Week 5
So I have learned that when I'm depressed or under a lot of pressure or stress I still find myself going to food for comfort. I have had a bad week with trying to stay strong in my faith in God, trying to look at the positive side of things and only seeing the negative in everything. I'm sure everyone who has had to deal with a terminal illness or who has witness someone that is dying goes through these stages. It sucks, life sucks at these times but you do move on. I AM trying to move on.
I still have my faith in God, even though I still wonder if he is punishing me for things I did in the past. You know juvenile things like drinking before the age, smoking pot to fit in as a teenager and trying ecstasy in my early 20's because that was the "cool thing to do" then. Face it I'm a follower and have never been a leader. These traits are very big in my family. Not so much my parents, or maybe my parents were that way as kids who knows. I try to look at them as being the leader of their crew because they are such great adults. I can't see them ever falling for peer pressure. Any how, I see these "following" traits in my brother, cousins, and sadly even my son. Maybe we all want the shine but don't want the spot light, who knows? Or maybe its just all kids, young adults go through this to become better adults. I don't know, I feel that sometimes I am being punished for my past because I wasn't the best roll model I could be for other people. I hope that God isn't the type that is tick for tack because if he is then I am pretty much doomed and I might as well throw in the towel now. No, he's not like that. Is he? I have to believe in something because if I don't then dying to me would be nothing but rotting in the ground. I want to believe that your soul goes somewhere. Somewhere better than this place. Where there isn't any war or crime, or poverty, or even politics. Just a happy place that everything is relax and everyone gets along. I also want to believe in God because when I'm gone I want him to look after my family. I mean with me gone who's gonna remind Mike to check over Dominic's homework and to remind Dominic to wear deodorant? Who's gonna remind most of the family that is another family members birthday? All of these things I've took over as my role in the family and I can't imagine any of them remembering to do it with out me. Ahh, they will but I want to feel a little bit important right now. LOL!!!
So as you know I got yet again more bad news from the doctors. I actually haven't even told my parent because they take this disease I think harder than I do at times. I mean its hard I assume to watch your child go through something like this. Knock on wood. Dominic has been a pretty healthy child so far. So, unless they read my blog (which maybe they do every once in a while) they don't even know about my CAT scan results. I'm just sick of stressing them out. This week has been really hard for me. With Michael crying with me, it just put me over the top. I mentioned he's always been the strong person. Then at work telling the ladies about my news I also got upset and started to cry. I can't stress enough how much this disease sucks.
I'm not sure its any better but instead of turning too a glass of wine (which I have done in the past trust me) I turned to the huge bowl of Halloween candy that looks at me everything I walk past the kitchen. I didn't go through a binge eating attack or anything but I will admit I have had about 4 of those snack size Almond Joys this week and a piece of bubble gum and a snack size of those bone heads which taste like runts but are shaped like skeleton heads. I just had no will power. I should put it in the cabinet because then it'll be out of sight but in a way I want it to be gone, so the more its out there the more people will eat it. Plus, now its a challenge for me to see if I really can walk past it with out grabbing a piece.
That being said, when I got on the scale today I expected to see a 5 pound gain but instead it read 149.2 so I lost a whole 2 ounces. I guess I should be proud because it wasn't a gain but I know if I would of not turned to food during this stressful time it would of been more.
I am still battling this depressed feeling but know with time it'll pass. Michael has been wonderful this week, with giving me extra hugs and laying in bed with me and talking about the old days. Talking about the old days are a bit depressing but we tried to focus more on the funny times and not times where you can really see how bad I've gotten over the years. I really do have a wonderful husband and I know I don't tell him nearly enough. I think if any other guy I dated in the past had to deal with what we've been going through with this disease, they would of left. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I could emotionally handle it if the table were turned. It really sucks to watch myself go through it and I can only imagine how it feels as my husband, son or family deal with it everyday as well. Sometimes I think its harder for them because they know there is nothing they can do for me.
My goal this week is to try and get my emotions back in check. Exercise more than 2 times this week. I started the week off good but started feeling that "popping, rubbing" in my lung so I stopped. I always panic when it happens because that was what I felt when I collasped it the first time. The noise (feeling) is still there, so I am just going to have to ignore it and get my exercise in. Lastly I am going to try and stay clear of the candy bowl.
Going to the movies to see Saw 3 today with Jenny and then we are going get coffee after words. I thought getting out and about would be nice. Then when I get home I plan on catching up on my scrap books. I have been very lazy when it comes to my scrap books.
Maybe I'll write later on tonight to tell you my thoughts on the movie.
Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego
I still have my faith in God, even though I still wonder if he is punishing me for things I did in the past. You know juvenile things like drinking before the age, smoking pot to fit in as a teenager and trying ecstasy in my early 20's because that was the "cool thing to do" then. Face it I'm a follower and have never been a leader. These traits are very big in my family. Not so much my parents, or maybe my parents were that way as kids who knows. I try to look at them as being the leader of their crew because they are such great adults. I can't see them ever falling for peer pressure. Any how, I see these "following" traits in my brother, cousins, and sadly even my son. Maybe we all want the shine but don't want the spot light, who knows? Or maybe its just all kids, young adults go through this to become better adults. I don't know, I feel that sometimes I am being punished for my past because I wasn't the best roll model I could be for other people. I hope that God isn't the type that is tick for tack because if he is then I am pretty much doomed and I might as well throw in the towel now. No, he's not like that. Is he? I have to believe in something because if I don't then dying to me would be nothing but rotting in the ground. I want to believe that your soul goes somewhere. Somewhere better than this place. Where there isn't any war or crime, or poverty, or even politics. Just a happy place that everything is relax and everyone gets along. I also want to believe in God because when I'm gone I want him to look after my family. I mean with me gone who's gonna remind Mike to check over Dominic's homework and to remind Dominic to wear deodorant? Who's gonna remind most of the family that is another family members birthday? All of these things I've took over as my role in the family and I can't imagine any of them remembering to do it with out me. Ahh, they will but I want to feel a little bit important right now. LOL!!!
