my condition.
I'd tell certain people to forget the past because there isn't anything you can do about it and move forward because they are wasting valuable time. That life is too short to hold grudges and to be a hater.
I'd tell certain family members to drink less and others to have a drink to calm their nerves. I'd tell some to eat better and not smoke while other to maybe smoke some pot or pop a Valium to chill.
I'd tell some people they dress like a tramp or too revealing for their age or body type while I would tell others to show off their beautiful curves.
I'd tell people to not to stress over the littlest things and to stop and smell the flowers more often and enjoy life because you just never know when it's going to be taken away from you.
If I told the absolute truth all day I would have a lot of explaining to do when the next day and that I why I am a big believer than a little white lie is better than hurting someones feelings.

medical update on me

2007-05-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
I just wanted to let you all know that I spoke to my doctors today and they have told me that I have to go on a chemo type of medication again. It's an immunosuppressant drug called Azathioprine (you can get the details on www.webmd.com). Dr.Shah(my pulmonary doctor) told me that I had to go on this medicine and see if I tolerate it before they can put me on the transplant list. I have to tolerate this medicine before anything because this is a medicine that I'll HAVE to take for the rest of my life after a transplant so I don't reject me new lungs.
So it's a catch 22 to me because I have been on immunosuppressants before (Cytozen and Cellcept) and both of then I didn't tolerate; my kidneys started to act up and had to be taken off of them. I'm nervous because I know of all the side effect ( they really suck, like having the flu and I'm tired more than I am already) and weekly blood work I'll have to go through once again but I also know I have to try this in order to move forward on the process of a transplant.
Good thing is my job will be ending for the summer so I'll have the whole summer to be sick (Lord I hope not) and I have a great support system with Michael's parents, my family and friends in San Diego to help me out during this process if needed.
Anyhow, keep your fingers crossed, wish on a star or pray; what every you do that I tolerate this medicine well so that it wont keep me from getting on the list. I go Friday after work for a complete blood and urine work and will start my new medicine that day as well.

Thanks for your support,
Carmen

I live in a dog pound

2007-05-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

So I stayed home today because I had a stomach ache (with "issues") and a migraine. The migraine has been something I've been suffering with ever since they put me on blood pressure medicine. I keep getting headaches and I've tried 2 different types of medicine trying to find something that helps my heart rate, yet gives me no headaches. Nothing so far has helped and actually this new one has given me hot flashes so I feel terrible.

Anyhow, I called out of work today and thought a good day sleep and/or rest will get rid of my headache. I figured, adults are at work, kids at school and the neighborhood would be quiet. Boy I was wrong. Instead the neighborhood was barking. They call the section of condos where we live "dog alley" because every house has a dog but I never realized what the big deal was until I was home today and trying to get rid of my headache. I swear they were barking at nothing. Even my dog who isn't a barker most of the time had to chime in with the rest. Man she's such a follower. Anyhow my day that was suppose to be peaceful and restful ended up being worse because I couldn't get rid of this headache and I only thought of things to get the dogs to shut up. Me thinking hard for ways to deal with the dogs only made my head hurt worse. I think going to work would of been better looking back now. It's now 4:15pm and guess what? I don't hear a damn sound other than my oxygen machine. Such is my luck. Oh well I guess there is always tomorrow. I'll suck it up tomorrow and just take my Motrin and deal with the headache instead of dealing with the dog pound I live in.

I love my neighborhood and dogs to death but I am now starting to worry about the long summer if these dogs continue to bark all the time. We used to have a neighbor who of course didn't have a dog and was like the neighborhood police and would complain about anything. She once even complained to us about Caya whining when we left in the morning during the first few weeks we moved in. Looking back the neighborhood was nice and quiet. I think those dogs knew she meant business. Today is the day I actually missed her being my neighbor.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen
3 things I'm thankful for:

dark rooms
quiet afternoons
caffeine and Motrin 800 mgs.

Questions!!!

2007-05-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

50 things that might not be completely random but are still pretty darn random about YOU.

1. Where is your pet right now?Outside getting a tan.

2. Last time you kissed someone?This morning before I went to work.

3. Name five things you did last night?
1. Watched American Idol
2. ate dinner
3. did my dumbbells for the first time in months
4. picked out what I was going to wear for work
5. slept

4. Last time you consumed alcohol?Mother's Day I had a glass of champagne

5. What color phone do you have?black

6. what are you doing today?I woke up, went to work, came home and did this survey.

7. Where does your best friend live?Fla. and my hubby lives with me also. I have 2 best friends

8. How many kids do you have?1

9. What outfit you have on at this exact moment?pink baby doll top and jean Capri pants

10. What color are your eyes?hazel

11. Have you ever been in love?yes...

12. When was the last time you drank a martini?hmmm...I don't think I really ever had one. Maybe tasted one I think a long long time ago.

13. Did you do any chores today?doing laundry as we speak

14. What are you doing tomorrow? work, cook, hang out with my man and boy. Same thing I do most nights.

15. Do you know someone who likes you?yes I think so.

16. Have you ever had a friend named "Fred, Frank, or Felipe"?yes, yes and yes

17. Name three people you met in the past two months?umm, 3 different doctors does that count?

18. What color is your hair?brown

20. Have you ever said "I Love You" and not meant it?probably when I was young and stupid and didn't know what love really was

21. Do you want a boyfriend/ girlfriend?NOPE have a wonderful husband don't need anyone else

22. What is the closest green object to you?the blanket on my lap

23. Have you ever been teased really bad?Yes. Probably by people now because i wear oxygen.

25. Did you enjoy your last kiss?always

26. Do you believe in ghosts?yes

30. When was the last time you were interested in someone?I'm interested in everyone and everything in different ways.

31. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?no, but it sounds good now.

32. Do you miss someone right now?yes my family and friends back on the east coast

33. Do you believe the statement "bigger is always better"?no

34. Do you have a lot of guy friends? I think I have equal guy/gal friends but they are all married friends.

35. Do you have a friend with benefits?nope

36. What is one thing you've learned about life?bad things happen to good people. You just learn to roll with it.

37. Whats your favorite color?black38. Are you jealous of anyone?yes everyone that can breath with out oxygen tubes.

39. Ever fell down the steps?no, I fall up them for some reason.

40. What does your grandma call you?Carm or Carmen probably a few others when I'm bitchy but she's never came out and called me them just thought them I'm sure.

41.What does your best friend call you?Carmen, shug, Carmelina

43. Has a friendship ever turned into something more?yes

44. Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend?yes

45. What have you eaten today?an apple and a handful of nuts46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?curly

48. Who was the last person you drove with?Dominic yesterday

49. What are you looking forward to?hopefully my insurance approving the claim for me to start the process of getting new lungs.

50. How are you today?I am OK, been better and worse but still here and that's what counts

3 things I'm thankful for:

Knowing my numbers, because this survey obviously doesn't because it's missing a lot of numbers.
Having 2 days in a row that I feel pretty good. Knock on wood.
my co-workers, they keep me smiling and feeling well.

4 things to live by!

2007-05-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

(FOUR RULES TO LIVE BY)

"I met this guy while I was in Albuquerque and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4rules:
Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie. I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are:
1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.
2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night, thank God you live in America and have freedom.
I am not as good as I should be; I am not as good as I could be; but THANK GOD, I am better than I used to be."

3 things I'm thankful for:

So far having a cough free morning (knock on wood).
mornings I don't feel pain like today.
paying the bills and still having money left over. Always a great feeling.

Doctors Visit

2007-05-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a lot of doctor visits lately that I don't think I have wrote about. One I went finally to rheumatology and he sent me off for a bunch of lab work and a dexa scan and a new medicine to see if my heart rate and raynauds will get better. To make a long story short with that.

The labs are came back good. Thank God. Both times 2 weeks apart.
Dexa Scan came back with some bone weakening in my hips but hopes that the new calcium pills he prescribed will help strengthen them and that we will probably just moderate now until later.
He put me on an ace inhibitor which had a few side effects. None that caused weight gain, which I refused to take if it did but it did cause a cough. The cough got to be unbearable and so I decided it wasn't worth taking and so I quit taking it about 4 days ago. Plus I was getting bad headaches which he said would go away but never did.

Yesterday I went and saw my Pulmonary doctor Dr. Shah to just talk about my well being and to beg him for a referral to see Dr. Yung who is the doctor at UCSD that does the transplants. Well there wasn't any begging to be done. He could tell that I am deteriorating. He explained that with Scleroderma you can try certain drugs and see if there is a way to slow the process and/or put in in remission but since I've tried everything the only thing that will save my life is a transplant. I really shouldn't say "save my life" because the whole double lung transplant is a life threaten procedure in its own. Plus, I'm very weak these days so I may not make it and/or my body my reject the new lungs so it's really a craps game. But it's a risk I am willing to take. Mike was there and he explained to Dr. Shah that at this time really all we (my family) are doing is watch her deteriorate. That I am always winded, rely on my O2 24/7, and can't seem to get enough sleep. This is all true but it was nice to actually have someone else tell the Doc that as well. I explained to him my cough is exhausting, the joint pain is terrible and I never feel like I am fully rested, and now I'm driving around on a scooter and I'm 33 years old. He could tell we were serious and new I needed to see Dr. Yung. I also told him I quit taking the ace inhibitor and he gave me a different pill to try and help my blood pressure (with out the side effect of coughing) and gave me Ambien to help sleep which I was a little nervous about. I took it last night and I don't feel any more rested than before but maybe tonight will be different.

So Monday I am calling Dr. Yung and hopefully he will see my weight loss (I now weigh 130.8), and see how much worse I have gotten since Sept. 2006 when I saw him last and he will start the process and accept me to be a good candidate for a transplant. I never thought I'd pray for a transplant or to have such a major surgery but I never thought I'd pray every night to just see my son graduate from high school either. I'll keep you posted on my appointment with Dr. Yung and like I said hopefully I can get on the list and get a new chance on life.

Until I can think of something else to write,

Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm thankful for:

my bed
my wonderful husband who has been a wonderful caregiver to me
my dog who always gives me kisses; like she knows I don't feel well.

Bitter Sweet

2007-05-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well the family has come and gone. Today we are back to the 3 of us; well 4 if you include the laziest dog I know. LOL! It's nice to have the house back to what we call "normal" but I miss them all so much. I get so emotional now a days. I guess I just know that my time is so short and valuable to see my loved ones that I never want to say good bye. My Uncle, Aunt, and Grandma left on Saturday and although I was half asleep when they left, once they did leave the room I couldn't control my tears. I'm just so scared I wont see them again. I mean not just me but my Grandmother is also getting up there in age and with age well anything can happen. I cried myself back to sleep but then I was talking to my mom and again I started to cry telling her I just hate saying goodbye to anyone now because I know my time is running out unless I get a transplant and it is just scary/sad. I don't want to have to say good bye; not now!

I finally got my tears under control for the next few days but again today I had to say goodbye to my parents and Nik and cried all the way to work. I guess people say a good cry is good every know and then but I don't like it, not when it's saying good bye to my love ones. I want to be around a long time and just pray for a transplant.

