Good Times and Boxed Whine

Saturday, September 30, 2006

I am 65% open

You Are 65% Open
You're a pretty open person - and you don't mind sharing the good, bad, and sometimes ugly.And while sometimes you do catch yourself blabbing on, you usually exhibit restraint.You're openness is quite refreshing, and it encourages other people to be open with you!
How Open Are You?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The good Patient that I am

Being the good patient that I am, I went to get my echo cardiogram done today. I haven't got one since last year around this time and since I collasped my lung around a year ago Oct. I (and Doctors) just want to wean out the idea that I may have hypertension (over active heart). In the past everything has always come back normal but like I said most of these test were done before my long hospital stay, so its better to redo the test just to make sure.

The lady who did the echo gave a little more signs than normal and gave faces at the screen at times; like she was frowning at something but of course she never said anything like "Oh my God your heart is exploding!" It hurts more now getting them done also. I have had them done in the past, years ago and never felt pain or discomfort but this time and the last I've walked out of there with a sore left boob and my rib cage all around that area is sore because they jam that camera thingy so far up your rib cage that its hard to breath. "Hello lady, don't you see I already wear Oxygen and have trouble breathing?" Getting something jammed into your boob or rib doesn't help. But I try to do my yoga breathing for the hour they do it and just pray that everything comes back normal AGAIN.

I guess if it was too bad they would tell me before I left right? I mean they wouldn't let me walk out of there if I was a walking heart attack would they? No I have more faith in the medical field that they would call me right away and not let me leave if anything was too bad. But I can't help as I leave the office today recalling those terrible words that Dr. Yung said to me (us, husband included). "If you have hypertension, your condition is much much worse and most patients die with in 6 months to a year." I try, try to not think about that but really its hard not to hear that sentence over and over as they lady did her sighs and frowns and jammed the probe into my chest. What if I have that? Will that Dr. from Tibet even be able to help me? I wish my appointment was tomorrow instead of next Friday but I know I can wait, I just can't seem to get those fears out of my head. Waiting really fucking sucks. There should be an easier way for people to get results faster and not have to go through the anxiety of the unknown. Don't these people read my records that are stamped all over them "Sever Anxiety" I mean I even have a prescription for Valium for when ever I feel a panic attack coming on. Sadly I'm to stubborn and proubly should take them a lot more than I should. but in "fear" (here we go again) of getting addicted to them and having to go to Oprah or Dr. Phil to help me kick my addiction, I stay clear of them on most occasions. I probably should have taken one or a half of one before I even went in there so I wouldn't of been worried everytime the lady made a noise. Shit I probably should take one now being that I freaking out while I type this. But I wont instead I go through my stages of "What Ifs" and get a head ache from all the stress, shed a tear or two worrying and them fall asleep. Story of my life.

Pretty ironic that I was taking St. John's Wort and never had any anxiety or a panic attack while on them, actually I felt pretty darm good; mellow and focused, enjoying life and not worrying about the unknown. But Dr. Shah nipped that in the butt because he said it was proven in some study that St. John's Wort was interferring in how allergy medicine were released into the body. Man I love the guy but I just don't get it. Quit taking a natural herb because it messes with your zertec and singular but here take these Valiums instead. "Hello, doesn't that effect anything? Like my ability to drive a car or to function at work?" Guess not. (Yeah right)

So I'll count my days until I go see the doctor from Tibet and hopefully he'll be able to help me with everything. My lungs, allergies, acid reflux and my anxiety (oh and my weight gain from all the side effects from these meds) . Or maybe he'll tell me I'm a helpless mess and to throw in the towel. Hope not but I guess we'll all have to stay tuned wont we....

Carmen San Diego

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Your Social Anxiety Level is 32%

Your Social Anxiety Level: 32%
You have low social anxiety.Of course very unfamiliar or strange situations make you uncomfortable.But you can pull through and handle almost any social occasion with grace.
Are You Socially Anxious?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Calling all 30 year olds

San Diego has been a good place for us. I can’t complain a whole lot. I mean beautiful weather, barely rains. Warm days and cool nights. Great tacos and ok Chinese. Seaworld, Disney not to far away, great concerts and beaches, and minutes away from Mexico. It really could be considered paradise to some people. Me even; if I don’t take into consideration, the traffic, gas prices and the lack of support we have here. Don’t get me wrong, we have support. We have in laws and cousins out the wood works for Dominic and both Mike parents are with in driving distance so again you really can’t ask for to much more. But what I’m venting again about (yes I have done this already) is the lack of friends. We’ve been here for a year now and still haven’t met too many people. We are so used to having so many “couple” friends that it was weird when we had a weekend with just the 2 or 3 of us home alone. Now it’s the opposite. I really miss just having people over and hanging out. You know maybe over for dinner or order a pizza and watch a movie, some sort of sport if it was up to the guys and/or play games. Here we don’t have that.

