marriage survey!

1) Do you love your spouse? More than life even; though I don't show it enough.


2) How did you meet your spouse? At TGI Friday’s back in KW. I worked there at the time.

3) How long did you date before you were married? Know one can ever get the real answer out of us. LOL!!! It's been so long now we barely know the truth anymore.

4) How many times did you break up before you were married? Once for a weekend (Fantasy Fest will do it to you, I tell you. It’s evil yet so much fun).

5) How many times a month do you fight?
A real fight? Once a year I guess over money or something. Him listening to me bitch and letting it go in one ear and out the other....every day. (Amen Amy)

6) What side of the bed do you sleep on? I always sleep on the right side if you are lying in the bed. I guess it’s my OCD.

7) Who is the money maker? Me of course. NOT!!!!

8) What kind of car do you drive? Dodge Durango 2004

9) Do you rent or own a house? Finally I can say we are home owners in one of the most expensive place to live as a military family, man I miss our housing days when I have to fork over the check.

10) How many square feet is your house? I have no idea isn’t that sad? But I can say it’s a 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2 ½ bath with a 2 car garage. Also have a large deck and a balcony off the Master bedroom.

11) What date and year were you married and where was the party?
Refer to question number 3. I will tell you we celebrate April 1st (the date we first met each other) but that isn’t the day we actually got married. And there wasn’t a party. We eloped. Then my parents paid for us to go to Disney for a honeymoon and our honeymoon ended up being a family evacuation from Hurricane George. So we actually never really had a wedding or honeymoon.

12) Do you have pets? 1 old dog...Caya

13) Do you have a baby? No more babies for us...! Just our 10 (almost 11 yr. old) son and 7 yr. old dog.

14) Who pays the bills physically? I do, he’s tried a few times but it seems to never work in his favor. So he brings home the bacon and I fry it up in a grill. (Isn’t that how the song goes?)

15) What kind of car does your spouse drive? Jeep Wrangler

16) What does your spouse do for a living?
My husband is in the Navy, he is a Chief Independent Duty Corpsman on a submarine. Cool huh? He is on shore duty but seems to be away on “business trips” as much as he was away when he was on sea duty.
17) How many places have you lived as a married couple? Key West, Groton, San Diego and soon who knows maybe back to Fla. or GA. if I have my choice; or here still I guess. But with the Navy you just never know do you?

18) How many kids do you want? I wanted 5 back in the day. Then it went to 3, then 2 and now we are stuck at one great son. Can’t have anymore, so I’ll just be a good Aunt.
19) Where do you both love to vacation?
Scotland... (Yes Amy that was fun wasn’t it) any place warm and sunny... but all of our trips are to visit family these days. Actually we haven’t gone on a trip not to visit someone in a very long time. Not since the cruise we took before we moved to CT.

20) What is your favorite place to eat out? Anywhere I can get a nice glass of wine.

21) What is a great date? Dinner and a movie or to the casino for a bit. Then come home and get into out PJ’s and watch a good movie with popcorn and a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate.

22) How many couples’s friends do you and your spouse have? Quite a few. Most are married now or at least in a serious relationship.

23) Who makes the decisions? Money I do usually, anything else like where to go eat or something like that he does.
24) Who mows the lawn? The contractor that our condo has doing it....But Dominic waters our plants.

25) Whose family do you see the most? Now that we are living in CA his family before it was mine. But soon I’ll be able to see my family every 3-4 months. Can’t wait!!!!! Going over 10 months is way to long for me.

26) How many nieces and nephews do you have? A good bunch of them if I include extended family and what not. Other wise I only have 2 all on his side. Nick hasn’t claimed any kids yet.

27) Do you like being married? I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I miss the feeling of the whole “new love” with butterflies in your stomach when someone brings up his name or you see them after a while but I guess that is one thing good about the Navy, he’s gone a lot so when he comes back it’s sort of like a new romance each time. Love you baby!

My family visits us for Thanksgiving.

The start of our wine tasting trip. My first time in a limo.