Other than having to say good bye, their stay was awesome. We talked Brad/Lynn in staying at the house so they wouldn't have to drink and drive and so we really got to let our hair down so to speak. It was truly great seeing them. I never thought anyone would visit us out here other than my parents but they surprised me. The guys went to a baseball game one night and we the girl to a casino. Then we had pork steaks one night which was awesome and played many of games. We laughed, drank and ate way to much and even on the days were I wasn't feeling all that well we hung out at home and made the best of it. They were a huge help around the house with cooking and cleaning which now a days we really appreciate it. With Mike still on recovery and me the way I am it's nice having company that doesn't mind lending a hand here and there.

So our life is back to normal now and it's nice to have Dominic back in his room but I already miss them all and can't wait t0 have them all return. Like my title it is a bitter sweet feeling but I know I will see them again. I will do what ever I need to be able to fight this crappy disease and enjoy my family and friends.

Friday I go to the Pulmonary doctor to beg him to send me back to UCSD because I know that I am not the same and am getting weaker everyday. Hopefully he will agree to give me a referral and the Dr. Mc Grumpy I saw the last time (Dr. Yung) will say it's time to start the process of getting put on the transplant list. I'll keep you posted.

Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

my wonderful family for visiting me.
my son who is a real trooper when it comes to giving up his room for company.
air mattress' because with out them we wouldn't of been able to have everyone stay with us.

long week coming to a close

2007-04-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

This week has been a VERY long week for me. I am feeling pretty darn good (knock on wood) but Michael has had the flu since Saturday so I really had to step up this week and help more than I normally do. Actually I am pretty proud of myself that I was able to do more than I thought I was able to do physically but I think it was because mentally I felt great this week. I had to do both the cooking and the cleaning which usually we share the jobs and go to work and help Dominic with his homework, but I also had to help Mike because he was not only sick but he had shoulder surgery 2 weeks ago and so he is still not able to use his arm for anther 2-5 weeks. So when push comes to shove I am able to step up to the plate but man it really makes me realize how bad these lungs are. I guess they aren't to bad because like I said I was able to step up to the plate this week (with the help of Dominic and man he was a big help) but I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is Friday and thank God for that because I am so looking forward to sleeping in and enjoying time away from work and not having to get up early and what not. Plus Mike is just now starting to feel a little better but I haven't seen him this sick ever. I mean he gets his occasionally sniffles and hang overs like us all but the poor guy lost like 15 pounds since his surgery. He got the flu bad and he got the freaking flu shot. Makes you wonder if it's really worth getting the shot.
So the weekend is coming; we plan on straightening up the patio since we really haven't had a chance since Loreen left because of rain and Michael getting sick, and doing a little around the house. Cleaners come on Monday which is perfect since all our guest are coming Tuesday afternoon. I'm so excited to see my Aunt and Uncle and Grandma and of course my parents and Bro but I never thought any other family would ever visit us since they didn't in CT. and now they are. We are going to have so much fun. I'm limited to stuff as everyone knows but the good thing is I finally have a scooter so I can do more things that include walking because Yvonne was nice enough to sell me her mothers who has sadly passed away. I hate the fact that I have to use a scooter now because it does show that I am getting weaker but I refuse to be locked in this house and be limited to few things. I want to be able to go to the parks again with Dominic and watch him on the rides and this will really help me out. Plus when we go to Vegas it's going to come in great, great help with me walking around from hotel to hotel. Funny but I never thought I'd be excited about being sick but I am excited about my scooter and being able to enjoy the great outdoors again. Thank you Yvonne (and your momma too)
I got my Dexa scan done but no results yet and my blood work looked pretty normal. WBC's and RBC's were a little high that is to be expected when you have an autoimmune disease, just means I'm fighting my body which it thinks is foreign. I go Monday to Dermatology to check out these brown spots on my face but I've been real good about using my Avon bleacher and I see a difference so I probably don't need to see them but better go just in case.
Oh I got on the scale the other day and I am 134 pounds so I've lost 21 pounds which is great because I know I will gain some back with the fam coming in. It's great being able to fit into a size 8 and small top again but I've lost a lot of muscle tone. I made all the girls at work feel my mushy butt the other day because they didn't believe me. I have a butt but it's like jello. I really need to start exercising and tone this up. I have a lot of loose skin which I find very gross. So I couldn't work out after last Sat. because we had Matt the contractor here doing Dominic's bathroom but today I forced myself to do Pilate's. I wish I could do more cardio but it's just not an option these days. Hopefully doing weights and Pilate's and my yoga I will tone this body up and get stronger. OK I've rumbled on and on and should sign off before I not only bore you but bore myself as well when I reread it.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen
Three things I am Happy for:

Michael because he is starting to feel better now and get his energy back. Bless his heart.
Dominic first time ever he brought home his progress report and he wasn't missing ANY assignments. We are so proud of him.
Laughter, it really is great medicine.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2007-04-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

You probably don't think I remember this but I actually remember the first time I met you (or I think it was the first time). I was really young 4 or 5 I think and you came over to the house on Edwards street and you put me to sleep or at least tried to put me to sleep. I remember laying in bed talking to you, for what seems like to me was hours; it might have only been a few minutes but I remember. I remember talking about school, books, playing, my favorite toys and TV shows. I remember asking you a bunch of questions like your name, do you have any sisters or brothers, do you have a dog or cat, and you were so patient with me and I remember thinking what a great guy this is. I think even at that time I wanted to marry you. LOL!!! Simply because I wanted you all to myself. I asked you a key question that night after my mom came in the room to tell you to come out or maybe it was Michelle I can't remember I just remember the door opening and a female saying for me to go to sleep and to let you go and I asked you then to stay and not too leave me. You didn't you stayed longer, probably until I fell asleep but I remember that night so well and to this day you have never left me. You have always been there for me. From that day on you have never left me. Even when I was a rebellious teen and probably wanted you and every other adult to leave me you didn't. You have always kept your word and I thank you so much for that.

I remember crying about being picked on for being the chubby girl, to boys, or school, to helping with homework and teaching me to drive. To giving birth, to marriages and divorces, hurricanes, vacations, to being my private ATM at times. To hospital visits for Dominic as a child or to me as an adult you've been there for me. Thanks for never backing out of your word. I'm sure that every daughter thinks that they have the best dad but I know it. Life has proven to me in so many ways that you are the best and I am just so grateful that God gave you to me.

So tonight when I have my glass of wine I will raise it up and toast you on your birthday. May you have many many more. Thanks for being the best dad anyone could ask for but mostly thanks for always sticking to your word and not leaving me. I love you so much!!!

Happy Birthday,
Carmen

3 things I'm happy for:

Marty, because I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for all his pep talks and support.
Exercising today, even though iron yoga kicked my ass, I did it!
Motrin because I know later I'll need it. LOL!!!

week full of doctor visits.

2007-04-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

So I sucked it up and finally went to see a Rheumatogist. I have put this off since leaving CT. but have decided to go and see one because of the brown spots I have all over my face and now neck and also because of my joint pain. As I figured they put me on a new medicine called Lisinopril. It's a ACE inhibitor used mostly for high blood pressure but it can also help with Raynauds (my purple fingers and toes). They also mentioned that it helps prevent kidney failure and since usually that is the next organ or really the first organ to go with Scleroderma they want me to see if I tolerate it and help protect my kidney. I've had problems with them (kidney's) in the past so I like the idea of trying to protect them before it gets any worse. So this new pill is like a 3 in 1 so we'll have to wait and see how I tolerate it. This also means I'm going to have to start the whole lab work again every few weeks monitoring my blood and urine and make sure my liver and kidney's are working correctly, so I am not looking forward to spending more days giving blood but oh well I've had to go through worse.

I also have to get a Dexa Scan done that test for osteoporosis. They don't think I have it now but I could end up getting it and since I'm already complaining about joint pain they just want to wean out anything that might be going on. I asked them for a pill I could take other than Vicodin for my pain and they told me no, to keep taking that as needed so I was sort of bummed about that because I don't want to get addicted to the drug but I have been really good with taking only 1/2 a pill when needed and rotating it with Motrin as well.

I also have a appointment for dermatology for all the brown spots on my face. I told them I have the opposite of Michael Jackson, he gets whiter and I get blacker. My face is browning and now I found a new spot on my neck that I swear popped up over night so they want derm to check it out. They ( Rheumatogist) say there might be a cream or they might laser it off depending on what it is. That's on Monday and my Dexa Scan is tomorrow so I will keep you all posted.

I saw my naturalist doctor today and she says I am improving every week but that I am like a very slow moving turtle, but as anyone knows the turtle is what won the race in the end so I'm ok with her news.

Mike is getting stronger everyday which is great and Loreen left but now Bill (our friend) is here until Friday. Our house has turned into a hotel. We call it the swinging door. Someone leaves and another one comes in. Before I know it, my parents, brother, Grandma, and Aunt and Uncle will be here and then again Loreen and Bill for her Birthday. So like I said we love the company. It's never really a dull moment here at our house. Too much company for us to get bored.

Until later,
Carmen

3 Things I'm thankful for:

naps, I used to hate them but now I love them.
sunsets
Having a day that I don't cough like a crazy woman. I thank the lord for these days.

What is your favorite time of year?

2007-04-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of year is during the summer, when the weather is hot and the days are long. I enjoy this time of year the most because I am off of work and so is my son from school, so it gives us a lot of quality time together. We get to enjoy staying up late watching TV or movies, sleeping in and then spending the afternoons in the pool or at the beach.
The smell of chlorine or seaweed almost helps me forget that I am sick and so I enjoy for that moment as long as I can. I like laying around in our intertubes in the pool talking about what to cook for dinner, Caya our dog and betting if Michael will come out and join us or take a nap because he is tired from work. Usually the nap wins because unlike us in the summers his job continues.
Summer is my favorite time of year because in the distance I can hear the ice cream truck going in and out of the streets, children playing and BBQ's grilling. It just reminds me so much of time well spent with family and friends. I also go from red wine to Margarita's, rum (dark) and cokes and cold beer which is always refreshing on a hot day.
Summer is the time for family vacations rather they be just weekend get-a-ways, or planned long trips to visit family, friends or a city we haven't been to yet. It reminds me of one of my favorite holidays 4Th of July, due to the fireworks and sparklers.
Summer is also my favorite time of year because it's the beginning of football season for my son. Which means we are extremely busy 6 days a week with practice and games but as a parents it's so exciting to see him out in the field and trying his best not just for us his parents but for his coach and teammates. He really is a good player and I am not just a proud parent bragging.
Summer is also my favorite time of year because my birthday falls in the summer and every birthday that passes is another year I have lived to be with my family and it's another year I have beat this disease. To me it's sort of like "Ha Ha, I'm winning" kind of victory I have every time I get to blow out the 2 candles with the numbers (don't even try the 30+ candles anymore LOL).
Summer is awesome for so many reasons and now I just have to sit back and count the 65 days (I think) until my summer finally begins.

