House and True Life

So lately I've been watching these shows on MTV called True Life. Have you ever heard of it? It's a show that sort of sums up certain illness and interviews people with this illness or disorder or what ever the topic is. Sometimes it talks about people who use steroids to get bigger, or who have bulimia or anorexia. Well the other day they had a show on OCD. This really caught my attention because it does effect my family. We believe my mom has OCD but she's not as extreme as these people, she's just a CLEAN FREAK and must have things a certain way. She can't sit still if something is wrong in her eyes and we've lived with it all our life. I think she's getting worse the older she gets but we all just sort of deal with it. I mean who doesn't want a clean house or a meal cooked for them and if someone enjoys or needs to do it then so be it. But the day I see her counting things and obsessing on locked doors and tapping things I will have to admit her to a hospital. Sorry Mom but I can only take so much. Love that you like to clean and cook but will hate the day you can't hug me or hold my hand because you are afraid of where my hand might have been. LOL. Trust me these hands have gone where no man has gone before. Just joking!

Any how back to me. One of the girls in the show has OCD because she obsesses about her mom dying. She had a huge fear of her dying and would do rituals (funny my mom uses that word too) to stay on "God's" good side to keep her mom safe from harm. It got me wondering. Maybe I have OCD. Mike always tells me that I Obsess about me dying and think about it all the time. I do, I've admitted to this in here a few times, OK a lot. I fear I'll die and where I'll die and I constantly have it on my mind. But I always assumed it was anxiety not OCD. I always thought of OCD as clean germ freaks and people who did things 3 or 5 times to get a ritual done. I didn't think obsessing about an event would be considered OCD, but I look back into my psychology books and it does say when one obsess about events enough that it effects there daily life. I must say that my fear of dying has effected some what the way I live. I wont do certain things because they are too dangerous and if forced into it I have a panic attack. I also sort of do some rituals like I make sure I pray before I go to bed and every time I wake up. I do this so that God knows that I really want to stay alive and that I am thankful he gave me each new morning to live. I also make sure that I tell Dominic to say his prayers and that he "prays for his momma" as I say to him. So in a way I guess these are all rituals, so I really think I was misdiagnosed when they told me I had extreme anxiety but really I have OCD. Who knows? They gave me Valium to calm my nerves so I guess either one of them anxiety and/or OCD can be numbed if I took my Valium like I was told to take them.

OK then I watched House. Do you watch that? It's a great show. Well the last one, one of the guys had lung cancer and refused to take any pain meds. He told the doctors that he wanted to die in pain because he had no one that loved him and at least if he died in pain he'd be remember by them. All he wanted was for someone to remember him. Well here we go again, that is all I want. When I die i want people to remember me and not to forget me. THat the whole meaning behind me writing those letters to everyone; so they don't forget me. I don't want Dominic to forget who I am or Mike to not remember the good times we had and not just these last years of me being sick. Here we go, me and my obsessing. I can't help it. I live each day wondering when, where, and how. Then I wonder if: Oh the many statements that start with if.

I've come to the conclusion, I watch too much damn TV. All it does is cause me to think more. Damn BOOB tube!!!

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

1. prayers, they get me through the day.
2. emails that are actual letters not just forwards. Thanks Michelle, Amysol, Rachel, Brendan and Hillary for sending me a real email today.
3. Dominic for not being too old to still want to sleep in my bed when Mike is out to sea. Thank god for that because I've been having nightmares lately and didn't want to sleep alone.

Is it over yet!

Man I hate Mondays. That alarm goes off and all I want to do is throw it across the room and sleep for another 10 hours. But I can't of course because my sleeping husband is laying next to me. It's enough I wake him every morning with my coughing but now I want to make loud noises by throwing things. So I just pretend I do it an it feels so much better.

Actually I slept through the night which is a first for me in I don't know how long and we even went to bed at a decent hour. So I should be refreshed and ready to go. I was until I got to work and everyone around me is sick and coughing. Oh the joys of working in an office. An elementary school office that is, where every little kids wants to stand close to you while you write thei tardy slip and then proceed to cough or sneeze on me. GERMS !!!!!!! I hate them. Ended my day at work with a sore throat but cme home and took a long nap and woke up a bit better. If they get me sick though I wont be the nice office aide;I will end up being the wicked witch of the East and get them all.

Came home decided to order out again. We really need to stop that. Ordered from the Roadhouse grill I think it was called and had a great salad and a pretty good steak. Dominic ate his chicken sandwich in like 3 bites so that is always good. He's such a picky eater. Watch Mission Impossible 3 and I must say it was a pretty good movie considering Tom Cruise is so weird (just my opinion) I didn't see 1 and 2 so too e able to follow the movie without getting lost is pretty good. Laid in bed watching Prison Break and fell asleep before 24 so life was pretty uneventful. Tomorrow I will watch Hero's and 24 since we Tivo them both.

When my life is dull I consider it good. So my life may be dull at the moment but to me its good, GOOD!!!

Until tomorrow,
Carmen

3 things I'm happy about:

1. Purell, hopefully that will keep the germs away.
2. Emergen C, sort of like Airborne hopefully if purell doesn't work that will.
3. A good salad that makes you full before you eat the heavy stuff.

too much vino

I'll make this short and sweet. Slept until 11am. Woke up a little slow. Had coffee with Jake a friend of Mike's who slept over due to playing games too late. Once he left, I laid down again for a power nap. Woke up got my nails done and now I am here. Not feeling 100% but not hungover either. Just sleepy. So until tomorrow.

Carmen

3 things:

1. Motrin 800 mgs. today they are my best friend.
2. Jenny the little Asian lady that gave me the best pedicure massage a woman could ask for.
3. Going to bed early with my clean sheets and new comforter.