Benihana night Happy Anniversary mom/pop


View of our Thanksgiving dinner party. The theme was red/white sort of valentines ish but that's because we waited until the last minute to buy everything for the table.

Everyone getting relaxing and enjoying each others company before the meal.

Boys will be boys

.

Me and my little (but much taller) brother.

Caya getting a power nap in before all the company got here on Thanksgiving evening.

I had a dream about my hair.

I had a dream about getting my hair cut real short and woke up a little freak out. I actually thought I really did cut it off and was upset that I would cut it so short. So the first thing I did after checking the mirror of course was check my dream dictionary and it said:

To dream that you are cutting your hair, suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.

So I hope I haven't loss any strength all though I was a bit winded today, I just hope that I am not feeling well and that the definition is all wrong. Hopefully it's the second part of the definition and I'm just getting rid of unwanted thoughts.

Carmen San Diego

Week 7

Start of week 7 I've learned that pizza is my enemy. I decided last night for some strange reason to eat pizza. I got my half with mostly veggies, trying to think that that would make me eating pizza one of the forbidden foods more acceptable. Well I was wrong, I have been experiencing a bad case of gas cramps and stomach ache. What was I thinking? I mean just about everything on the pizza is a no no. So, I've learned my lesson, not to even try to sneak the crap because the only thing I get out if it is gas cramps and possible worse later on. That being said I still lost more weight. I'm not sure how this is happening because I didn't exercise at all this week unless you count walking around in La Jolla with friends as exercise or cleaning bathrooms on my hands and knees. I just seem to have no motivation to exercise these days. The few times I do exercise it's like pulling teeth. I have to force myself to do it and when I do it I don't even thank myself for doing it after words or feel better. Instead I think why did I just put myself through that crap. Funny because before exercise was one of my hobbies. I loved lifting weights, walking, yoga, spinning, you name it, I'd try it willingly and didn't put up such a fight. Now it's all about the fight with me. So my weight is down to 145.2 which means I've lost 9.4 in 7 weeks. That's pretty good being that I don't exercise as much as I should and I've cheated more lately than in the beginning.
I started this whole plan not to lose weight but to improve my lungs. That's doesn't seem to be happening so I guess this has turned more into a weight lose program after all. I don't mind losing weight trust me I actually really enjoy losing weight and getting into smaller sizes and if I lose about 10 more pounds I will be at the weight I was when I moved to CT. when things seem to have started taking a slow downward fall. I am just a bit disappointed that things haven't improved with my lungs but hey it was worth a shot. That last sentence makes me sound like I'm giving up on the diet and don't be me wrong I'm not. I'm going to continue to stick to it and see Dr. Dhondup until January but if by then I don't really feel that I am not improving then I will continue the diet part and just stop the herbs and paying to see him. If anything at all at least I will be within 20% of my ideal body weight so that wont be a problem if later they decide to go ahead with the lung transplant.
This week is going too really prove if I have the will power to stick to this diet. I mean my parents and brother are coming here for the holiday and lets not forget Thanksgiving a day that is filled with food and wine. Some food I can have but most are not on my list. After last night and this morning with my stomach I swear I wont cheat anymore on this diet because my stomach is in knots but who knows if I'll be singing the same tune when it's actually in front of me. Plus we are going wine tasting and to Benihana's to celebrate their anniversary. So I think I'm pretty much doomed this week. Staying focused seems like it is going to be impossible. Time will only tell I guess. Well until next time.

Carmen San Diego

If you really knew me you'd know:

So I watched Oprah the other day and she had on these teens that went to this seminar that was about bullies, and stepping out of your own click and learning more about each other before you assume anything about them. It was an awesome project that I think all kids should have to go to; it would really be an eye opener to everyone. So the one statement they had to finish was "If you really knew me you'd know..." So I'd like to answer this myself.

