If you really knew me you'd know:
So I watched Oprah the other day and she had on these teens that went to this seminar that was about bullies, and stepping out of your own click and learning more about each other before you assume anything about them. It was an awesome project that I think all kids should have to go to; it would really be an eye opener to everyone. So the one statement they had to finish was "If you really knew me you'd know..." So I'd like to answer this myself.
If you really knew me you'd know that I am a helpless romantic but don't know how to express my feelings or emotions. I have always had a hard time dealing with them and don't know how to genuinely show people that I love them. Seems like in the past the more someone showed their love to me the more I wanted to push them away. I mean I can say "I love you" and hug and kiss them but to fully give all to them I don't know how. I have a real hard time letting people love me also. I seem too rather want someone not love me than to love me and express their love. I feel awkward when people do and don't know what too say or how too express my feelings back to them. I'm not making much sense because like I said when it comes to my feelings its hard for me to express them. Let's try again. I watch all these chick flick romantic movies and say "Man if only I was that girl" but really if I had that I am not sure what I'd do with it. I'd probably run away. I blame this on a few people but deep down I know I can only blame myself but here are the 3; my biological father, a boyfriend that died my senior year and an ex husband. All in a way have caused me to shut off my feelings too where I in a way have become a bitter person. Sure you never see it because I keep it mostly to myself but today I'm sharing with you all. You can't change the past I know this, but I wonder if things were different with any of them would I be a different person? Would I be able to open up and love better now as a woman? Would my marriage be more romantic? Would I be more affectionate? Would I be able to express my feeling more to the people that I love? For awhile this really bothered me, and I even went to talk to a counselor regarding how sad and angry I was all the time. They told me too write a letter to these people and too express my feelings to them and I did I think like 10 years ago but never gave it to them. I mean why would I? Closure I guess but then I wouldn't have anything to complain about now. LOL!!!
If you really knew me you'd know that because I have such a hard time with my feelings I turn everything into a joke. Just like I ended the paragraph above. I am so freaked out by feelings that I would rather make someone laugh than to see them cry, have anger or sorrow for me. Too be honest I joke a lot about my health and illness but deep down inside I'm scared as shit. I am so worried about what the future will bring I don't ever sleep well at night. I am constantly waking up because I am afraid of dying in my sleep. When Mike is gone I will sleep in the day or early afternoon but will be up all night watching TV or surfing the web because I fear I might die when he isn't here. I fear what would Dominic do if that happened and he was home alone? When Mike is home I do get a little more rest but still will wake up numerous times at night and I will just pray. Pray to God to give me another day. When he does I pray again to thank him for letting me have another day and then the cycle will start up again at night. I don't want people to worry about me, and I hate too talk about my illness because everyone gives me that same look like" Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for you." It kills me so instead I always play it off, make a joke about it, change the subject or something. Anything to get me away from my emotions and someone else feelings for me.
So if you really knew you, you'd know that I am really fucked up when it comes too feelings and emotions. I guess that is why I majored in Psychology; to figure myself out but I still haven't been able to understand fully why I am the way I am. I guess that means I need more schooling. I better start looking into getting my masters so I can figure myself out. See again with the jokes. I don't know how to be any other way.
Carmen San Diego
If you really knew me you'd know that I am a helpless romantic but don't know how to express my feelings or emotions. I have always had a hard time dealing with them and don't know how to genuinely show people that I love them. Seems like in the past the more someone showed their love to me the more I wanted to push them away. I mean I can say "I love you" and hug and kiss them but to fully give all to them I don't know how. I have a real hard time letting people love me also. I seem too rather want someone not love me than to love me and express their love. I feel awkward when people do and don't know what too say or how too express my feelings back to them. I'm not making much sense because like I said when it comes to my feelings its hard for me to express them. Let's try again. I watch all these chick flick romantic movies and say "Man if only I was that girl" but really if I had that I am not sure what I'd do with it. I'd probably run away. I blame this on a few people but deep down I know I can only blame myself but here are the 3; my biological father, a boyfriend that died my senior year and an ex husband. All in a way have caused me to shut off my feelings too where I in a way have become a bitter person. Sure you never see it because I keep it mostly to myself but today I'm sharing with you all. You can't change the past I know this, but I wonder if things were different with any of them would I be a different person? Would I be able to open up and love better now as a woman? Would my marriage be more romantic? Would I be more affectionate? Would I be able to express my feeling more to the people that I love? For awhile this really bothered me, and I even went to talk to a counselor regarding how sad and angry I was all the time. They told me too write a letter to these people and too express my feelings to them and I did I think like 10 years ago but never gave it to them. I mean why would I? Closure I guess but then I wouldn't have anything to complain about now. LOL!!!
If you really knew me you'd know that because I have such a hard time with my feelings I turn everything into a joke. Just like I ended the paragraph above. I am so freaked out by feelings that I would rather make someone laugh than to see them cry, have anger or sorrow for me. Too be honest I joke a lot about my health and illness but deep down inside I'm scared as shit. I am so worried about what the future will bring I don't ever sleep well at night. I am constantly waking up because I am afraid of dying in my sleep. When Mike is gone I will sleep in the day or early afternoon but will be up all night watching TV or surfing the web because I fear I might die when he isn't here. I fear what would Dominic do if that happened and he was home alone? When Mike is home I do get a little more rest but still will wake up numerous times at night and I will just pray. Pray to God to give me another day. When he does I pray again to thank him for letting me have another day and then the cycle will start up again at night. I don't want people to worry about me, and I hate too talk about my illness because everyone gives me that same look like" Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for you." It kills me so instead I always play it off, make a joke about it, change the subject or something. Anything to get me away from my emotions and someone else feelings for me.
So if you really knew you, you'd know that I am really fucked up when it comes too feelings and emotions. I guess that is why I majored in Psychology; to figure myself out but I still haven't been able to understand fully why I am the way I am. I guess that means I need more schooling. I better start looking into getting my masters so I can figure myself out. See again with the jokes. I don't know how to be any other way.
Carmen San Diego
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 1:09 PM
4 Comments:
At 6:28 PM,
Laura said…
Carmen, I'm the same way with not getting emotional. I find it much easier to make things into jokes, as well. But you can always write down your feelings, and focus on staying true to them, and not "spinning" them for others. Just think about writing it so you can remember the feeling, you know? You don't necessarily have to post them, but getting them down might help, just like those unsent letters.
Oh, and congrats on the further weight loss! The food changes sound like they're working well! I wish the gross herbs would do something for you, too!
At 8:44 AM,
Steven said…
Carmen...it seems that both you and I have something in common. :)
Steve~
At 11:24 AM,
Schmoop said…
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”
--Leo F. Buscaglia
Many people feel as you do. I think nearly everyone "plays defense" with their emotions as some point.
Hang in there, and Cheers!!
At 10:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey there! We're all fucked up in some sort of way. I just feel that you've had so much to deal with in your young life (and I mean young! you're only 33!)
I only wish the best for you.. I don't have your illness, and I really feel for you. I think you're doing the best you can under the circumstances you're in.
(hugs) and Happy Thanksgiving!!
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