At What point

At what point do the phobias go away? With phobias I'm talking about my phobias of white vans (can't stand them and HAVE to the sign of the cross every time I'm by one). My phobias of flying, the only way I can is if I'm on Valium and alcohol. My phobia of the dark. Have to have a night light on through out the house. My phobia that if I lose my Ba-Ba's which is just a pillow that I have had forever and a pillow case that my late Grandma gave me something terrible (like death) might happen to me. My phobia that is I don't say my prayers at night or in the morning (what a good catholic girl I am) that something evil will happen.

At what point do my fears go away? My fear of dying is controlling my life ever since the damn doctors told me I had 5 years to live. I've been counting down the days ever since. My fear of being alone, which each day gets worse and I've had 2 panic attacks in the past month. My fear of getting addicted to pain medicine or Valium because the doctors say to them to control my pain and fears. My fear of my husband cheating on me because now he's probably feeling more of a "caregiver" instead of a husband. My fear (valid I think) that anything and everything will happen to Dominic (all moms worry I think). My fear of hurting someones feelings or making them mad so I do what ever it takes to please the world and not me. My fear of not telling the truth about how I REALLY feel to the doctors because I'm sick of doctors and them running test and I'm even more afraid of a transplant all though I know that at this point it is the only cure (which really isn't a cure at all because so much can go wrong with the operation).

At what point do I live the life that I want and not the life that I think people want me to live? I'm so worried about pissing someone off that I bottle everything up inside and in the long run I'm the only one who pays for it. I'm the one who gets the anxiety and stress. When can I just quit caring for others, not write them off but to for once do what think I may need for closure or to gain some sort of sanity back.?

I guess really the answer is never because I honestly can't ever see myself with out the phobias I mentioned, or the fears I have or living a life that might be a bit less drama in it, because I'm never had it. I'm just tired. Tired of living. Not in a suicidal way so don't panic, just tired of being confused about who I am and what life I want or what life I can have if I learned to fix these things.

Emptiness, sometimes that is what I feel and I search all the time for what ever it is I think I need but always come up empty. I just want to know at what point is it that you just simply quit the worrying and start living?

3 things I'm thankful for:

1. These letters that I have been writing to everyone because I'm starting to find out that I'm a pretty good person and good friend. And that I have great friends, and family members to boot.
2. My roomba vacuuming for me because I'm to lazy or actually hate to vacuum but know it needs to be done.
3. 4 days until Spring Break.