If you really knew me you'd know that I am a helpless romantic but don't know how to express my feelings or emotions. I have always had a hard time dealing with them and don't know how to genuinely show people that I love them. Seems like in the past the more someone showed their love to me the more I wanted to push them away. I mean I can say "I love you" and hug and kiss them but to fully give all to them I don't know how. I have a real hard time letting people love me also. I seem too rather want someone not love me than to love me and express their love. I feel awkward when people do and don't know what too say or how too express my feelings back to them. I'm not making much sense because like I said when it comes to my feelings its hard for me to express them. Let's try again. I watch all these chick flick romantic movies and say "Man if only I was that girl" but really if I had that I am not sure what I'd do with it. I'd probably run away. I blame this on a few people but deep down I know I can only blame myself but here are the 3; my biological father, a boyfriend that died my senior year and an ex husband. All in a way have caused me to shut off my feelings too where I in a way have become a bitter person. Sure you never see it because I keep it mostly to myself but today I'm sharing with you all. You can't change the past I know this, but I wonder if things were different with any of them would I be a different person? Would I be able to open up and love better now as a woman? Would my marriage be more romantic? Would I be more affectionate? Would I be able to express my feeling more to the people that I love? For awhile this really bothered me, and I even went to talk to a counselor regarding how sad and angry I was all the time. They told me too write a letter to these people and too express my feelings to them and I did I think like 10 years ago but never gave it to them. I mean why would I? Closure I guess but then I wouldn't have anything to complain about now. LOL!!!

If you really knew me you'd know that because I have such a hard time with my feelings I turn everything into a joke. Just like I ended the paragraph above. I am so freaked out by feelings that I would rather make someone laugh than to see them cry, have anger or sorrow for me. Too be honest I joke a lot about my health and illness but deep down inside I'm scared as shit. I am so worried about what the future will bring I don't ever sleep well at night. I am constantly waking up because I am afraid of dying in my sleep. When Mike is gone I will sleep in the day or early afternoon but will be up all night watching TV or surfing the web because I fear I might die when he isn't here. I fear what would Dominic do if that happened and he was home alone? When Mike is home I do get a little more rest but still will wake up numerous times at night and I will just pray. Pray to God to give me another day. When he does I pray again to thank him for letting me have another day and then the cycle will start up again at night. I don't want people to worry about me, and I hate too talk about my illness because everyone gives me that same look like" Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for you." It kills me so instead I always play it off, make a joke about it, change the subject or something. Anything to get me away from my emotions and someone else feelings for me.

So if you really knew you, you'd know that I am really fucked up when it comes too feelings and emotions. I guess that is why I majored in Psychology; to figure myself out but I still haven't been able to understand fully why I am the way I am. I guess that means I need more schooling. I better start looking into getting my masters so I can figure myself out. See again with the jokes. I don't know how to be any other way.

Carmen San Diego

Thoughts of the day.

• What's important? Too be able to live long enough to see Dominic graduate from High School.
• What do you treasure most? Each day the lord lets me live another day with my family and friends.
• Favorite night out? Used to be a night on the town but now I must say my couch, a glass of wine, wrapped in my husbands arms watching a movie. Oh and Caya and Dominic at our feet.
• What did you always expect you'd be, but are not? A mother to many many children. I always wanted at least 3 children. But I am extremely happy with the one boy that I have and our awesome dog.
• What makes you sad? Seeing my husband, son, family, and friends sad due too my illness.
• What would you give to your son? Self-confidence
• What does the world need now? positivity

