How do you learn to forgive someone?

This has been a skill I have never learned. I need to learn it because it is one of the things that keeps my body toxic. I just have never been taught this skill; not through my parents, friends, other family members and even when I was in counseling back in Key West. Yes, they all gave me advice and told me ways to do it but I don’t know how to use the technique. I know me, not being able to forgive the past or what people may have done to me prevent my present from not fully being enjoyable. It makes it hard to ever really love someone fully and to let my guard down. I’m always living in fear of “what if” my feelings get stomped on again. I guess you need examples to fully understand how toxic this is for me and my well being.

Example one this one is pretty big and maybe should be the last one but it’s the first one that probably caused me to start not trusting people or not being able to let my guards down and to fear what others think of me. Causing me to take the easy route and simply shutting that person (persons) out of my life. This is my biological father. You know many people never, once getting adopted by a step parent ever have to worry about meeting or seeing their biological father; but sadly due to my health I had to find out what else I needed to worry about. Although Marty IS my father, I can’t turn to him when it comes to medical questions. I say Charles is my DNA not my DAD because he really isn’t. Anyone can produce sperm and make a baby but it takes a stronger man to raise one. So see, there you go, I’m already talking negative about Charles because of the past. Anyhow, in my early 20’s is when I had to find him. I had so much going on health wise that when doctors would ask me about any past history I would say “well my mom…” My mom is in perfect health, so she wasn’t any help when it came to trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was a little older when the adoption happened so I do remember a bit about my childhood; to make a long 34 year old story very short, I found him. It was very easy and that has caused me to never forgive him. I know actually he isn’t fully to blame; there’s a lot that is to blame. A bad marriage, the court system, the 70’s and things not being all that great for a black males, him not taking responsibility for his actions (child support and what not); the list goes on and on. Sadly once you give up your rights, you give them up. That parts hurts. I will never understand how anyone could give up their rights. I look at Dominic and think how could I have looked in that child’s eyes and decided “No, I’ll let someone else raise you.” Maybe Charles knew I’d have a better life with Marty and if he did he is right, Marty has given me the best life any child could ask their father to give. If that was the reason then I thank him, but it is still hard for me to fully understand. As a child it hurts and it still hurts now as an adult. I have been given the best life I could ever imagine and would never ask for better parents or a brother but I can’t lie it hurts that someone at one point didn’t want me.

Plus there is a whole heritage that I am missing out on because I am half black and my parents are both white. He tries now, Charles; as much as I let him. Mainly through emails, trying to work on our relationship and mending what ever I will allow but like I said my guards up and I fear getting hurt myself and for my family now. He had me in his 20’s and I know that a lot of years have gone by since then and he has grown up since then and people do change (shit I have) but I still don’t know how to let go of the past. I want to. I really do. I am not even sure if it’s that I want a relationship with him but I have a sister Samantha (actually 2 but one is MIA) that I have never met before. Like him, we communicate through emails and MySpace and if you read her page it says one of the people she’d like to meet is her big sister. I feel terrible for this because I am punishing her because I’m holding onto a grudge because of something my DNA has done. She always tells me that even though she’s never met me she has always looked up to me as a big sister or role model because of what I write her and the way I raise my child and present myself. It sucks. I don’t know how to let things go. I’d love to have a relationship with her like I do my brother ( and also my cousins) the ones I remember from my childhood. She doesn’t deserve this, none of them do. The past is the past and I should learn to forget it and move forward and allow people in my life that want to be there but I don’t know how. This could go on and on regarding my whole biological DNA relationship but it would end up being a book and I don’t really want to get that involved I just wanted to give examples.

Another is my ex husband. That guy put me through the wringer. He ruined my credit, verbally abused me and even a few times physically abused me towards the end. I could go on more about him but I’d prefer to block some of the things that he has done because it was so painful. But I hate him. I really do. I have visions of wanting to run him over in my car or breaking his knees so when he walked he felt pain and could remember the pain he put me through. (I guess I have watched too many Sopranos). He was just someone I finally let my guard down to and crushed me. Still to this day, I jump when someone enters a room, or am afraid to be alone at night just because of the crap he would threaten to me. It’s terrible. The problem is, he to may have matured and has become a better man, who’s to say, but regardless he’s not in my life and I haven’t seen him since the day of our divorce so why can’t I let it go and forgive? Why?

Another stupider one is once Mike’s friend Rex (sorry Rex that you are one of my examples) charged up my phone bill when Mike and I were barely dating and never paid for it. I was so poor after my divorce and waitressing, every dime was needed and I couldn’t afford the bill. So it screwed me up for the longest time and I hated, hated him for it. I hated Mike being his friend and wanted nothing to do with him. This went on for years. I was so upset about a phone bill. It took me years, yes years to get over it. Other things would happen during these years with Rex and it get me all boiled up again and we’d get into another fight and I wouldn’t speak to him for years. I actually think in Mike and my marriage I didn’t like Rex probably 7 of the 10 years. Pretty said again all because I don’t know how to forgive. I don’t know what or why Rex and I started to talk again. It’s funny because now we can sort of look back and laugh about it but it took me 7 years. 7!!

Another more funnier one was once at a bar crawl (when you go and have a drink from bar to bar) in Key West, this girl that worked with Mike said something rude about him and we were barely dating at the time but I wanted to punch her lights out. I mean I really wanted to fight her all over a dumb comment she said about him. I don’t think it even had to do with the alcohol, because to this day, actually as I’m typing I’m getting mad by the minute thinking of what she said and I can’t stand her all because of what she said. I still if someone brings up her name “Carroll” that’s her last name I don’t even remember her first name I want to flip out.

Oh and why we are talking about it, there’s another girl that I guess my husband and a few of the Italy guys had fun with and I wasn’t aware about Mike and her until Rex (yeah Rex you busted Mike on this one) blurted it out to me one night when he was visiting us in KW. Plus she was sending Mike all these letters (not really love letter but close enough for any girlfriend at the time to be suspicious about) Mike would just say “No, I was like a brother to her, blah blah blah.” Well I believed him until Rex busted him. The point to the story is this is Mike’s past, yet I’m upset and couldn’t forgive him for it for a long time. So you see, I’m really a mess and don’t know how to fix myself. If anyone else was to come to me with these problems, I’d probably laugh in their face (beside the DNA issue) but because it’s me I don’t know how to fix my issues.

I keep myself toxic because of things like this and it eats at me. Little things can happen with my husband and I and I will hold a grudge for ever or keep bringing it up every fight there after because I don’t know how to forgive and forget. Other peoples as well not just my husband, but he does get the blunt of most of it now, since I don’t have much of a social life anymore. I say I forgive, but never forget and that’s not healthy. I need to learn to forgive and forget because the only person that it hurts is me. I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t, I really don’t know how. I want to live and be happy and have relationships’ with people and live a life like sounds corny “As Jesus would want us to” but I don’t know how to let go of the past. Because of this it is screwing my present and future.

3 things I’m happy for today:
1. It being Friday and I survived my first full week back to work since school started. No more doc. Appointments for me for awhile. Oh and I am approved for 2 lungs. I found that out yesterday.
2. Soon as my dental clinic faxes over my stuff which they said they were going to do today, I will be officially be placed on the list and be waiting for my new set of lungs. That was the last of what I had to do before being cleared for being put on the donor list.
3.My friends from CT. Heidi and Sharon are coming here to visit tonight and then Yvonne coming over later on to meet them and hang out. It should be nice. We are having steak, rosemary potatoes, salad and apple crisp for dessert. Oh and I’m sure we are going to have numerous bottles of wine as well. That’s how we roll.