Just so tired

The past two days I'm been so tired. I'm not sure if its just the long weekend filled with so many get togethers, or if its something worse. I know I know I'm always thinking its something worse but I just feel like I can't get enough sleep or rest. Sounds like depression but what do I have to be depressed about. We leave tomorrow morning for vacation and I'm going to be able to see all my old friends from CT. And Brendan in Philadelphia. Life is really good. I Don't feel depressed at all. I think I'm just getting sick. What a time to get sick the day before my vacation. I've had headaches everyday since Sat. I thought my headache was from the moldy air at Michael's brothers house but then I got one the next day and the next day and again today. Oh Lord, I'm just falling apart. I haven't even packed yet. That's how blah I feel. I'm hoping that the headache will go away. I'll go to sleep real early tonight and then simply tomorrow will be a new good day. I go through this with my health. I'll have 3 or 4 really good days then 2 or 3 bad days. I guess the only difference this time is that I'm going on vacation and I don't want to be having a bad day while on it. So I wont be writing in here for a week or so, so being that this entry is sort of a "woe me" I don't want anyone to be concerned being that I am not on here for a while. I'm sure I'll be just fine, I just don't feel really well now. So unless something happensreally great between now and O'Dark:00 I wont be on here for awhile. Have a great week. Tomorrow is the first day of summer!!! That's awesome although it feels like summer already.

Carmen

feeling: tired and crappy
mood: numb

Busy weekend

Even though we should of been doing house stuff, we decided to enjoy the weekend with friends and family. Saturday we had dinner with Michael's brother. It was very low key. They BBQ'd pork steaks which are one of Michael's favorite especially if you do it St. Louis style. We haven't got together with them alone I don't believe since our blow up so it was a bit awkward but a step forward and possibly a step in the right direction. A lot has happened in San Diego, some of which was my fault. But I never right in my blog things that I wouldn't tell you to your face. Yes it gets me in lots of trouble because I don't hold back. Good or bad, I'll tell you. My parents have always raised me to be honest, so that is my motto. So any of you who read my last blog know I hurt their feelings because I put my opinions on a situation on the WWW and I hurt them really bad. It happened around the holidays which didn't make anything any better but we did have dinner and I guess in a way its their way of saying they are putting that behind them and moving forward. I've apologized to them numerous of times but when I get something in my head its really hard to change my views. Big flaw of mine I guess, but dinner was nice. Like I said its a step forward and we'll just see what happens next.

Father's day we started off doing really nothing. Mike got to watch Nascar (Nascrap is what I call it) with out me saying a word of how horrible of a so called sport it is. He opened his gifts we got him, which was a raiders cooler and a laser level thingy and he also will be going to the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows concert at the end of the month. So he had a really good Father's day. Then we went to Candy's house. Candy is my ex sister in law. Actually its harder than that, she's my ex sister in law, sister in law. Does that make any sense? We still are friends and Dominic still looks at them still as his Aunts, Uncles and cousins and what not. And their kids still call me Aunt Carmen and Uncle Mike. Anyhow, Jenny and Art my friend from work and her boyfriend also came over to the BBQ. We ate salsa, chips, sausage, shrimp, mushrooms, fajitas, rice and pasta salad. We had wine and just hung out in the back yard and enjoyed ourselves. I actually think this may have been Michael's favorite father's day, because we usually don't do much and I think he ate so much food that I know we wouldn't of got at home if I was cooking.

So like I said our weekend was filled with things to do but now that means we still have so much more to do that we have put off another weekend. It was nice though to be able to take a break from working on the house and enjoy the company of friends. Well I need to do come house work and then go get my nails done and eyebrows waxed. Man a womans day is never done. LOL!!!

Until I can think of something else too write,
Carmen San Diego

feeling: sluggish
mood: calm

What I've learned these past few days.

So I sent out one of these questionnaire things to everyone I know just about, and they are suppose to answer questions about me. Maybe you've got one of these before, but it's like what's my middle name, what do I do for fun, best moment you remember of me and so forth. So actually everyone that sent it back to me did pretty well and knew me pretty well but I'm a little concerned that everyone mentioned how much wine I drink. Then I even named my new blog good times and box whine (hence wine but I decided to be a little different) and I actually am writing (typing) this as I am drinking a glass of wine. So my concern is maybe I drink to much wine. Maybe I'm a alcoholic? I always joke that I'm a drunk not an alcoholic because I'm not a quitter (get it?) but maybe I should really evaluate the whole situation. I mean I think I'm fun and have a good time and actually everyone did mention I was a great friend and had great memories of me but they all mentioned wine. I'm starting to get a complex though. I honestly don't drink to much I don't think, I don't ever get that drunken feeling well I shouldn't say never because if we ever have a house party then I do let myself have more than my "glass" of wine but rarely do I ever get drunk so to say like I did in my early 20's. So I'm just a bit concerned that maybe my friends think I'm a big drunk or something. I don't think I am, but I must admit I do enjoy my wine. Can I live with out it? Yes. Do I want to? No not really because I enjoy it. Does that mean I'm addicted to alcohol? I'm not sure. I know I don't need it, I just enjoy it. I don't ever call in sick because I'm hung over or smell like booze the next day or anything like that, that comes to mind when I think of a drunk, but I'm wondering what is the first sign of alcoholism? Is it enjoying a glass of wine with dinner most nights? Have I passed the first step? I'm not sure. So I'm actually going to sign off now, finish my "glass" of wine and think hard about what my friends wrote in that questionnaire.

Mood: confused
feeling: very tired. TGIF.

Heading to the pool.

Took another test today and learn that a few of the things that I qualified for before are good for 3 years. So, that has helped me a bit because now all I have to do is, check in for these positions and see when there is a school or site I'm interested in and just call to be on the interview list. Much faster and easier than reapplying again. The test today was pretty simple. Much easier than the test I took the day before. So hopefully that will get graded quickly so I'll have that position to apply for as well. I believe (should I say hope) that by the next school year, I should be working for the school board as some sort of employee. That's right up my alley and I enjoy the school system. Really all I know since I've been doing it for so long but I just can't really work in the classroom anymore where I'll be running around after kids, too hard for me to keep up but an office job or working with an guidance counselor is right up my field.

Not much else going on here. Mike is out to sea and so it's D and I again, which means we usually hang out eat cereal for dinner and relax. I can do that when Mike is here but I like to cook for him when I'm feeling well enough. Besides the only time Dominic wants to cuddle up with me and hang out with me is when his dad is gone. I guess at 10 you get to the age where its not cool to love up on your momma anymore. Or atleast not in front of anyone. There is one exception to this rule ok two. If you are forced which he has been in the past and if he's sick then he wants all the loving and attention he can get, but then again who doesn't.

It's his half a day today from school, so I'm going to sign off of here and we are heading to the pool. I'm wearing more skirts these days (why I have no idea, mainly because I'm usually like two sizes smaller in a skirt than in pants because I don't have to get them to fit my hips; just my waist) so I am trying to get my legs tanner. They are white. Well not white like most of you anglos but a light tan that is extremely different shade than my face and arms which are a dark caramel. LOL!!!