Game night!

Tonight was so much fun. We had our first monthly game night. 13 people showed up and everyone had a blast. We played Apples to Apples and then Phase 10. I don't think we all have laughed that hard in a long time. Everyone emailed me and told me what a great time they had and can't wait until we do it again. We actually stayed up until 2:30am, way past my bedtime but it was so much fun that none of us wanted to stop. It truly has been one of my best evenings in a long long time.

It's so nice to have such great friends again. It's taken us awhile to find them but we truly have found a great bunch of friends to hang out with. Well it's late very late or early depending on how you look at things. I made coffee for a few that had to drive home so I'm on overdrive now because I too had coffee. I put Baily's in it thinking that it wouldn't keep me up just keep me tipsy but I guess I was wrong with that one. OK I'm going before I fall asleep on the computer.

3 things:

1. Great wine; try Pinot Evil its a Pinot Nior. It's pretty good.
2. Great Friends
3. Great games

Doctor Visit

So I got to see Dr. Shah my pulmonigist today. It's been a very long time and the first thing he said to me was "Wow you lost a lot of weight, you look great." Then gave me a big hug. He's really a nice doctor. We caught up on our family lives; he asked me about Mike and Dominic and I asked him about his wife and 5 children. He's a very proud daddy and told me his 2 year old is sick and his baby girl is 8 months and is crawling like 100 mph. Dr. Shah always makes the appointments seem so at ease. It's not as soothing as visiting Dr. Lobsong (the doctor from Tibet) because you are still surrounded by florescent lights and paper sheets to sit on. However its his personality that makes it inviting and he's always so positive about everything. So then the magic question comes up. "So, how are you feeling?" I always hate this because if I say I'm fine, he'll say great and send me on my way but I still feel the aches and pains and windiness and if I tell the truth then he'll want to run a bunch of test. So what do I do? I actually tell him the truth because my aches and pains are a little worrisome and so I want to make sure there's nothing more too my Scleroderma than the usual. I tell him about my fingers hurting at the tips especially both my middle fingers, I tell him about my wrist, ankles, knees, and elbows hurting as well. I tell him about my left elbow swelling up and that my chest continues to burn when I cough. He's used to the coughing ordeal because I've been complaining about that for years but he's concerned about my joints aching, something I've not complained about in the past. So as usual he sends me to the lab too get not one or two tubes thingy of blood drawn but 7. He wants too make sure I don't have Lupus, or rheumatoid arthritis . Both I know (pretty sure at least) that I don't have but he wants to cover everything. He also told me too lay off the Mortin and take more Vicodin in fear that I may mess up my Kidney's since in the past my Kidney's have acted up on certain medicines. I find that weird but hey he's the doctor, I just don't want to end up getting addicted to pain meds. since I know I already have a very addictive personality. (Trust me this is why we don't go to the casino as often).

So in general he gave me bottles of Vicodin, Motrin, Valium (my my anxiety attacks I get once in awhile), and my Singular. Told me I tested positive for Carpal Tunnel and to come back in a week for the results regarding the blood work. That about sums it up. Nothing too big and exciting too share with anyone unless my labs come back messed up but I seriously doubt that they will. The only thing he was a bit concerned about and so was I is that if nothing comes back positive then my Scleroderma is to blame which means that now I have to worry about both my external and internal parts. Usually with Scleroderma you get one or the other and rarely both, but since I'm so unique I may be one of those who end up getting both. Now that wouldn't surprise me because when I first got diagnosed with Scleroderma it was because I was getting sores on my hands (fingers) and didn't really have a breathing problem; but as soon as I started complaining about my breathing the sores stopped on my hands. So I'm figuring I'm going to be one of those rare individuals that get both the skin and organ problems. I'm going to think positive though and just wait and see what the labs. have to say.

Oh wait I do need to vent a bit I can't believe I forgot this. So I go to the pharmacy to get my pills and the teller looks at me with my Oxygen and says "You're too young too be supporting on Oxygen." Hello!! Lady!! Do you really think I chose this for myself? I wanted to rip her eyes out; but I didn't instead I say "Yeah, that's what I think too." I give her my best fake smile and try to give her my prescriptions but she doesn't stop there, she then goes "So, what do you have?" I tell her I have an autoimmune disease that has caused severe lung damage, I don't say Scleroderma because usually people look at me like I have two heads when I say that word. I'm trying too be nice but my tank is almost dry, I am in fear I'm going to run out of oxygen trying too get my pills and so I push my prescriptions closer to her before I have an axiety attack. She continues "Well why don't you just get a lung transplant." JUST!!! Man I hate that word at times. So I tell her in another fake smile "I can't JUST go out and get a lung transplant. You have too be on a list, and from there JUST because you get on the list doesn't mean I'll get a lung the next day. and JUST because I get a transplant doesn't mean it's going to be a miracle. People reject the organs at times and it doesn't mean I will live forever. With a transplant you are dealt a whole different set of obstacles that might not be so easy to deal with either." She looks at me like I'm an idiot, tells me her friend got a kidney through a transplant and is doing great. I just smile at her and tell her I'm happy for her friend and explain to her I'm in a hurry and need to get going before my oxygen runs out before I get back to my car. Man I hate people like that. I mean does she really think I want to be on oxygen? That I picked this life for me and my family to live? I JUST want to kill people who say things like that. The longer I live on this O2 the more bitter I become, it seems because people seem to be braver too come up to me and tell me how young I am and how I shouldn't be on oxygen. Well no shit Sherlock. OK I vented and feel much better now. Thanks!!!