3 Things I'm Thankful for:

Pastor Tony emailing me to tell me they now have service on Sunday nights at 6pm which is a much better time for us, since Sunday is the only days we get to sleep in and I'm always so winded in the morning.
Rainy days like today so none of us have an excuse why we aren't doing anything other than laying around.
My husband because even though he is in a lot of pain he still tries to make sure I am doing ok as well. Got to love that man!!!

If:

2007-04-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Don't have too much to write today. Mike is home safely from his shoulder surgery and is trying to stay out of pain as much as possible. Dominic's spring Break is coming to a close and I am feeling much better than yesterday. Today we all have decided to pretend its Sunday, which means to simply relax and possibly play a game and watch some movies. I have decided to do an IF question since I haven't in awhile. Randomly picked this question.

If you could decide how many times a year you saw your own parents, how often would it be? I think weekly or bi weekly. When we lived in Key West it was great because we'd get together's alone (the 5 (6 if Nick was there)) or with our Navy friends and drink, BBQ and hang out. It was nice having them so close. Now, I always feel that the time they are here goes too fast or it needs to be spent on the go go go so they dont get bored, or so they see as much as possible of what ever duty station we are at. Living close to home or close to your parents makes a big difference. I think that is why Michael likes it so much here because we are so close to his parents and due to that we don't have to do much. We can just chill and hang out. But that is also because they are living close by and so we do see them more often. So back to the question I think I liked it when I saw them weekly or bi-weekly. It was really nice seeing them so often. I miss that a whole lot.

3 things I'm happy for:

My mom and pop.
Loreen for being a HUGE help with both Mike and me these past few days.
Dominic for stepping up and being the man of the house while daddy is not feeling well.

Things that make you go Humm!!!!!

2007-04-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

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Spring Break is over too soon!!!!

2007-04-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well our anniversary went by fast and so did our (my) Spring Break. It was very nice though but too fast. We had a little dinner celebration with friends one for our anniversary and two just to cheer on the Spring Break and warm weather. Dan, Glenn, Eric, Marie, Yvonne, Bill , Mike and I enjoyed a little BBQ and a lot of wine. Doesn't sound like anything different than normal at our house but it was nice. We didn't play any games this time, just talked so it was nice to "shop talk" both for the guys and us girls.

Then we went to San Jose for Easter but traveling is starting to become a pain in my and everyone elses ass and so I always feel like such a burden on everyone but know one seems to complain too much or actually at all other than me. I hate this whole living on oxygen thing and not being able to walk very long but oh well I'm still alive and I have to just start looking at the brighter side of things. So in San Jose we as usual ate and drank too much and played a lot of cards. We watched some good movies and got lots of rest. I always and this goes back to before my oxygen days have been overly tired at Loreen/Bills house but I think its just the life style. Everything there is slow and peaceful. I always feel bad because I want to take naps and sleep but Mike does the same thing so I guess its just getting out of the city life and heading to the country that we both just really unwind when we get there.

Loreen came back with us, because unlike me Dominic has a 2 week spring break and so she wanted to come back and babysit him even though I told her she didn't have too because my hours at work are so few. It ended up being a good thing though because Michael has to get surgery tomorrow finally on his shoulder. So it's nice she is here to help out because with these old lungs of mine I'm only good for so long. Really I don't know what we would do if she wasn't here it'd be the death leading the death. LOL!!! We'd be doomed and in a mess if we didn't have someone healthy helping us.

Today, was a weird day. I didn't cough not one time in the morning and actually felt pretty good up until my last 20 minutes of work then of course my luck rain out and I had a coughing attack. Enough though to where I wet myself a little. Funny I guess but also very embarrassing. If it wasn't for my wearing black pants to work I would of had to walk out with my purse in the front of me and my oxygen tank laying low on my ass. I didn't think I had to pee but I guess just coughing hard enough anything will happen. I don't think anyone knew what happened because it wasn't like when a little 5 year old wets their pants but it was enough for me to be like "Holy Shit what the hell just happened" Like I said no one knew it happened other than me, but now I'm sharing my lovely secret on this blog so I'm sure Yvonne who says she reads this everyday or what not will give me crap. So "Yes Yvonne I peed my pants at work! Are you happy?" Ha Ha Ha!!!!

So then I'm panicking about getting the hell out of there and not letting anyone see me and I walk as fast as I can to my car (which is like .5MPH) and hop in and the fucking gas light comes on again (it came on this morning I just forgot). So, now I have to get gas with wet pee pee pants and I'm already on the verge of a panic attack. So, I go to the gas station next to work and get out of the car start my pump and look over and there are two white vans trapping me in. One in front of me and one behind me waiting to get gas. For those of you that don't know I have a weird "White van Phobia" So instantly I go into panic mode and freak out. Hands shake and hearts beating up a storm and I'm thinking all the worst possible things that these vans are going too do to me. Weird and Crazy I know, I can admit to this but for some reason I have this phobia and I don't know why. So I did my sign of the cross as I always do hoping that God is going to get me out of this gas station alive. He did of course but everywhere I looked today on the way home there were white vans. Seriously. I counted like 30 of them. It was almost like a Twilight Zone episode. I was being followed or punked or both but they were there. So I rushed home and took a 1/2 Valium and now I can type this too you in a somewhat peaceful mind and know that I am just simply turning crazier by age. Going to have a cocktail and watch some TIVO and try not thinking about peeing my pants or white vans for the rest of the night and take a nice hot bath later on tonight.

Three things I'm happy for:

God for getting me through my episodes.
fresh clean underwear.
knowing I have a issue with all these phobias and fears but now I just need to take the next step and do something about it other than write in here about them.

To Michael

2007-04-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Who would of ever thought looking back to this old picture (we do have older ones but they are in old albums) that we'd make it to our tenth anniversary. I actually remember in Key West our friends had bets on us and called us the "I give them 6 months" couple. Yet here we stand 10 years later still raising our glasses to one another (now it's usually a wine glass). So what have we learned in 10 years of marriage? I can only speak for myself but I've learned...

That you don't always have to be talking while your sitting together. Communication doesn't always have to be verbal. Sometimes just sitting side by side in silence is much more important than rambling on and on about anything just too talk.
That even after 10 years together, I am still a very jealous person. I have gotten better over the years but I be damn if I see a woman giving you a look over or trying to talk to you when I'm not around. So I guess that means honey after 10 years I still find you someone to fight over, which I think is a good thing. Means the spark is still there and it hasn't blown out.
Sex may not come as often as it did in our first few years (I guess we are getting old or at least I feel old most nights) but its still great and as everyone seems to say "Make up sex is still some of the best." LOL!!! I have to admit though we aren't as bad of Raymond and Debra on "Everyone loves Raymond" are we when he says "I only get it on Birthday's and holidays." Ha Ha!!!
We still argue about the same things, death and taxes. Oh and house hold chores, what to watch on TV, laundry, and eat but we have seemed too learn that there are more things too worry about in life than those little things in life.
We still worry about looking good for one another which I think is awesome. Sometimes after so long living with someone you let yourself go and gain weight, wear less make up and/or just don't care anymore about your appearance because "Hey we've been married for so long."
I think we both have become more understanding with one anther. I think we both had a lot of maturing to do in the beginning and focused more on our own needs and now we try to focus on both ours and the family needs. I hate to admit it but I think we have finally grown up .
I still need romance. I didn't think after all these years I would but shit I'm a woman, I still like the little love notes here and there, the flowers that are "just because " and not because you are in "trouble". Little gifts and chick flixs. You name it I still like a little romance just like the next girl.
That we still need our space. We still need to hang with our friends alone and do things with out one another. It's nice to be able to have time away for a minute and then come home and clearly understand why we are still married and not in that "dating scene" anymore. I give anyone who is there now but seems like too much work for me after 11 years of being out of the whole "dating scene".
We've learned over the years that family is valuable and that we try not to take that for granted. We have learned to visit family more often and spend as much time together as a family ourselves doing things because you simply don't know when it will be taken from you.
I've learned that over the past 10 years you have not only become my husband, partner, soul mate but also my best friend and I am so happy that you have hung with me all these years with my health issues, crazy phobias, and temper at times. I love you babe and I am so happy to be your wife.

3 Things I'm happy for today:

being able to spend ten years with my husband.
for him being there for me in SICKNESS and in health
His smile because it really is contagious (when its not a fake one, like posing for a family photo LOL)

Beware of this Charger Fan!!!

2007-03-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

This is Yvonne. She looks very sweet and innocent in this picture but don't let the cute little smile fool you. This girl is crazy. Stay clear of her because she is contagious. She is a killer and she is trying to kill me. If you see her or are near her she will make you laugh and smile uncontrollably and sometimes to where you can't breathe. So honestly she is an evil woman. She is trying to kill me. She knows that I am on oxygen but yet she makes a point every time I see her to make me laugh and have to crank my O2 up higher to breathe. She does have a boyfriend but I think that he has to sleep with one eye open because you just can't trust her and her evil ways. He's even begged to be deployed because he doesn't trust her and her Dr. Evil ways. She tries to kill everyone with her kindness like pet names such as "stinky butt, and poopy head" What kind of a person calls you that? Only an evil one! She will also try and pretend she is an "airhead" so you let your guards down but as soon as you do; WHAM!!!!!!!!!! There goes her loud laugh and she'll get you laughing to. At times she is a good lair too. She will tell this great story about what ever making you get all into it just to later say "Girl I was just fucking with you." So again she's not nice. Oh and if you have a man she will try and take him. Twice she has told my husband she loves him (in front of me) can you believe that? So stay clear of her she is one evil lady. Oh and another thing she's so mean about is she has picked on me for being on oxygen. So she must have a thing about handicaps because how dare her pick on me. I almost forgot something else. She tries to be sweet and give hugs to you but when you pull away she complains that you don't hug her back but little does she know I know that she is trying to pinch my oxygen tubes so I die and then my husband will get my life insurance. She truly is the female version of Dr. Evil. So beware. If you see her, run as fast as you can. Scream for help or yell fire. Just don't get near her because she is very contagious.

Trust me I know because she has become one of my closest friends. So for anyone who may think that this was all true, then you don't know my sense of humor. She truly is one of my closest friends in SD and if I had to leave or get stationed away from SD she would be one friend that I'd miss amongst a bunch more.

3 Things I'm happy for:

Yvonne, because she is a good friend and said she's come to my BBQ tomorrow and bring her deviled eggs.
All my friends that I have met since being here. They all look past my handicaps and I appreciate that.
Spring Break Finally being here.

2007-03-30T12:22:00.001-07:00

Your Life is Better Than 68% of All People

You really have things pretty good - so stop a minute and appreciate how great your life is.
You likely have a cheery outlook, supportive friends, and plenty to keep you happily busy.
You are usually content - and with good reason. You have a lot to be happy about.
So when things don't go well, remember that you have it better than most people!

How Does Your Life Compare?

2007-03-30T12:08:00.000-07:00

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you.By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go.While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side.
When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you
When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourpsychequiz/">What Color Is Your Psyche?