Thanks for listening,
Carmen

If: If you had to choose the person from your family you most admire, who would it be?I think I'd pick my Grandma Jean. She raised 5 kids all alone. Put them in private school and 3/5 ended up getting BA/BS in college. I want to say that two of them even have Masters and 3 of the 5 raised awesome families, 4 of them have successful jobs and so my Grandma must of did something right to raise such great kids. So for that I admire her for doing it all alone and yet all of them have their great talents and/or strengths.

Feeling: Pretty good today a little winded but I've been alot worse.

On the go go go

Didn't have much time to even breath today. (ok I did have time for that) but I was on the go since this morning. I went to the school board and took my first of three test and passed so I am waiting to get the paper work to get finger printed and a TB test done. After that I had to go register Dominic at the Santee district and that was a pain because they would take his shot record because some of them didn't have signatures on them. Then they gave me the run around regarding his IEP but it wasn't as bad as I make it sound I was just hungry, and had/have PMS. Then I had to go get Dominic from school and once we came home we all left to go pick out the stuff we want for the remodeling of our bathroom but the store closed early so that set me off in a mood, so we simply decided to call it a night and go out to eat instead.

Once I ate and had my glass of vino I was much better and in a much better mood. When we got home Mike and I spoke to to IM a long lost pal and are actually going to have dinner with him and his wife on Saturday. A lot of time has passed since we actually been around them so we'll see what happens. I am not going to get my hopes all up.

So its late, I have another test to take in the am so I'm going to sign off and watch Last Comic Standing.

Until I can think of something else to write,
C.

IF: If you had to guess that two people at work were having an affair, who would it be? Well there is only one guy at work and almost everyone I work with is related some how, so I'm going to play it safe and say the two work dogs; Marmalade and Stubby. Ones a cocker spaniel and the other a beagle

Glory Road

Just wanted to say that the movie Glory Road was two thumbs up. A bit sad at times but worth every dollars I spent on Netflix to rent it. Sad to think that one time things were so different for anyone of color. Still have a long way to go in some states or areas but we have come a LONG way to say the least. I know I'm glad to be living in the time that I am especially being a person than is half African American. Things are much more accepted for me and rarely does race ever come up. The only time it has for me is when I applied for grants for college and once in a while I'll have to check a box for a survey a job is having. I'm sure it has to do with equal opportunity or what not but I never really have to discuss my color or ethnic background to anyone unless I actually choose to. I'm sure if I lived a young life in the 60's my life would of been a whole different situation. I count my blessings everyday for who and what and when I am me. Ok going to watch Dateline. If you haven't seen the movie I say "Do it" its great.

C.

Great times with old friends

The weekend has come and gone and so I finally have a little time to sick drink my cup of coffee and write a bit in my blog, before I head out to run some errands. We had our first guest in our new home. Scott and Sherri Latti. (their last name is like 16 letters long and so I'll stop while I'm ahead). We haven't seen them since we move out of Key West and so it was great catching up and meeting their children for the first time. We had a BBQ with other friends and our extended family and everyone seemed to have a great time. It was really nice just drinking rum punch, eating, laughing and laughing even more. I love when we have our get togethers because I love being around people. I am limited to what I can do these days due to my lung function so I always get really excited when we get invited to a cook out or when we have one. Don't need to much energy to sit around and be with friends so to me it's like going out on an awesome night out in town with friends but instead it's in a home. I also worry (yes you who read my blog on a regular basis no I worry) that I may not have much time with all my friends and family so I try as much as I can to spend as much time with them as possible. It's so weird. Me I'm the it I'm talking about, how one minute I can see myself ten years down the road having a great time enjoying life, maybe limited like it is now but still alive. Then I'll have a coughing attack which happens more now in the past 6 months than ever but they are different coughing attacks and I'll explain those later for the few who read this to get my health updates. And I'll think to myself "This is it. I have about a week left to live. It's to late for a transplant blah blah blah." I say blah blah blah, because at the moment I think I'm just whining but if I was in the middle of a coughing attack I would be crying instead of whining So right now I simply tell myself to suck it up you big baby and move forward. I have to remind myself to do that a lot these days. Not to live in the past but to see the future and to focus on that not the past. The past though is so permanent and the future is so well unpredictable so it scares the hell out of me. All the unknowns it holds and what not, but change is good. I am a big believer of that and so I try, try, try to remember that ever step of the way.
What else. I'm still sending out my resume but am focusing on the school and have two test to take this week so wish me luck. I'd like to stay at my current job 2 days a week like I have been but if for some reason I can't then I will just have to make an effort to have more get togethers with the girls there. Jenny comes to everything we have or do and so I'm sure know matter what happens in the job field we'll continue to be friends.
Ok for all you health lurkers. I believe I am doing ok, although as I mentioned earlier my coughing attacks are a little bit different. I used to have coughs that were dry and last a while and I'd get winded and finally they go away after long minutes of coughing. Now they are still dry and I still get winded and feel like my life is gonna end during these attacks or that I am going to collaspe another lung but after a while of nonstop coughing I end up throwing up. It's mostly phylem (is that how you spell it) but once I throw up I feel much better. So I simply am turning bulimic or something else is wrong with me. I am going to a gastro doc. July 17th so maybe they can tell me who this is happening. I'm not to worried because once I get sick my cough stops and so for me its a relief.
Ok so all this talk of barf has caused me to become hungry (Ha Ha) so I am signing off to get a bite to eat.

Until I can think of something else to write,
Carmen

5/10/06

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Thoughts running in my head!!!!
I need to get my eyebrows waxed and my nails done soon.
what should we eat for the next few days before I/we go to the commissary
52.00 of gas and still barely got a half tank. Damn!!!
people who claim to be so for the USA going to war and sending our troops over probably don't have a loved one (spouse or whatever) that could be killed while over there.
love the feeling of balancing my check book and finding an extra 200.00. Go me!!!
we should have the key to our new place by Monday.
getting the keys means we have no more relaxing weekends, but in the long run it'll be so worth it.
fat man walking: maybe I should do something like that to raise money for Scleroderma and/or Pulmonary Fibrosis.
Talked to Maria yesterday, it was nice hearing a friends voice.
got one negative email followed by two positive, which means when you are down you always get back up.
heard Teddy ans Kathy went on the South Beach Diet and lost a lot of weight. More than they need. Maybe Mike and I (and D) should try it again and give it a real chance for success.
Looking for to seeing Sheila and Honey this weekend for our game night at Sheila's
looking forward to seeing Marc this weekend. He always seems to make D and I laugh plus Michael likes spending quality time with him. Wish he'd bring Donna I feel like I haven't seen her in a long time.
Christians like to say tuur the other cheek and to forgive peoples sins as Jesus did but a lot of them don't practice what they preach. I know I've been guilty of this. I've always been good at forgiving but never do I forget. I always remember how and what you did. One of my biggest flaws I think.
Everyone has their own beliefs on the immigrants and there parading the streets and I don't at all like to talk politics but I almost feel bad for these immigrants. They come to America, home of the free, in search of jobs and to fulfill there dreams, but we are now telling them to get out. It's not their fault they were born in a shitty country. BUT if you are going to come to America then learn the language. I would have to if I moved to Mexico, France, Germany ect... I'm so wishy washy about this topic but it's been running in my head so I thought I'd mention it.
Got to watch yesterday American Idol so tonight I wont be so surprised when who ever gets the boot. I just hope it's not Taylor or Chris. They are my favorite. Chris because he can sing and Taylor because that white boy can dance. NOT!!!!! But he is a great singer.
Feeling: really good but my lung is popping again. First time in a long time I've felt that, but I'm not going to let my anxiety take over and cause a panic attack. I'm thinking happy thoughts and hopefully it'll just go away. But the popping has been going on for three days now. If it continues, I guess I'll have to suck it up and go to the doctors to see if it's collasping. Darn it! I can't seem to stay away from that place.
If you could have overheard a specific conversation between any two people, which would it be? It would be any two people talking about me. I'd like to know what people say about me when I'm not around, rather it good or bad, I just want to ease drop a bit. :)
posted by carmen @ 5:43 PM