Have a great weekend,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy for:

1. A doctor that makes your visit comfortable.
2. The book I'm reading "The Nanny Diaries" its an older book but I've never read it and its pretty good so far.
3. Having an enjoyable lunch with my husband, at Chili's.

dreams are weird...

Every have a dream that you see a complete stranger but you could explain every detail about them? I do. In fact I get them a lot. I woke up this morning due to a dream of a stranger. I was younger and for some reason my brother and I lived together. I wasn't married or a mommy. It was just Nik and me. We lived in a condo and even that I could explain in full detail (although I wont because it's too long) but it hasn't been a place I ever been to before. Anyhow, we (Nik, (yes I'm spelling it right he dropped for "c" for some strange reason) and I) we having a get together mostly of all strangers besides Kristina who is Candy's daughter was there and one of her girlfriends. I was still an older sister but must of been closer to age because it appeared that all our friends were in their mid to late 20's were normally I'm 33. (shhhh, don't tell anyone) Anyhow getting back to the story, there was a bunch of people over the house doing various things, like Kristina and her friend were doing homework and Nik wasn't really know where to be found until later in the dream and other friends were hanging out watching TV and or having a few beers. Well one of Nik's friends (who is his actually real life roommate) was showing some people around and they were looking at the pictures we had on the walls. Mostly of Nik and i and some of our parents and what not. Well this big I mean BIG Black guy was looking at my pictures and was going "She's cute but she has some big legs. " And was sort of making a big deal out of my legs. For anyone who reads this and doesn't know I am very self conscious of my legs. I hate them and never were clothes that expose them unless I am tanning or something. So again back to the story the guy was like "Man she's so hot but her legs are gross. Blah Blah Blah" and Nik friend was telling him to stop ragging on me because he was afraid I'd hear and get upset, that I had been through a lot with my health and was a great person. So finally i had heard enough of him talking about my legs in these pictures that I walk out of a room and start yelling at him. I kick everyone out of the house besides Kristina and her friend and the one guy that was at my defense. People were telling me how mad Nik was going to get because I ended the party and I was freaking out telling them that it was my house as well and Nik wouldn't want anyone here that wasn't treating me with respect. so everyone leaves including that big black guy but he was like "I'll be back, you haven't seen the last of me." So then Nik shows up and I tell him the whole story and he agrees and later one we let more people come back but were afraid of this guy. The guy kept circling the house and then later tried to get back in the house. I kept refusing him but he kept telling me he HAD to be here. So I guess it freaked me out enough that I woke up. Anyhow the guys face I recall so vividly and it sort of freaks me out that I can remember him so well. I mean why? Why do people come to you in your dreams? Well good question Carmen. I looked it up in my dream book and it says the following:
Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.
So what the hell is this guy trying to advice me of or what is repressed or hidden? I hate this because now I feel like I should be searching for this black guy and trying to figure out what the hell he needs to tell me. Weird I know. But you don't understand I really believe in my dreams or I believe you dream things to let you know something that you conscious won't tell you when you are awake. OK I know I'm weird but why else would you dream? It's not just for entertainment i don't think.
3 Things I'm happy for:

1. Target, it's nice to get great deals there and to also have a gift card to use.
2. my roomba (electronic vacuum)
3. the warm weather we had today. Feel so good on my hands since my Raynauds is been in overdrive)

Happy Hump Day!

Today was a great day. Work went smoothly. The whole school went on a field trip and so I had the school to myself. Well not exactly; there were others there but I didn't have to stress about things like I normally do. Then after work I went to have lunch with Jenny and Annette. It was really nice seeing them and enjoying a good lunch. It was great having the company of friends with a good lunch. After lunch I went home with a headache which lately seems to be lingering so we decided to order out and we went to one of my favorite restaurants here in Santee which was Mimi's. I just got a salad since I had a heavy lunch. It was a great day of being pampered with having good friends to eat with and then ordering out later so no one has to cook for dinner or do dishes.

I'm a bit concerned about my headaches and getting lightheaded when I'm standing more often but luckily Friday I go to the doctors so I will stress my concerns to him. So all in all it was a great day. Minus the headaches that I've been getting I would say today was one of my better days that I've had in a long time.

3 things I'm happy for:

1. Great company during lunch.
2. Mimi's having such good food.
3. Getting paid today well my SSDI but hey it helps.

IF plus my 3 things...

IF:
If you could retake one course you took in high school or college, which would it be?

I would pick Spanish. I passed the course but didn't take anything with me. I really wish I would of taken 2 years in college instead of the one I had to take and that I really absorbed it and could be able to understand enough to get by when I deal with Spanish speaking people. I know that I can understand more than I let people think I can understand but I wish I felt comfortable enough to speak it in front of people. My dear friends Amysol and Jordan said that when I drink and get a little liquid courage that I speak fairly good Spanish but I would never have to nerve too do it not drinking. So in my next life I will pay more attention to my Spanish teacher.

3 things I'm happy with:

1. The sun shining on my face as I drive home. It's been so cold so when the sun is out it feels so great on my face.
2. the perfectly grill streak that Michael made me for dinner.
3. Hot bath I took with my full belly.

A Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee

A MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 CUPS OF COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much too handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
"One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

3 things I'm happy about today:

1. My husbands smile when we walks in the door from work.
2. Dominic having a good day at school.
3. my green comfy blanket that keeps me warm when I watch my TV shows.