At What point

2007-03-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

At what point do the phobias go away? With phobias I'm talking about my phobias of white vans (can't stand them and HAVE to the sign of the cross every time I'm by one). My phobias of flying, the only way I can is if I'm on Valium and alcohol. My phobia of the dark. Have to have a night light on through out the house. My phobia that if I lose my Ba-Ba's which is just a pillow that I have had forever and a pillow case that my late Grandma gave me something terrible (like death) might happen to me. My phobia that is I don't say my prayers at night or in the morning (what a good catholic girl I am) that something evil will happen.

At what point do my fears go away? My fear of dying is controlling my life ever since the damn doctors told me I had 5 years to live. I've been counting down the days ever since. My fear of being alone, which each day gets worse and I've had 2 panic attacks in the past month. My fear of getting addicted to pain medicine or Valium because the doctors say to them to control my pain and fears. My fear of my husband cheating on me because now he's probably feeling more of a "caregiver" instead of a husband. My fear (valid I think) that anything and everything will happen to Dominic (all moms worry I think). My fear of hurting someones feelings or making them mad so I do what ever it takes to please the world and not me. My fear of not telling the truth about how I REALLY feel to the doctors because I'm sick of doctors and them running test and I'm even more afraid of a transplant all though I know that at this point it is the only cure (which really isn't a cure at all because so much can go wrong with the operation).

At what point do I live the life that I want and not the life that I think people want me to live? I'm so worried about pissing someone off that I bottle everything up inside and in the long run I'm the only one who pays for it. I'm the one who gets the anxiety and stress. When can I just quit caring for others, not write them off but to for once do what think I may need for closure or to gain some sort of sanity back.?

I guess really the answer is never because I honestly can't ever see myself with out the phobias I mentioned, or the fears I have or living a life that might be a bit less drama in it, because I'm never had it. I'm just tired. Tired of living. Not in a suicidal way so don't panic, just tired of being confused about who I am and what life I want or what life I can have if I learned to fix these things.

Emptiness, sometimes that is what I feel and I search all the time for what ever it is I think I need but always come up empty. I just want to know at what point is it that you just simply quit the worrying and start living?

3 things I'm thankful for:

These letters that I have been writing to everyone because I'm starting to find out that I'm a pretty good person and good friend. And that I have great friends, and family members to boot.
My roomba vacuuming for me because I'm to lazy or actually hate to vacuum but know it needs to be done.
4 days until Spring Break.

long time

2007-03-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I've been real busy with training for work and then we had my father in law in town so we were busy entertaining. Well we don't really entertain him, he entertains us. LOL!!! But I always feel rude hanging on the computer when we have company so I just check my emails and log off.

All is well though. I'm feeling pretty good other than my anxiety attack I had last week. It was pretty bad, I thought I collapsed my lung again. I think my fears rushed over me because I was all alone and then I started instantly wondering "How are the paramedics going to get in the house when I'm upstairs and the house are locked up." "Am I dying ect..." You know the usual things you think of when your heart is pounding out of your chest and your lungs are collapsing. But I didn't die as you can see. And I just took my Valium and vicodin and called my dad until Mike was able to get home to help me. Marty was a real trooper. I usually don't go to him when it comes to my disease or ailments because he wears his heart on his sleeve, especially when it comes to him "baby girl", but he was the only one. My mom wasn't answering the phone and I just didn't want to be alone until Mike got there. Long story short I'm ok, just had a anxiety attack that scared the shit out of me and probably my dad as well since he had to deal with it for 45 minutes on the phone.

Other than that life is ok. We had an awesome game night again. About 14 people showed up and it seems like everyone had a great time once again. I got to see Summer finally which has been over due. I mean I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years and we live in the same city. Yvonne/Eric stayed the night because it was late and Eric was in no condition to drive. They had went to another party before ours so they had a great night. Thank goodness that Candy and Derek brought Alex because at one point none of us were able to read the cards anymore. I guess that is a great night if I say so myself.

Then Monday I went to dinner with Yvonne and Julie and it was great. It was nice seeing Julie and hanging out with the ladies. We went to Bully's and it was great food, wine and talking. Tuesday, Dominic , Mike and I went and got Dominic shoes and then we ate at Olive Garden. Again it was a great night of good company and good food. So, I've had a great week so far. Today I even busted out the Pilate's tape and actually exercised. It has been a great day. I especially better knock on wood so it last. I think I need to be pinched maybe because I just feel to damn good. Maybe it's all these pills this new Doctor has me on or something but I am excited to feel good real good.

Until later,
Carmen

Great friends.
Great family
great feeling (health wise) that I have had today.

I've lost 19.8 pounds!!!

2007-03-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I got on the scale today and it read an even number of 135.0. That means that I have lost since Oct 19.8 pounds. I should be jumping up and down about it and trust me I am but I'm just so weak. I still feel that I am 20 pounds heavier because I don't have no muscle. It's partly my fault because what was once my favorite thing to do (exercise believe it or not) I've given it all up because I get so depressed that I am not where I was years ago that I just given up. So I feel bad about just giving it up but I simply can't find the desire to do it. Or the energy to want to do it. I get winded doing the things I really enjoy like bike riding, swim aerobics and weight lifting but I'm going to have to find something to help me get my strength up. I like yoga but I don't feel like I get a real great workout but I guess I am going to start that back up because I have to do something to get this strength back and I'll have to maybe look into pilates as well . So now that I brainstormed that it what I am going to do, which is go find some new yoga cd's and pilates tapes. If anyone knows of some good ones please let me know because I need to get back in shape. I have lost the weight now I need to tone it up.

3 Things I'm happy for:

losing 19 pounds
The nice long days we've been having.
My friend Heidi H. back in CT. because she sent me an email and it was nice hearing from her after so long.

Another Dream cominig true!!!

2007-03-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

So I woke up at around midnight talking out loud to Mike about a soldier standing in the corner of our room. He's getting used to these talks with me when I'm sleeping and just tried to wake me up and tell me I was dreaming and that there wasn't any soldiers in our room. Then at around 1:30 am Mike cell phone goes off. Never good news when you get a call that late.

For anyone that doesn't know what my husband does he is part of the Deep submerge Unit that goes and saves subs if/when they ever go down. He is the medical support part of the unit. Any how he comes rushing into the bedroom saying a sub is down and that he has to leave and doesn't know when he's coming home. A few hours later this was reported.

Navy loses contact temporarily with sub off Florida

POSTED: 12:33 p.m. EDT, March 14, 2007
Story Highlights• Navy sends ships, aircraft to hunt for submarine thought missing off Florida coast• Contact resumes with USS San Juan after communications temporarily lost• Officials say there's no problem with the sub; the Navy is investigating incident

NORFOLK, Virginia (AP) -- The U.S. Navy temporarily lost communication with a submarine off Florida's coast and sent ships and aircraft to search for the USS San Juan before the vessel was contacted early Wednesday, military officials said.
There were no problems with the Los Angeles class sub, based in Groton, Connecticut, and the Navy was investigating the incident, the Naval Submarine Force said in a statement.
Units of the USS Enterprise Carrier Strike Group saw a red flare in the area where the sub was operating off Jacksonville, Florida, on Tuesday night, said spokesman Phil McGuinn.
The Navy immediately started searching and also contacted the International Submarine Escape and Rescue Liaison Office in Norfolk to assist with the efforts.
Family members of those on board also were notified.
"Fortunately, the submarine established communications in the early morning hours ... and indicated that there were no problems; hence, units were able to stand down from the search and rescue that was already well under way," the Navy said in a release.

So you tell me. Was my dream trying to tell me something or what? Mike and I were talking about it and he said it was very weird that once again I dreamt of something and then it came true somewhat. Then joked about if I could just get those lottery numbers in my dreams we'd be set. He gave me a compliment in a way he said "you should play the lottery because you are extremely lucky in everything you do. Out side of your health you have great luck so knowing you, you'd probably win." Then I think to myself, maybe even with my health I am lucky. I almost died the second time I collapsed my lung but didn't. And due to my disease it has caused me to really appreciate the value of a friendship, marriage and family. I think without my disease I would of taking those things for granted somewhat. So to me I can say even with my health I'm still one lucky chick.

3 things I'm happy for:

The submarine being safe after all and not having to have Mike go away to help save the sub and its sailors.
My friend Amy Cave sending me a very sweet letter. Thanks Girlfriend.
myself, because I'm maturing each day and like I said I try not to take things for granted anymore.

Let it go part 2:

2007-03-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have a choice everyday I wake up; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Truthfully this is a challenge I have every morning. Should I throw in the towel and wave my surrender flag to my illness or "man up" and be strong.

Each day is a gift, and as long as I am able to physically get out of bed, I'll try and focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away . Life is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in.. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Sadly no one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but hopefully you will enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on! When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. I am a big believer that there's a purpose to life's events, so sit tight and wait for the leason to be learned.

Three things I'm happy for:

Training days because it means I can sleep in until 7am and don't have to go to work, just training which is closer to home, so it's a less drive and I'm not stuck in the morning traffic.
Dominic being so cute and making me tea this morning before he left for school. That kid is going to be a great husband one day. He really is so caring when he isn't so shy around people.
The scale showing me these 4 numbers this morning 137.8. That's a 17 pound drop since I first saw the doctor from Tibet back in Oct.

Let It Go!!!

2007-03-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

"LET IT GO..!!!!
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, Caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,and I know whatever God means for me to have. He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET THEM GO!!! If someone has angered you ........ LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ..... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed . LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying take your hands off of it;then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right, or Get Left .. think about it, and then .... LET IT GO! The Battle is the Lord's God Bless"

A friend of mine wrote this on her myspace blog and it really hit home for me. For so long I have held on to things that are/were toxic in my life. People that hurt me over and over or things that I knew were bad for me I couldn't let go. To me it was or has always been a challenge for me to try and fix things or make things right, but I'm starting to think that somethings can't be fixed. Some people can't change in ways you want them to. So my challenge for all these years should of been to let things go instead of trying to make things work. I'm a healer or fixer my nature. All (I think) Cancers are. We want to be the mommas for everything and everyone. That's just the way I am. But I can no longer do it. Physically I have to learn to let things go. I need to put my energy into things that matter, like my health and my husband and son. Into my friends (true loyal friends), family members that honestly care and to forget about the things that are broken and that can't be fixed and let them go. I think if I can honestly learn to let things go, I will find true happiness in myself. And if I'm happy then it'll pour out of me and make my life happy and my loved ones happy. I can't make anyone happy unless I'm truly happy myself and the only way to do this is to learn to LET THINGS GO.

This will be a mission that I probably will fail numerous times but I think once I get it down pat I will experience true zen so to say and I will have my "AHHHH" moment that Oprah always talks about. I look forward to this journey of letting things go but I know its going to be a tough job for me but one I know will only make me a better person. So as of now I am going to try my hardest to "Let It Go!"

3 things I'm happy for:

Laura for posting this on her blog. Thanks girl!
Walking outside from work with no jacket on and it feeling warm again.
leftovers because tonight I don't feel like cooking.

