Beware of this Charger Fan!!!

This is Yvonne. She looks very sweet and innocent in this picture but don't let the cute little smile fool you. This girl is crazy. Stay clear of her because she is contagious. She is a killer and she is trying to kill me. If you see her or are near her she will make you laugh and smile uncontrollably and sometimes to where you can't breathe. So honestly she is an evil woman. She is trying to kill me. She knows that I am on oxygen but yet she makes a point every time I see her to make me laugh and have to crank my O2 up higher to breathe. She does have a boyfriend but I think that he has to sleep with one eye open because you just can't trust her and her evil ways. He's even begged to be deployed because he doesn't trust her and her Dr. Evil ways. She tries to kill everyone with her kindness like pet names such as "stinky butt, and poopy head" What kind of a person calls you that? Only an evil one! She will also try and pretend she is an "airhead" so you let your guards down but as soon as you do; WHAM!!!!!!!!!! There goes her loud laugh and she'll get you laughing to. At times she is a good lair too. She will tell this great story about what ever making you get all into it just to later say "Girl I was just fucking with you." So again she's not nice. Oh and if you have a man she will try and take him. Twice she has told my husband she loves him (in front of me) can you believe that? So stay clear of her she is one evil lady. Oh and another thing she's so mean about is she has picked on me for being on oxygen. So she must have a thing about handicaps because how dare her pick on me. I almost forgot something else. She tries to be sweet and give hugs to you but when you pull away she complains that you don't hug her back but little does she know I know that she is trying to pinch my oxygen tubes so I die and then my husband will get my life insurance. She truly is the female version of Dr. Evil. So beware. If you see her, run as fast as you can. Scream for help or yell fire. Just don't get near her because she is very contagious.

Trust me I know because she has become one of my closest friends. So for anyone who may think that this was all true, then you don't know my sense of humor. She truly is one of my closest friends in SD and if I had to leave or get stationed away from SD she would be one friend that I'd miss amongst a bunch more.

3 Things I'm happy for:

1. Yvonne, because she is a good friend and said she's come to my BBQ tomorrow and bring her deviled eggs.
2. All my friends that I have met since being here. They all look past my handicaps and I appreciate that.
3. Spring Break Finally being here.

Your Life is Better Than 68% of All People

You really have things pretty good - so stop a minute and appreciate how great your life is. You likely have a cheery outlook, supportive friends, and plenty to keep you happily busy. You are usually content - and with good reason. You have a lot to be happy about. So when things don't go well, remember that you have it better than most people!

How Does Your Life Compare?

Your Psyche is Blue

You are deeply emotional and very connected to everything (and everyone) around you.By simply understanding other people, you are able to help them heal and let go.While you are a very deep and thoughtful person, you do have a very silly, superficial side. When you are too blue: the weight of the world's problems hangs over you When you don't have enough blue: you lack perspective and understanding

http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourpsychequiz/">What Color Is Your Psyche?

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At What point

At what point do the phobias go away? With phobias I'm talking about my phobias of white vans (can't stand them and HAVE to the sign of the cross every time I'm by one). My phobias of flying, the only way I can is if I'm on Valium and alcohol. My phobia of the dark. Have to have a night light on through out the house. My phobia that if I lose my Ba-Ba's which is just a pillow that I have had forever and a pillow case that my late Grandma gave me something terrible (like death) might happen to me. My phobia that is I don't say my prayers at night or in the morning (what a good catholic girl I am) that something evil will happen.

At what point do my fears go away? My fear of dying is controlling my life ever since the damn doctors told me I had 5 years to live. I've been counting down the days ever since. My fear of being alone, which each day gets worse and I've had 2 panic attacks in the past month. My fear of getting addicted to pain medicine or Valium because the doctors say to them to control my pain and fears. My fear of my husband cheating on me because now he's probably feeling more of a "caregiver" instead of a husband. My fear (valid I think) that anything and everything will happen to Dominic (all moms worry I think). My fear of hurting someones feelings or making them mad so I do what ever it takes to please the world and not me. My fear of not telling the truth about how I REALLY feel to the doctors because I'm sick of doctors and them running test and I'm even more afraid of a transplant all though I know that at this point it is the only cure (which really isn't a cure at all because so much can go wrong with the operation).