Lazy Bones

Well I had every intention to get up and go to church today, but never got there. I was up and planning on going but once I got out of bed I became very dizzy. I think I'm still fighting something and with both the men in my life being sick I don't think it helps. So instead I said a prayer and laid back down. It finally went away (the dizziness) but I decided to just be lazy and do nothing really other than catch up on a few emails and read. I also watched both the games which I enjoyed. I was pretty neutral for both games, didn't really care who one either game but was happy to see the Bears win since Lovie Smith was once a Rams coach. Besides how can you not like a man name Lovie? I know the Saints would of been a great story but they have really already made a great story; from being the worst rated last year to making it all the way to the play offs this year is amazing. I will now cheer for the Bears to win because I do like them better than the Colts. My family all wants the Colts to win but I'm not a big fan of Manning even if we do share the same last name.

I've been having pretty good days for being winter but I think it has a lot to do with my attitude this year. I am really trying to stay positive and not be so negative. It's hard however when I can't do things that seem so easy too most, like walk 150 feet with out getting winded or standing for a long time with out getting light headed, but last year looking back at my entries in my blog seemed to reflect more on my downs and not my ups. So I'm trying as hard as I can to focus on the happier times in my life. I know my husband really wants them to give me a lung transplant but I'm still not 100% up on the whole idea. I mean there is so much that can go wrong with a transplant that I am not quite ready too take that step. The doctors don't think I need it quite yet either but then I think of all the things I could do if I could breathe like a normal person. I really don't know what that would feel like. I mean too not be winded, I can't remember the last time I wasn't winded when I wasn't sitting or sleeping. Sad huh? But hey God only gives you what you can handle, or at least that is what they say.

Oh another thing that I get to have now is a house cleaner. A friend of mine is going to come to my house every other week and do all the big stuff. You know, tubs, toilets, vacuum, mop, dust and Windex. We'll continue to do the lighter stuff but she will do the stuff that really bothers me, that you have to use cleaners with. I'm so excited. Mike has been fighting me on this for a long time but now with him in school he doesn't have a lot of free time and the free time he does have it's to do homework or simply enjoy a quiet few minutes too himself. Plus because I get light headed standing he's been doing most of the cooking so it'll be a great investment to our sanity I think. Everyone here (Mike and Dominic) are huge helps with the cooking and the cleaning but I'd rather spend the time we do have together enjoying each others company and not doing chores. Life to short for me (well maybe even you who knows) to be worrying about cleaning the bath tub, and if this person could use the extra cash then so be it. It's a win win situation for all of us.

So that about sums up the day. Until tomorrow.
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about:

1. convincing Michael into letting me get a house cleaner
2. Lazy Sunday afternoons. Nothing can beat those.
3. Seeing history in the making. With the Colts/Bears going to the Super Bowl this will be the 1st time that 2 African American coaches have played against each other in the Super Bowl.

Saturday and another pound down.

I'm another pound done. I now weigh 141.00. So I have 4 more pounds to lose too where I am at the high end of a healthy weight for my height. I will be very excited if I can get to that weight. I may actually cry because I haven't weighed 137 since Dominic was in kindergarten. I wont sweat it if I don't get to that weight but I will try hard to get there. I didn't work out at all this week because the whole house is sick. I think it's this freaking cold dry air that we've been having forever. Man, it really is cold. I know it's colder than normal because even the locals are complaining. I didn't remember it being this cold last year and I must be correct because the locals keep complaining about it never being this cold in all their years here. I never thought I'd see weather in the low 30's living in San Diego but I guess I was wrong because that's what it's been all week in the early mornings these past few weeks.

I went wine tasting today with some friends and had a great time. It was really nice to get out of the house and hang with female friends and not worry about house hold chores, dinner, or actually anything. None of us had to be home at a certain time so we took our time and enjoyed each stop. We had a nice late lunch and finished the evening with a Starbucks. It truly was a great relaxing time. Towards the end it got to be extremely cold so once the sun went down we all decided to call it quits and head home. I really had a great time. I hope we can all do it again one day.

Well that's about it. I'm going to have to call it a night. I am tired and I have a lot to do tomorrow since I took today off with my household chores.

Until later,
Carmen

My 3 happy times:

1. Spending time with my girlfriends.
2. Not having to do laundry, dusting, or dishes all day.
3. Coming home and Michael telling me that Dominic really missed me. Said he kept asking "When is mom coming home, is she sleeping the night out? Are going to eat without her." Aww, he never misses me. I guess the lad really does love his momma.

To Realize

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

3 things I'm thankful for:

1. It being Friday. TGIF
2. The week finally being over.
3. enjoying a relaxing night at home with my boys and dog.

Dah!!!! I know I don't get enough sleep

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.

http://www.blogthings.com/doyougetenoughsleepquiz/">Do You Get Enough Sleep?

3 things I'm happy for today:
1. Dominic's turn too cook dinner.
2. Gridiron gang, it was a pretty darn good movie. It even made me shed a tear or two.
3. my warm house. Damn it's been pretty cold these days in Southern Cali.

So I read this line in the book I"m reading:

"Everybody got one of them, you know. That's the person that you know you ought to be with, but circumstances play out a certain way and you get sidetracked and wind up settling" Big Stone Gap, by Adriana Trigiani.

This statement stayed in my head all night after I read it and all through the night where I couldn't sleep because I was wondering. Wondering if there is some truth to this statement and if so am I or Michael settling? Are my parents settling? Are you settling? I've heard this statement before, maybe not in those exact words but close enough to make you go hummmmm!!!!

I think back to all my boyfriends or at least the ones that I had that I was legal marriage age and I can't think of anyone I would of been better off married too. I mean Michael and I haven't had the picture perfect marriage or courtship but what couple has? Do they even exist? But even with that said I can't think of someone who would of been better for me and stood by me during my time of illness as he has.