Week in a flash:

2007-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

Man where did the week go? One minute its Monday the next it's Friday. I was so busy this week that I barely had time to think, plus I was in a lot of physical pain this week so I pretty much would come home and crash due to my lovely pain meds.

Any how, what's new? How's my life you maybe asking? Well over all everything is pretty much the same give or take. Cleaners came yesterday so it's so nice to come home to a clean house and no dust. I love that lady, she's the best. It really is the best 60.00 I've ever spent.

Mon, and Thur I was in training for work so I got to sleep in until 7am which was awesome. I could of slept in longer if it wasn't for Dominic, but someone has to make sure he's up and off to school. So that was pretty nice, not having to go to work and just do training. The first one was on health and I think it was a waste of my time being that I'm not allowed to even know half the stuff due to the Hepa law. Man, when I was in the hospital and I had to deal with that new law I was so pissed and wanted the nurses, doctors, corpsman anyone just to give out my information. I mean I was so drugged up and really out of my mind and I needed to get my husband off the freaking submarine and no one would help me because legally only I was allowed to give the info and nothing could be done over the phone. Well hello I'm in CA and he's in CT or playing under the sea with the mermaids how else am I going to get the info to him? It really was a pain in the ass. But now working in a school, I think I understand a little bit more and if for some reason my son had to take medication or had an issue I'm not so sure I want just anyone knowing that. It really isn't any ones business other than the people he deals with on a daily basis; such as the nurse, teacher, principal and what not. I'm not sue I'd want some aide that works 3 hours a day (Which is me) knowing all my son business. So I can see why I am not allowed to view that part but why the heck did they send me to the course? Trust me I'm not complaining I just wonder if they truly know what they sign you up for when they sign you up for training. I don't care it was interesting and I had good valid questions but I think I may have been more useful at the school site verses this training. Now the other training was on enrollment, and that was very helpful. Although I'm not the enrollment clerk and she does get paid more than me so I should complain about that but our school is so small we all do each others jobs. That training did help me and once I've done the whole training I should be able to enroll a student if need be. That was a long one and is a 3 part course but it was very helpful.

I also went to see Dr. Alwa my new alternative doctor on Wed. and she said all the parasites I had are gone and my Candina is half way gone. So that I showed drastic improvement in just a week. I still have Candina in my chest and throat area and that is probably why I cough and have chest pain but anything below my boobs is all cleared up. So she was very happy and so was I. She also actually said since I did show such a big change that I could have one serving each of dairy, and fruit added to my diet a day. So I was THRILLED about that. I really missed my fruit. Dr. Alwa would just me prefer eating more protean and veggies and less sugar rather its natural or not. She did increase my pills or one of them she increased and added a new one but I'm been on the new dose and haven't had any bad side effects as of yet. (Knock on wood). She also asked me a series of questions this time ranging from do you think you go to the bathroom normally (enough ) or not, to do you ever experience anxiety or depression or obsessed behaviors. I wasn't sure if I should be honest or not but I decided to be honest and tell her the truth. I mean she is very easy to talk to and she seems to really care. I mean she called me twice last week just to check up on me. I mean what doctor does that? Not any I'm come across so far. So for the first time I admitted to someone other than my blog (you all who read this) and my husband all my fears and obsessive tendencies like praying to live 5 or 6 times a day, fear of dying , panic attacks, worrying when its going to happen and how. Will I hurt anyone if I die outside my house like if I'm driving and what not. All these things I've already expressed to you, you don't need me repeating it. And she sincerely looked at me, and said I can totally understand why you have all this fear and depression, you are dealing with a monster and you are only 33. Then she said "Lets get the Candina under control first and then we will work on all your fears and depression. One thing at a time but the Candina is the most important right now." It felt good to tell a doctor all though I was hesitant at first. I don't want them thinking I'm crazy because I stress about my death all the time. I tell you it's the doctors fault for giving you a time frame. I really wish they wouldn't do that. It sucks because you always have that stuck in your head. ALWAYS!!!!!

So last night I wake up from a dream about turtles. Turtles huh? Yeah I thought the same thing, so I went to my nifty little dream site and looked up the meaning of a dream about turtles and it says this; " Turtle- To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life." I find that funny being that we just had this talk on Wednesday about taking steps to get there (a better (the best I can get) life for me).

I also had a celebrity dream the other day and I'm going to kick myself in the butt for not writing it down because I'm 2 for 2 on those. I told my mom and Michael that for now on I was going to write down these dreams and see if they come true and I had one the other day and I can't think of who or what at this current time. Damn it!!! I know I'm going to hear it on the news and I'm going to be like "I just dreamt that." Oh my 2 for 2 were. 1) I had a dream that Brad Pitt broke up with Jennifer for Angelina while making Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Then like a week later the news aired they did break up. And my second one is a little more twisted and no proof yet but the rumor is out there. I had a dream that Anna Nicole SONS was the father of the baby girl and that he got so screwed up in the head that is why he killed or OD on drugs. Then she felt so sick by her incest that she got depressed and ended up doing the same thing. That is why she was so determined to be buried in the Bahamas and even said "I might as well die now and be buried next to him." I mean she already had her dress picked out and a lot, who does that unless you are already thinking about it? So a few weeks ago I tell my mom that I think her son if the father and explain my reasoning and my mom was like "Oh Carmen that's terrible. Blah Blah Blah," and not 2 days later the news says that there are rumors that her son as well as a few other people are in question for being the babies daddy. See I'm good huh? Man I wish that I could just remember what I dreamt the other day then I'd be set. Right now the only thing coming to mind is a black couple or a black woman but I can't remember who or what. I guess I just need to sleep on it. Yeah that sounds good and maybe then it'll come to me again.

OK this entry has become huge. But I guess if I wait until a week to write in here then that is what happens. OK if my celebrity news comes to me I will write it down this time. Oh one more thing, I found out that I can wear my sons size 18 pants today. LOL!!! Well they are gym pants I don't think I could wear a pair of 18 jeans but he didn't like them because they were "too green" in his eyes so I said well I'm not going to throw them away I'll give them to someone, and then I said hell let me see if my big legs can fit in them and surprisingly they did. And the good news is the length is perfect.

So I have come to the conclusion that 1) I'm not as smart as a 5Th grader (have you seen that show yet) but I did beat all the adults on there. and 2) I am as short or tall depending who you ask as a 5Th grader.

Until later,
Carmen

Three things I'm happy for:

It being Friday.
Feeling good today, not tired and not too winded.
Dreams because they make life more fun.

Happy 11th Birthday Dominic!!!!!

2007-02-25T14:33:00.000-08:00

11 Things I love about D.:

His smile. It's contagious.
His personality, he can make anyone laugh.
His love for cooking, he helps with dinner 2 nights a week.
His tea. He makes me the best hot tea. He knows how I like; even I can't make it like him.
His love for me, he never seems to get embarrassed about me and my O2 or having to use a scooter in the stores.
That he's still young enough to want to lay in bed and watch TV with me and gives kisses and hugs when I ask for them before h goes to bed.
That he's old enough now to carry on a conversation with.
That he keeps his room some what clean.
That he helps with the house chores with out putting up too much of a fight.
That he seems to be liked a lot by his peers.
Mostly that he is my son and I believe he is one of the best kids out there his age.

3 things I'm Happy for today:

My son, Happy Birthday little man. May we have many more together.
Having the house ALL to myself today while Mike and Dominic are at NASCAR.
The weather starting to warm up a bit.

Lordy, Lordy

2007-02-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

Lordy Lordy Look who finally hit the 130's?!?!?!

139.8 to be exact!!! Finally after all these years! I did it!! Go Me!!!

3 Things I'm happy for:

My health even though it's not the best.
My family for always being there for me.
My determination in losing this weight.

New Doctor, New Treatment, New Diet

2007-02-21T16:33:00.001-08:00

So I went to see Dr. Alwa today to go over a new approach to my disease. I gave the doctor from Tibet 4 months and didn't see any improvement other than my weight lose and actually I started feeling more tired so I decided to see a new doc. She also treats with natural herbs and diet but her approach is more from China than Tibet. To me that wouldn't mean much because I thought they were all in the same when it came to Asian medicine but I guess its very different.

Anyhow to make a long story short, i really like her. She's an American and has 2 doctorates I believe she said one in pathology and one in biology. Then she sort of strayed away from traditional medicine and started studying Chinese medicine and herbal therapy. She's really cute probably 4'11 (makes me feel tall LOL) long blonde hair and real easy going.

So with a new plan means new diet and herbs. Luckily these herbs I can swallow (no,chewing rocks anymore). The diet part is much easier than I was one but now I fear that I will start gaining weight back so I will probably still stay away from some of the carbs. So I have to take about 6 different enzyme pills a day and drink a teaspoon of this other stuff right after my meals and go from there. She said she found Candida in my chest and urine, which is like a parasite I guess. This could be a lot of the reason why I cough and have chest (lung) problems. So she is hoping with proper diet and these new pills I will kill the parasites and start feeling better. She doesn't make any promises on curing me of my disease (which she shouldn't because there isn't a cure) but does believe that she can help me have a better quality of life. So I am happy with that. Like I said I will anything 3 good months (4 maybe like I did before) and see if I do feel anything change. If not all I simply have to do is quit and go back to traditional medicine which I still do any way.

So here's my new diet:

NO sugars: all sugars except stevia.
No Fruit or Fruit Juices: because it is loaded in sugar. This is going to be hard because I live on fruit now.
No Veggies high in sugar: such as corn, carrots, yam/sweet potatoes, Beets (yuck wouldn't eat them anyway)
No alcohol: man I'll miss my wine but hey I did all right before so maybe I'll still stick to a glass on Saturday's.
No Yeast,Molds, and Fungi: no baker's yeast (bread), mushrooms (this will be hard, I'll miss my mushrooms), and molds in cheeses.
No Dairy: but eggs are considered a poultry so I can have them. I'm getting used to the no dairy thing already. But this plan I can't have goat milk products like before.

Things that are a little different from before these things I can have:

pork in fact all meats, and seafood and poultry
eggs both whites and yokes
all nuts
beans
peas
rice yes even white rice again. :)
flat breads w/out yeast added (I assume this is pita bread but I'll have to look into that one)
Quality pasta made from semolina or whole Durham? Not to sure what this is
all veggies other than the 4 mentioned up above.
potatoes but not sweet or yam
Did I mention I can't have any FRUIT AT ALL. That Blows!!!!

3 things I'm happy for:

my parents for helping me pay for my medical expenses.
my husband for being supportive in me trying to find relief from this disease.
for a doctor truly trying to help me out, and not just trying to get me in and out quickly.