At what point do I live the life that I want and not the life that I think people want me to live? I'm so worried about pissing someone off that I bottle everything up inside and in the long run I'm the only one who pays for it. I'm the one who gets the anxiety and stress. When can I just quit caring for others, not write them off but to for once do what think I may need for closure or to gain some sort of sanity back.?

I guess really the answer is never because I honestly can't ever see myself with out the phobias I mentioned, or the fears I have or living a life that might be a bit less drama in it, because I'm never had it. I'm just tired. Tired of living. Not in a suicidal way so don't panic, just tired of being confused about who I am and what life I want or what life I can have if I learned to fix these things.

Emptiness, sometimes that is what I feel and I search all the time for what ever it is I think I need but always come up empty. I just want to know at what point is it that you just simply quit the worrying and start living?

3 things I'm thankful for:

1. These letters that I have been writing to everyone because I'm starting to find out that I'm a pretty good person and good friend. And that I have great friends, and family members to boot.
2. My roomba vacuuming for me because I'm to lazy or actually hate to vacuum but know it needs to be done.
3. 4 days until Spring Break.

long time

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I've been real busy with training for work and then we had my father in law in town so we were busy entertaining. Well we don't really entertain him, he entertains us. LOL!!! But I always feel rude hanging on the computer when we have company so I just check my emails and log off.

All is well though. I'm feeling pretty good other than my anxiety attack I had last week. It was pretty bad, I thought I collapsed my lung again. I think my fears rushed over me because I was all alone and then I started instantly wondering "How are the paramedics going to get in the house when I'm upstairs and the house are locked up." "Am I dying ect..." You know the usual things you think of when your heart is pounding out of your chest and your lungs are collapsing. But I didn't die as you can see. And I just took my Valium and vicodin and called my dad until Mike was able to get home to help me. Marty was a real trooper. I usually don't go to him when it comes to my disease or ailments because he wears his heart on his sleeve, especially when it comes to him "baby girl", but he was the only one. My mom wasn't answering the phone and I just didn't want to be alone until Mike got there. Long story short I'm ok, just had a anxiety attack that scared the shit out of me and probably my dad as well since he had to deal with it for 45 minutes on the phone.

Other than that life is ok. We had an awesome game night again. About 14 people showed up and it seems like everyone had a great time once again. I got to see Summer finally which has been over due. I mean I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years and we live in the same city. Yvonne/Eric stayed the night because it was late and Eric was in no condition to drive. They had went to another party before ours so they had a great night. Thank goodness that Candy and Derek brought Alex because at one point none of us were able to read the cards anymore. I guess that is a great night if I say so myself.

Then Monday I went to dinner with Yvonne and Julie and it was great. It was nice seeing Julie and hanging out with the ladies. We went to Bully's and it was great food, wine and talking. Tuesday, Dominic , Mike and I went and got Dominic shoes and then we ate at Olive Garden. Again it was a great night of good company and good food. So, I've had a great week so far. Today I even busted out the Pilate's tape and actually exercised. It has been a great day. I especially better knock on wood so it last. I think I need to be pinched maybe because I just feel to damn good. Maybe it's all these pills this new Doctor has me on or something but I am excited to feel good real good.

Until later,
Carmen

1. Great friends.
2. Great family
3. great feeling (health wise) that I have had today.

I've lost 19.8 pounds!!!

So I got on the scale today and it read an even number of 135.0. That means that I have lost since Oct 19.8 pounds. I should be jumping up and down about it and trust me I am but I'm just so weak. I still feel that I am 20 pounds heavier because I don't have no muscle. It's partly my fault because what was once my favorite thing to do (exercise believe it or not) I've given it all up because I get so depressed that I am not where I was years ago that I just given up. So I feel bad about just giving it up but I simply can't find the desire to do it. Or the energy to want to do it. I get winded doing the things I really enjoy like bike riding, swim aerobics and weight lifting but I'm going to have to find something to help me get my strength up. I like yoga but I don't feel like I get a real great workout but I guess I am going to start that back up because I have to do something to get this strength back and I'll have to maybe look into pilates as well . So now that I brainstormed that it what I am going to do, which is go find some new yoga cd's and pilates tapes. If anyone knows of some good ones please let me know because I need to get back in shape. I have lost the weight now I need to tone it up.