Maybe it’s the whole big city living where everyone has to be on the go all the time. Has to go to a bar or pub or even a night club to have fun. For us or me that gets old after awhile. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a home body by any means (I’m turning into one here though) but sometimes you have to kind of relax and unwind. Seems like the people we meet here there isn’t time for that. I don’t know maybe we are looking in the wrong places for friends. I’m not sure. I mean Mike’s work is very small. He works with like 8 guys and most of them are single. So they are at a different chapter in their lives. I mean they are the ones that want to go clubbing and think it’s probably dull to have get togethers at each others houses. I work with a very small group of people as well. And one is very young 24 and so she’s like Mike’s guys at his work, she wants to go out and party in Mexico and go to clubs and what not. I don’t blame them I mean I was doing the same thing at their age. It just seems that we are having a hard time finding people in our age group. You know 30’s even late 20’s or 40’s would be ok. People who have already did the bar scene and enjoy a good conversation over a 10 cover charge to get into a bar and an 8 beer to boot. Where are the people our age? Do they not live in San Diego? Honestly we have only a few friends that are our age and that would be interested in just hanging out. They are Art/Jenny and Cheryl/John. My friend Honey is also into hanging out but to track her down takes forever, and another friend Annette but she has two girls that keep her very busy as well.

Saturday we are having people over. Rain or Shine and of course those will be some of the few that show up probably but it just seems like to live in San Diego you have to be in your early or mid 20’s or going through a mid life crisis since they say 40 is the new 20. Well actually saying that kind of gives me hope. I’ll be 40 in 7 years so I guess at that age I will do a 180 and want to go clubbing again. I guess it could be worse I could be living where it snows still and have to worry about that. Life isn’t all that bad. I just really miss hanging with fun people. Maybe its homesickness, I don’t know. Hell I’ve moved so much, it’s hard for me to even know what home is anymore.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

A movie meme...

1. The last movie you saw in a theater, and current release movie you still want to see.
That would be 'Superman'... and I still want to see 'Jackass 2'.

2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing.
'Goal' (its a heart warming soccer movie).

3. A movie that made you laugh out loud.
Wedding Crashers.
4. A movie that made you cry.
Hmm... So many do but 'The Green Mile' It was uncontrollable, snot and everything.

5. A movie that was a darling of the critics, but you didn't think lived up to the hype.
I actually don't have much of an answer here, because usually movies that are darlings of the critics are not even remotely of interest to me (agreed) but I will say "Brokeback Mountain' It wasn't gay enough for me and/or all the hype it got for a "gay" movie.

6. A movie you thought was better than the critics.
Definitely "White Chicks"... LOL!!!

7. Favorite animated movie.
"Lady and the Tramp" and "The Corpse Bride".

8. Favorite Disney villain.
Definitely Captain Hook.

9. Favorite movie musical.
Chicago I think.

10. Favorite movies of all time (up to five).
The color Purple
The Green Mile
The Outsiders
The Notebook
The Godfathers' (all of them)

Thanks to haggardmom for the tag, and I cheerfully pass this on to Rex and Amy C..

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Oh the joys of having an old ladies body.

So we have planned all week to have friends over for cocktails and appetizers since we all haven’t got together in a long time. Sadly I had to cancel. I have been fighting all week something with my chest. Wasn’t really a cold, because I never really felt achy or had a fever or anything, I think its more something to do with my allergies. So, all week Mike and I have been planning and getting ready for a night filled with, junk food (yes I’m going on that dumb counting calorie diet on Monday), booze, friends and laughter. Inside we had hoped for the best (me not to get any sicker) but expected the worst. So last night we went to bed early, shut the windows and only used fans in the room so all the outdoor pollen wouldn’t come in and bother me anymore, and actually spelt to about 8:30am; again hoping that I would feel better for our fun filled evening. But of course our luck wasn’t on our side; I still woke up coughing, winded and with all the signs of my allergies bothering me. Anyone who has allergies knows what I’m talking about, ears ringing/hurting, teeth aching, eyes itching, winded and chest feeling tight. We still ignored all the signs trying to plan for our big night. We got the laundry done, beds made, dusted, vacuumed, and windows windexed. Clean up the yard and went and bought some wine, rum and vodka. So its noon now and instepreparingarring the toasted raviolis which is a huge St. Louis appetizer I wanted to share with all my CA friends, I am laid up on the couch, overdosed with Benedril and cold medicine and texting, calling, and emailing everyone that had planned to come. Man, I hate myself sometimes. I wish I didn’t have allergies or lung issues especially when we plan and look forward to having people over. Oh well, my health is more important but I’m sure let down about tonight. We’ll reschedule for another week but its so hard now with Dominic’s football season, so it may not be until mid October until we can do it again but we’ll do it.