Now him on the other hand maybe he did settle. I often tell him this that he's probably not all that happy with how his life has turned out, sick wife and probably one day being a single dad but I wonder who was his one that got away. So many names come to mind. Girls that I've come across that he wrote these passionate love letters too when he was younger that I'm still waiting for my letter. Girls that may have more in common with the sailing, Nascar,music, and other interest that I really could care less about like his choice in readings but then again he doesn't like the books I read either. Man putting this on paper I am starting to really think that maybe he did settle. He probably at one point wanted to leave but then I got sick and he now feels like he can't leave because he'd look bad leaving a sick person. Or maybe Dominic keeps him here, who knows but I wonder. I sure do wonder if he settled for me and let the right one get away.

Three things I'm happy for today:

1. Michael for settling for me, if that is what he did?
2. American Idol, because it makes me happy to know that I am not the only person out there that can't sing but think I can.
3. Big Stone Gap this book I'm reading. It started off slow but it's getting pretty good.

3 things and an If

3 things I'm happy about today:

1. Having the day off.
2. Reflecting on what Martin Luther King Day stands for and if he was alive would be be happy with what the world looks like now. Today a good day for reflection.
3. Going to bed early.

If:

If you were to pick the one child you know who you would predict to be the most successful in life, who would it be? This is a hard one, although you would think that I'd pick my own son. I sadly don't think that he has the drive to become the "most" successful. Lord hopefully he'll prove me wrong but looking at him now I don't see him doing more than what is asked of him. So, I think I would have to pick Stevie or Alex and I'm thinking more Stevie only because I think men have a better change at becoming successful because a lot of today's society still looks down at women. I think either one of these kids have the drive, smarts, skills and determination to do what ever it is to succeed and if they continue the path that they are going on now I don't see either of them having any trouble being successful adults.

2 nights of drinking!

Well we had some friends over for the game on Saturday and we drank. Then today we went over to Rachel's to watch the Charger/Patriots game and drink some more. I guess I'm getting old because I just can't do it anymore. I was asleep by 7:30. I wasn't feeling well either. I think the 2 days just puts my under. I started getting a sore throat right after we left her house and achy by the time we got home. But oh well shit happens. It was nice watching the game with them especially since we didn't want the Chargers to win and they all did. I'm so glad they lost (not really I could care less) but there fans are obnoxious. I guess living in any home town their fans are going to be crazy but we've never lived in the same city as a team. So we really see it here. I mean Miami Dolphins was still 3 hours from Key West and the Jets/Giants/Patriots were at least 2 hours. So we never really had them so close. I look forward to rubbing it in a bit at work and/or having them all finally being quiet there. I probably wont happen but at least it'll be wishful thinking.

Rachel made some good potato soup. I wish I had some more. Maybe I'll ask her for her recipe. OK I need to get ready for 24. Can't miss that.

Until later,
Carmen

This things I'm happy for:

1. Chargers losing
2. Rachel's soup
3. seeing the 5 B's after so long.

Another week down!

Another week down on this new change of life and I must say I feel so much better on this diet than I do off. All the bloating and chest feeling congested is gone. Don't get me wrong I still have my aches and pains due to my Scleroderma but it's nothing that I was feeling when I was in Key West and the week after we got home. That all could relate to the alcohol I was consuming but I am starting to believe that this diet/herb thing really is a big help to me. I actually even worked out 3 times this week. Go me!!! My works out aren't nothing what a normal person does but hey its something and at least I had the energy to do that. So my new weight is 142.0 which means I've lost 12.8 pounds since on this diet. 5 more pounds and I will be within my ideal weight for my height so that is my goal and anything after that will be considered a bonus. So I'm pretty happy about the weight loss and the fact that I'm starting to feel a little bit better with my body image. I wished that this new lifestyle of mine would help me breath better but hey at least if I have too one day get a transplant, I was told you have too be within 20% of your ideal weight so I will at least be there with the weight thing.

Last night I watched Transamerica, and I must say it was a STRANGE movie. It got a lot of hype during the Oscars last year so I got it on Netflix. Ummm, if you haven't seen it I don't think you really need to get it. I found it sort of sad and way out there. I mean way out there. It has nothing too do with the whole gay thing either because I am not phobic by any means, I even own Brokeback Mountain but this movie just was well I guess different and sad. I mean with the sex change and all. That actually wasn't even the part that bothered me, it was more the whole son having sex with men for money and drugs. It was sad that he had to do that too survive. I don't know I just thought he needed a lot of support and counseling. Poor kid. I know there are kids like that in the world I just feel so bad for them.

Ok enough, I'm not going to have a movie ruin my good day. It was just a movie Carmen. Stop It!!! Ok I have to run and fold laundry AGAIN. Man I hate laundry. It's never ending.

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 Things I'm happy for:

1. being 12.8 pounds lighter.
2. sleeping in even.
3. the cup of coffee had this morning, it's got me wired enough to fold the mountain of laundry I need to fold.

3 things

The 3 things I'm thankful for:

1. Payday (well for Michael but when he gets paid I get paid)
2. friends at work. Sure does make the day go faster with you can laugh through out the day.
3. KFC, was nice and easy since I didn't feel like cooking and neither did Michael.

Scleroderma site

This is a great site for anyone who has questions regarding Scleroderma.

http://www.mayoclin ic.com/health/ scleroderma/ DS00362

Three things I'm happy for today:

1. fruit, man it's my savior during this diet.
2. quiet home again, man I'm starting to like this.
3. my precious dog who greeted me, when I know I woke her up from her 3 hour nap.

