It's these times
Its days like when my husband says he doesn’t have faith, and that is why it is so hard for him to be religious and wants to go to church that makes me wonder if I should feel the same. I mean if there really was a God would he put me through so much each day and have my friends and family suffer with me? Would he have war and world hunger and would he have others suffer in ways that I can’t even imagine?
It’s days like last night that I can’t sleep and wonder am I not sleeping because maybe if I fall asleep it will be my last night? Or is it just these thoughts that keep me up all night?
It’s days like today that I force myself to get up early so I can start getting my body ready for when I have to go back to work and I can’t seem to do it. It took me one hour and a half (with out taking a shower) to leave the bathroom, because I am coughing, gasping for air and blowing my nose for so long I just simply can’t get ready and I wonder “Am I going to be able to do this in a few weeks, get up every morning at 5:15am and make it to work on time, or should I call Mary now and tell her I can’t do it any longer?”
It’s mornings like today that I wonder if I am going to be strong enough both physically and mentally to handle a transplant; better yet get on the list or have we (me and the doctors) waited too long and my time is up?
It’s days like today when I know that it is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for myself today because I have all these thoughts in my head and wonder what can I do to get these thoughts out of my head. It’s easy to just say “Don’t think about them, think of the positive but it’s hard and I’m not sure anyone who is living with a terminal disease is always positive.” I wonder if I should seek professional help but fear they may put me on an anti-depressant and the medication will cause weight gain and since I lost all this weight to get on the transplant list I don’t want to jeopardize gaining any weight and them telling me that is a reason for me not to be a good candidate.
It’s times like today that I feel like just crawling back in bed and starting over but know the best thing for me to do is to just get the day over with and start over tomorrow. That my days like today usually don’t last longer than a day and that tomorrow I will be back to my chipper self, I just need to let myself feel this way and go along with the process and get over it like I always do.
3 things I am happy for today:
1- Finally getting out of the bathroom and catching my breath.
2- A journal because writing in here really does make me feel better than bottling it up inside.
3- The power of prayer because I know that God hears me when I’m weak like today and will get me through this day and all the rest. He has a plan for me as he does everyone and I don’t think my story is done quite yet.
It’s days like last night that I can’t sleep and wonder am I not sleeping because maybe if I fall asleep it will be my last night? Or is it just these thoughts that keep me up all night?
It’s days like today that I force myself to get up early so I can start getting my body ready for when I have to go back to work and I can’t seem to do it. It took me one hour and a half (with out taking a shower) to leave the bathroom, because I am coughing, gasping for air and blowing my nose for so long I just simply can’t get ready and I wonder “Am I going to be able to do this in a few weeks, get up every morning at 5:15am and make it to work on time, or should I call Mary now and tell her I can’t do it any longer?”
It’s mornings like today that I wonder if I am going to be strong enough both physically and mentally to handle a transplant; better yet get on the list or have we (me and the doctors) waited too long and my time is up?
It’s days like today when I know that it is going to be an emotional rollercoaster for myself today because I have all these thoughts in my head and wonder what can I do to get these thoughts out of my head. It’s easy to just say “Don’t think about them, think of the positive but it’s hard and I’m not sure anyone who is living with a terminal disease is always positive.” I wonder if I should seek professional help but fear they may put me on an anti-depressant and the medication will cause weight gain and since I lost all this weight to get on the transplant list I don’t want to jeopardize gaining any weight and them telling me that is a reason for me not to be a good candidate.
It’s times like today that I feel like just crawling back in bed and starting over but know the best thing for me to do is to just get the day over with and start over tomorrow. That my days like today usually don’t last longer than a day and that tomorrow I will be back to my chipper self, I just need to let myself feel this way and go along with the process and get over it like I always do.
3 things I am happy for today:
1- Finally getting out of the bathroom and catching my breath.
2- A journal because writing in here really does make me feel better than bottling it up inside.
3- The power of prayer because I know that God hears me when I’m weak like today and will get me through this day and all the rest. He has a plan for me as he does everyone and I don’t think my story is done quite yet.
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 9:18 AM
1 Comments:
At 9:14 AM,
TeeCee said…
I admire you because no matter what happens, you seem to maintain a positive attitude, which is great and you don't lie to yourself and you don't pretend everything is okay, but you just accept things and still look forward positively, which is the only direction you can look because it's the right direction.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I'm a huge rallier of organ donation, I'll keep it up.
And yes, I'll even fly to your gym!
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