So tonight instead of everything we had planned, I think we are going to enjoy another night watching movies (if there isn’t some great football game Mike has to watch) still eating toasted raviolis, and maybe having a glass of wine or two. Instead of getting dressed I’ll take my shower now and put on my favorite PJ’s and call it a night. Who knows maybe a day of nothing will cure my dumb allergies enough so that tomorrow we can actually get out of the house and go to the pool or the beach before the water gets to cold.

Itching my eyes and wiping my runny nose,

You belong in Fall

You Belong in Fall
Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times...You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall bringsWhether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you
What Season Are You?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I got a sign

I’m not as religious as I should be. I mean I believe in God of course but I don’t go to church very often. I do however pray about 3 times a day and try my hardest to live my life the way I believe God would want me to. I screw up a lot by saying bad words or by sometimes wishing bad things on people who have done terrible things to me in the past (only one person so you can relax it isn’t anyone that would be reading this), and by speeding, yelling sometimes at my family, lying sometimes to people because it’ll save an argument or a overrated debate or conversation, and turning to food or alcohol as a stress reliever; you know all the things that we are all guilty of once in awhile. But beyond all that I do think that God is on my side and thinks I’m an alright person. If he didn’t like me he would of took my life a year ago, when I almost died the second time I collapsed my lung. It would have been easy just to take me then. But he didn’t and because of that I believe he likes me, flaws and all.

Anyhow, I’ve been asking him several times a day to give me an answer or a sign about what I should do regarding my upcoming treatment. Do I go through another round of chemo or do I just live like I have been lately medicine free and just hope that the deterioration goes slowly and I’m able to enjoy a few more year with my husband and son. I’ve got numerous emails from everyone regarding my last visit to UCSD and most everyone said that they would pray for me but that God has a plan for all of us and he will give me the answer. Well I think I got my sign.

The other day I was at work and I became more winded than normal. It could have been my allergies or someone’s perfume or dust. Who knows with me, some days are just worse than others. So for the first time I had to wear my oxygen while at work. A lot of people haven’t seen or knew I wore oxygen because I don’t use it at work. So I got the stares and all the questions but like I said I don’t care anymore if people ask me because I feel that I need to educate as many people as I can on this disease because it is so rare and not many people know or have even heard about it. So after a few people talk to me here comes the school psychologist Morgan Rose. I really like her, she seems very down to earth and easy to talk to but when she came up to me I became very defensive at first. Probably because I had just had that terrible experience with Dr. Yung that I was just like “Oh here she comes, she is going to want to observe me and talk to me and ask me questions on how I handle this and what not.” Instead she said “I want to give you a number to this Tibetan doctor that has his own healing center but also works hand and hand with UCSB the other medical branch of UCSD.” Then she went on to explain that she had breast cancer and that the first time she went throw traditional medicine, you know radiation and chemotherapy. It went into remission for a few years but then it came back. At this time a friend of hers gave her the number to this Tibetan doctor. She decided to go with this type of treatment with being overseen by western medical doctors and 7 years later (I believe she said) she is cancer free still. She only used herbs and natural medicine and didn’t go through the toxins that chemo has. At first I was in shock that it actually worked for her but then I was hesitant to even look into it because there is so much controversy on natural medicines and most doctors will talk it down. But then again I was like “What do I have to lose by simply talking to him.”

After work I went home, checked the website, sent it to my mom, dad, and Michael for there input and all of them agreed “What do I have to lose.” Michael even talked to one of the internal medical doctors at work and he agreed that I should go and check it out because there so much about the human body that we don’t know about and maybe an alternate medicine will give us some answers or even a cure.

So I called and made an appointment because I feel if I don’t go and at least hear what he has to say I will kick myself in the ass later because I’ll always wonder “what if”. Plus doing the research on him, I really like the fact that he also works with legit hospitals not just some back alley clinic.