5/7/06

Sunday, May 07, 2006

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
I would have played more as a child instead of wanting to grow up and be an adult.
I would of played more with Pete Manzo even though he had green teeth and stuck up for him more when the neighborhood kids made fun of him because of his teeth. He was always nice to me but I wanted to fit in with the cool kids. I also would have not made fun of the mentally retarded kid who would yell and rock back and forth on the balcony, just to fit into the cool club.
I would of rode my bike and swung on the swings, played with Barbies and focused on my girlscouts, and not steal the church's communion and then go play church in the woods. I would of broke up the fights between Peter and Laura when they fought and not been scared to butt in because I was friends with both of them.
I would of enjoyed my youth and lived each moment to the fullest.
If I could turn back time I would not be such a follower as a teen and more of a leader.
I would not have sneaked alcohol from the Deacon Kirby's house with his granddaughter or my house to be cool.
I wouldn't of been so confused about am I black or white and settled for the between, caramel.
I would not have fallen for every guy that gave me attention and instead focused more on my studies and dancing and softball.
I wouldn't of ran away from home just because my parents grounded me or done drugs because of peer pressure, I would of held my head up high and proved that I'm better than that.
I wouldn't of lost my virginity to an idiot and fell for all his stupid lines that he gave to me and all my friends who also lost their virginity to. I would of waited for my Mr. Right and not my Mr. Wrong.
I would of been nicer to Billy probably my first love who I thought I had wrapped around my finger. For once I helped someone, I was the leader, I helped him get his GED, and stop smoking pot and get a job and later join the Army, but in that time, I became one of the cool "mean girls"; I had all the power, I was mean to him and gave him the toughest love anyone would ever want. I was bitter and plain old mean to him, because I knew he owed me so much because of everything I did for him. He went off to the Army and as any good girlfriend I would write and call him and support his every more, but every time he came to visit I'd be mean again. I'm not sure why but I was. I just new no matter what he'd come back, if I was mean or not. Finally a friend Emily told me what a bitch I was to him and opened my eyes and so I decided his next visit, I'd be different I'd be nice, and tell him just how much he meant to me. Gulf Storm happened and I wasn't given that chance. He died, and all I have are memories of me being mean to him, and all he left this world with are those memories as well.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't of joined the Navy twice. I would of joined and stayed in atleast 4 years so they could of paid for my college degree. I would of traveled the world as much as I could in the four years of the Navy life and not stopped in Miami and married the first Cuban that gave me attention. Instead I would of married once to the husband I have now the love of my life and had his children and lived happily ever after just as I am now.
Going through my divorce I would of hugged my son more instead of putting my sorrows in alcohol, and pot and racking up my credit cards knowing that I couldn't later afford it.
I would of loved my figure the way it was and not taken Phen Phen to lose the weight. I would of remembered that beauty is not just on the outside but on the inside as well.
I would of spent more time with my sisterhood of the traveling pants and not so much partying and taking E to get over my depression of a failed marriage.
If I could turn back time I would learn to forgive and forget and not just one.
I'd be closer to my brother in law and sister in law instead of fucking it up the first chance I got. I'd be closer to other extended family members and not worry about who's feelings I may hurt.
I'd worry about how I feel and not how my mother, father, brother, son, aunt, uncle, cousin, in- laws and so forth feel because they don't have these feelings eating at them inside; I do.
If I could turn back time I'd get rid of this dumb disease and be able to enjoy life more. I wouldn't get winded walking upstairs or inclines. I wouldn't of collasped a lung (twice) and I would not have to worry when the next time I collasped another one. I wouldn't worry about when I'm going to die and if people will miss me and where will I be buried or if they will cremate me. If they cremate me where will they throw my ashes, or will they put me in an urn? I'd spend every moment laughing instead of gasping for air. I wouldn't have to cancel plans because I'm winded. I would not have to go to doctors and get blood taken and test done. I'd be healthy and not have to worry if I'll wake up again once I'm asleep.
If I couldn't turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing, because if I did I wouldn't be me and this wouldn't be my life, my story.
posted by carmen @ 5:59 PM

5/5/06

Friday, May 05, 2006

From someone else blog.
"melba said...Back in November I wrote a post and in it I told a childhood story from my perspective about my stepmother. I rarely talk to or see my father. When he first heard I had a blog, was writing and creating he sent me very supportive emails, he said he was glad that I was following my dreams.I didn't think he read my blog every post so I really didn't think about how what I was writing would effect him. So after that post in November he sent me a very disappointing email. He said my memory was wrong. He chooses to see our childhood one way and we (me, my sister and two bothers) choose to all tell the same truth from our perspective. Since that post we haven't spoken or emailed. He did send Maggie a card a few days ago for her birthday and I am not sure how I will ackowledge it. I have thought about this subject a lot. This is my blog. I write what I want. I am aware though that my words can effect others and I do choose them carefully, but I try not to hold back. The thing is reading someone's blog is a choice. If someone doesn't like what they are reading they can stop. Be true to yourself. I know it can be difficult, but we both know that your truth can set you (and all of us) free... "You know I was reading some of the comments from other blogs, and this one really jumped out to me. This Melba talks about being yourself because it's you own blog, your own feelings, your own views. I've stopped being my own self since December and have bit my tongue on many things but haven't felt the same about myself or my writing. That is why I feel that I haven't been writing as much in here or longed to express myself. I feel holding all my thoughts in and not sharing them or putting them in writing has somewhat caused me to be depressed and withdrawn. As anyone knows I've always been the big mouth that expresses her opinions and aren't afraid to hold back in my beliefs. Like I said an incident occurred back in December where someone feelings got hurt by my thoughts but I never threw my blog at them. I never said here read this. I don't ask anyone to read my blog. A few comments are great to get every now and them, but mostly I do this to vent or to have something for when my time does come that my family has something to read to know how I was feeling on such and such day. Just as this Melba wrote to someone one else, "This is my blog. I write what I want. I am aware though that my words can effect others and I do choose them carefully, but I try not to hold back. The thing is reading someone's blog is a choice. If someone doesn't like what they are reading they can stop. Be true to yourself. I know it can be difficult, but we both know that your truth can set you (and all of us) free... "So to save my insanity I'm going back to my old self. Who knows maybe it'll be the same as it have been since December but I don't want to feel like I have to hold anything in. This is my blog and if you don't like what I write in it then simply don't read it. The dead has arisen and so the Ol'Carmen is back. Sorry in advance if any of you don't like what I write. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. It's that simple.Until I can think of something else to write.CarmenMood: refreshedfeeling: much better than last night in the ERIf: If you were to close down any charity, which one would you chose? I'd chose that one charity that Marty used to donate some money to some child in a poor country and it ended up being a scam. It was one of thosedonate 11 cents a day things. All crap one big scam.
posted by carmen @ 3:06 PM