Week 6

This week I lost the most weight in one week than I have so far on this meal plan. I am down to 147.4. That is giving me a total lose of 7.4 pounds since I started. I'm pretty excited because that means I'm only about 12 pounds away from my goal. It's a slow process but hey I'm losing so it’s all good.
I went to see the doctor from Tibet earlier this week and didn't post about it because there really wasn't much too say. He always brings up my period or lack there of so I often wonder how screwed up my body is or would be if I wasn't on birth control pills to regulate my hormones? He said he wanted me to stick to the same diet plan and he increased those tasty (not) pills. He also told me that there was still a lot of mucus around my lungs which still floors me because he gets all this information just my touching my wrist. I am aware of this because my CAT scan came back that there was new growth of Fibrosis. I'm not sure when he says mucus he is referring to fibrosis or if it’s actually mucus, regardless I know my lungs aren't in the best shape and that I will try anything to live another day.
I plan to stick to this lifestyle change because I have started to get more energy. I used to say my cough was gone in the morning but it's returned but then again San Diego has been going through some weird weather so it could all be related to that. I was a bit discouraged when he talked more about my period than my lungs but with the language barrier we have its hard too really talk to him and ask a bunch of question. So my plan is to continue to see him until January but if I don't feel any drastic changes in my breathing then I will stop going to him. I won’t give up on the diet because I really do enjoy it. I just will stop going to see him and eating those nasty herbs. I can't justify forking out 110.00 a month for a visit to him and some herbs that may not be helping me. I'm not giving up I'm just going to not see him anymore after January if I don't see a change. I said I'd give it 3 good months and that is what I am sticking to.
Other than that, life is pretty good. Michael and I had that terrible dreaded talk regarding my plans for when I pass on. We need to go too the Lawyers too change my will but at least he knows my last wishes. It was hard at first too talk about but its something that we needed too do and be totally honest about it. Even outside of the disease I think any adult should have a will and should tell someone there last wishes because you don't know when you time is up. Are you interested in what I told him? Well maybe some time this week I'll posted my last wishes. Nothing too weird or anything but maybe not writing them now will make you read my blog more often. Sort of like a suspense movie. LOL.
Yes I already mentioned it; life is pretty good this week. That rubbing/popping feeling I have in my right lung is still there and so I didn't work out at all this week. But I don't feel it today so maybe I'll get some weight lifting in a little later. I have friends from CT in town so tonight they are coming over for dinner. It should be a lot of fun. Then in about a week my parents and brother will be here for Thanksgiving and so I'm trying to get the house together for them. It should be a great visit as long as I don't get sick. Well that's it. Got too start my day.

Happy Veteran's Day,
Carmen San Diego

Questions

1) What is you favorite type of chip? Pringles. Lite original
2) What do you order when you eat at Burger King? It's been so long but I usually ordered a chicken sandwich with no veggies just bread, chicken and mayo.
3) What color was your first bike? Red... I think
4) Who taught you how to ride a bike? My dad
5) What is your middle name? Renee
6) Do you bath in the tub or take a shower? Shower because that is all we have in our master bathroom but I love taking baths. They are so relaxing especially when you have a glass of wine and candles lit.
7) What is your favorite shampoo? Pantene for brunettes.
8) How many pillows do you sleep with? Well we have 7 on our bed, but I actually sleep with one that is doctor ordered for my acid reflux, one on my side and one pillow I call my "ba- Ba's" That I have had since I was an infant.
9) Do you sleep alone or with someone? With someone if not my hubby, then Dominic will crash in my bed after watching TV in bed when Mike is gone, and if its not him then Caya the dog will join me. Rather I hate sleeping alone or we have a comfortable bed that everyone wants to be a part of it.
10) Favorite candy? I like dark chocolate or things that are gummy.
11) What is your favorite salad dressing? Oil and vinegar
12) Fried chicken or grilled chicken? How about BBQ'd instead
13) Favorite TV show? The Office, Lost, The Nine, Prison Break, House, 24, the list goes on and one with the reality shows I watch as well. Man I watch a lot of television... TIVO has done this to me.
14) Favorite Nascar driver? I hate Nascar, but my boys like Jeff Gordon.
15) Favorite football team? Georgia Bulldogs and St. Louis Rams.
16) Hotdog or hamburger? Hamburger
17) Waffles or French toast? French toast
18) Who taught you how to drive? My dad poor guy.
19) Do you use fabric softener? Yes
20)What do you order at Subway?Don't go there much (I'm not a big fast food person) but I'd probably get a veggie 6" with extra cheese.