So back to my sign from God. I really think that this is his sign, which Morgan (the psychologist) and I were at the right place at the right time. One, she would of never known I was sick if she hadn’t seen me with my oxygen on. She even said that to me. Also what was strange that day other than me wearing my oxygen when normally I don’t is that she was at our school on a day she wasn’t scheduled to work. HUMMMMMM!!!! So I was winded, wore my O2, and she was there on her off day and she just happened to walk by at a time that I had my oxygen on. All signs to me, I think. For some reason I think this is the sign I’ve been asking God for. Maybe its not and I’m looking more into it that I should be but I just find it rather weird that everything that happened that day normally wouldn’t. It’s a sign, it has to be.

So I go Oct. 6th for my first visit and I’m actually really excited to talk to him. Maybe he will tell me there is nothing that he can do for me at this point. Who knows? I just feel that this was a sign and that I need to at least see him once and see what he has to offer before I start another round of terrible side effects with chemo. and those terrible pills called prednisone, that screw up your liver, cause weight gain and give you a “moon face”. I will still get my echo cardiogram done like Dr. Yung asked for but I will hold off on any medicine until I speak to the Tibetan doctor. I’ll keep you updated and tell you all about my visit to him once I have it. Oh here’s the link to his clinic. Also Morgan’s testimonial is on there as well. Click on services, testimonials and then “2nd time breast cancer patient shares her healing journey”.


Friday, September 15, 2006

You are 12% slacker

You Are 12% Slacker
You are anything but a slacker. You're truly a go getter.You never let laziness get in the way of living your life - and you can't stand to see it in others.
Are You a Slacker?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

10 years later and he's still as big...

R.I.P. you sexy man. I'll see you when my time is up. For any of you who don't know who he is here's a great bio about him. I loved him, I mostly loved his poetry and watching him in movies. If you can get beyond the tattoos, the lyrics he choose, and the hype of being a rapper I think you'd find him as a deep, deep man. I just think he was one of those guys that had a huge heart (from watching interviews and reading a lot on him) but grew up in the wrong area. I mean he was born in a prison for Christ sake. I know people can change and shouldn't use their community as an excuse for the f'ups they did in life but just like he said in one of his last songs "I see no changes." Maybe it is my whole try to turn a thug into a gentleman I always in fascinated by him. I wanted so much for him to turn into a "good guy" after he did him prison time and still feel that he soften up a bit after he did him time and mature into a more mellow man. If he wasn't;t gunned down in 1996 I think we would of seen him blossom. He would of seen "changes"; the changes that he rapped about.

Here's the bio on him:

Tupac Shakur will go down in history as the rapper who always lived up to his wild reputation. He rapped of gunfights, rough sex, gang rivalries and "Thug Life," and was arrested, jailed, shot and later killed over these very issues. Always known as a gifted rapper and a brilliant lyricist, Tupac was often touted as being the Marvin Gaye of hip-hop, complex and talented, but a "Trouble Man" to the core. He parlayed his music career into a successful film career and was one of the hardest working men in show biz, churning out five albums, five films and numerous guest appearances in just under five years. Tupac lead a full life and accomplished a great deal before his murder in 1996.
Born in jail and raised in Oakland, Calif. by a former member of the Black Panthers, Tupac began his career as a back up dancer for Digital Underground, a Northern California rap group best known for their P-Funk inspired sex songs. Soon, the charismatic Tupac began rapping in the group and left to pursue a solo career. His brilliant 1991 debut, 2Pacalypse Now, featuring "Brenda's Having A Baby," was released to parental uproar, threats of censorship and a slew of controversies. The shooting of a Texas police officer to his music and a public admonishment by Vice President Dan Quayle, quickly made Tupac the most controversial rapper in hip-hop. The album set the tone for Tupac's soon-to-be platinum formula: a mix of hardcore, gun toting, misogynist, Thug Life anthems, and a tender, caring, troubled side that exposed the light side of Tupac's darker image. He also began a successful acting career with the equally controversial film Juice, a movie that opened to gunfire in theaters and censorship of the movie poster. Tupac followed up his debut with the powerful Strictly 4 My N.I.G.G.A.Z., a hardcore masterpiece that responded to the controversies surrounding him and featured appearances by the other two most controversial West Coast rappers, Ice-T and Ice Cube. It also spawned two breakthrough singles "Keep Ya Head Up" and "I Get Around." Tupac also starred in the Janet Jackson vehicle Poetic Justice, another glimpse into the vulnerable side of this multi-faceted artist and Above The Rim, a basketball movie with a soundtrack produced by former N.W.A. rapper, and current A-list rap producer Dr. Dre. However, a slew of controversy ensued when Tupac was arrested in a variety of incidents including an assault and a rape charge, and was shot and wounded while recording tracks in the studio. Tupac recorded his next record, Me Against The World, for Dre's Death Row Records, but found himself in prison when it was released. Featuring the hit single "Dear Mama," Me Against The World was a moodier, more introspective album, finding Tupac looking and sounding less like a thug and more like the sensitive man he claimed to have become. Once out of prison, the freshly energized rapper spent months in the studio recording his double album opus, the first of its kind in hip-hop, All Eyez On Me , which featured a duet with Dr. Dre titled "California Love" and guest turns by Snoop Doggy Dogg, George Clinton, Roger Troutman and Method Man. He also managed to shoot two more films (Gridlock'd and Gang Related), make numerous guest appearances on other rappers' records and record a pseudo-follow up entitled The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory before he was gunned down in Las Vegas in 1996. He death was a major blow to the rap community and heated up the already steaming East vs. West rivalry. Many people believed his death was orchestrated by rival label Bad Boy and their main players Sean "Puffy" Combs and rapper Notorious B.I.G., who was later gunned down himself in Los Angeles. These theories remained rumors in the already legendary, iconoclastic story of Tupac Shakur.
Tupac recorded so much material before he died that more Tupac albums have been released since his death that were released while he was alive, thanks to his mother Afeni Shakur's efforts to keep his memory and music alive. These posthumous albums include R U Still Down? (Remember Me?), Lost Tapes 1989, One Million Strong, Still I Rise, Rose That Grew From Concrete, Until The End Of Time, and 2002's Better Dayz, along with his one disc released under the Makaveli alias, Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory. A prophetic and prolific artist to say the least, Tupac led a career of constant controversy, but one also filled with many accomplishments and achievements. He is considered a hero to some, a martyr to others, and a legend by all.
Written by Frank Meyer

Your Personality Cluster is Extraverted Thinking
You are:
Organized and logical - a master at puzzlesCompetitive in almost any arena of lifeObjective when necessary, but passionate about what you truly loveIntolerant of excuses and incompetence

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Pretty weird that...

Today's' horoscope read: If you can put your big ideas in a nutshell today, you can get the support you need.

Thank you all for the emails you have sent me so far. I guess my horoscope was pretty true today.

UCSD trip

Some people are wondering what happened at my trip yesterday to see Dr. Yung at UCSD. Well I went there with a lot of positive feelings and excited in hopes to having some great news about starting the process of getting on the transplant list and/or maybe a new medicine that might help slow the process of the fibrosis growing all over my lungs. Instead Mike and I both walked out teary eyed. Me more so than him because he NEEDS to be strong when I am not.

I guess you can say Dr. Yung doesn’t have the best side manners. If anyone has seen any episodes of House, well lets just say I almost felt like I was living one of those shows. Anything that I thought would possibly be positive he changed it to a negative. For example.

1.I thought the fact that me feeling so much better on oxygen was a good thing. He said that the fact that I comment that I feel much better on O2 scares him because that means that my body “really” needs it and it not getting it. Well no shit Sherlock, I’ve been complaining of windedness for 4 years now and no one ever wanted to put me on it. He did say that the best medicine for me at the current time is oxygen and that I should wear it all the time or much as I possibly can stand it because it is only hurting my lungs and heart if I don’t wear it and they are working in overdrive to get my body the oxygen it needs. I told him I don’t think at this point I can wear it anymore than I already do. I pretty much wear it 15 out of the 24 hours a day. The few hours I don’t wear it is at work for my 3 hours when I’m just sitting at a desk and when I take a nap or sleep. I start with it on but wake up with it off. So I must take it off in my sleep.

2.He was very clear on the fact that Scleroderma isn’t curable that everything researchers have tried to get to work hasn’t work and so people do die with the disease. Everyone is different depending on how severe they have it but once it affects your organs such as mine, you pretty much will die from it. I’ve never have had a doctor tell me such horrible news, or simply be so blunt about it. He pretty told me that “Look there is medicine that helps some (20% to be exact) but odds are against you, and unless by some weird circumstance that I get hit by a car or lightening you will die from this. It just a matter of when.” Well again I already new that. My family and I have already talked and discussed what I want to happen and how to do things after I’m gone, but to stay positive and not to focus on my death because who knows it could be tomorrow or it could be ten years from now.