4/14/06

Friday, April 14, 2006

another set of questions
1) How old do you wish you were? I wish I was 28 again. 2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? CT driving to my college class3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? shack it until it gives me what I wanted4) Do you consider yourself kind? yes very much5) If you would get a tattoo, what part of your body would you get it on? I have a tramp stamp already ( for anyone that doesn't know where that is it's the lower back where you pants fall)7) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish8) Do you know your neighbors? yes but not very well9) What do you consider a vacation? no work for at least 4 days.10) Do you follow your horoscope? pretty much11) Would you move for the person you loved? have already a few times12) Are you touchy feely? no not really unless I'm drunk13) Do you believe that opposites attract? yes I married my opposite14) Dream job? owning a care center for children but more so for children with special needs or emotional needs. 14.5) Real job? bookkeeper 15) Favorite channel? now that we bought a home anything that has home improvement stuff on it.16) Have you ever attempted suicide? not really attempted but have thought about it a few times 17) Favorite place to go on weekends? actually I don't like to go, I like to just relax in my pj's all day long and do nothing.18) Showers or Baths? mostly baths these days because of my windedness from standing up for to long.19.) Do you paint your nails? yep hardly ever go with out paint on them.22) Do you trust people easily? yes unless they seem shady23) What are your phobias? yes a few24) Do you want kids? I have one boy that is awesome so he is all that I need.25) Do you keep a handwritten journal? no just a blog. 26) Where would you rather be right now? in my new home 28) Who makes you feel guilty? spending money on myself29) Heavy or light sleep? light sleep. But I can fall asleep just about anywhere just can't seem to stay asleep.30) Are you paranoid? only if I smoke pot. Ha Ha!!!! I don't do that. No I'm not paranoid.31) Are you impatient? not really32) Who can you relate to? most of my friends and family members who I keep in touch with. 33) How do you feel about interracial couples? more power to us.34) Have you been burned by love? yep35) Whats your life motto? live each day like it's your last. 36) WHATS YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE? something that sounds like a porn song37) Do you have a crush on the person who filled this out before you? who filled it out Matthew Mccoughney (can't remember how to spell his last name. If he did then YES) 38) Have you ever sent out a dirty text? yep to my hubby39) WHOS BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT? my boyfriends, no just kidding, My own king size bed all alone once the dog left.40) WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? sage green41) MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED? 2 for the money42) NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES: wedding ring, rig on my right hand and my tattoo. Anything else is optional43) WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS? off white right now44) HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW? 9 bucks45) What is your favorite part of the chicken? breast (I'm a boob girl LOL)46) What's your favorite town/city? Boston and NYC 47) I can't wait to/ (til)...? finish theses questions48) When was the last time you saw your mom? Jan.49) When was the last time you saw your dad? Jan50) When was the last time you talked to them? a few nights ago51) What did you eat for dinner last night? pizza rolls52) Would you kiss on the first date? yes, but my first dates are long over now after being married for so long.
posted by carmen @ 7:26 PM

4/8/06

Saturday, April 08, 2006

poem
Poetry in the face of sclerodermaOne Breath at a Time-I found one day I could not breathewith life caving in around me.I stopped to think and pray a while.The road ahead went on for miles.Time is ever drifting away.How can I make it one more day,to find out what it's likewith one breath at a time?As dreams fall short of hopefuland memories haunt my soul,I look to find that life goes bywith one breath at a time.Take one breath at a time.It's easier that way.You can't take it all at onceno matter how you try.Too much of it will make you choke,not enough and you'll never know.And when you think you're all aloneTake one breath at a time.Written by Jenna a women who also has Scleroderma

4/6/06

Thursday, April 06, 2006

If you are wondering?
WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX? HELL NO!!!!!
WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? MSU (Michigan)long sleeve T-shirt
HAVE YOU EVER MADE A FOOD ITEM THAT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THE RIGHT WAY? IF SO WHAT? Yes, too many to name them all.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? As a child I wanted 5 but now I have one and that is all I need. He's the best kid in the world.
DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS? yep the best I think, but I am a daddy's girl.
DO YOU MAKE OVER 60K A YEAR? no
WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE? I like old names like Olivia, and Sophia.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT CHOCO TACOS? Gross
WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S NAME? Sharon
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY? My friends through me a party in CT.
WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE? Some tone that sounds like a porn song.
WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP? 6:15 am
WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 7:00PM TWO NIGHTS AGO? drinking wine and watching the movie Walk the Line.
HOW MANY EX'S DO YOU STILL TALK TO? none that I can think of
HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANYTHING WAXED? IF SO WHAT? Eyebrows
NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO. Can't wait to go on a cruise.
LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM? In Jan 2006.
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? yep sure do.
WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? My lungs

4/1/06

Saturday, April 01, 2006

April Fools Day and 9 years married
No joke, today is Michael and my 9th anniversary. Man, I never thought that we would make it this far. For awhile there I believe that the both of us took our marriage on a day to day basis. Now I know that I could not ask for a better man. He has really stuck to our vows when it says to love the in sickness and in health. Not many men I feel would have taken the road that we have taken and been so good about it and supporting. He really has been my strength through all of my illness. If it wasn't for him, I really do think I would be a lot worse than I am today. He keeps my spirits up and tries no matter what to look at the brighter side of things. I can't say being a military wife has been all that easy either. When I was going through my chemotherapy he wasn't there and when I needed him when I was in the hospital it was like pulling teeth to get the boat to send him home. There has been so many times when I thought "this lifestyle sucks and that I didn't vision this when I pictured myself married."; but overall I wouldn't change a thing. Michael really is my soulmate and the love of my life. These past few years he's proven his love for me in more ways than I could ask for. I just pray that God lets me live long enough to share more years with him and our beautiful family.Happy Anniversary baby I love you more than I could ever express,Carmen Quote:"It matters if you just don't give up."Stephen William HawkingFeeling : in love all over againmood: sexual (hee hee)

3/26/06

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Random thoughts
1. I have a big: butt and two legs to go with it.2. I wish I was: healthier3. I am so tired of: being winded4. I hate: people who are fake5. I was: thinking that I wish all dreams came true6. My boss is: still sick, please keep her in your prayers.7. This weather: is awesome8. My friends are: my saviors9. I like to: cook and drink wine10. This morning I woke up:at 11am after a long night out with the boys11. I am very: good at telling people the truth no matter what.12. My bed is really: big and confyyyy!!13. My car is: black14. My mom said that I should: follow my dreams and never let anyone walk all over me.15. Myspace (blog)is for: keeping in touch with friends that I don't see very often now and for telling people things that I don't want to share with them face to face like my health.16. When I get home: I wanna lay down on the couch and watch tv with a glass of red wine17. My phone is: cordless18. When I am in a bad mood: I write in here or drink a glass off wine or go for a drive.19. My room is: white20. I want to get: a new house that doesn't have stairs21. I wish I had: A house in Florida and Ca.22. My Computer is: black and silver23. This weekend: I have company in and its awesome to see him and to watch Mike andhim get their air band back together24. When I get excited I: get a big a#% smile on my face and do the happy dance25. I want people to: smile all the time26. The last time I watched a movie was: a few days ago27. I wish it was: summer all the time like in Key West28. I feel: comfortable right now after taking a tour on the Seal tours
posted by carmen @ 5:49 PM

Stay Gold By Stevie Wonder one of the best songs Ever!!!

