Sunday, May 07, 2006
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
I would have played more as a child instead of wanting to grow up and be an adult.
I would of played more with Pete Manzo even though he had green teeth and stuck up for him more when the neighborhood kids made fun of him because of his teeth. He was always nice to me but I wanted to fit in with the cool kids. I also would have not made fun of the mentally retarded kid who would yell and rock back and forth on the balcony, just to fit into the cool club.
I would of rode my bike and swung on the swings, played with Barbies and focused on my girlscouts, and not steal the church's communion and then go play church in the woods. I would of broke up the fights between Peter and Laura when they fought and not been scared to butt in because I was friends with both of them.
I would of enjoyed my youth and lived each moment to the fullest.
If I could turn back time I would not be such a follower as a teen and more of a leader.
I would not have sneaked alcohol from the Deacon Kirby's house with his granddaughter or my house to be cool.
I wouldn't of been so confused about am I black or white and settled for the between, caramel.
I would not have fallen for every guy that gave me attention and instead focused more on my studies and dancing and softball.
I wouldn't of ran away from home just because my parents grounded me or done drugs because of peer pressure, I would of held my head up high and proved that I'm better than that.
I wouldn't of lost my virginity to an idiot and fell for all his stupid lines that he gave to me and all my friends who also lost their virginity to. I would of waited for my Mr. Right and not my Mr. Wrong.
I would of been nicer to Billy probably my first love who I thought I had wrapped around my finger. For once I helped someone, I was the leader, I helped him get his GED, and stop smoking pot and get a job and later join the Army, but in that time, I became one of the cool "mean girls"; I had all the power, I was mean to him and gave him the toughest love anyone would ever want. I was bitter and plain old mean to him, because I knew he owed me so much because of everything I did for him. He went off to the Army and as any good girlfriend I would write and call him and support his every more, but every time he came to visit I'd be mean again. I'm not sure why but I was. I just new no matter what he'd come back, if I was mean or not. Finally a friend Emily told me what a bitch I was to him and opened my eyes and so I decided his next visit, I'd be different I'd be nice, and tell him just how much he meant to me. Gulf Storm happened and I wasn't given that chance. He died, and all I have are memories of me being mean to him, and all he left this world with are those memories as well.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't of joined the Navy twice. I would of joined and stayed in atleast 4 years so they could of paid for my college degree. I would of traveled the world as much as I could in the four years of the Navy life and not stopped in Miami and married the first Cuban that gave me attention. Instead I would of married once to the husband I have now the love of my life and had his children and lived happily ever after just as I am now.
Going through my divorce I would of hugged my son more instead of putting my sorrows in alcohol, and pot and racking up my credit cards knowing that I couldn't later afford it.
I would of loved my figure the way it was and not taken Phen Phen to lose the weight. I would of remembered that beauty is not just on the outside but on the inside as well.
I would of spent more time with my sisterhood of the traveling pants and not so much partying and taking E to get over my depression of a failed marriage.
If I could turn back time I would learn to forgive and forget and not just one.
I'd be closer to my brother in law and sister in law instead of fucking it up the first chance I got. I'd be closer to other extended family members and not worry about who's feelings I may hurt.
I'd worry about how I feel and not how my mother, father, brother, son, aunt, uncle, cousin, in- laws and so forth feel because they don't have these feelings eating at them inside; I do.
If I could turn back time I'd get rid of this dumb disease and be able to enjoy life more. I wouldn't get winded walking upstairs or inclines. I wouldn't of collasped a lung (twice) and I would not have to worry when the next time I collasped another one. I wouldn't worry about when I'm going to die and if people will miss me and where will I be buried or if they will cremate me. If they cremate me where will they throw my ashes, or will they put me in an urn? I'd spend every moment laughing instead of gasping for air. I wouldn't have to cancel plans because I'm winded. I would not have to go to doctors and get blood taken and test done. I'd be healthy and not have to worry if I'll wake up again once I'm asleep.
If I couldn't turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing, because if I did I wouldn't be me and this wouldn't be my life, my story.
posted by carmen @ 5:59 PM