3. My options now are to one do nothing and just keep on trucking like I have been and hope that I live a long life or get a miracle. Or two to start another round of chemo. and prednisone and see if I tolerate it better this time, which I have to figure out if I can tolerate it anyhow because theses medicines are something that I will be on for the rest of my life after a transplant anyhow. Or another type of medicine if I have pulmonary hypertension, but first I need to get another echo cardiogram done to wean out pulmonary hypertension. In the past I have had echo cardiograms and everything has come back normal, but he was worried because my heart was racing faster when he checked it but that was after he gave me all this bad news. Hello I think anyone’s heart would be racing.

4. Regarding a transplant he wants to hold off on that first because he wants to see if I one improve with the medicines (which only 20% do) and also to see if I tolerate them better now since they are 2 or the 3 pills I will be taking after a transplant for the rest of my life. Also he said 80% of people are turned down for lungs for some reason or another. One of the biggest ones is weight. He said they can’t be more than 20% over their ideal body weight, which isn’t a big deal now but if I get put on prednisone again it will be because for anyone who doesn’t know this, it’s a steroid and most people gain weight. The last time I was on it I gained 40 pounds in 2 months. I’ve lost 20 of those pounds but am still trying to lose the extra 20 that I gained from the last time so weight isn’t too much of a problem now but it sure will be if I have to take that fucking steroid pill again. Then he gave out other percentages and what not. He said with a transplant 1 out of 5 die in the first year. After that 50% die within the first 5 years and from there 70% die within 7-10 yrs.

So by reading this you can tell one he wasn’t the nicest guy. Two he loves his %’s (I used to until I met him), three he didn’t really talk highly about oxygen, medicine or transplants. Three he didn’t learn in his schooling about teaching the patient to stay positive and that that is a huge help in someone recovery or health in general.

Mike and I have had a day to sort of absorb what he told us, and we are hoping that once he reads my medical records and sees that I wont take death as an often that he will lighten up a bit. Maybe he wont, maybe he’s the type that just lays it all out on the floor for you and that’s it. I mean I really didn’t go to him to be my new friend, I went to him to give me the best medical advice I could get and supposedly he’s the man so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. I’ve just never have had a doctor be so straight forward about it in the past. I mean now if I even shed a tear to Dr. Shah my other pulmonary doctor, he’ll crack a joke and always make me feel better about myself. Maybe he’s not the best medical doctor around but at least when I leave his office I feel some sort of hope for me and am not emotionally beat up. Sadly I have to see Dr. Yung no matter what because he is the “lung transplant guy.” He is the one that does them and he’s the one that denies “80% of the people looking to get new lungs” as he put it to us yesterday. So I’ll have to learn to toughen up more I guess, try to stay positive even if he makes it hard to do and not let him get my hopes down.

I am going to try the medicines, even though I may not tolerate them again and hope to not get sick and tired on them all the time like before, but I am also going to pray, hope, wish whatever I can that this time I will be the 20% that does improve and that, that will get put into remission a bit longer than I was before. And I am going to go back to counting my calories like I did before when I lost my 20 pounds and suck it up. It’s better to lose what I can now that to be trying when I’m also trying to get on the transplant list. I’m also going to keep living my life, if I only have 6 months to 3 years left like he mentioned then I’m not going to live the rest of my life in a bubble inside. Hells know I’m going to enjoy it and just pray for a miracle to happen. I do believe in miracles and hopefully I haven’t pissed God off to much for him not to give me one….

Sunday, September 10, 2006

interesting survey

1. A relative just commited a very serious crime, do you turn them in?If it's something like drug possession, no.. I’d just lecture them. Murder or something like that then I believe I would. Hopefully I won’t ever have to deal with that.

2. Your lover of 10 years has cheated on you, do you stay or go?I believe I’d leave but again I’d hope I wouldn’t have to deal with that situation.

3. How do you hope you will die?Quickly. in my sleep would be the best answer I think.

4. Are you afraid of dying?A little, more for what will happen to my family but not so much of me dying.

5. Recall your worst nightmare, what was it about?I have so many nightmares that its hard to remember them all but one I have a lot is a white van pulling up besides me as I was walking on a sidewalk. A man ran up on me, grabbed me and then him and his two guys friends rap me in the van then throw me out in the street and drive off.

6. Your best friend makes a move on your lover, how do you handle that?I think I’d kick her ass and if I couldn’t then I’d fight dirty. I don’t think my “best” friends would ever do that but you never know I guess.