Cease ... upon the moment long ago

One breath away and there you will be

So young and carefree again you will see

That place and time

So gold

Still ... away into that way back when

You thought that all would last forever

But like the weather nothing can ever

And be in time

Stay gold

But can it be ... when we can see

So vividly a memory

And yes you say so lost a day

To fade away

And leave a red sun

So gold

Life ... is but a twinkling of an eye

Yet filled with sorrow and compassion

Though not imagined all things that happen

Will age to old

Though gold
Stay Gold

-Stevie Wonder-

3/15/06

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

One wish
If: If I could have one wish, I'd wish that life wasn't a challenge anymore. I'd wish to be able to breathe normal again, like in Key West or even Groton. I'd wish to not have such a hard time walking up stairs, or getting winded moving from one place to another. I'd will to be able to walk without any trouble. Everything I do these days is a challenge and I'm so sick of it. I take baths mostly now because standing for a long time I get tired. When I get ready in the morning I do everything sitting down because I get winded. I hate cleaning because its so hard for me, yet that used to be what I loved doing to kill time. I hate stairs. All stairs and/or inclines are like climbing a mountain. Only time I feel great is if I'm sitting but that is not my personality so I get bored then move around and then get winded again. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. Everything I do is a struggle these days, and things have to be cancelled because "I'm winded". I hate having Mike and Dominic have to suffer through my life, my disease. I feel bad that they are dealing with my disease. I just wish rather I'd get a new lung or die, but this being winded doing normal daily things is for the birds. I'm over it. I just wish to be able to breathe. Sometimes I feel that I'm dying a slow painful death. This IS probably what I am doing but I don't want to; not yet I'm only 32. I have a whole life ahead of me. My time can't be up yet. I want to see Dominic grow up and become a man or atleast a teen. But I don't want to do it like this. You're only given one life but this isn't the life I had visioned for myself. Please God let me breathe. I'm sick of coughing, and trying to catch my breath. I don't want to be like this anymore.Please let me breathe! Find a cure or give me some sort of medicine that will help me live a better, more normal life. PLEASE!!!!!
posted by carmen @ 8:14 AM

2/26/06

Sunday, February 26, 2006

What I know about Stars!
There are so many meanings when you hear the word star. It could be the lights in the sky, or the people we watch on TV or in movies. It could even be the people in your life that touch you in a special way. What I do know is that there are stars that I wish on in the sky every time I see them. Rather it's Twinkle Twinkle little Star or a shooting star or simply one that stands out to me. When I see them, I wish on them. They are my daily candle I blow out like on a birthday cake wishing for what ever it may be from being debt free, to winning the lottery, to getting over my cold, bad mood or simply what I usually wish for, to live another day or to have someone find a cure for Scleroderma. Maybe cheesy but this is what I do.As far as the stars on TV. As much as I'd love to have the money and the big MTV crib, I wouldn't want all the drama of that lifestyle. I wouldn't want people knowing every move I do. I wouldn't want the paparazzi's waiting outside my house and following me on my daily errands. I wouldn't want my every move rather its an accomplishment or a regret out there in public for all the world to judge me. Yes, having a blog I throw myself out to the whole world to judge me but for some reason that doesn't scare me as much as someone taking pictures of me and chasing me in their cars to get that one great picture that "Star" magazine will pay the big bucks for. No way is that for me. I also wouldn't want to marry a so called star because I don't think I could handle the whole idea of a watching my mate doing a love scene that may be steamier that the one that we have in the bedroom. Nope, again not my style. I'd love to be holding Matthew Mccoughney or Denzel Washington or George Clooney's arm and walk down the red carpet but I wouldn't change what I have for anything.My true stars are my wonderful husband, for everything he does for me and our family. He may drive me crazy at times and I know I drive him crazy but in the long run he's the only man for me.My awesome son, who loves me unconditionally and does anything I ask with out any lip or rolling of eyes. (At least that I know of :) )My parents for being such great supporters and teaching me how to respect others and myself.My brother who I treated like my own personal doll when he was a baby, but as he grew older I grew even more like a mother figure because I wanted to protect him from anything and anyone. Now as both of us adults, he keeps me young and makes me laugh and has taught me to laugh at myself as well. Which is hard for anyone to do and accept.All my friends and of course family members who accept me for me, not for pretending I'm someone I'm not. Who take me for all my strengths and weakness.You all are my true Super Stars!!!!!
Mood: lazy and relaxed
feeling: a little bit hung over from to much wine last night
quote:."Our real enemies are the people who make us feel so good that we are slowly, but inexorably, pulled down into the quicksand of smugness and self-satisfaction." -- Sydney Harris
If: If you could change one thing in the world right now, what would you alter? I'd get rid of our president. Ouch!!! I know, but I can't do that until I find someone to replace him, so I guess at this time he has to stay; but not for long I hope.

2/25/06

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Happy Birthday Dominic!!!
Wow ten years old already. I can still remember the day that you came into my life. I needed you so much, I dreamt about you as a child and knew one day as an adult I'd have my little boy. You were and still are everything I ever imagine you'd be and even more. I can't think of anything bad or regretful that could of been from you entering my life. The only time I thought "why, why me" when it came to you was when you were 10 months old and you got real sick and had a seizure and the ambulance had to come and help you. It was like 2 in the morning and the dog we had at that time woke me up thank God by barking at me. Thank God for Rocky because when I went into your room you were shaking in your crib. I was so young, I believe 23 and was so scared. I just remembered yelling for my roommates and praying that you'd be ok. That you wouldn't leave me, because you were all I had. I was so scared Dominic. You ended up having RSV, some bacterial infection that children get. But you were in the hospital for two weeks maybe longer. They ran every test on you, from a spinal tap, to cat scan to all types of blood work. You were a good trooper and survived and haven't been that sick since thank goodness because I wouldn't ever want you to leave me. You've been the best thing that has happened to me. You made me understand what it is to love again and you made me grow up and you also taught me to laugh again which for a while there I forgot. You really are my inspiration in my life. I just hope that you understand just how much I truly love you and pray that my disease doesn't take me away from you to soon. I want to see each birthday with you and watch you grow old.I looked up some interesting fact about when you were born and here they are.The year 1996
Astronomers at Lick Observatory discover new plants, galaxies, and dark matter outside our solar system that could support life.
Magic Johnson returns to play basketball even though he has HIV.
Milk cost 2.72
bread cost 1.62
a new car was around 13,600.00
gallon of gas was 1.11
a new house cost about 119,250.00
ER was named best drama series
Frasier was named best comedy
Bomb kills 19 US servicemen in Saudi Arabia.
Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorce.
First democratically elected Palestinian parliament.
Clinton was re-elected president.
Seal got best album of the year.
Here's to you Dominic. I love you sweetheart.
Feeling: so wonderful to be able to celebrate with Dominic on his 10th birthday
mood: awesome
If: If you could, in retrospect, change one thing about your childhood, what would it be? I think as a child I wanted to grow up so fast. So I think I would slow down and enjoy being a kid more.
Quote:"Some tubes surround themselves with psycho mates imagining that this makes them strong. Less likely to get hurt by our cruel world, when obviously the reverse is true." Irvine Welsh.
posted by carmen @ 11:23 PM

