Back from the dead.
Well I'm back from vacation and now I'm trying to get my life back into the swing of things. I had a great time visiting the east coast seeing old friends. I really made me miss the east coast so much seeing all my friends again. I wish I was strong enough to do more than what we did, which was pretty much hang out but it was so nice just to catch up from a year apart and see them again. Some friends I may never see again. Not because we aren't friends anymore but everyone just is moving to different areas of the world and it will get harder and harder to see them. I also know that my health isn't getting any better and I just never hold my breath on when my time is up.
I don't fear death. Well I do in a way because I simply just want to go in my sleep. I don't want to go through chest tubes or surgeries or go while someone is pounding on my chest to save me. I want to go peacefully and with out an struggle. I also fear about my family. I don't want Mike and Dominic or any of my extended family to be sad or miss me. Well I want you all to miss me but not so bad that you can't move on with your lives. Everyone dies and so one day I'll see you all up in heaven; or hell where ever the big man thinks I or we belong.
I am talking of death not to sadden anyone's weekend, although death is always a sad thing but because I've been keeping a journal on my breathing patterns and I've come to see that I have been having more bad days than good. It's getting tougher each day and I'm finally starting to realize that being on oxygen isn't to far from the future. I am actually looking forward to being put on it because I think I will be able to do more things like workout and go for walks again that now I'm unable to do. I am just not at the point where I want to be seen as a handicap to the public. I don't want jobs to not hire me because I wear a tube around my nose or people to feel empathy for me because they see how much I've changed. Oxygen or not, I'm still the same person on the inside. Spunky, funny and like to have a good time. I go to Dr. Shah on 7/7 and I am going to share with him my concerns of daily life becoming more of a struggle and see what he has to say. I also go 7/31 to Dr. Yung who is at UCSD and is a specialist on Scleraderma and Pulmonary Fibrosis and talk to him about new meds. and the start of putting me on a transplant list. I really think that at this time its time to really consider a transplant or try a new medicine that may help my lungs a little.
On a lighter note. Michael, Dominic and I went to the Goo Goo Dolls, and Counting Crows concert. It was an awesome show. I LOVE the Counting Crows and Mike and D love the Goo Goo Dolls so we all were happy. It was a late night for us and since Dominic is doing summer school he actually fell asleep during Counting Crows but its ok, it was something to remember anyhow... all of us at a concert together. It was Dominic's first concert and I think he enjoyed it and doing something that we all can enjoy together.
Well I'm sure I will be writing more this weekend I just felt like I had to write something so you all knew I was home again and doing pretty well. Now, sadly I need to clean the house and do laundry. It sucks just thinking about it but I got these new all natural products that are suppose to be healthier for you and who knows maybe it'll help my breathing in the long run. So, I'm looking forward to detoxing my house and hopefully I will not be so winded afterwards. Wish me luck. Oh yeah the stuff is called Melaleuca and their site is www.melaleuca.com for anyone who is interested in it. My friends that use it swear by it and say their asthma is under control if not gone; so at this point I'll try just about anything.
Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego
I don't fear death. Well I do in a way because I simply just want to go in my sleep. I don't want to go through chest tubes or surgeries or go while someone is pounding on my chest to save me. I want to go peacefully and with out an struggle. I also fear about my family. I don't want Mike and Dominic or any of my extended family to be sad or miss me. Well I want you all to miss me but not so bad that you can't move on with your lives. Everyone dies and so one day I'll see you all up in heaven; or hell where ever the big man thinks I or we belong.
I am talking of death not to sadden anyone's weekend, although death is always a sad thing but because I've been keeping a journal on my breathing patterns and I've come to see that I have been having more bad days than good. It's getting tougher each day and I'm finally starting to realize that being on oxygen isn't to far from the future. I am actually looking forward to being put on it because I think I will be able to do more things like workout and go for walks again that now I'm unable to do. I am just not at the point where I want to be seen as a handicap to the public. I don't want jobs to not hire me because I wear a tube around my nose or people to feel empathy for me because they see how much I've changed. Oxygen or not, I'm still the same person on the inside. Spunky, funny and like to have a good time. I go to Dr. Shah on 7/7 and I am going to share with him my concerns of daily life becoming more of a struggle and see what he has to say. I also go 7/31 to Dr. Yung who is at UCSD and is a specialist on Scleraderma and Pulmonary Fibrosis and talk to him about new meds. and the start of putting me on a transplant list. I really think that at this time its time to really consider a transplant or try a new medicine that may help my lungs a little.
On a lighter note. Michael, Dominic and I went to the Goo Goo Dolls, and Counting Crows concert. It was an awesome show. I LOVE the Counting Crows and Mike and D love the Goo Goo Dolls so we all were happy. It was a late night for us and since Dominic is doing summer school he actually fell asleep during Counting Crows but its ok, it was something to remember anyhow... all of us at a concert together. It was Dominic's first concert and I think he enjoyed it and doing something that we all can enjoy together.
Well I'm sure I will be writing more this weekend I just felt like I had to write something so you all knew I was home again and doing pretty well. Now, sadly I need to clean the house and do laundry. It sucks just thinking about it but I got these new all natural products that are suppose to be healthier for you and who knows maybe it'll help my breathing in the long run. So, I'm looking forward to detoxing my house and hopefully I will not be so winded afterwards. Wish me luck. Oh yeah the stuff is called Melaleuca and their site is www.melaleuca.com for anyone who is interested in it. My friends that use it swear by it and say their asthma is under control if not gone; so at this point I'll try just about anything.
Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego
- mood: a little sad but not for any real reason. Just thinking about the future and me saddens me and so that is why I feel this way.
- If: If you were to decide what legal rights gays and lesbians should have with regard to marriage and children, what would they be? I feel every human has the same rights regardless of color, sex or sexuality. So gays should have the same rights as I do as an American and being heterosexual.
posted by Carmen San Diego @ 1:31 PM
3 Comments:
At 6:17 PM,
haggardmom said…
Glad you're back!
I hope they decide to put you on the list soon, before you get too sick for surgery...such a rotten disease, PF is. Scleraderma is no picnic either... I saw a program recently profiling a lady who had it,and it took years for her to get diagnosed. She is still pretty functional but her hands were very contracted.
At 12:21 PM,
Granny said…
Hi and thanks for the comment. I'll be back to read more later. I read your 6-13 post and if this is something you still want to talk about, you have my email address. (Or it's on my sidebar).
Ann (aka granny)
At 6:59 PM,
Rex White said…
I'll keep you in my prayers in regard to your upcoming doctor's appointments. We love ya!
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