The bad thing about a terminal illness:

I'm starting too see the cycles I get of this rut I get in. I feel great for a few days, then I start to feel a little winded, then I start to get depressed because I'm not sure if this is it. Will this be the last time to do what ever it is I may be thinking about? Such as last Christmas, last time to go to a school function, last time I'll toast in the new year, when company leaves will it be the last time I see them and so forth? You get the picture?

I'm starting too think it's the doctors fault. I think if you have a terminal illness such as myself they shouldn't tell the people. I mean we are all going too die. It's part of living. That's life. You live and you die. Births and deaths happen every mintue of each day. Anyhow, when doctors tell you that you have weeks, months, or years to live people start to fixate on it. I mean I do. The first doctor (Dr. Keltner) I went too with my Pulmonary Fibrosis told me I had 3-5 years to live. Then when I say Dr. Noble at Yale he told me since I had Scleroderma w/Pulmonary Fibrosis my odds were a bit better and I could probably live 7-10 years depending one how fast my lungs scarred up. Then Dr. Yung told me if I ended up getting hypertension then most people die with in 6 months being diagnoised. Then I'll go and see Dr. Shah and he'll tell me " Hey stick too the 10 year plan or don't worry about it at all. We are all going to die." Well its easy for him too say because he's never had anyone tell him he was going to die and give him a time frame.

Some of the doctors I've beat their odds but I still have that in my head always. One year down 7 years to go or what not. I'm sure anyone who's been told that has that locked in their head at all times. So the times I get this depressed feeling, I worry about my time left. Do I really have 10 years (5 now since I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago) or is it less or can I beat all odds and be around longer. Who the fuck knows. I wish I did know so then I wouldn't be so afraid and worried all the time too please everyone because I don't want anyone mad at me if I die or I want too make sure I see everyone because I don't want too feel like I didn't spend enough time with them. I mean this is crazy I know, but these are the things that pop in my head at night when I can't sleep. I wish when I'm having these moments and I'm praying to God for another day he'd go "Look Carmen, you are going to die 2013 in Nov. and you'll die in your sleep at home, with your loved ones there.' It be so much easier if he could do that. I mean the doctors have me so freaked out about when my time is up that I not only worry about when but I worry about how and where. I mean I don't want to die at work or in a car where I could hurt someone. I don't want to die in a hospital either. I simply want to die in my sleep in my bed. Is that asking for too much? These doctors and websites that give you information on diseases have me so screwed up in the head that I'm a nervous wreck. I'm a complete wreck, and I fear that I will die and the peope that have entered my life won't know how much they mean to me. Or how much they have effected my life. Maybe its something serious like you are my husband or mom or something as simple as someone I met through blogging. People enter your life for a reason I strongly believe that. Good or bad, they entered your life for some reason. So too make sure that each person I know, knows how much they mean too me I'm going too write you all a personal letter. I'm starting with my emails, then my blog, then myspace, lastly my old fashion address book but that's only because most everyone is on one of the other things. So bare with me. It's going to take sometime. I plan on doing a letter a day. I guess it'll be another new years resolution. Besides God is going to have too give me more time on this earth so I can get all these letters out. Each of you will get one from me I promise. Can't promise when but you'll get it. Only death can keep me from not getting it to you and like I said I don't plan on going anytime soon.

Until later,
Carmen San Diego

3 things I'm happy about tody:

1. deciding to write everyone a letter of why I'm glad thy came into my life.
2. my hubby callingme at work just because.
3. Yvonne making me laugh when all day I really wanted too scream and cry because I was up all night worrying.

Things I'm thankful for today!

Don't have too much to say today. Feeling blah! So I'm just going too write my 3 things today.

Until tomorrow,
Carmen San Diego

1. For the warm weather we've been having
2. exercising even though I really didn't want too because I was winded. Did most of it sitting but hell I still did it.
3. my family for being such a big help when dealing with this God awful disease.

First and Last

EVERYONE HAS THEIR FIRSTS:

FIRST REAL BEST FRIEND: That would be Liz (Michelle, and Emily are close but I haven’t seen them in years, just emails and phone calls) . I wish Liz was on Myspace! :(

FIRST SCHOOL: St. Aloysius

FIRST CELL PHONE: I don’t remember the name but it was as big as a house phone and black Uniden maybe if that is even a name of cell phones.

FIRST FUNERAL: Billy my boyfriend at the time. God Bless him.

FIRST PET: Shannon my Irish setter

FIRST BIG TRIP: When I was in 9th grade I think we went on a cruise that was awesome.

FIRST FIGHT: I believe it was with Britt in the 8th grade.

FIRST CELEBRITY CRUSH: Probably was Mark Wahlberg. Or Ricky Martin or something like that.

FIRST TIME OUT OF THE COUNTRY?: 9th grade on the cruise we went to Jamaica and a few of the Islands I think St. John and St. Thomas.

FIRST JOB: 3 sisters

FIRST MYSPACE FRIEND: Tom

EVERYONE HAS THEIR LASTS

LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED: Bill my father in law but I did kiss Mike good bye this morning but we really didn’t hug.

LAST CAR RIDE: Just now coming home from work.

LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Last night. Happens more often these days. Frustration is often the key to my tears.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: DVD last night World Trade Center, very good if you haven’t seen it.

LAST FOOD YOU ATE: applesauce

LAST ITEM BOUGHT: Marietta’s on Saturday

LAST SHIRT WORN: Black v-neck with lace on it and sort of like a baby doll shirt I guess you’d call it.

LAST PHONE CALL: Michael

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: Mike complaining about work and his ID.

LAST THING YOU TOUCHED: My keyboard. Duh.

LAST FUNERAL: When I was 21 a persons Grandma..

LAST TIME AT THE MALL: When I went to the movies with Rachel and Morgan because the theatre is in the mall.