2/9/06

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Quiet house!
I'm the only one hear and it's a scary feeling. I don't like to be alone. I used to love my "me time" but now I'm always afraid that something will happen and no one will be here to help me. It's completely silent and all I hear is the dishwasher running. Can that dumb old thing call 911 if I need it to? No husband, son, dog or guest right now. Just me, and I don't like it. I need to hurry up and write and move on with my day and wait to not be alone anymore. Soon I'll have people around me but this feeling of no one here now is unpleasant to me and I feel really scared. Why should I be scared? It's just me and my house alone. Well I guess I have you who is reading this.I dreamt again last night, I guess you dream every night so they say but this time I dreamt of God or Jesus I can't remember. It was a man and he looked like the guy in Passion of Christ so I'm assuming it was Jesus. And he told me to "Ask for forgiveness in the things I have done in my past to hurt others. Do it now before time is up." Deep huh? I know Maybe that is why I was dreaming of Saints before, maybe that is why I'm scared to sit alone in my house. Because I don't know it my time is up. I hope not, at least when I haven't even started to ask for my forgiveness from the people I think I've hurt over my past years. So if you get a letter from me or an email telling you I'm sorry or what not or some sort of explanation why things happened the way they did. Then I guess I feel that I owe you a reasoning and feel the need to say I'm sorry for what ever it is. If you don't get one, well it's not that I don't care. I just feel rather we've moved past that stage or that I don't think I have did anything to ask for forgiveness for. I guess the ones who don't get something for me, have been there like a marriage "Better or worse and sickness and in health." So I'm gonna sign off, start my day and start getting these letters out.Mood: extremely excited to start a clean slate in my life.Feeling: even though I'm scare to be alone, I am feeling wonderful over allQuote: Read above what Jesus said to me in my dreams. That's a deep enough quote for me.
posted by carmen @ 8:08 AM

1/26/06

Thursday, January 26, 2006

You ever have one of those days where you just feel like crawling under a rock and disappearing? Well that has been my whole time in San Diego. I love it out here and I have a job that I really enjoy (minus the hours) so why do I complain you may ask? I ask myself the same question. I guess its because when ever I try to do good or make something/someone better it back fires on me. Like people really take what I say and dissect it until the whole meaning of what I meant is all screwed up and then I have to back track my steps to figure out where I went wrong. I never knew my voice was so powerful until I moved to San Diego. But my voice has done me nothing but negative since I been here. I really am starting to think that San Diego is cursed or maybe it me. God's testing my strengths in him or something. I look back at our short stay so far here in SD and more negative has happened than positive. Lets recap, Mike has to go back to CT for 2 months, and has to leave D and I here alone with no friends and new surroundings. Granted it not his fault but it still happened. Then I collaspe my lung not once but twice. Again no one to blame I guess but myself. So then I'm out of work and try to get unemployment or what ever it was I tried to claim and then CA. denies me saying I haven't lived in the state long enough. Well that's not my fault either. I didn't plan on collasping a lung the first two months I've been here. Then I said some thing in my blog about someone which granted it totally was my fault and I should of just went to that person face to face instead of venting in my blog. Now my relationship with that person is slim to none. Then I start a new job and my boss goes into the hospital and is still there. Maybe I am cursed or the city is or the combo of two. Then I try to help someone else and again it back fires on me and causes another night of lack of sleep because I worry what will happen next. It just seems like I can't win at anything. I'm done... I can't emotionally take the stress of others and I'm done trying to help people. Maybe I did get the wrong degree. I should of majored in business or something because psychology makes you want to help people and that is what I like to do but instead it back fires on me. I'm cursed I tell you. I'm cursed. I just want to go back 9 years ago when I was happy, healthy and had no worries other than should we eat dinner on the patio or inside. Or even back to CT. where I could be me and no one cared, they loved me for me. I'm just so sad and wish I could end it. Not my life because that's the easy way but just SD. I can't wait until these years are up and we can move again. This place is cursed or again is it me? It's almost like what came first the chicken or the egg? If I didn't have to work this mornign I would of went back to bed and hopefully not wake up until tomorrow, when I can start a fresh new day, because this day looks like its doomed already.
posted by carmen @ 7:53 AM

1/11/06

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Life My card
Name: Carmen Manning
Childhood ambition: to be a "tray passer in a hospital" yes I know I had big dreams. I'm a people person and I wanted to meet people and take care of them at the same time so why not?
fondest memory: birth of my son
soundtrack: grease
retreat: yoga class
wildest dream: anyone when I'm flying (literally)
proudest moment: anytime I look in Dominic eyes
biggest challenge: being strong for my family
alarm clock: 7am but soon to be sooner (I hope if I get a job)
perfect day: when I am breathing good and am not winded
first job: "3 sisters" clothing store
indulgence: wine and pedicures
last purchase: manicure, pedicure, and eyebrow wax
favorite movie: Outsiders, and The Color Purple but it is so much more that hit my top 20 list
inspiration: my husband and son
my life: is great even though I may try to make it not to be sometimes
my card: well not amex since I don't have one. It's more like Wachovia bank card since that is where all the money is.
mood: nervous about life and especially tomorrow (pre trial at work)
I'm feeling: better now but had a ROUGH morning but am doing ok now
If: If you could spend one whole night alone with anyone in the world who is currently alive, who would you select? This is so hard. I would say my family but I see them every night. Than I'd say my parents but I talk to them almost daily, maybe my brother because well its simply been a while but he will be here in a week, but thinking about it I thought someone famous. Then I decided no, that might not be cool for a whole night. Then I thought of someone in my family but I'm so close to them that I know I'd get this chance in a heartbeat if I really wanted. I thought I'd really like to spend some quality time with my brother in law. Alone, no husband, wife or children but decided that wouldn't happen so then I decided that I would like to spend a whole night with myself. That's right I'd pick me. I'm alive, and a person so why not. That way no one gets mad that I pick them or if I don't pick them. I'm still alive and I am a person last time I checked so why not? I'd stay at the casino (anyone that has non- smoking) and enjoy myself. Gamble, buffet, massage, dance club. Everything I wanted to do at my own speed. That sounds awesome to me!!!
posted by carmen @ 8:03 PM