7. If there were a fountain of youth, would you drink from it?Yes I loved my youth. But like Allie said there probably is a catch.

8. If a magic potion could make someone love you, would you slip it to them?Yes but I’d probably give it to the wrong person by accident and have some crazy stalking me or something.

9. What if a potion could make your enemy miserable?Yes, only one male I have in mind. I know its bad for the karma. But sweet revenge would be nice.

10. You're in the woods, alone, at night...are you honestly not afraid?HELL No , I saw the Blair Witch Project, I’d be scared as shit.

11. If your bf/gf had to move out of state, would you leave your family?I already left my family for that very reason. Situation wouldn't quite apply to my life anymore.

12. And if you had to move, could you leave your lover and family?I would never leave my child.

13. You're never going to see your lover again, what do you need them to know? I'd let him know that I was sorry for being such a difficult person.

14. An envelope is on the ground, it's full of money. Do you keep it?No I’d turn it in hoping that the person gave me something for being honest.

15. You witness a crime, do you call the police or get involved in any way?Yes. Of course no matter what, I’d get involved if I personally witnessed it.

16. Is abortion ever an option?Definitely, I’m pro- choice.

17. If you were drafted into the war, would you serve or try to avoid serving?I'm against conscription, but if I was drafted and couldn't get out of it, then I'd do what I had to do. I guess thank God they’ve never drafted woman because I am not sure what I’d do. I’m a coward to war and guns but I’d serve my country if I had to. Man that’s a deep/tough question.

18. If you could say one thing to President Bush right now what would it be?"I think you are a dispicable failure and embarrassment of a human being and you have disgraced the office of the President to the point where I am not sure if it will ever recover. I am only thankful my children are not old enough to have to actively live through the political rancor, cynicism, and downright hopelessness you have foisted upon this country, but I am sure with the poor governing trends you and your unethical administration are setting, they won't have to wait too long. Oh yeah- and it's pronounced nuCLE-AR." Well I wont say I feel as deeply as Allie does but I will leave it because she sounded pretty darn good to me.

19. Was the 9/11 attack planned by our own government?I highly doubt it

20. A parent confides in you that they are gay. Now how do you view gay rights?Same way I've always viewed them. There is nothing wrong with being gay, and they should have all of the rights and privileges that the rest of us have.

21. A loved one on life support for years, could you finally let them go?Man these questions are causing all sorts of drama in my house. Good thing we are drinking and can blame alcohol on our answers tomorrow. Yes. Because I’d get his life insurance. LOL!! No, I’d not take him off. When God is ready he’ll take him away. You just never know when God is going to give you a miracle.

22. You are on life support, what would you want a loved one to do about it?Like I said in #21 I’d want God to take me when he was ready for me. Rather I’m on life support for one day or 100 years. He will take me when he’s ready. If he wanted me dead he’d have me already. Let him decide not anyone else.

23. A friend just fell over a very high bridge, do you jump to save them?What friend of mine would be on a “very high bridge” with me? Any real friend would know I’m scared of heights.

24. If you honestly were abducted by aliens, would you ever tell?Well, if they brought me back then sure! lol I mean, who else would remove the anal probe? Hahahaha Again I agree with you Allie.

25. You've contracted a deadly disease, how would you live your life thereafter?I’d live my life like it was my last. I wouldn’t have any regrets and just have fun for the rest of my life. Doing things I love and have never done but wanted to do.

26. Your child has only awhile to live; do you still enroll them in school?Not unless that was something they wanted. Again I agree with you Allie. If need be I’d home school or I’d do what was on question #25.

27. How would you feel if you met your idol and they ended up being rude?I would be devastated it Mathew Mcconaughey I always picture him to be a perfect southern gentleman

28. According to the tale, was Eve wrong for eating and sharing the apple?No.

29. If the only way to pay a ransom was to commit a crime, would you?If it was meant to protect my son, husband, brother, mom or dad then yes. I’d have to.

30. Think of who you love most, and describe them in one word...loyal

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I'm only 33% angry

You Are 33% Angry
You're occasionally angry, but it's really not an issue.While you may give in to your temper once and a while, you're pretty mellow.And as long as your anger doesn't effect your relationships, then it's probably in check.You know that anger is a bad habit - and you don't engage in it often.
How Angry Are You?

I guess all those St. John's Wort pills and psychology classes paid off because I'm not as bitter as I thought. Go me!!!