LAST TIME YOU WERE EXCITED FOR SOMETHING: when I won all that money in Vegas.

LAST PERSON YOU SAW: John at work

LAST THING YOU DRANK: Gatorade

LAST PERSON THAT BROKE YOUR HEART: Xavier that ASS

LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY HONESTLY HAPPY?: If it wasn’t for my health I’d be honestly happy now.

Today I'm happy about:

1. no traffic this morning
2. new CD Michael made me
3. coming home to an empty house.

What Makes you Happy At Home:

• waking up to my hubby laying next to me
• waking up to see Dominic and Caya laying together asleep in his bed
• a clean home
• the smell of dinner being cook by my husband or son
• Caya greeting me at the door when I come home from work.
• Michael letting me watch what I want on TV.
• no dust
• laundry done
• dishes done
• hot bath
• a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate watching a movie
• laughter
• friends spending time with us
• clean sheets
• TiVo
• bills paid
• Caya giving me kisses when I need them
• Michael and Dominic giving me kisses and hugs when I need them
• food in the fridge
• coming home to a house that is quiet.
• the love I feel when the family is together.

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Waking up to no company (even though I love all my family it's hard having back to back company after vacation).
2. Breakfast in bed.
3. Brandon getting Loreen and Bill so we could sleep in.

Moment of truth!!!!!!

Well after weeks of eating crap and more stuff off my diet than on. Weeks if binge drinking and again eating more crap. I have finally decided to suck it up and hop on the scale. I did finally control myself this past week but it was still hard because we’ve had company since we’ve got back from Key West. I have been MUCH better on my diet and finally went back to the Tibetan doctor to get my new herbs and no these don’t taste any better, but the drinking continues. I know it’s just empty calories but man it goes down so smoothly when you on in a heated debate about life or gossiping about who ever or watching a great movie with the family. Sucks that red wine taste so damn good but Monday when we finally have a house too just the 3 of us again the drinking will stop and I will get back too drinking on Saturday like before.

Ok so yes I got on the scale and new that I was going to gain some weight but I feared that I would have gained all the weight I took off. I just feel really bloated. So I locked the bathroom door, took off all my clothes, and forced myself to pee and then I got on the scale. I closed my eyes at first because I new I was going to be back where I start at around 155. I opened my eyes and there is was 144.2. not so bad, last time I weighed myself was December 18 and then I weighed 142.8 so I gained 1.4 pounds. Not bad. I was hoping no gain but hey after the past 2 weeks of the way I’ve been doing things I will take the 1.4 pounds and be thankful that it wasn’t worse.

I’ve been coughing more this past week and not sure if it’s the cold dry air like always or something more. Been getting more aches these days as well in my joints and back and it could be something as minor as sleeping the wrong way or lack of exercising or a major as my Scleroderma kicking in again. I tried to make an appointment with Dr. Shah but he’s full until next month so I will just pop my Motrin and suck it up until I can get into the doctors office. I hope it’s nothing but who knows with me these days. I’m just thankful I’m still around. I’ll take the aches and pains if it means hanging around longer with my family.

So that’s it. My life is pretty good and I have a strange hopeful feeling that 2007 is going to be great for me and my family. Until I can think of something else too write.

Carmen San Diego

Three things I’m thankful for:

Not gaining all my weight back
My in-laws for helping with the house work and cooking when they visit.
My husband rubbing my joints and back this morning with I was feeling so achy and not trying to get more out of the situation. LOL!!!

TGIF

"Could you just tell me one thing you'll remember about me?


Things that I'm thankful for today:

1. The good jerk chicken Michael made on the grill for us.
2. Playing the game of "If" with Bill, Loreen, Michael, and Rachel. I got to learn more about them while having fun answering questions.
3. Giving Bill a hug and making him smile. He's sort of shy but once you open him up he truly is a genuine kind man. I'm glad to have him as one of my father in laws.

3 things

My 3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Missing all the morning traffic for some reason (luck was on my side today)
2. working out for about 45-50 min. today after not working out in like 3 months. Felt real good but I'm sure I'll be sore.
3. My husband because he's such a big help around the house, (most days, but especially today) Got to love that man.

What makes you happy at work?

What makes you happy at work?

• The children when they come in to see me. It may only be for a tardy slip but their precious smiles make my morning.
• my paycheck of course. It may be small but hell it's money and who doesn't like hat.
• the few friends I have made there. I'm friendly with everyone there and I think I am liked by my peers but I have made a real connection to Yvonne and Julie although Julie has decided to take a position elsewhere. That bitch. LOL!!!
• The fact that I work only 3 hours a day (7:30-10:30am) and while most peoples job are just beginning, mine is ending and it gives me a chance to clean up the house, take a nap if I'm tired, exercise if I ever get motivated again, go on field trips and have quality "me" time before Michael and Dominic come home.
• The fact that they are very understanding at my school regarding my disease and don't judge me because I wear Oxygen.
• That is gets me out of the house. I could easily stop working and just claim disability but I refuse at this time. So even if it's only 3 hours a day, it gets me out of the house and talking and meeting other people that are real people not just cyber friends.
• Lastly, in a small way I still feel that I am giving back in a way to the community or my society by taking a job that pays much less than I should be making and working in the education field. Someone with a bachelors degree in psychology (or any degree) really should make more than 12.09 an hour but it's not about the money too me, it's about doing what you feel in your heart you want to do. A job that fulfills you. And working with children is my calling. It has been for the past 9 years. I love children and I love my job (on most days).