3 Things I'm happy for:

1. losing 19 pounds
2. The nice long days we've been having.
3. My friend Heidi H. back in CT. because she sent me an email and it was nice hearing from her after so long.

Another Dream cominig true!!!

So I woke up at around midnight talking out loud to Mike about a soldier standing in the corner of our room. He's getting used to these talks with me when I'm sleeping and just tried to wake me up and tell me I was dreaming and that there wasn't any soldiers in our room. Then at around 1:30 am Mike cell phone goes off. Never good news when you get a call that late.

For anyone that doesn't know what my husband does he is part of the Deep submerge Unit that goes and saves subs if/when they ever go down. He is the medical support part of the unit. Any how he comes rushing into the bedroom saying a sub is down and that he has to leave and doesn't know when he's coming home. A few hours later this was reported.


Navy loses contact temporarily with sub off Florida

POSTED: 12:33 p.m. EDT, March 14, 2007
Story Highlights• Navy sends ships, aircraft to hunt for submarine thought missing off Florida coast• Contact resumes with USS San Juan after communications temporarily lost• Officials say there's no problem with the sub; the Navy is investigating incident

NORFOLK, Virginia (AP) -- The U.S. Navy temporarily lost communication with a submarine off Florida's coast and sent ships and aircraft to search for the USS San Juan before the vessel was contacted early Wednesday, military officials said.
There were no problems with the Los Angeles class sub, based in Groton, Connecticut, and the Navy was investigating the incident, the Naval Submarine Force said in a statement.
Units of the USS Enterprise Carrier Strike Group saw a red flare in the area where the sub was operating off Jacksonville, Florida, on Tuesday night, said spokesman Phil McGuinn.
The Navy immediately started searching and also contacted the International Submarine Escape and Rescue Liaison Office in Norfolk to assist with the efforts.
Family members of those on board also were notified.
"Fortunately, the submarine established communications in the early morning hours ... and indicated that there were no problems; hence, units were able to stand down from the search and rescue that was already well under way," the Navy said in a release.

So you tell me. Was my dream trying to tell me something or what? Mike and I were talking about it and he said it was very weird that once again I dreamt of something and then it came true somewhat. Then joked about if I could just get those lottery numbers in my dreams we'd be set. He gave me a compliment in a way he said "you should play the lottery because you are extremely lucky in everything you do. Out side of your health you have great luck so knowing you, you'd probably win." Then I think to myself, maybe even with my health I am lucky. I almost died the second time I collapsed my lung but didn't. And due to my disease it has caused me to really appreciate the value of a friendship, marriage and family. I think without my disease I would of taking those things for granted somewhat. So to me I can say even with my health I'm still one lucky chick.

3 things I'm happy for:

1. The submarine being safe after all and not having to have Mike go away to help save the sub and its sailors.
2. My friend Amy Cave sending me a very sweet letter. Thanks Girlfriend.
3. myself, because I'm maturing each day and like I said I try not to take things for granted anymore.

Let it go part 2:

I have a choice everyday I wake up; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Truthfully this is a challenge I have every morning. Should I throw in the towel and wave my surrender flag to my illness or "man up" and be strong.

Each day is a gift, and as long as I am able to physically get out of bed, I'll try and focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away . Life is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in.. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Sadly no one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. God didn't promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but hopefully you will enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on! When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you. When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. I am a big believer that there's a purpose to life's events, so sit tight and wait for the leason to be learned.

Three things I'm happy for:

1. Training days because it means I can sleep in until 7am and don't have to go to work, just training which is closer to home, so it's a less drive and I'm not stuck in the morning traffic.
2. Dominic being so cute and making me tea this morning before he left for school. That kid is going to be a great husband one day. He really is so caring when he isn't so shy around people.
3. The scale showing me these 4 numbers this morning 137.8. That's a 17 pound drop since I first saw the doctor from Tibet back in Oct.

Let It Go!!!