1/6/06

Friday, January 06, 2006

Miners last words
I am so glad that they were able to write this before they passed. Some people have given me grief over my blog, some have supported me and others don't mention it at all. I guess evaluating my reasons on why do a blog it's simply the same reason why these miners wrote this letter. When anyone has a near death experience such as I did twice. More so the second time from what I hear from the nurses and doctors, you change. It may be for the worse or better I guess it all depends. I think if I was to get shot, I would be angry and want revenge and so I would look at life as a evil place to live and take it out on others. But I think when you face death for a reason like I did; a collasped lung, or anyone with cancer or a heart attack and then they survive they probably first count their blessings. Maybe then you will doubt God, like I did. I wondered "Why me, What did I do so wrong to let me have a disease that is incurable, why are you trying to take me from my family and friends at such a young age." But once you realize that know matter what happens God has a plan for you. You may not agree at times but things do happen for a reason and I don't think God has it "out for me" or anything crazy like that, I believe now he knew I'd be strong enough to handle the punches and move forward. So once you go through these stages and I can only speak of my experience you then really want to make sure you leave your "soul print" or "foot print" if you will to everyone you've come across in your life. Yes I could sit down and write every single person I've ever met in my life a letter and tell them how they touched my life. But "What if" I don't get to the last names in my address books that are at the end of my book. What if I can't get past the Picards, or Palmers in my address book and never get to tell the Simons, Rosado's. Sylvia's, Renn's,Wimmers, White's, Walton's, Yarbarough's or Zabattas how I feel about them and thank them for being in my life? What if God decides to take me before I get to everyone in my email address book or my old fashion written address book? Then none of these people would know how I felt yesterday, today, or tomorrow about life or myself and about them.I scrap book so Mike, Dominic and who ever will have photos and memories of the events that take place in our lives at that time; but honestly you can only take so many pictures. I didn't want a camera in the hospital with a chest tube sticking out of one side and IV's attached to my shoulder because I have such bad veins, or with my bruises all over my arms from trying to draw blood from me or from giving me that terribly painful shots that they gave me twice a day so I wouldn't have blood clots. But they are still memories; very vivid memories that have made me who I am today.So I write this blog and try my hardest to keep up with it everyday, not to piss anyone off by my opinions or ideas or language but to be able to say I left people, the people that I have come across in my life with something. Something so they can see how I was feeling on this day or what made me laugh that day, or who made me cry on the other day. I write it because I get shy (yes me) when I want to tell someone I love them, or miss them or that I look up to them or that they have changed my life by being in it. And I have debated going from a blog to a private journal but have decided that having a public journal gets my word out to the people that I talk to today or have lost touch with over the years. It gives everyone a chance to read my last words before my times up.This isn't a entry of saying good bye to anyone because I still plan on being around for many years but just In case. In case, I get in a car accident, struck by lighting, have a heart attack, or collaspe a lung again and don't make it, or even more fun laughing myself to death (which I swore I was going to do at times). Because no one ever knows when their time is up. NO ONE!!!Mood: Happy I got to see the miners last words. It was truly inspiring.I'm feeling: again really good, I went to the gym and took Cay for a short walk.Quote:"The quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important."Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

1/1/06

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year brings new beginnings!
2006!!! Wow once upon a time that seemed like such a long like ago. I thought back in the day we'd be driving around like the Jetsons but I guess maybe that will be 3000's now instead of the 2000's. I'm trying to look back over the year to reflect so lets see what happened over the year.1-05 I woke up with a hang over and a messy house due to our huge New Years Eve party. Woke up swearing I'd lose weight and quit drinking during the week. (I think that lasted about 3 months.)2-05 Dominic had his last birthday party in CT but he still had a great time with his friends, as usual we over did it for his birthday. We also had our annual wine and cheese party for the Daytona 5003-05 I can't really remember anything jumping out at me in March.4-05 Mike and I celebrated our 8 years together and we went to our first Navy formal dance and went to the Sub Ball. It was a lot of fun dressing up and spending the night at the casino. I won I remember but of course I lost it the next day.5-05 we had a memorial day party and it was again one of our crazy, fun parties.6-05 We went to Quebec for the last time to celebrate my moms birthday with her and as usual had a blast with them and in Quebec.7-05 Michael made chief and I celebrate my last birthday in CT.8-05 had to say good bye to CT. And friends there as well. It was extremely hard to say good bye to Amy and Jordan but we promised that we'd keep in touch and so far we've done a good job doing it. Got to see family along the way which was awesome and enjoyed an Emo's pizza and toasted Ravilos in STL , which I hadn't done since 89 so it was awesome to go back to my roots again. Mike had to go back to CT. And D and I stayed and got formilar with San Diego.9-05 D started school, football, and I started a job in San Diego. Started to feel more like home but still hadn't replaced CT. Yet.10-05 I collasped a lung and had to rush my parents out here to take care of me and D because Mike was out to sea. Got out of the hospital and again I collasped my lung again. Missed Dominic's first Halloween in SD but Loreen came to take care of him and me. Michael got to fly home for a bit but had to go back to end his last days aboard the boat.11-05 finally stayed out of the hospital, Mike finally was a permanent resident to SD and I decided not to go back to my job because it'd be to physically demanding on me.12-05 was on many waiting list and still am for a few jobs at the county and school board. Spent the holidays with Michaels family which was a change but was absolutely wonderful to have his family here. Most important I finished one of my goals which was I got my bachelors degree. Sadly I lost a good friend this month, but I know in my heart she will be my angel looking over me and everyone else's lives she touched.So reviewing the year it hasn't been so bad. But for this year I am wishing for health (much better than what I have now), happiness for my family and friends, to be able to buy a home (once I get a job), and since I'm mentioning it I hope to get a job in the next two weeks. So I'm getting over the negative of 05 and asking for only positive things in 06. May everyone have a wonderful year and may I keep my resolution longer this year than any other year. For those who forgot my resolution it's to keep my opinions to myself unless asked. So good luck to everyone with their Resolutions and Happy New Year.Mood- extremely excited about the New YearQuote- "Learn as much by writing as by Reading." Lord Acton

12/29/05

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I lost a friend today!