To you; To me

2007-02-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

To be able to talk to a friend without getting winded
Too laugh so hard you get tears in your eyes or almost pee yourself
To be able to sing
To you this may come so easy but to me these are the things I pray and wish for

To take a shower with out sitting down
To be able to clean a house with out stopping
To walk up a flight of stairs with out having to stop
To go to the grocery store with out using a go cart
To be able to walk more than 15 feet with out getting winded
To be able to go for a walk with a dog
To you these may sound like “No Brainers” but to me these are things I pray and wish for

To exercise
To swim
To walk on a treadmill
To ride a bike
To rollerblade
To run a marathon
To you these may be things you hate to do but to me these are things I pray and wish for

To be able to dance
To enjoy sex with out worrying it may make me too winded
To enjoy the out doors
To go to an amusement park and be able to go on the rides
To you, you may take these for granted but to me these are things I pray and wish for

To be able to stand up longer than 10 minutes with out feeling light headed or winded
To not have a plastic tube coming out of my nose be part of my fashion statement
To not have an umbilical cord (nick name) attached to me and my O2 when I’m at home
To not have to plan my day outside the house around my oxygen tanks
To you these are probably things you never think about
But to me these are things I pray and wish

To be able to breathe again like a normal person
To you this may be so simple but to me it’s not and I pray and wish for it everyday.

3 day weekend

2007-02-12T13:10:00.000-08:00

My 3 day weekend is coming too a close. Man it went too fast but I must say it was nice to do nothing. I actually take that back we did do stuff, but it wasn't cleaning like it normally is on weekends. We actually got to do some of the house work that we really have been wanting too get done but never have had a chance. It really is great that Michael has finally agreed to get help with the house cleaning. We got so much done this weekend it feels great. Plus we have been real good with trying too keep up with the keeping the house in order.

So this weekend we got the floors finally done, the spare bedroom all cleaned up and things hung on the walls, the patio and balcony cleaned up and organized, the laundry done, taught Dominic how to play cribbage and ended it all last time with a great dinner at Seneca and Candace's house. They are our neighbors that sadly we don't see enough of but finally our schedules allowed it and we went over for a great rib dinner and good wine and great conversation.

Today Michael had to work but Dominic and I have it off so we have been doing what we normally do on Sundays' which is relaxing and watching movies. Tonight we are going over to Rachel's because it is our nephew's 17Th birthday. Man, he's growing up so fast.

Speaking of Rachel her cousin Hillary is the one that helped me find my house cleaner. She cleans her house also and she also sees an alternative doctor for herself. She emailed me today after reading my last blog entry and wanted to know if I wanted to see her doctor. Hers is a little bit different than the Tibet doctor and the good news is she gives free consults so I told her I would love to see her doctor. Like I have mentioned in the past at this point in my disease I really have nothing to lose by trying other types of treatments. I'm am determined too find something that helps me. If I can't get on a transplant list yet because Dr. Yung says I'm still too "healthy" (yea right that's a joke healthy) then I will just keep trying other methods and hope that maybe there will be something out there to help me slow the process until I am put on a transplant list. Like I say all the time, I'm not leaving with out a fight and by trying different methods too deal with my disease is my fight then so be it. I'll try.

I'll keep you posted on this other alternative doctor and who knows maybe this will work for me. Going to take a nap then freshen up for my nephews little get together.

Until I can think of something else,
Carmen

3 things I'm happy about:

3 day weekends.
neighbors that invite us over for good food, wine and friendship. Thanks Hall family you are awesome.
Hillary for possibly giving me a chance at slowing down this process in my lungs by giving me her doctors number. Thanks Girl!!!

R.I.P.

2007-02-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

Rest in peace Anne Nicole. I may not have agreed on a lot of things you did in your personal life but you always seemed to make me laugh when I watched your show. My heart goes out too your new baby girl. Hopefully all your pain is gone now.

Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

1: waking up this morning and not feeling so winded. I guess going to church and praying last night helped.

2: My mother in law, she always writes me the nicest letters.

3: The weather being warmer than 50 degrees finally.

Saw the Tibet doctor today

2007-02-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

So I went too see the doctor from Tibet today. He said he can really see the weight loss in me and that my color looks better. I thanked him for the compliments but told him I didn't feel any difference in my breathing. I also told him I was having more headaches and cramps in my joints. He felt my pulse points for a long time and finally told me to stick to the diet but too quit the pills (herbs) for a month and then to call him and tell him how I feel after a month with no herbs. Maybe he thought that I was allergic to one of the plants that are in the herbs and that is why I wasn't feeling any better and/or feeling worse. The diet part he told me I was the most important part of the plan that he has put me on.

So, I'm sort of at a lost as to what my next plan is. I mean I'm still waiting for labs results but once those come in; what's next? I just don't see myself getting any better and so where do I go from there? I guess I can go and talk to Dr. Yung again the transplant doctor but he's just going to tell me that I'm still "to healthy" to get on the list. Maybe he wont who knows but I just seem to keep getting pushed around from doctor to doctor. I wish or hope that they find some other sort of medicine for me to try, but at this point I have tried everything so I'm just sort of stuck here, waiting. That's the hard part. The more I wait the more I think and then the more I think I more I drive myself insane with the what ifs of my so called life. It sucks. This whole disease sucks and it makes life suck.

But I stay positive for the sake of my family and I guess myself but it sure is hard at times. I mean I've been thrown a lot of curve balls and feel like I can only strike out so many times before I get kicked off the team.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen
3 things I am happy for:

Dominic making me tea. He's so good at it.
Afternoons when I don't feel winded
American Idol because it proves that there are worse singers out there than me.

Breaking my New Years Resolution!!!

2007-02-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

Well I have decided to break one of my New Years Resolution. The one where I said I'd write in here everyday and post 3 things I'm happy for. It just started to feel to much like a chore and I started to hate my blog. That's not me I love my blog. So I will post like I used too, when something I feel is important and I should share or when I just need to vent. So sorry I didn't last longer than a month but so far I have kept up with the rest of my resolutions with no problem. When I do post however I will write 3 things I'm happy about. That I wont give up because I feel if I end in a positive note then it'll keep me positive for the rest of the day or night depending on when I write. So stay tuned, I will write soon. I just need a bit of a break from feeling forced too write in here.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego

Three things I'm happy about:

A good movie and a tall glass of wine.
A love song
My new house cleaners. They are great. They did a wonderful job today, although I really didn't want to get up and out of the house so early on a Saturday morning.

House and True Life

2007-01-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been watching these shows on MTV called True Life. Have you ever heard of it? It's a show that sort of sums up certain illness and interviews people with this illness or disorder or what ever the topic is. Sometimes it talks about people who use steroids to get bigger, or who have bulimia or anorexia. Well the other day they had a show on OCD. This really caught my attention because it does effect my family. We believe my mom has OCD but she's not as extreme as these people, she's just a CLEAN FREAK and must have things a certain way. She can't sit still if something is wrong in her eyes and we've lived with it all our life. I think she's getting worse the older she gets but we all just sort of deal with it. I mean who doesn't want a clean house or a meal cooked for them and if someone enjoys or needs to do it then so be it. But the day I see her counting things and obsessing on locked doors and tapping things I will have to admit her to a hospital. Sorry Mom but I can only take so much. Love that you like to clean and cook but will hate the day you can't hug me or hold my hand because you are afraid of where my hand might have been. LOL. Trust me these hands have gone where no man has gone before. Just joking!

Any how back to me. One of the girls in the show has OCD because she obsesses about her mom dying. She had a huge fear of her dying and would do rituals (funny my mom uses that word too) to stay on "God's" good side to keep her mom safe from harm. It got me wondering. Maybe I have OCD. Mike always tells me that I Obsess about me dying and think about it all the time. I do, I've admitted to this in here a few times, OK a lot. I fear I'll die and where I'll die and I constantly have it on my mind. But I always assumed it was anxiety not OCD. I always thought of OCD as clean germ freaks and people who did things 3 or 5 times to get a ritual done. I didn't think obsessing about an event would be considered OCD, but I look back into my psychology books and it does say when one obsess about events enough that it effects there daily life. I must say that my fear of dying has effected some what the way I live. I wont do certain things because they are too dangerous and if forced into it I have a panic attack. I also sort of do some rituals like I make sure I pray before I go to bed and every time I wake up. I do this so that God knows that I really want to stay alive and that I am thankful he gave me each new morning to live. I also make sure that I tell Dominic to say his prayers and that he "prays for his momma" as I say to him. So in a way I guess these are all rituals, so I really think I was misdiagnosed when they told me I had extreme anxiety but really I have OCD. Who knows? They gave me Valium to calm my nerves so I guess either one of them anxiety and/or OCD can be numbed if I took my Valium like I was told to take them.

OK then I watched House. Do you watch that? It's a great show. Well the last one, one of the guys had lung cancer and refused to take any pain meds. He told the doctors that he wanted to die in pain because he had no one that loved him and at least if he died in pain he'd be remember by them. All he wanted was for someone to remember him. Well here we go again, that is all I want. When I die i want people to remember me and not to forget me. THat the whole meaning behind me writing those letters to everyone; so they don't forget me. I don't want Dominic to forget who I am or Mike to not remember the good times we had and not just these last years of me being sick. Here we go, me and my obsessing. I can't help it. I live each day wondering when, where, and how. Then I wonder if: Oh the many statements that start with if.

I've come to the conclusion, I watch too much damn TV. All it does is cause me to think more. Damn BOOB tube!!!

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

prayers, they get me through the day.
emails that are actual letters not just forwards. Thanks Michelle, Amysol, Rachel, Brendan and Hillary for sending me a real email today.
Dominic for not being too old to still want to sleep in my bed when Mike is out to sea. Thank god for that because I've been having nightmares lately and didn't want to sleep alone.

Is it over yet!

2007-01-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

Man I hate Mondays. That alarm goes off and all I want to do is throw it across the room and sleep for another 10 hours. But I can't of course because my sleeping husband is laying next to me. It's enough I wake him every morning with my coughing but now I want to make loud noises by throwing things. So I just pretend I do it an it feels so much better.

Actually I slept through the night which is a first for me in I don't know how long and we even went to bed at a decent hour. So I should be refreshed and ready to go. I was until I got to work and everyone around me is sick and coughing. Oh the joys of working in an office. An elementary school office that is, where every little kids wants to stand close to you while you write thei tardy slip and then proceed to cough or sneeze on me. GERMS !!!!!!! I hate them. Ended my day at work with a sore throat but cme home and took a long nap and woke up a bit better. If they get me sick though I wont be the nice office aide;I will end up being the wicked witch of the East and get them all.

Came home decided to order out again. We really need to stop that. Ordered from the Roadhouse grill I think it was called and had a great salad and a pretty good steak. Dominic ate his chicken sandwich in like 3 bites so that is always good. He's such a picky eater. Watch Mission Impossible 3 and I must say it was a pretty good movie considering Tom Cruise is so weird (just my opinion) I didn't see 1 and 2 so too e able to follow the movie without getting lost is pretty good. Laid in bed watching Prison Break and fell asleep before 24 so life was pretty uneventful. Tomorrow I will watch Hero's and 24 since we Tivo them both.

When my life is dull I consider it good. So my life may be dull at the moment but to me its good, GOOD!!!