"LET IT GO..!!!!
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, Caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,and I know whatever God means for me to have. He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...... LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth..... LET THEM GO!!! If someone has angered you ........ LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ..... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...... LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...... LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed . LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying take your hands off of it;then you need to...... LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right, or Get Left .. think about it, and then .... LET IT GO! The Battle is the Lord's God Bless"

A friend of mine wrote this on her myspace blog and it really hit home for me. For so long I have held on to things that are/were toxic in my life. People that hurt me over and over or things that I knew were bad for me I couldn't let go. To me it was or has always been a challenge for me to try and fix things or make things right, but I'm starting to think that somethings can't be fixed. Some people can't change in ways you want them to. So my challenge for all these years should of been to let things go instead of trying to make things work. I'm a healer or fixer my nature. All (I think) Cancers are. We want to be the mommas for everything and everyone. That's just the way I am. But I can no longer do it. Physically I have to learn to let things go. I need to put my energy into things that matter, like my health and my husband and son. Into my friends (true loyal friends), family members that honestly care and to forget about the things that are broken and that can't be fixed and let them go. I think if I can honestly learn to let things go, I will find true happiness in myself. And if I'm happy then it'll pour out of me and make my life happy and my loved ones happy. I can't make anyone happy unless I'm truly happy myself and the only way to do this is to learn to LET THINGS GO.

This will be a mission that I probably will fail numerous times but I think once I get it down pat I will experience true zen so to say and I will have my "AHHHH" moment that Oprah always talks about. I look forward to this journey of letting things go but I know its going to be a tough job for me but one I know will only make me a better person. So as of now I am going to try my hardest to "Let It Go!"

3 things I'm happy for:

1. Laura for posting this on her blog. Thanks girl!
2. Walking outside from work with no jacket on and it feeling warm again.
3. leftovers because tonight I don't feel like cooking.

Week in a flash:

Man where did the week go? One minute its Monday the next it's Friday. I was so busy this week that I barely had time to think, plus I was in a lot of physical pain this week so I pretty much would come home and crash due to my lovely pain meds.

Any how, what's new? How's my life you maybe asking? Well over all everything is pretty much the same give or take. Cleaners came yesterday so it's so nice to come home to a clean house and no dust. I love that lady, she's the best. It really is the best 60.00 I've ever spent.

Mon, and Thur I was in training for work so I got to sleep in until 7am which was awesome. I could of slept in longer if it wasn't for Dominic, but someone has to make sure he's up and off to school. So that was pretty nice, not having to go to work and just do training. The first one was on health and I think it was a waste of my time being that I'm not allowed to even know half the stuff due to the Hepa law. Man, when I was in the hospital and I had to deal with that new law I was so pissed and wanted the nurses, doctors, corpsman anyone just to give out my information. I mean I was so drugged up and really out of my mind and I needed to get my husband off the freaking submarine and no one would help me because legally only I was allowed to give the info and nothing could be done over the phone. Well hello I'm in CA and he's in CT or playing under the sea with the mermaids how else am I going to get the info to him? It really was a pain in the ass. But now working in a school, I think I understand a little bit more and if for some reason my son had to take medication or had an issue I'm not so sure I want just anyone knowing that. It really isn't any ones business other than the people he deals with on a daily basis; such as the nurse, teacher, principal and what not. I'm not sue I'd want some aide that works 3 hours a day (Which is me) knowing all my son business. So I can see why I am not allowed to view that part but why the heck did they send me to the course? Trust me I'm not complaining I just wonder if they truly know what they sign you up for when they sign you up for training. I don't care it was interesting and I had good valid questions but I think I may have been more useful at the school site verses this training. Now the other training was on enrollment, and that was very helpful. Although I'm not the enrollment clerk and she does get paid more than me so I should complain about that but our school is so small we all do each others jobs. That training did help me and once I've done the whole training I should be able to enroll a student if need be. That was a long one and is a 3 part course but it was very helpful.

