The bad thing about a terminal illness:
I'm starting too see the cycles I get of this rut I get in. I feel great for a few days, then I start to feel a little winded, then I start to get depressed because I'm not sure if this is it. Will this be the last time to do what ever it is I may be thinking about? Such as last Christmas, last time to go to a school function, last time I'll toast in the new year, when company leaves will it be the last time I see them and so forth? You get the picture?
I'm starting too think it's the doctors fault. I think if you have a terminal illness such as myself they shouldn't tell the people. I mean we are all going too die. It's part of living. That's life. You live and you die. Births and deaths happen every mintue of each day. Anyhow, when doctors tell you that you have weeks, months, or years to live people start to fixate on it. I mean I do. The first doctor (Dr. Keltner) I went too with my Pulmonary Fibrosis told me I had 3-5 years to live. Then when I say Dr. Noble at Yale he told me since I had Scleroderma w/Pulmonary Fibrosis my odds were a bit better and I could probably live 7-10 years depending one how fast my lungs scarred up. Then Dr. Yung told me if I ended up getting hypertension then most people die with in 6 months being diagnoised. Then I'll go and see Dr. Shah and he'll tell me " Hey stick too the 10 year plan or don't worry about it at all. We are all going to die." Well its easy for him too say because he's never had anyone tell him he was going to die and give him a time frame.
Some of the doctors I've beat their odds but I still have that in my head always. One year down 7 years to go or what not. I'm sure anyone who's been told that has that locked in their head at all times. So the times I get this depressed feeling, I worry about my time left. Do I really have 10 years (5 now since I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago) or is it less or can I beat all odds and be around longer. Who the fuck knows. I wish I did know so then I wouldn't be so afraid and worried all the time too please everyone because I don't want anyone mad at me if I die or I want too make sure I see everyone because I don't want too feel like I didn't spend enough time with them. I mean this is crazy I know, but these are the things that pop in my head at night when I can't sleep. I wish when I'm having these moments and I'm praying to God for another day he'd go "Look Carmen, you are going to die 2013 in Nov. and you'll die in your sleep at home, with your loved ones there.' It be so much easier if he could do that. I mean the doctors have me so freaked out about when my time is up that I not only worry about when but I worry about how and where. I mean I don't want to die at work or in a car where I could hurt someone. I don't want to die in a hospital either. I simply want to die in my sleep in my bed. Is that asking for too much? These doctors and websites that give you information on diseases have me so screwed up in the head that I'm a nervous wreck. I'm a complete wreck, and I fear that I will die and the peope that have entered my life won't know how much they mean to me. Or how much they have effected my life. Maybe its something serious like you are my husband or mom or something as simple as someone I met through blogging. People enter your life for a reason I strongly believe that. Good or bad, they entered your life for some reason. So too make sure that each person I know, knows how much they mean too me I'm going too write you all a personal letter. I'm starting with my emails, then my blog, then myspace, lastly my old fashion address book but that's only because most everyone is on one of the other things. So bare with me. It's going to take sometime. I plan on doing a letter a day. I guess it'll be another new years resolution. Besides God is going to have too give me more time on this earth so I can get all these letters out. Each of you will get one from me I promise. Can't promise when but you'll get it. Only death can keep me from not getting it to you and like I said I don't plan on going anytime soon.
Until later,
Carmen San Diego
I'm starting too think it's the doctors fault. I think if you have a terminal illness such as myself they shouldn't tell the people. I mean we are all going too die. It's part of living. That's life. You live and you die. Births and deaths happen every mintue of each day. Anyhow, when doctors tell you that you have weeks, months, or years to live people start to fixate on it. I mean I do. The first doctor (Dr. Keltner) I went too with my Pulmonary Fibrosis told me I had 3-5 years to live. Then when I say Dr. Noble at Yale he told me since I had Scleroderma w/Pulmonary Fibrosis my odds were a bit better and I could probably live 7-10 years depending one how fast my lungs scarred up. Then Dr. Yung told me if I ended up getting hypertension then most people die with in 6 months being diagnoised. Then I'll go and see Dr. Shah and he'll tell me " Hey stick too the 10 year plan or don't worry about it at all. We are all going to die." Well its easy for him too say because he's never had anyone tell him he was going to die and give him a time frame.
Some of the doctors I've beat their odds but I still have that in my head always. One year down 7 years to go or what not. I'm sure anyone who's been told that has that locked in their head at all times. So the times I get this depressed feeling, I worry about my time left. Do I really have 10 years (5 now since I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago) or is it less or can I beat all odds and be around longer. Who the fuck knows. I wish I did know so then I wouldn't be so afraid and worried all the time too please everyone because I don't want anyone mad at me if I die or I want too make sure I see everyone because I don't want too feel like I didn't spend enough time with them. I mean this is crazy I know, but these are the things that pop in my head at night when I can't sleep. I wish when I'm having these moments and I'm praying to God for another day he'd go "Look Carmen, you are going to die 2013 in Nov. and you'll die in your sleep at home, with your loved ones there.' It be so much easier if he could do that. I mean the doctors have me so freaked out about when my time is up that I not only worry about when but I worry about how and where. I mean I don't want to die at work or in a car where I could hurt someone. I don't want to die in a hospital either. I simply want to die in my sleep in my bed. Is that asking for too much? These doctors and websites that give you information on diseases have me so screwed up in the head that I'm a nervous wreck. I'm a complete wreck, and I fear that I will die and the peope that have entered my life won't know how much they mean to me. Or how much they have effected my life. Maybe its something serious like you are my husband or mom or something as simple as someone I met through blogging. People enter your life for a reason I strongly believe that. Good or bad, they entered your life for some reason. So too make sure that each person I know, knows how much they mean too me I'm going too write you all a personal letter. I'm starting with my emails, then my blog, then myspace, lastly my old fashion address book but that's only because most everyone is on one of the other things. So bare with me. It's going to take sometime. I plan on doing a letter a day. I guess it'll be another new years resolution. Besides God is going to have too give me more time on this earth so I can get all these letters out. Each of you will get one from me I promise. Can't promise when but you'll get it. Only death can keep me from not getting it to you and like I said I don't plan on going anytime soon.
Until later,
Carmen San Diego
3 things I'm happy about tody:
- deciding to write everyone a letter of why I'm glad thy came into my life.
- my hubby callingme at work just because.
- Yvonne making me laugh when all day I really wanted too scream and cry because I was up all night worrying.
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 1:00 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:11 PM,
Laura said…
Carmen,
That does suck that the doctors give you a time frame, but they're all different! And the whole cliche of "live each day as if it were your last" - uh, no. If everybody did that, we'd all spend every moment of "the last day" calling all the family and friends one last time. And then when you wake up the next day and realize you're out of coffee...;) Anyway, I'm glad you've got a plan, and I hope you have 25+ years to get those letters out!
At 5:59 PM,
Granny said…
If doctors knew all the answers, they wouldn't be all over the map with their time frames, would they.
Take care of yourself each day. Not necessarily because it may be your last; that's true for all of us but because it's another day to enjoy for what it is.
The future will take care of it self.
Hugs.
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