Until tomorrow,
Carmen

3 things I'm happy about:

Purell, hopefully that will keep the germs away.
Emergen C, sort of like Airborne hopefully if purell doesn't work that will.
A good salad that makes you full before you eat the heavy stuff.

too much vino

2007-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'll make this short and sweet. Slept until 11am. Woke up a little slow. Had coffee with Jake a friend of Mike's who slept over due to playing games too late. Once he left, I laid down again for a power nap. Woke up got my nails done and now I am here. Not feeling 100% but not hungover either. Just sleepy. So until tomorrow.

Carmen

3 things:

Motrin 800 mgs. today they are my best friend.
Jenny the little Asian lady that gave me the best pedicure massage a woman could ask for.
Going to bed early with my clean sheets and new comforter.

Game night!

2007-01-27T03:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight was so much fun. We had our first monthly game night. 13 people showed up and everyone had a blast. We played Apples to Apples and then Phase 10. I don't think we all have laughed that hard in a long time. Everyone emailed me and told me what a great time they had and can't wait until we do it again. We actually stayed up until 2:30am, way past my bedtime but it was so much fun that none of us wanted to stop. It truly has been one of my best evenings in a long long time.

It's so nice to have such great friends again. It's taken us awhile to find them but we truly have found a great bunch of friends to hang out with. Well it's late very late or early depending on how you look at things. I made coffee for a few that had to drive home so I'm on overdrive now because I too had coffee. I put Baily's in it thinking that it wouldn't keep me up just keep me tipsy but I guess I was wrong with that one. OK I'm going before I fall asleep on the computer.

3 things:

Great wine; try Pinot Evil its a Pinot Nior. It's pretty good.
Great Friends
Great games

Doctor Visit

2007-01-26T21:45:00.000-08:00

So I got to see Dr. Shah my pulmonigist today. It's been a very long time and the first thing he said to me was "Wow you lost a lot of weight, you look great." Then gave me a big hug. He's really a nice doctor. We caught up on our family lives; he asked me about Mike and Dominic and I asked him about his wife and 5 children. He's a very proud daddy and told me his 2 year old is sick and his baby girl is 8 months and is crawling like 100 mph. Dr. Shah always makes the appointments seem so at ease. It's not as soothing as visiting Dr. Lobsong (the doctor from Tibet) because you are still surrounded by florescent lights and paper sheets to sit on. However its his personality that makes it inviting and he's always so positive about everything. So then the magic question comes up. "So, how are you feeling?" I always hate this because if I say I'm fine, he'll say great and send me on my way but I still feel the aches and pains and windiness and if I tell the truth then he'll want to run a bunch of test. So what do I do? I actually tell him the truth because my aches and pains are a little worrisome and so I want to make sure there's nothing more too my Scleroderma than the usual. I tell him about my fingers hurting at the tips especially both my middle fingers, I tell him about my wrist, ankles, knees, and elbows hurting as well. I tell him about my left elbow swelling up and that my chest continues to burn when I cough. He's used to the coughing ordeal because I've been complaining about that for years but he's concerned about my joints aching, something I've not complained about in the past. So as usual he sends me to the lab too get not one or two tubes thingy of blood drawn but 7. He wants too make sure I don't have Lupus, or rheumatoid arthritis . Both I know (pretty sure at least) that I don't have but he wants to cover everything. He also told me too lay off the Mortin and take more Vicodin in fear that I may mess up my Kidney's since in the past my Kidney's have acted up on certain medicines. I find that weird but hey he's the doctor, I just don't want to end up getting addicted to pain meds. since I know I already have a very addictive personality. (Trust me this is why we don't go to the casino as often).

So in general he gave me bottles of Vicodin, Motrin, Valium (my my anxiety attacks I get once in awhile), and my Singular. Told me I tested positive for Carpal Tunnel and to come back in a week for the results regarding the blood work. That about sums it up. Nothing too big and exciting too share with anyone unless my labs come back messed up but I seriously doubt that they will. The only thing he was a bit concerned about and so was I is that if nothing comes back positive then my Scleroderma is to blame which means that now I have to worry about both my external and internal parts. Usually with Scleroderma you get one or the other and rarely both, but since I'm so unique I may be one of those who end up getting both. Now that wouldn't surprise me because when I first got diagnosed with Scleroderma it was because I was getting sores on my hands (fingers) and didn't really have a breathing problem; but as soon as I started complaining about my breathing the sores stopped on my hands. So I'm figuring I'm going to be one of those rare individuals that get both the skin and organ problems. I'm going to think positive though and just wait and see what the labs. have to say.

Oh wait I do need to vent a bit I can't believe I forgot this. So I go to the pharmacy to get my pills and the teller looks at me with my Oxygen and says "You're too young too be supporting on Oxygen." Hello!! Lady!! Do you really think I chose this for myself? I wanted to rip her eyes out; but I didn't instead I say "Yeah, that's what I think too." I give her my best fake smile and try to give her my prescriptions but she doesn't stop there, she then goes "So, what do you have?" I tell her I have an autoimmune disease that has caused severe lung damage, I don't say Scleroderma because usually people look at me like I have two heads when I say that word. I'm trying too be nice but my tank is almost dry, I am in fear I'm going to run out of oxygen trying too get my pills and so I push my prescriptions closer to her before I have an axiety attack. She continues "Well why don't you just get a lung transplant." JUST!!! Man I hate that word at times. So I tell her in another fake smile "I can't JUST go out and get a lung transplant. You have too be on a list, and from there JUST because you get on the list doesn't mean I'll get a lung the next day. and JUST because I get a transplant doesn't mean it's going to be a miracle. People reject the organs at times and it doesn't mean I will live forever. With a transplant you are dealt a whole different set of obstacles that might not be so easy to deal with either." She looks at me like I'm an idiot, tells me her friend got a kidney through a transplant and is doing great. I just smile at her and tell her I'm happy for her friend and explain to her I'm in a hurry and need to get going before my oxygen runs out before I get back to my car. Man I hate people like that. I mean does she really think I want to be on oxygen? That I picked this life for me and my family to live? I JUST want to kill people who say things like that. The longer I live on this O2 the more bitter I become, it seems because people seem to be braver too come up to me and tell me how young I am and how I shouldn't be on oxygen. Well no shit Sherlock. OK I vented and feel much better now. Thanks!!!

Have a great weekend,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

A doctor that makes your visit comfortable.
The book I'm reading "The Nanny Diaries" its an older book but I've never read it and its pretty good so far.
Having an enjoyable lunch with my husband, at Chili's.

dreams are weird...

2007-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

Every have a dream that you see a complete stranger but you could explain every detail about them? I do. In fact I get them a lot. I woke up this morning due to a dream of a stranger. I was younger and for some reason my brother and I lived together. I wasn't married or a mommy. It was just Nik and me. We lived in a condo and even that I could explain in full detail (although I wont because it's too long) but it hasn't been a place I ever been to before. Anyhow, we (Nik, (yes I'm spelling it right he dropped for "c" for some strange reason) and I) we having a get together mostly of all strangers besides Kristina who is Candy's daughter was there and one of her girlfriends. I was still an older sister but must of been closer to age because it appeared that all our friends were in their mid to late 20's were normally I'm 33. (shhhh, don't tell anyone) Anyhow getting back to the story, there was a bunch of people over the house doing various things, like Kristina and her friend were doing homework and Nik wasn't really know where to be found until later in the dream and other friends were hanging out watching TV and or having a few beers. Well one of Nik's friends (who is his actually real life roommate) was showing some people around and they were looking at the pictures we had on the walls. Mostly of Nik and i and some of our parents and what not. Well this big I mean BIG Black guy was looking at my pictures and was going "She's cute but she has some big legs. " And was sort of making a big deal out of my legs. For anyone who reads this and doesn't know I am very self conscious of my legs. I hate them and never were clothes that expose them unless I am tanning or something. So again back to the story the guy was like "Man she's so hot but her legs are gross. Blah Blah Blah" and Nik friend was telling him to stop ragging on me because he was afraid I'd hear and get upset, that I had been through a lot with my health and was a great person. So finally i had heard enough of him talking about my legs in these pictures that I walk out of a room and start yelling at him. I kick everyone out of the house besides Kristina and her friend and the one guy that was at my defense. People were telling me how mad Nik was going to get because I ended the party and I was freaking out telling them that it was my house as well and Nik wouldn't want anyone here that wasn't treating me with respect. so everyone leaves including that big black guy but he was like "I'll be back, you haven't seen the last of me." So then Nik shows up and I tell him the whole story and he agrees and later one we let more people come back but were afraid of this guy. The guy kept circling the house and then later tried to get back in the house. I kept refusing him but he kept telling me he HAD to be here. So I guess it freaked me out enough that I woke up. Anyhow the guys face I recall so vividly and it sort of freaks me out that I can remember him so well. I mean why? Why do people come to you in your dreams? Well good question Carmen. I looked it up in my dream book and it says the following:
Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.
So what the hell is this guy trying to advice me of or what is repressed or hidden? I hate this because now I feel like I should be searching for this black guy and trying to figure out what the hell he needs to tell me. Weird I know. But you don't understand I really believe in my dreams or I believe you dream things to let you know something that you conscious won't tell you when you are awake. OK I know I'm weird but why else would you dream? It's not just for entertainment i don't think.
3 Things I'm happy for:

Target, it's nice to get great deals there and to also have a gift card to use.
my roomba (electronic vacuum)
the warm weather we had today. Feel so good on my hands since my Raynauds is been in overdrive)

Happy Hump Day!

2007-01-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. Work went smoothly. The whole school went on a field trip and so I had the school to myself. Well not exactly; there were others there but I didn't have to stress about things like I normally do. Then after work I went to have lunch with Jenny and Annette. It was really nice seeing them and enjoying a good lunch. It was great having the company of friends with a good lunch. After lunch I went home with a headache which lately seems to be lingering so we decided to order out and we went to one of my favorite restaurants here in Santee which was Mimi's. I just got a salad since I had a heavy lunch. It was a great day of being pampered with having good friends to eat with and then ordering out later so no one has to cook for dinner or do dishes.

I'm a bit concerned about my headaches and getting lightheaded when I'm standing more often but luckily Friday I go to the doctors so I will stress my concerns to him. So all in all it was a great day. Minus the headaches that I've been getting I would say today was one of my better days that I've had in a long time.

3 things I'm happy for:

Great company during lunch.
Mimi's having such good food.
Getting paid today well my SSDI but hey it helps.

IF plus my 3 things...

2007-01-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

IF:
If you could retake one course you took in high school or college, which would it be?

I would pick Spanish. I passed the course but didn't take anything with me. I really wish I would of taken 2 years in college instead of the one I had to take and that I really absorbed it and could be able to understand enough to get by when I deal with Spanish speaking people. I know that I can understand more than I let people think I can understand but I wish I felt comfortable enough to speak it in front of people. My dear friends Amysol and Jordan said that when I drink and get a little liquid courage that I speak fairly good Spanish but I would never have to nerve too do it not drinking. So in my next life I will pay more attention to my Spanish teacher.