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My father in law cooking dinner for us, even though today I feel good enough to cook. I guess that means I will be doing the dishes. Darn it!!!
2. Ross the store, I was able to get a few pictures and frames for the house with my gift card that we got. I love that store, and the one in Santee is really clean and pretty organized for being a discounted store.
3. My husband for giving me a kiss even after I ate egg salad. Might not sound like anything big to you but the man HATES hard boiled eggs and gags just thinking about it. Hey I warned him when he dove in for the kiss but he didn't stop. He made a gross face after wards but he still kissed me. LOL!!! I love you Michael!!! Really I do!

Great info for the New Year!!!

The arrival of the new year marks a symbolic time for fresh starts. Many of us take it as an opportunity to set goals, contemplate decisions, and renew commitments. It's special because of the revitalized sense of hope it brings.

Before you make your New Year's resolutions for 2007, I'd like to share some thoughts about how it's never too late to start living a rich life.

The Live Rich Factor
Most people believe that if they just had more money, the things that make them unhappy would disappear and their lives would be better. The truth is that your life can be better without more money. It can be better today, but you need to make some decisions and take some actions.

You don't need me to tell you what will make you happy -- only you know that truth.
I believe each of us has the power to discover our purpose and become joyful in the process of journeying toward that purpose. It's not easy, however. Nothing important and meaningful ever is.

What you need to do is create what I call the "Live Rich Factor" in your life. I call it this because those who find the purpose that leads them to joy are truly the luckiest people in the world, because they're living richly.

There are five basic principles involved in creating your Live Rich Factor:

Principle 1: Give Yourself a Break
We all tell ourselves the story of the one that got away. You can't move forward if you spend time focusing on what you shoulda-woulda-coulda done in 2006 or before. It's over, and its time to move on. The fastest way I know to do this is to write all of your regrets down on paper.
Make a list of all your personal and financial if-onlys. For example, "If only I had saved more money. If only I hadn't quit that job. If only I hadn't taken the job I have." You get the idea.
After reading the list aloud to yourself, get rid of it. Let it all go by literally burning the list (safely). Now you're ready for a fresh start in 2007 -- a new beginning.

Principle 2: Get Connected with Your Truth
The hardest thing to do is be honest with yourself. Asking yourself some key questions will lead you to some amazing discoveries, and possibly motivate you to do what it takes to create the life you envision for yourself.
I suggest writing your (honest) answers to the following questions in a new journal for the new year:
-What makes you happy at work?
-What makes you happy at home?
-What makes you happy with your friends and family?
-What makes you happy when you're by yourself?
-What do you love to do?
-What would you do with your life today if you weren't afraid of failure?
-What's not working in your life?
-What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?
-What's working in your life?
-Who's not working in your life?
-Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?
Can you fix any of these relationships, or should you let them go from your life?
What relationships are working in your life?
If we were getting together one year from today, what would have to happen for you to be able to tell me that you now have more joy in your life?
What's the single most important thing you've learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?
You'll find that by putting your answers down on paper, they'll become clear more quickly and the actions you need to take more obvious and easier to initiate.

Principle 3: Stop Judging Yourself
Be nicer to yourself in 2007. Many people talk to themselves in a way they would never accept from a stranger, friend, or loved one. If this describes you, try stopping the negative conversations you have with yourself immediately.
For one week, simply commit to saying "stop it" when you think a negative thought about yourself. If you're in the habit of saying negative things to yourself, you'll find this is one of the most difficult exercises you'll ever do. Carry a notepad with you and make a mark each time you catch yourself thinking negatively. You'll find that as the days go by, your negative thinking can quickly be reduced.

Principle 4: Stop Judging Others
It's hard to be joyful when you're always judging others. In fact, it's close to impossible. Judging others creates a huge amount of stress in our lives. It affects our marriages and our relationships with our kids as well as the way we relate to friends, co-workers, and society in general.
We're not here to judge one another.
The next time you find yourself upset at someone or some situation, catch yourself and ask, "Are you judging?" Judging others is often an unconscious habit. But it's a habit that can be changed the moment you decide to stop doing it.

Principle 5 : Pursue Fun with a Vengeance
It's OK to pursue fun. It's what children do. My greatest joy these days is the simple pleasure of playing with my three-year-old son, Jack.
This holiday season with Jack taught me the simple power of pursuing fun -- again and again. What was fun for Jack this Christmas? It turns out it wasn't the Big Wheel that my wife, Michelle, and I stayed up so late building on Christmas Eve. And it wasn't the Star Wars Lego toy (although he was pretty excited about that).
Instead, what Jack found the most fun was a new game I made up to keep him entertained. The game was called Geronimo -- and it involved Jack jumping from the bed onto a stack of pillows yelling "Geronimo!" This silly little game ended up bringing us both hours of fun. The price of the game: nothing. The fun: priceless. And the laughs? Endless.
Why do we stop pursing fun as we get older? Fun shouldn't be squeezed into a few weeks of vacation each year. And it shouldn't be squeezed into the last chapter of your life when you "get to" retire. Fun deserves to be a part of your life now -- in 2007.
But fun doesn't just happen. You have to make it a priority in your life or it'll go missing. Life's too short to not have it.

So here's to a fun, happy, and healthy New Year. Cheers!

After today I will be connecting to my truth and doing Principle 2 and answering all the questions.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. For having a day that I wasn't winded but tired because it was the first day back to work.
2. For being back on track and sticking to my diet after failing on it while in Key West.
3. Dominic asking me if I feel better today (I wasn't feeling the greatest on 1/1/07 had a belly ache)

Sticking to my resolution

I'm thankful for:

1. My family
2. Money in the bank account to pay the bills and to have some left over finally
3. the rest that I got today before going back to work tomorrow