My feelings are hurt!
So in the past two weeks I've had 2 close friends that are or went through tough times not come to me because I'm sick. I am really sad by this because I feel like I can't be a true friend if people feel they can't come to me. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that they look at me and my situation so seriously but time and time again I've told them and everyone else that I do not want to be defined as my illness yet they don't feel comfortable letting me be a friend to them.
It probably wouldn't hurt so bad but truthfully this has happened to me twice in two weeks. Last week I finally got a hold of a high school friend and asked her if she was mad at me because she was ignoring me and she told me "no, I've just been going through a lot and didn't want to bug you because of all that you are going through." Then today I got an email from another friend pretty much telling me the same thing."I know you are going through so much with the transplant stuff that my problems don't compare." It actually almost makes me mad because they aren't letting me be the friend I know I am. Like they are walking on egg shells around me because I'm sick. Who cares if I'm sick or if I die, I still want to be a friend to the people who support me in my life. I vented to Mike about it, asking him if I come off stand offish and he said he didn't think I did but that he can see their side as much as my side wanting to be there for them even if I'm sick or not.
So if anyone else is holding out on coming to me for advice, to vent or just to chat in fear of you may upset me or bug me let me get one thing straight. I can only speak for myself, but I think a lot of people think this way who are living with a terminal illness. It's a lot easier to deal with someone else's problems than it is your own. Even if you aren't struggling with an illness it still is a lot easier to not think of your problems for a bit and help others; be a friend. I sit all day long dealing with my disease and wondering if and when I'll get on the list for a transplant, wondering if I'll need to take vicodin to get through the pain from my joints, wondering if I'll be more winded today than yesterday and wondering if I'll ever be "normal" again. These thoughts are what keep me up at night and what stress me through out the whole day. So when someone comes to me to vent, or to talk, cry on my shoulder or anything, I don't look at it as "Shit, I can't even believe they are coming to me with their little problems." I look at it as "Thank the Lord they are coming to me", because for that moment I feel normal and my head is not loaded with all the crap I fill it with when I'm sitting alone.
I've said this time and time again; I don't want to be define by my illness and when people feel they can't come to me because of it, it causes me to be defined by it. So please don't alienated me let me be your friend I have always been and don't be afraid to come to me. That is the last thing I want. HONESTLY!!!
3 things I'm happy about today :
It probably wouldn't hurt so bad but truthfully this has happened to me twice in two weeks. Last week I finally got a hold of a high school friend and asked her if she was mad at me because she was ignoring me and she told me "no, I've just been going through a lot and didn't want to bug you because of all that you are going through." Then today I got an email from another friend pretty much telling me the same thing."I know you are going through so much with the transplant stuff that my problems don't compare." It actually almost makes me mad because they aren't letting me be the friend I know I am. Like they are walking on egg shells around me because I'm sick. Who cares if I'm sick or if I die, I still want to be a friend to the people who support me in my life. I vented to Mike about it, asking him if I come off stand offish and he said he didn't think I did but that he can see their side as much as my side wanting to be there for them even if I'm sick or not.
So if anyone else is holding out on coming to me for advice, to vent or just to chat in fear of you may upset me or bug me let me get one thing straight. I can only speak for myself, but I think a lot of people think this way who are living with a terminal illness. It's a lot easier to deal with someone else's problems than it is your own. Even if you aren't struggling with an illness it still is a lot easier to not think of your problems for a bit and help others; be a friend. I sit all day long dealing with my disease and wondering if and when I'll get on the list for a transplant, wondering if I'll need to take vicodin to get through the pain from my joints, wondering if I'll be more winded today than yesterday and wondering if I'll ever be "normal" again. These thoughts are what keep me up at night and what stress me through out the whole day. So when someone comes to me to vent, or to talk, cry on my shoulder or anything, I don't look at it as "Shit, I can't even believe they are coming to me with their little problems." I look at it as "Thank the Lord they are coming to me", because for that moment I feel normal and my head is not loaded with all the crap I fill it with when I'm sitting alone.
I've said this time and time again; I don't want to be define by my illness and when people feel they can't come to me because of it, it causes me to be defined by it. So please don't alienated me let me be your friend I have always been and don't be afraid to come to me. That is the last thing I want. HONESTLY!!!
3 things I'm happy about today :
- My 2 friends who have not come to me because they worry too much about my well being. I wont give your names out but you know who you are. Thank you for worrying about me and my life but please let me live me life to the fullest until my time is up. With out you coming to me and being a friend to you is not letting me live to the fullest so stop. I WANT to be here for you. I'd tell you to leave me alone if I really felt you coming to me was causing me more stress or issues.
- God for giving me another day on this earth. I may be fighting a cold or something but hey I'm alive and can't ask for much more.
- AC because it's been hotter than heck these past days here in Santee.
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 6:43 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
I couldn't agree with you more. It is nice to be able to help other people even in the mist of our own trials. I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think there are just certain people in the world that won't see it that way, or don't want to be a burden, when actually in our eyes they are a bit of the solution or medicine.
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