Week 5

So I have learned that when I'm depressed or under a lot of pressure or stress I still find myself going to food for comfort. I have had a bad week with trying to stay strong in my faith in God, trying to look at the positive side of things and only seeing the negative in everything. I'm sure everyone who has had to deal with a terminal illness or who has witness someone that is dying goes through these stages. It sucks, life sucks at these times but you do move on. I AM trying to move on.
I still have my faith in God, even though I still wonder if he is punishing me for things I did in the past. You know juvenile things like drinking before the age, smoking pot to fit in as a teenager and trying ecstasy in my early 20's because that was the "cool thing to do" then. Face it I'm a follower and have never been a leader. These traits are very big in my family. Not so much my parents, or maybe my parents were that way as kids who knows. I try to look at them as being the leader of their crew because they are such great adults. I can't see them ever falling for peer pressure. Any how, I see these "following" traits in my brother, cousins, and sadly even my son. Maybe we all want the shine but don't want the spot light, who knows? Or maybe its just all kids, young adults go through this to become better adults. I don't know, I feel that sometimes I am being punished for my past because I wasn't the best roll model I could be for other people. I hope that God isn't the type that is tick for tack because if he is then I am pretty much doomed and I might as well throw in the towel now. No, he's not like that. Is he? I have to believe in something because if I don't then dying to me would be nothing but rotting in the ground. I want to believe that your soul goes somewhere. Somewhere better than this place. Where there isn't any war or crime, or poverty, or even politics. Just a happy place that everything is relax and everyone gets along. I also want to believe in God because when I'm gone I want him to look after my family. I mean with me gone who's gonna remind Mike to check over Dominic's homework and to remind Dominic to wear deodorant? Who's gonna remind most of the family that is another family members birthday? All of these things I've took over as my role in the family and I can't imagine any of them remembering to do it with out me. Ahh, they will but I want to feel a little bit important right now. LOL!!!
So as you know I got yet again more bad news from the doctors. I actually haven't even told my parent because they take this disease I think harder than I do at times. I mean its hard I assume to watch your child go through something like this. Knock on wood. Dominic has been a pretty healthy child so far. So, unless they read my blog (which maybe they do every once in a while) they don't even know about my CAT scan results. I'm just sick of stressing them out. This week has been really hard for me. With Michael crying with me, it just put me over the top. I mentioned he's always been the strong person. Then at work telling the ladies about my news I also got upset and started to cry. I can't stress enough how much this disease sucks.
I'm not sure its any better but instead of turning too a glass of wine (which I have done in the past trust me) I turned to the huge bowl of Halloween candy that looks at me everything I walk past the kitchen. I didn't go through a binge eating attack or anything but I will admit I have had about 4 of those snack size Almond Joys this week and a piece of bubble gum and a snack size of those bone heads which taste like runts but are shaped like skeleton heads. I just had no will power. I should put it in the cabinet because then it'll be out of sight but in a way I want it to be gone, so the more its out there the more people will eat it. Plus, now its a challenge for me to see if I really can walk past it with out grabbing a piece.
That being said, when I got on the scale today I expected to see a 5 pound gain but instead it read 149.2 so I lost a whole 2 ounces. I guess I should be proud because it wasn't a gain but I know if I would of not turned to food during this stressful time it would of been more.
I am still battling this depressed feeling but know with time it'll pass. Michael has been wonderful this week, with giving me extra hugs and laying in bed with me and talking about the old days. Talking about the old days are a bit depressing but we tried to focus more on the funny times and not times where you can really see how bad I've gotten over the years. I really do have a wonderful husband and I know I don't tell him nearly enough. I think if any other guy I dated in the past had to deal with what we've been going through with this disease, they would of left. To tell you the truth I'm not sure I could emotionally handle it if the table were turned. It really sucks to watch myself go through it and I can only imagine how it feels as my husband, son or family deal with it everyday as well. Sometimes I think its harder for them because they know there is nothing they can do for me.
My goal this week is to try and get my emotions back in check. Exercise more than 2 times this week. I started the week off good but started feeling that "popping, rubbing" in my lung so I stopped. I always panic when it happens because that was what I felt when I collasped it the first time. The noise (feeling) is still there, so I am just going to have to ignore it and get my exercise in. Lastly I am going to try and stay clear of the candy bowl.
Going to the movies to see Saw 3 today with Jenny and then we are going get coffee after words. I thought getting out and about would be nice. Then when I get home I plan on catching up on my scrap books. I have been very lazy when it comes to my scrap books.
Maybe I'll write later on tonight to tell you my thoughts on the movie.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen San Diego

I'm getting so tired of these blogs!

