I'm getting so tired of these blogs!

So I'm getting really tired of these blogs. Not so much blogging because it really has become my therapy in some ways but the blogs where I have to share my bad news. Seems like that is all that I have never good news only bad. Or it seems by reading my blogs is for every one positive blog I write regarding my health there is always two or three negative to follow. So here goes:I called to other day to Dr. Shah my pulmonary doctor to get my results of my CAT scan. So he was nice enough to call me back much faster than last time. I was expecting good news because like I said I've never really had too badly of news when I've had them done. I mean they are always bad because my lungs are filled with fibrosis but I don't know what I was thinking I guess I was just hoping that he would tell me that nothing has changed since the last scan but sadly he didn't. Instead he told me that there wasn't too much new growth of fibrosis since the last one but looking from a year ago until now there has been a moderate amount of new growth. So, what do I do with this information? Well I kept my cool and didn't break down while talking to him I just wanted to know why every time I got one done in the past they kept telling me that everything is the same when really it wasn't. He told me that probably they were only looking at the most recent one and not comparing it to the ones from a year ago. You know any excuse to make them look like they are doing their job correct, but to me they aren't because all this time they were giving me false hope. We talked about the next steps for me and at this point there really isn't any next step. I will continue to do my diet and herbs and wear these lungs out until I can't use them anymore and then hopefully get a transplant. I say hopefully because a lot of people get turned down for organs for one reason or another so who knows if I will even be able to do that. There really isn't any medicine at this point to help because I've been on it all and nothing worked or there is such bad side effects to them that they don't think I should even try them until later. We hung up trying to stay positive but simply couldn't.When Mike got home I just couldn't control myself anymore. I just let it all out. I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. I think it was good to let it all out but I still get teary eyed because I didn't ask for this. The hardest point yesterday wasn't my tears but Michael's tears. He always plays the strong medical guy and when he started to cry I just lost it. He just kept telling me "I'm sorry you are going through this. This is such a terrible terrible disease."I try so hard to not let it get to me but I can't anymore. I know that my time is running out and I'm only freaking 33. I didn't plan this as a kid. I didn't ask to die at 33 or what ever young age it may be; I wanted to have children (not just one), get a degree and actually use it; not get sick and only be able to work part time. I didn't ask to have to live my life walking around on oxygen. I wanted to see my son graduate and maybe get married on day. I even wanted to be a Grandma one day. All of these things are being taken from me, I know it and my family knows it. I won't be able to probably see anything that as a young girl I thought I would be able too. How does someone stay positive when all they get is negative in return? People keep telling me "God only gives you what you can handle." Well how much really can I handle? I feel like I'm drowning. Looking at Mike and Dominic how much can they handle because they have to live with me and see me decrease everyday as well. This disease just isn't fair. I don't get it. Why did I get this? I honestly can't take it anymore. I really feel like I am going to have a nervous break down. I try and try to stay positive but I can't anymore. I really can't. I wish this disease would just take me. I don't like to have my husband, son, parents, family and friends all suffer because of my fucking disease. It's not fair to them. It really isn't!!! It's hard to think anymore that God listens to my or any ones prayers. I see how people can lose their faith in what ever God they believe in when they go through something life threaten. I feel I've been a fool all this time to believe in faith, power of prayer, miracles and now I even doubt these diet/herbs. I just doubt everything now. Life sucks it really does. It doesn't make since. I just don't understand what I've done so badly in my life that I have to go through this. That I have to let my family and friends go throw this. Please God tell me? Why me?