I also went to see Dr. Alwa my new alternative doctor on Wed. and she said all the parasites I had are gone and my Candina is half way gone. So that I showed drastic improvement in just a week. I still have Candina in my chest and throat area and that is probably why I cough and have chest pain but anything below my boobs is all cleared up. So she was very happy and so was I. She also actually said since I did show such a big change that I could have one serving each of dairy, and fruit added to my diet a day. So I was THRILLED about that. I really missed my fruit. Dr. Alwa would just me prefer eating more protean and veggies and less sugar rather its natural or not. She did increase my pills or one of them she increased and added a new one but I'm been on the new dose and haven't had any bad side effects as of yet. (Knock on wood). She also asked me a series of questions this time ranging from do you think you go to the bathroom normally (enough ) or not, to do you ever experience anxiety or depression or obsessed behaviors. I wasn't sure if I should be honest or not but I decided to be honest and tell her the truth. I mean she is very easy to talk to and she seems to really care. I mean she called me twice last week just to check up on me. I mean what doctor does that? Not any I'm come across so far. So for the first time I admitted to someone other than my blog (you all who read this) and my husband all my fears and obsessive tendencies like praying to live 5 or 6 times a day, fear of dying , panic attacks, worrying when its going to happen and how. Will I hurt anyone if I die outside my house like if I'm driving and what not. All these things I've already expressed to you, you don't need me repeating it. And she sincerely looked at me, and said I can totally understand why you have all this fear and depression, you are dealing with a monster and you are only 33. Then she said "Lets get the Candina under control first and then we will work on all your fears and depression. One thing at a time but the Candina is the most important right now." It felt good to tell a doctor all though I was hesitant at first. I don't want them thinking I'm crazy because I stress about my death all the time. I tell you it's the doctors fault for giving you a time frame. I really wish they wouldn't do that. It sucks because you always have that stuck in your head. ALWAYS!!!!!

So last night I wake up from a dream about turtles. Turtles huh? Yeah I thought the same thing, so I went to my nifty little dream site and looked up the meaning of a dream about turtles and it says this; " Turtle- To see turtles in your dream, suggests that you will make slow but steady progress. You need to slow down and pace yourself. Alternatively, it indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life." I find that funny being that we just had this talk on Wednesday about taking steps to get there (a better (the best I can get) life for me).

I also had a celebrity dream the other day and I'm going to kick myself in the butt for not writing it down because I'm 2 for 2 on those. I told my mom and Michael that for now on I was going to write down these dreams and see if they come true and I had one the other day and I can't think of who or what at this current time. Damn it!!! I know I'm going to hear it on the news and I'm going to be like "I just dreamt that." Oh my 2 for 2 were. 1) I had a dream that Brad Pitt broke up with Jennifer for Angelina while making Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Then like a week later the news aired they did break up. And my second one is a little more twisted and no proof yet but the rumor is out there. I had a dream that Anna Nicole SONS was the father of the baby girl and that he got so screwed up in the head that is why he killed or OD on drugs. Then she felt so sick by her incest that she got depressed and ended up doing the same thing. That is why she was so determined to be buried in the Bahamas and even said "I might as well die now and be buried next to him." I mean she already had her dress picked out and a lot, who does that unless you are already thinking about it? So a few weeks ago I tell my mom that I think her son if the father and explain my reasoning and my mom was like "Oh Carmen that's terrible. Blah Blah Blah," and not 2 days later the news says that there are rumors that her son as well as a few other people are in question for being the babies daddy. See I'm good huh? Man I wish that I could just remember what I dreamt the other day then I'd be set. Right now the only thing coming to mind is a black couple or a black woman but I can't remember who or what. I guess I just need to sleep on it. Yeah that sounds good and maybe then it'll come to me again.

OK this entry has become huge. But I guess if I wait until a week to write in here then that is what happens. OK if my celebrity news comes to me I will write it down this time. Oh one more thing, I found out that I can wear my sons size 18 pants today. LOL!!! Well they are gym pants I don't think I could wear a pair of 18 jeans but he didn't like them because they were "too green" in his eyes so I said well I'm not going to throw them away I'll give them to someone, and then I said hell let me see if my big legs can fit in them and surprisingly they did. And the good news is the length is perfect.

So I have come to the conclusion that 1) I'm not as smart as a 5Th grader (have you seen that show yet) but I did beat all the adults on there. and 2) I am as short or tall depending who you ask as a 5Th grader.

Until later,
Carmen

Three things I'm happy for:

1. It being Friday.
2. Feeling good today, not tired and not too winded.
3. Dreams because they make life more fun.