1/26/06
Thursday, January 26, 2006
You ever have one of those days where you just feel like crawling under a rock and disappearing? Well that has been my whole time in San Diego. I love it out here and I have a job that I really enjoy (minus the hours) so why do I complain you may ask? I ask myself the same question. I guess its because when ever I try to do good or make something/someone better it back fires on me. Like people really take what I say and dissect it until the whole meaning of what I meant is all screwed up and then I have to back track my steps to figure out where I went wrong. I never knew my voice was so powerful until I moved to San Diego. But my voice has done me nothing but negative since I been here. I really am starting to think that San Diego is cursed or maybe it me. God's testing my strengths in him or something. I look back at our short stay so far here in SD and more negative has happened than positive. Lets recap, Mike has to go back to CT for 2 months, and has to leave D and I here alone with no friends and new surroundings. Granted it not his fault but it still happened. Then I collaspe my lung not once but twice. Again no one to blame I guess but myself. So then I'm out of work and try to get unemployment or what ever it was I tried to claim and then CA. denies me saying I haven't lived in the state long enough. Well that's not my fault either. I didn't plan on collasping a lung the first two months I've been here. Then I said some thing in my blog about someone which granted it totally was my fault and I should of just went to that person face to face instead of venting in my blog. Now my relationship with that person is slim to none. Then I start a new job and my boss goes into the hospital and is still there. Maybe I am cursed or the city is or the combo of two. Then I try to help someone else and again it back fires on me and causes another night of lack of sleep because I worry what will happen next. It just seems like I can't win at anything. I'm done... I can't emotionally take the stress of others and I'm done trying to help people. Maybe I did get the wrong degree. I should of majored in business or something because psychology makes you want to help people and that is what I like to do but instead it back fires on me. I'm cursed I tell you. I'm cursed. I just want to go back 9 years ago when I was happy, healthy and had no worries other than should we eat dinner on the patio or inside. Or even back to CT. where I could be me and no one cared, they loved me for me. I'm just so sad and wish I could end it. Not my life because that's the easy way but just SD. I can't wait until these years are up and we can move again. This place is cursed or again is it me? It's almost like what came first the chicken or the egg? If I didn't have to work this mornign I would of went back to bed and hopefully not wake up until tomorrow, when I can start a fresh new day, because this day looks like its doomed already.
posted by carmen @ 7:53 AM
You ever have one of those days where you just feel like crawling under a rock and disappearing? Well that has been my whole time in San Diego. I love it out here and I have a job that I really enjoy (minus the hours) so why do I complain you may ask? I ask myself the same question. I guess its because when ever I try to do good or make something/someone better it back fires on me. Like people really take what I say and dissect it until the whole meaning of what I meant is all screwed up and then I have to back track my steps to figure out where I went wrong. I never knew my voice was so powerful until I moved to San Diego. But my voice has done me nothing but negative since I been here. I really am starting to think that San Diego is cursed or maybe it me. God's testing my strengths in him or something. I look back at our short stay so far here in SD and more negative has happened than positive. Lets recap, Mike has to go back to CT for 2 months, and has to leave D and I here alone with no friends and new surroundings. Granted it not his fault but it still happened. Then I collaspe my lung not once but twice. Again no one to blame I guess but myself. So then I'm out of work and try to get unemployment or what ever it was I tried to claim and then CA. denies me saying I haven't lived in the state long enough. Well that's not my fault either. I didn't plan on collasping a lung the first two months I've been here. Then I said some thing in my blog about someone which granted it totally was my fault and I should of just went to that person face to face instead of venting in my blog. Now my relationship with that person is slim to none. Then I start a new job and my boss goes into the hospital and is still there. Maybe I am cursed or the city is or the combo of two. Then I try to help someone else and again it back fires on me and causes another night of lack of sleep because I worry what will happen next. It just seems like I can't win at anything. I'm done... I can't emotionally take the stress of others and I'm done trying to help people. Maybe I did get the wrong degree. I should of majored in business or something because psychology makes you want to help people and that is what I like to do but instead it back fires on me. I'm cursed I tell you. I'm cursed. I just want to go back 9 years ago when I was happy, healthy and had no worries other than should we eat dinner on the patio or inside. Or even back to CT. where I could be me and no one cared, they loved me for me. I'm just so sad and wish I could end it. Not my life because that's the easy way but just SD. I can't wait until these years are up and we can move again. This place is cursed or again is it me? It's almost like what came first the chicken or the egg? If I didn't have to work this mornign I would of went back to bed and hopefully not wake up until tomorrow, when I can start a fresh new day, because this day looks like its doomed already.
posted by carmen @ 7:53 AM
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 12:49 PM
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