3 things I'm happy with:

The sun shining on my face as I drive home. It's been so cold so when the sun is out it feels so great on my face.
the perfectly grill streak that Michael made me for dinner.
Hot bath I took with my full belly.

A Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

2007-01-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

A MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 CUPS OF COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much too handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
"One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

3 things I'm happy about today:

My husbands smile when we walks in the door from work.
Dominic having a good day at school.
my green comfy blanket that keeps me warm when I watch my TV shows.

Lazy Bones

2007-01-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

Well I had every intention to get up and go to church today, but never got there. I was up and planning on going but once I got out of bed I became very dizzy. I think I'm still fighting something and with both the men in my life being sick I don't think it helps. So instead I said a prayer and laid back down. It finally went away (the dizziness) but I decided to just be lazy and do nothing really other than catch up on a few emails and read. I also watched both the games which I enjoyed. I was pretty neutral for both games, didn't really care who one either game but was happy to see the Bears win since Lovie Smith was once a Rams coach. Besides how can you not like a man name Lovie? I know the Saints would of been a great story but they have really already made a great story; from being the worst rated last year to making it all the way to the play offs this year is amazing. I will now cheer for the Bears to win because I do like them better than the Colts. My family all wants the Colts to win but I'm not a big fan of Manning even if we do share the same last name.

I've been having pretty good days for being winter but I think it has a lot to do with my attitude this year. I am really trying to stay positive and not be so negative. It's hard however when I can't do things that seem so easy too most, like walk 150 feet with out getting winded or standing for a long time with out getting light headed, but last year looking back at my entries in my blog seemed to reflect more on my downs and not my ups. So I'm trying as hard as I can to focus on the happier times in my life. I know my husband really wants them to give me a lung transplant but I'm still not 100% up on the whole idea. I mean there is so much that can go wrong with a transplant that I am not quite ready too take that step. The doctors don't think I need it quite yet either but then I think of all the things I could do if I could breathe like a normal person. I really don't know what that would feel like. I mean too not be winded, I can't remember the last time I wasn't winded when I wasn't sitting or sleeping. Sad huh? But hey God only gives you what you can handle, or at least that is what they say.

Oh another thing that I get to have now is a house cleaner. A friend of mine is going to come to my house every other week and do all the big stuff. You know, tubs, toilets, vacuum, mop, dust and Windex. We'll continue to do the lighter stuff but she will do the stuff that really bothers me, that you have to use cleaners with. I'm so excited. Mike has been fighting me on this for a long time but now with him in school he doesn't have a lot of free time and the free time he does have it's to do homework or simply enjoy a quiet few minutes too himself. Plus because I get light headed standing he's been doing most of the cooking so it'll be a great investment to our sanity I think. Everyone here (Mike and Dominic) are huge helps with the cooking and the cleaning but I'd rather spend the time we do have together enjoying each others company and not doing chores. Life to short for me (well maybe even you who knows) to be worrying about cleaning the bath tub, and if this person could use the extra cash then so be it. It's a win win situation for all of us.

So that about sums up the day. Until tomorrow.
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about:

convincing Michael into letting me get a house cleaner
Lazy Sunday afternoons. Nothing can beat those.
Seeing history in the making. With the Colts/Bears going to the Super Bowl this will be the 1st time that 2 African American coaches have played against each other in the Super Bowl.

Saturday and another pound down.

2007-01-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm another pound done. I now weigh 141.00. So I have 4 more pounds to lose too where I am at the high end of a healthy weight for my height. I will be very excited if I can get to that weight. I may actually cry because I haven't weighed 137 since Dominic was in kindergarten. I wont sweat it if I don't get to that weight but I will try hard to get there. I didn't work out at all this week because the whole house is sick. I think it's this freaking cold dry air that we've been having forever. Man, it really is cold. I know it's colder than normal because even the locals are complaining. I didn't remember it being this cold last year and I must be correct because the locals keep complaining about it never being this cold in all their years here. I never thought I'd see weather in the low 30's living in San Diego but I guess I was wrong because that's what it's been all week in the early mornings these past few weeks.

I went wine tasting today with some friends and had a great time. It was really nice to get out of the house and hang with female friends and not worry about house hold chores, dinner, or actually anything. None of us had to be home at a certain time so we took our time and enjoyed each stop. We had a nice late lunch and finished the evening with a Starbucks. It truly was a great relaxing time. Towards the end it got to be extremely cold so once the sun went down we all decided to call it quits and head home. I really had a great time. I hope we can all do it again one day.

Well that's about it. I'm going to have to call it a night. I am tired and I have a lot to do tomorrow since I took today off with my household chores.

Until later,
Carmen

My 3 happy times:

Spending time with my girlfriends.
Not having to do laundry, dusting, or dishes all day.
Coming home and Michael telling me that Dominic really missed me. Said he kept asking "When is mom coming home, is she sleeping the night out? Are going to eat without her." Aww, he never misses me. I guess the lad really does love his momma.

To Realize

2007-01-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

3 things I'm thankful for:

It being Friday. TGIF
The week finally being over.
enjoying a relaxing night at home with my boys and dog.

Dah!!!! I know I don't get enough sleep

2007-01-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

http://www.blogthings.com/doyougetenoughsleepquiz/">Do You Get Enough Sleep?

3 things I'm happy for today:
1. Dominic's turn too cook dinner.
2. Gridiron gang, it was a pretty darn good movie. It even made me shed a tear or two.
3. my warm house. Damn it's been pretty cold these days in Southern Cali.

So I read this line in the book I"m reading:

2007-01-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

"Everybody got one of them, you know. That's the person that you know you ought to be with, but circumstances play out a certain way and you get sidetracked and wind up settling" Big Stone Gap, by Adriana Trigiani.

This statement stayed in my head all night after I read it and all through the night where I couldn't sleep because I was wondering. Wondering if there is some truth to this statement and if so am I or Michael settling? Are my parents settling? Are you settling? I've heard this statement before, maybe not in those exact words but close enough to make you go hummmmm!!!!

I think back to all my boyfriends or at least the ones that I had that I was legal marriage age and I can't think of anyone I would of been better off married too. I mean Michael and I haven't had the picture perfect marriage or courtship but what couple has? Do they even exist? But even with that said I can't think of someone who would of been better for me and stood by me during my time of illness as he has.

Now him on the other hand maybe he did settle. I often tell him this that he's probably not all that happy with how his life has turned out, sick wife and probably one day being a single dad but I wonder who was his one that got away. So many names come to mind. Girls that I've come across that he wrote these passionate love letters too when he was younger that I'm still waiting for my letter. Girls that may have more in common with the sailing, Nascar,music, and other interest that I really could care less about like his choice in readings but then again he doesn't like the books I read either. Man putting this on paper I am starting to really think that maybe he did settle. He probably at one point wanted to leave but then I got sick and he now feels like he can't leave because he'd look bad leaving a sick person. Or maybe Dominic keeps him here, who knows but I wonder. I sure do wonder if he settled for me and let the right one get away.

Three things I'm happy for today:

Michael for settling for me, if that is what he did?
American Idol, because it makes me happy to know that I am not the only person out there that can't sing but think I can.
Big Stone Gap this book I'm reading. It started off slow but it's getting pretty good.

3 things and an If

2007-01-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

3 things I'm happy about today:

Having the day off.
Reflecting on what Martin Luther King Day stands for and if he was alive would be be happy with what the world looks like now. Today a good day for reflection.
Going to bed early.

If:

If you were to pick the one child you know who you would predict to be the most successful in life, who would it be? This is a hard one, although you would think that I'd pick my own son. I sadly don't think that he has the drive to become the "most" successful. Lord hopefully he'll prove me wrong but looking at him now I don't see him doing more than what is asked of him. So, I think I would have to pick Stevie or Alex and I'm thinking more Stevie only because I think men have a better change at becoming successful because a lot of today's society still looks down at women. I think either one of these kids have the drive, smarts, skills and determination to do what ever it is to succeed and if they continue the path that they are going on now I don't see either of them having any trouble being successful adults.

2 nights of drinking!

2007-01-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Well we had some friends over for the game on Saturday and we drank. Then today we went over to Rachel's to watch the Charger/Patriots game and drink some more. I guess I'm getting old because I just can't do it anymore. I was asleep by 7:30. I wasn't feeling well either. I think the 2 days just puts my under. I started getting a sore throat right after we left her house and achy by the time we got home. But oh well shit happens. It was nice watching the game with them especially since we didn't want the Chargers to win and they all did. I'm so glad they lost (not really I could care less) but there fans are obnoxious. I guess living in any home town their fans are going to be crazy but we've never lived in the same city as a team. So we really see it here. I mean Miami Dolphins was still 3 hours from Key West and the Jets/Giants/Patriots were at least 2 hours. So we never really had them so close. I look forward to rubbing it in a bit at work and/or having them all finally being quiet there. I probably wont happen but at least it'll be wishful thinking.

Rachel made some good potato soup. I wish I had some more. Maybe I'll ask her for her recipe. OK I need to get ready for 24. Can't miss that.

Until later,
Carmen

This things I'm happy for:

Chargers losing
Rachel's soup
seeing the 5 B's after so long.

Another week down!

2007-01-13T10:02:00.000-08:00

Another week down on this new change of life and I must say I feel so much better on this diet than I do off. All the bloating and chest feeling congested is gone. Don't get me wrong I still have my aches and pains due to my Scleroderma but it's nothing that I was feeling when I was in Key West and the week after we got home. That all could relate to the alcohol I was consuming but I am starting to believe that this diet/herb thing really is a big help to me. I actually even worked out 3 times this week. Go me!!! My works out aren't nothing what a normal person does but hey its something and at least I had the energy to do that. So my new weight is 142.0 which means I've lost 12.8 pounds since on this diet. 5 more pounds and I will be within my ideal weight for my height so that is my goal and anything after that will be considered a bonus. So I'm pretty happy about the weight loss and the fact that I'm starting to feel a little bit better with my body image. I wished that this new lifestyle of mine would help me breath better but hey at least if I have too one day get a transplant, I was told you have too be within 20% of your ideal weight so I will at least be there with the weight thing.

Last night I watched Transamerica, and I must say it was a STRANGE movie. It got a lot of hype during the Oscars last year so I got it on Netflix. Ummm, if you haven't seen it I don't think you really need to get it. I found it sort of sad and way out there. I mean way out there. It has nothing too do with the whole gay thing either because I am not phobic by any means, I even own Brokeback Mountain but this movie just was well I guess different and sad. I mean with the sex change and all. That actually wasn't even the part that bothered me, it was more the whole son having sex with men for money and drugs. It was sad that he had to do that too survive. I don't know I just thought he needed a lot of support and counseling. Poor kid. I know there are kids like that in the world I just feel so bad for them.

Ok enough, I'm not going to have a movie ruin my good day. It was just a movie Carmen. Stop It!!! Ok I have to run and fold laundry AGAIN. Man I hate laundry. It's never ending.

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm happy for:

being 12.8 pounds lighter.
sleeping in even.
the cup of coffee had this morning, it's got me wired enough to fold the mountain of laundry I need to fold.