So I'm getting really tired of these blogs. Not so much blogging because it really has become my therapy in some ways but the blogs where I have to share my bad news. Seems like that is all that I have never good news only bad. Or it seems by reading my blogs is for every one positive blog I write regarding my health there is always two or three negative to follow. So here goes:I called to other day to Dr. Shah my pulmonary doctor to get my results of my CAT scan. So he was nice enough to call me back much faster than last time. I was expecting good news because like I said I've never really had too badly of news when I've had them done. I mean they are always bad because my lungs are filled with fibrosis but I don't know what I was thinking I guess I was just hoping that he would tell me that nothing has changed since the last scan but sadly he didn't. Instead he told me that there wasn't too much new growth of fibrosis since the last one but looking from a year ago until now there has been a moderate amount of new growth. So, what do I do with this information? Well I kept my cool and didn't break down while talking to him I just wanted to know why every time I got one done in the past they kept telling me that everything is the same when really it wasn't. He told me that probably they were only looking at the most recent one and not comparing it to the ones from a year ago. You know any excuse to make them look like they are doing their job correct, but to me they aren't because all this time they were giving me false hope. We talked about the next steps for me and at this point there really isn't any next step. I will continue to do my diet and herbs and wear these lungs out until I can't use them anymore and then hopefully get a transplant. I say hopefully because a lot of people get turned down for organs for one reason or another so who knows if I will even be able to do that. There really isn't any medicine at this point to help because I've been on it all and nothing worked or there is such bad side effects to them that they don't think I should even try them until later. We hung up trying to stay positive but simply couldn't.When Mike got home I just couldn't control myself anymore. I just let it all out. I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. I think it was good to let it all out but I still get teary eyed because I didn't ask for this. The hardest point yesterday wasn't my tears but Michael's tears. He always plays the strong medical guy and when he started to cry I just lost it. He just kept telling me "I'm sorry you are going through this. This is such a terrible terrible disease."I try so hard to not let it get to me but I can't anymore. I know that my time is running out and I'm only freaking 33. I didn't plan this as a kid. I didn't ask to die at 33 or what ever young age it may be; I wanted to have children (not just one), get a degree and actually use it; not get sick and only be able to work part time. I didn't ask to have to live my life walking around on oxygen. I wanted to see my son graduate and maybe get married on day. I even wanted to be a Grandma one day. All of these things are being taken from me, I know it and my family knows it. I won't be able to probably see anything that as a young girl I thought I would be able too. How does someone stay positive when all they get is negative in return? People keep telling me "God only gives you what you can handle." Well how much really can I handle? I feel like I'm drowning. Looking at Mike and Dominic how much can they handle because they have to live with me and see me decrease everyday as well. This disease just isn't fair. I don't get it. Why did I get this? I honestly can't take it anymore. I really feel like I am going to have a nervous break down. I try and try to stay positive but I can't anymore. I really can't. I wish this disease would just take me. I don't like to have my husband, son, parents, family and friends all suffer because of my fucking disease. It's not fair to them. It really isn't!!! It's hard to think anymore that God listens to my or any ones prayers. I see how people can lose their faith in what ever God they believe in when they go through something life threaten. I feel I've been a fool all this time to believe in faith, power of prayer, miracles and now I even doubt these diet/herbs. I just doubt everything now. Life sucks it really does. It doesn't make since. I just don't understand what I've done so badly in my life that I have to go through this. That I have to let my family and friends go throw this. Please God tell me? Why me?