House and True Life

So lately I've been watching these shows on MTV called True Life. Have you ever heard of it? It's a show that sort of sums up certain illness and interviews people with this illness or disorder or what ever the topic is. Sometimes it talks about people who use steroids to get bigger, or who have bulimia or anorexia. Well the other day they had a show on OCD. This really caught my attention because it does effect my family. We believe my mom has OCD but she's not as extreme as these people, she's just a CLEAN FREAK and must have things a certain way. She can't sit still if something is wrong in her eyes and we've lived with it all our life. I think she's getting worse the older she gets but we all just sort of deal with it. I mean who doesn't want a clean house or a meal cooked for them and if someone enjoys or needs to do it then so be it. But the day I see her counting things and obsessing on locked doors and tapping things I will have to admit her to a hospital. Sorry Mom but I can only take so much. Love that you like to clean and cook but will hate the day you can't hug me or hold my hand because you are afraid of where my hand might have been. LOL. Trust me these hands have gone where no man has gone before. Just joking!

Any how back to me. One of the girls in the show has OCD because she obsesses about her mom dying. She had a huge fear of her dying and would do rituals (funny my mom uses that word too) to stay on "God's" good side to keep her mom safe from harm. It got me wondering. Maybe I have OCD. Mike always tells me that I Obsess about me dying and think about it all the time. I do, I've admitted to this in here a few times, OK a lot. I fear I'll die and where I'll die and I constantly have it on my mind. But I always assumed it was anxiety not OCD. I always thought of OCD as clean germ freaks and people who did things 3 or 5 times to get a ritual done. I didn't think obsessing about an event would be considered OCD, but I look back into my psychology books and it does say when one obsess about events enough that it effects there daily life. I must say that my fear of dying has effected some what the way I live. I wont do certain things because they are too dangerous and if forced into it I have a panic attack. I also sort of do some rituals like I make sure I pray before I go to bed and every time I wake up. I do this so that God knows that I really want to stay alive and that I am thankful he gave me each new morning to live. I also make sure that I tell Dominic to say his prayers and that he "prays for his momma" as I say to him. So in a way I guess these are all rituals, so I really think I was misdiagnosed when they told me I had extreme anxiety but really I have OCD. Who knows? They gave me Valium to calm my nerves so I guess either one of them anxiety and/or OCD can be numbed if I took my Valium like I was told to take them.

OK then I watched House. Do you watch that? It's a great show. Well the last one, one of the guys had lung cancer and refused to take any pain meds. He told the doctors that he wanted to die in pain because he had no one that loved him and at least if he died in pain he'd be remember by them. All he wanted was for someone to remember him. Well here we go again, that is all I want. When I die i want people to remember me and not to forget me. THat the whole meaning behind me writing those letters to everyone; so they don't forget me. I don't want Dominic to forget who I am or Mike to not remember the good times we had and not just these last years of me being sick. Here we go, me and my obsessing. I can't help it. I live each day wondering when, where, and how. Then I wonder if: Oh the many statements that start with if.

I've come to the conclusion, I watch too much damn TV. All it does is cause me to think more. Damn BOOB tube!!!

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

1. prayers, they get me through the day.
2. emails that are actual letters not just forwards. Thanks Michelle, Amysol, Rachel, Brendan and Hillary for sending me a real email today.
3. Dominic for not being too old to still want to sleep in my bed when Mike is out to sea. Thank god for that because I've been having nightmares lately and didn't want to sleep alone.