So as you know I got yet again more bad news from the doctors. I actually haven't even told my parent because they take this disease I think harder than I do at times. I mean its hard I assume to watch your child go through something like this. Knock on wood. Dominic has been a pretty healthy child so far. So, unless they read my blog (which maybe they do every once in a while) they don't even know about my CAT scan results. I'm just sick of stressing them out. This week has been really hard for me. With Michael crying with me, it just put me over the top. I mentioned he's always been the strong person. Then at work telling the ladies about my news I also got upset and started to cry. I can't stress enough how much this disease sucks.
I'm not sure its any better but instead of turning too a glass of wine (which I have done in the past trust me) I turned to the huge bowl of Halloween candy that looks at me everything I walk past the kitchen. I didn't go through a binge eating attack or anything but I will admit I have had about 4 of those snack size Almond Joys this week and a piece of bubble gum and a snack size of those bone heads which taste like runts but are shaped like skeleton heads. I just had no will power. I should put it in the cabinet because then it'll be out of sight but in a way I want it to be gone, so the more its out there the more people will eat it. Plus, now its a challenge for me to see if I really can walk past it with out grabbing a piece.
That being said, when I got on the scale today I expected to see a 5 pound gain but instead it read 149.2 so I lost a whole 2 ounces. I guess I should be proud because it wasn't a gain but I know if I would of not turned to food during this stressful time it would of been more.
I am still battling this depressed feeling but know with time it'll pass. Michael has been wonderful this week, with giving me extra hugs and laying in bed with me and talking about the old days. Talking about the old days are a bit depressing but we tried to focus more on the funny times and not times where you can really see how bad I've gotten over the years. I really do have a wonderful husband and I know I don't tell him nearly enough. I think if any other guy I dated in the past had to deal with what we've been going through with this disease, they would of left. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I could emotionally handle it if the table were turned. It really sucks to watch myself go through it and I can only imagine how it feels as my husband, son or family deal with it everyday as well. Sometimes I think its harder for them because they know there is nothing they can do for me.
My goal this week is to try and get my emotions back in check. Exercise more than 2 times this week. I started the week off good but started feeling that "popping, rubbing" in my lung so I stopped. I always panic when it happens because that was what I felt when I collasped it the first time. The noise (feeling) is still there, so I am just going to have to ignore it and get my exercise in. Lastly I am going to try and stay clear of the candy bowl.
Going to the movies to see Saw 3 today with Jenny and then we are going get coffee after words. I thought getting out and about would be nice. Then when I get home I plan on catching up on my scrap books. I have been very lazy when it comes to my scrap books.
Maybe I'll write later on tonight to tell you my thoughts on the movie.
Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 9:41 AM
3 Comments:
At 9:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Thank God you have your family to support you...at least you met the right man, so you won't have any regrets there.
I'd like to hear how the movie was, I probably won't get to see it until it comes out on video. My husband hates those kind of movies.
At 6:07 AM,
Rex White said…
Carm,
First, please always remember that God doesn't punish anyone in this life. If nothing else, please don't forget that.
Although I don't know all the things you're going through, as you know I lost my Grandmother who raised me, my father and a friend last year within 6 months of one another, and all from cancer. Even through that, I still say that God doesn't punish anyone because I know its true. And I saw all three accept Christ and I saw all three leave this world in peace - true peace that I cannot describe nor begin to understand.
You motivate me so much. Rachel and I both were just talking about how you excercised twice last week and are still pushing yourself to do more this week. We keep saying we're going to do that and take our health for granted. You continue to do SOMEthing in the face of circumstances that are so overwhelming at times.
Your openness and transparency on this blog does so much for us, and I'm sure others. It's sad but its also powerful to see you fight back, continue pushing forward, leaning on Mike and continuing to look to God even though I'm sure its so hard sometimes.
But keep looking up. We're not supposed to always understand, and nothing in this life was promised to be easy. But there is a real "peace" when you turn things over to Him.
Continue to share - and if you need to continue to question... that's perfectly okay and isn't wrong, by any means.
Not trying to preach - I just love you and I care. Tell Big Mike and Dominic I said "Hello".
At 10:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Carmen, just wanted to let you know I've really been struggling this week with God and this sucky cancer. But, I know that I know that I know at the end of the day God is GOOD and HE loves us both so much. He has something for us and that fact that He allows us to go thru this makes him think we are worth it. Isn't that weird? Anyway, I'll be praying for you and pray as that our faith will be boosted this coming week. You know it's kinda like AA... one day (second) at a time. - Renee (btw, that's my middle name too)
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