F'ing Friday the 13th

So I knew today would end up a “Bad Luck Day” being that it was Friday the 13th. Today I finally got a call from Dr. Shah and he said that my echo cardiogram came back positive that I do show signs of Pulmonary Hypertension. I just can’t seem to get a break. I don’t understand what I have done so wrong that I have to go through this. I mean I know that God only gives you what you can handle but shit how much really can I take? I’m emotionally a wreck because all I have in my head now is what the last doctor told me (Dr. Yung as UCSD) and that was usually once diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension people die around 6 months to a year. I mean, is this true? Will I only have 6 months? I mean there is so much I want to do before my time is up, like see my brother again and Grandma since I don’t see them as often as my mom and dad. I also want to see Dominic grow up. I can’t if this is the case. I just can’t handle this right now. Why did Dr. Shah have to ruin my weekend by laying this out to me like this? He actually was very positive (as always) but what is positive when you know how bad hypertension can be with Pulmonary Fibrosis. You know I’m not scared to die for myself. I’m scared to die for my family. I don’t want to leave them. I’m only 33 I shouldn’t be going through this at such a young age. I shouldn’t be going through it at all, honestly. I mean, I know I’ve done some bad things as a teen and early adult but was I that bad that now I have to suffer and my family has to suffer?

I tried to call Dr. Yung to tell him about the doctor from Tibet and to see if I could hold off until the new year to start any new medicines (chemo or whatever) or if he feels I don’t have that kind of time but of course he is on vacation until Tues. I just don’t know what to do. I really want to give these diet/herbs a fair try but I don’t know if I have that kind of time anymore. Dr. Shah told me that they will probably start the process faster for a transplant but getting a transplant is not always the cure. There are a lot of problems that could happen because of a transplant. I’m just at a loss for words and am an emotional wreck. My husband isn’t here and so I have to pretend I’m ok because I don’t want to worry Dominic but shit sometimes I need to allow myself to be weak for a bit. I’m at a loss. I can’t figure out what I’ve done to deserve this and I only wish that I could have a miracle or tomorrow I could wake up and not have this terrible disease. I’m a mess I need to sign off now and try and get myself under control before Dominic comes home from school.

Later,
Carmen