The good Patient that I am

Being the good patient that I am, I went to get my echo cardiogram done today. I haven't got one since last year around this time and since I collasped my lung around a year ago Oct. I (and Doctors) just want to wean out the idea that I may have hypertension (over active heart). In the past everything has always come back normal but like I said most of these test were done before my long hospital stay, so its better to redo the test just to make sure.

The lady who did the echo gave a little more signs than normal and gave faces at the screen at times; like she was frowning at something but of course she never said anything like "Oh my God your heart is exploding!" It hurts more now getting them done also. I have had them done in the past, years ago and never felt pain or discomfort but this time and the last I've walked out of there with a sore left boob and my rib cage all around that area is sore because they jam that camera thingy so far up your rib cage that its hard to breath. "Hello lady, don't you see I already wear Oxygen and have trouble breathing?" Getting something jammed into your boob or rib doesn't help. But I try to do my yoga breathing for the hour they do it and just pray that everything comes back normal AGAIN.

I guess if it was too bad they would tell me before I left right? I mean they wouldn't let me walk out of there if I was a walking heart attack would they? No I have more faith in the medical field that they would call me right away and not let me leave if anything was too bad. But I can't help as I leave the office today recalling those terrible words that Dr. Yung said to me (us, husband included). "If you have hypertension, your condition is much much worse and most patients die with in 6 months to a year." I try, try to not think about that but really its hard not to hear that sentence over and over as they lady did her sighs and frowns and jammed the probe into my chest. What if I have that? Will that Dr. from Tibet even be able to help me? I wish my appointment was tomorrow instead of next Friday but I know I can wait, I just can't seem to get those fears out of my head. Waiting really fucking sucks. There should be an easier way for people to get results faster and not have to go through the anxiety of the unknown. Don't these people read my records that are stamped all over them "Sever Anxiety" I mean I even have a prescription for Valium for when ever I feel a panic attack coming on. Sadly I'm to stubborn and proubly should take them a lot more than I should. but in "fear" (here we go again) of getting addicted to them and having to go to Oprah or Dr. Phil to help me kick my addiction, I stay clear of them on most occasions. I probably should have taken one or a half of one before I even went in there so I wouldn't of been worried everytime the lady made a noise. Shit I probably should take one now being that I freaking out while I type this. But I wont instead I go through my stages of "What Ifs" and get a head ache from all the stress, shed a tear or two worrying and them fall asleep. Story of my life.

Pretty ironic that I was taking St. John's Wort and never had any anxiety or a panic attack while on them, actually I felt pretty darm good; mellow and focused, enjoying life and not worrying about the unknown. But Dr. Shah nipped that in the butt because he said it was proven in some study that St. John's Wort was interferring in how allergy medicine were released into the body. Man I love the guy but I just don't get it. Quit taking a natural herb because it messes with your zertec and singular but here take these Valiums instead. "Hello, doesn't that effect anything? Like my ability to drive a car or to function at work?" Guess not. (Yeah right)

So I'll count my days until I go see the doctor from Tibet and hopefully he'll be able to help me with everything. My lungs, allergies, acid reflux and my anxiety (oh and my weight gain from all the side effects from these meds) . Or maybe he'll tell me I'm a helpless mess and to throw in the towel. Hope not but I guess we'll all have to stay tuned wont we....

Carmen San Diego