Rough week
This week has been pretty difficult for me. I'm not sure why but I've been going throw many emotions that I don't normally have on a day to day basic. I've been coughing because it's been very cold here and the air is so dry. I always do a lot worse in the cold months but being that I'm not all that healthy these days it causes my anxiety to go in overdrive.
I'm used to my coughing and my anxiety that goes a long with that but Tues and Wednesday I was emotionally depressed. I couldn't help but too cry all day. Just seemed like everything was bottled up long enough and the bottle finally over flowed. I would have anger, fear, worry, you name it, I went though it. I haven't felt like this in a long time and actually didn't write in here until now because I wanted to get my emotions in check before I wrote something I didn't mean or if I wrote something while I was in the peak of one of my breakdowns people may worry more about me. So today I feel a little bit better but am sick. I think having all those emotions bottled up inside and not letting them out more often caused me to become sick. I have chest pains and am achy. I really think it was because I drained myself with all these emotions these past few days.
I know that I'm allowed to have days of "Woe me!" but the emotions that I feel when having them scare me. So if they scare me I'm sure they scare the people around me. It's really weird, the reason why I was angry. My parents have been asked to become God parents to friends of theirs new born child and even though I should be so excited about that for them and I am now that I am thinking in my right mind I was mad because I felt (at the time) that I was being replace and that Dominic was being replaced. Stupid I know but like I said I have a weird two days where my emotions didn't make any sense. I was thinking like "These people live on the east coast, I'm on the west coast, they are 3 hours away from my parents, so they are going to take my place, especially if I'm died, they will replace me." Isn't that morbid and insane? I was so mad that I was sick and couldn't have anymore kids and felt like this child is going to replace a grand child that I should be giving them. I was so dumb to think that.
ThenI felt like Mike was planning all these trips away so that he wouldn't have to deal with me. I even accused him of having an affair because I'm sick and he's been working out more and stuff like that. I told you I was having a weird week.
My panic attacks were so bad that I thought I would never wake up and that this was my last week here. I would cry in the shower and then yell at God because he wasn't going to let me see my son grow old or my brother get married one day or even meet his kids when ever he'd have one. I was angry at God because I had in my head that Mike was going to remarry and some other woman was going to raise my boy. I was afraid that Dominic would forget me. It was bad.
I went to go see the Tibet doctor and I think that is what started all these emotions. I guess I wanted a miracle to happen and since it's not I get upset that I'm stuck walking around with these tubes hanging from my nose. It sucks so bad. I felt so bad about my actions this past week. Actually is wasn't really actions it was just thoughts that would run in my head that I couldn't get them out for nothing. Anything that came to mind I would cry about. It was a long long week but I am better now and realize just how stupid I was this past few days.
I am happy that my parents are going to be Godparents. I think it'll be good for them. Jesus and Judy are really good people and my parents will be great Godparents. If they are anything like they are as parents or Grandparents then this little girl is going to be blessed with awesome Godparents..
I know my husband isn't having an affair, if anything he's having an affair with work because that is where his spare time is spent. Dominic will remember me too I know because we have spent so much time with just the two of us that hopefully he'll never forget our times together if and when my time is up.
I'm signing off now but plan on writing a more uplifted entry tomorrow or Sunday.
Until then,
Carmen San Diego
I'm used to my coughing and my anxiety that goes a long with that but Tues and Wednesday I was emotionally depressed. I couldn't help but too cry all day. Just seemed like everything was bottled up long enough and the bottle finally over flowed. I would have anger, fear, worry, you name it, I went though it. I haven't felt like this in a long time and actually didn't write in here until now because I wanted to get my emotions in check before I wrote something I didn't mean or if I wrote something while I was in the peak of one of my breakdowns people may worry more about me. So today I feel a little bit better but am sick. I think having all those emotions bottled up inside and not letting them out more often caused me to become sick. I have chest pains and am achy. I really think it was because I drained myself with all these emotions these past few days.
I know that I'm allowed to have days of "Woe me!" but the emotions that I feel when having them scare me. So if they scare me I'm sure they scare the people around me. It's really weird, the reason why I was angry. My parents have been asked to become God parents to friends of theirs new born child and even though I should be so excited about that for them and I am now that I am thinking in my right mind I was mad because I felt (at the time) that I was being replace and that Dominic was being replaced. Stupid I know but like I said I have a weird two days where my emotions didn't make any sense. I was thinking like "These people live on the east coast, I'm on the west coast, they are 3 hours away from my parents, so they are going to take my place, especially if I'm died, they will replace me." Isn't that morbid and insane? I was so mad that I was sick and couldn't have anymore kids and felt like this child is going to replace a grand child that I should be giving them. I was so dumb to think that.
ThenI felt like Mike was planning all these trips away so that he wouldn't have to deal with me. I even accused him of having an affair because I'm sick and he's been working out more and stuff like that. I told you I was having a weird week.
My panic attacks were so bad that I thought I would never wake up and that this was my last week here. I would cry in the shower and then yell at God because he wasn't going to let me see my son grow old or my brother get married one day or even meet his kids when ever he'd have one. I was angry at God because I had in my head that Mike was going to remarry and some other woman was going to raise my boy. I was afraid that Dominic would forget me. It was bad.
I went to go see the Tibet doctor and I think that is what started all these emotions. I guess I wanted a miracle to happen and since it's not I get upset that I'm stuck walking around with these tubes hanging from my nose. It sucks so bad. I felt so bad about my actions this past week. Actually is wasn't really actions it was just thoughts that would run in my head that I couldn't get them out for nothing. Anything that came to mind I would cry about. It was a long long week but I am better now and realize just how stupid I was this past few days.
I am happy that my parents are going to be Godparents. I think it'll be good for them. Jesus and Judy are really good people and my parents will be great Godparents. If they are anything like they are as parents or Grandparents then this little girl is going to be blessed with awesome Godparents..
I know my husband isn't having an affair, if anything he's having an affair with work because that is where his spare time is spent. Dominic will remember me too I know because we have spent so much time with just the two of us that hopefully he'll never forget our times together if and when my time is up.
I'm signing off now but plan on writing a more uplifted entry tomorrow or Sunday.
Until then,
Carmen San Diego
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 5:02 PM
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