Carmen San Diego

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Life is one big circle

It's funny how life is one big circle. Seems like things roll around and come back to you in full circle. I'm saying this because I have lately notice that friends that I lost over the years, just from being in different places or directions in life are now back in my life. Old high school friends I' m talking about and old Navy friends that we had back in Key West are back in our lives. Funny how life is like that. You loose touch with people and then after years (close to 15 for some) they enter back into your life. You see I'm found this great place called "myspace" I'm sure you all or atleast most of you have already heard of this place but I was never up on it until July. Since then I swear I've ran into more old friends from highschool that I always wondered what happened to them but never knew how to get a hold or find them. Actually if it wasn't for myspace I would not of found Dominic's Godmom again. We lost touch pretty much after the baptism isn't that terrible? Ten years later I find her and now she's back in our lives again just like she never left. I also found Emily who was my dearest and closest friend in highschool and right after highschool, I lived with her for a year or so after highschool and I always felt like a piece of me was gone when we lost touch. Well again I found her or actually her brother on myspace and now she's back into my life and I feel great having two very special women in my life that I lost touch with back in it.
I've also have found so many other highschool friends that I thought I'd never see again. I actually at times am dreaming that I'm back in highschool and I have to pinch myself to remind myself that it's been a long time since 1992. It's just cool that we all have found each other again and are talking and catching up on eachother lives. Sort of like an online reunion. Some people I thought would of died off because they were the biggest drug users in highschool and now they are moms and dads and have a normal life. Other did the complete opposite. They were so against it back then but now are covered in tattoos and say they smoke, drink and do drug just to start their daily life. Others I thought would never leave our home town of Key West are living else where and haven't returned since graduation and some who swore that they'd leave ASAP are still down there.
To me its just a complete amazement how all our lives ended up. Back in 1992 probably none of us imagined any of our lives would be the way they are now. Or more so we never imagined eachothers lives would end up the way they were. I just love it. I love meeting new friends but I love even more reconnecting with old ones.
Funny life's circles. I swore off country music after I moved out of Emily's place back in 1993 ish and now I am listening to it as I type. Maybe it is just bringing back old memories, good memories of when I was healthy and feeling alive and well. I still have those days. Actually while I was making my pasta for dinner tonight, I found myself swaying to the music. No one would of ever new I was one big handicap if it wasn't for the oxygen plug wrapped up in my bun of hair so I don't get it caught in the gas stove. I hope its not depression; the reason why I'm listening to country because back then I only listen to it when I had some silly highschool crush or Navy boy crush that went sour. Nah, I not depressed I feel to good right now to be depressed. It must be just wanting to think of old times and good health.

Well they say you only are as sick as you feel. Well today I don't feel bad at all so I guess positive thinking is a good thing, because I have a smile on my face and I'm ready to two step with anyone who wants to dance....

Monday, September 04, 2006

Happy Labor Day

There isn't much labor going on in labor day. Today all our company that stayed with us for Eric's (my brother in law) 40th birthday party is now gone and so we are having a very relaxing Monday doing nothing but watching TV and reading. I really want to take a nap because I haven't been sleeping all that well but I fear that if I do now I wont be able to sleep tonight. I'm holding off because tomorrow I start my real hours at work which are O'dark hundred for me. I have to be up at around 5:45am and leave the house about an hour later to make sure I am at work on time at 7:30am. I haven't been to work that early since about a year ago when I worked at the school for autistic children. So tomorrow should be interesting on who I do that early and if I actually wake up on time. The good thing is I enjoy the job so far so it does make it a lot easier to get up and head to work.

Dominic has been sick and I swear he is blowing his nose so much that I am starting to think that he is blowing his brain out. I never knew a kid could have that much snot in his head. Today he is feeling a bit better but his voice is gone and he still loves to blow his nose around me so my gag reflex kicks in, which makes him laugh at me. Oh the joys he gets making his mom sick. The things he will do to achieve that.

I haven't been writing in her as much and I really hate it because I feel I'm starting to not have an imagination. I guess it's just writers block but I don't like the lack of motivation I'm showing for this and also my scrap books. I hope it's just a phase but it seems to be happening a lot more these days. I really need to get a firecracker up my ass or something and finish up the scrapbooks that I have pictures to add to and start writing in here again. What I need to do is to find another website that gives you writing ideas or something because this mental block is driving me nuts. That's it. I've talk enough about it, that is what I am going to do now. I'm going to search for a website. If anyone knows of one please tell me if not, I'm sure I can find one by googling. So maybe I'll enter a new post later on if I can find a site. Until then.

Happy Labor day,