To my favorite Georgia Bulldog buddy. You will surely be missed by me. I never had a friend that shared my excitement for the Bulldogs until I met you. See you in heaven Girlfriend. We'll party up there like we did down here. I'm glad I got to meet you and I will always remember the good times we had. I know now you will be an angel looking after us all.
Bless you and see you up there one day.
mood: deeply sad

12/14/05

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Here's Johnny!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't know what is wrong with me. I'm having those pains again in my ribs and chest like when I first had my operation. They went away but now are back and I also feel like I want to throw up all the time. What's wrong with me Lord? Please tell me. I don't want to be this whiner I've become but man I'm hurting. I'm thinking I pulled something at the gym and that I'm just fighting a cold because I have been sneezing a lot today but the pain is terrible. I have been taking my pain medicines again because motrin just doesn't cut it anymore. I sure hope it's nothing too serious. I know I know I should go to he doctors and get it checked out but I need to take my final exam on Monday and can't miss it for nothing. So I promise if the pain still is there after Monday morning I will go in to hospital and see Dr. Granims or Shah.I spoke to a Nancy today regarding a bookkeeping position at a company. She seemed really nice and personable and acted like she was interested in me. I was very honest with her just like my resume shows, that I haven't been in the office field in quite sometime and am looking for an entry level position just to get back into the swing of things. She was pretty cool about that and said it would be an entry level position and that she's most likely be calling me back next week for an interview face to face. So that was promising. Wish me luck with that, or the school board, or the county or actually anything at this point to get me out of the house. It's so fucking boring here during the day. I know you are probably saying well get out. I should but then I think that cost money, even just to drive around is going to cost money for gas so I'm so worried about money that I just stay home and bore myself and you guys who actually read this.Now I am starting to regret not going back to the place where the kids put there period on you and spit at you and hit you. Really at this point I thinking I could of probably sucked it up. Am I really saying that? Do I mean what I'm saying? I don't know, I think I'm just loosing my mind. I am starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in the shining. Soon I'll be typing over and over that thing he wrote "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. " But I'll use Carmen and dull girl instead. No I'm not that crazy yet am I? But I can see myself getting cabin fever and am glad that tomorrow I am going to dinner with a few girlfriends, and actually look forward to going to sylvan learning center to take my exam. Again just to get out.Well I'm going to sleep and maybe once my exam is over I'll rent that movie now that I have brought it up.Red rum, red rum, red rum What's that spell backwards....Hummmmmm........All jokes beside, that movie truly was a classic horror movie wasn't it? One of my favorite books and movies.

12/05/05

Monday, December 05, 2005

Pull the covers over my head
I should have known when I over slept today that it wasn't going to be a good day. Dominic woke up extremely sensitive and crying, I believe this is because he was over tired. He woke up on Sunday at 5am and never went back to sleep. I believe this was because he was so excited for the game. To make a long story short, he stayed home from school and slept until 11:30am. I think he really was tired. Poor guy. I usually would not let him stay home but I could just tell by the looks in his eyes he was just so over tired that if he did go to school today he wouldn't of been very productive.I got out of bed which was my first mistake, I should of just stayed in bed because I was winded and coughing. Man, I thought that these days were over. I guess they aren't. My side is aching from coughing so much and I had to take pain medicine to help me one calm down and two get over the pain in my side and chest. The bad thing was that I had to get my flu shot today. Dr. Shah told me that I needed to get my shot soon because the window of getting them is almost over, or something like that. So not by choice I drove under the influence of pain killers which I should never do because it's dangerous and I got lost due to all these highways. Then me getting lost caused me to panic which in return caused me to have anxiety which then caused me to get more pain in my side and chest. Oh this endless cycle. Make it stop, make it stop.Once I got to the hospital it took 30 minutes finding parking and that was with a handicap sticker, man I new I should of just pulled the covers over my head this morning. Anyways, I got my shot, drove home and fell asleep because if you've never been on valium and vicodin they cause you to be very tired. Took a nap and woke up still with pain in my side and winded. So, now I'm going to take some more medicine and got to sleep at what seems to be 7pm or earlier. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for me.As Jerry Springer would say "Take care of yourself and each other" Until tomorrow,Carmen in San Diego

11/30/05

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

All alone in the house.
Today was a strange day. It was the first time I have been alone since I got back from the hospital. All the company is gone, Dominic is in school and Michael had to go back to work today. It's a strange feeling, almost sad but I got a lot of homework done which I know I would of not been able to do if I have people in the house.I went to the gym today for the first time since 10/19. Man did I suck. I took a body sculpting class which is a weights class. I used to be able to hold 10-15 pound weights but now I could barely hold the 2 pound weights without getting winded. It's funny how fast your body loses its muscle tone so quickly. Anyways, it did feel great getting back there and not giving up because I was using pencils as weights. LOL!!!Started my new asthma medicine and I can feel a difference already. I can walk up the stairs with barely any stop in between flights. Yea me!!! I knew it was something more than my operation. Maybe one day I'll be able to run up them. Yeah I know I'm pushing it a little far but don't be hating. :)Matt was the Biggest Loser and man does he look better. Suzy is hot, and I don't even like blondes but she's looking good. You go Girlfriend! I really need to become the biggest loser and more than just being the biggest loser because I lost (quit) my job. I need to get off my ass and start moving it a little. Today was a good start and tomorrow I'm going to take the yoga class.My lovely son cut his hair today. Well not him himself but he has finally given up on the locks of love and has asked me enough times to cut it that I finally gave in. I almost cried when she started cutting. I really liked his long hair and it was for a good cause. Oh well I give him credit for letting in grow for 14 months anyhow, I just miss his little curls. Maybe he wont want to get it cut for a while and decide to let it grow again. That would make my day. He's still a cutie anyhow.Looking forward to Lost tonight. That really is the only show other than 24 that we all agree on. Oh and the reruns of Everyone loves Raymond. So it's nice to have us all curl up on the couch and watch T.V. Manning Out!

11/18/05

Friday, November 18, 2005

Here's to you Amy J.
Things I'm grateful for:
My husband for sticking to his marriage vows and loving my in sickness and in health.
My son for even when I'm sick or can't do some of the things that other moms can do he still makes the best of me and always thinks positive.
all my family who love me for me and keep me strong when I'm feeling down.
all my friends for the same reason.s, for being there when I need them the most.
for my dog Caya, who always seems to know when I need a kiss (or lick in her case).
my health even though it's not the best, I'm still alive and can enjoy all the above still.
the color of my eyes believe it or not. It' s the favorite part of my whole body besides my feet and I hope one day when my time has come to move upstairs I'll be able to pass them on to a blind person or something like that.
for sunsets and sunrises
for God who helps me get out of bed when I'm feeling down.
for the poem "Footprints" because that helps me understand sometimes what really is going on when I start to not believe in my God for the cards I've been dealt.
almost completing my degree, the count down begins I'm weeks away from having my Bachelors in Psychology.
red wine on cold nights
cold beer, white wine, or rum/coke on hot nights
music to listen to while I'm in rush hour traffic
my favorite TV shows like Biggest Loser, Survivor, Run's House, House, Lost, Dr. Phil and Oprah, and Big Brother when it's on.
Howard Stern (only his radio show, but not his TV show) I'll have to get satellite radio here soon because the FDA are kicking him off the radio finally. He's pretty amusing during my drives to work.
Doctors and medicine even though they were on my list of things I'm sick of, I really am grateful for them because who knows where I'd be if they weren't around.
my blog because it helps me to vent
being able to be a good listener when people need to have someone just listen with out given them advice.
The Navy for providing us a pretty good life. Even though it is hard at times being a Navy wife I am thankful for the things they have provided our family with.
living in America where freedom of speech is usually accepted.
memories both good and bad because they are what make me who I am today, at this very moment.
This list could go on for ever but I gave myself 45 minutes to do it, and so these were the ones that came to mind first. By no means are they in any order, just what came to my head at the time I started writing.
Until later:
CRM

11/17/05

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Go Dominic!!!!!
Dominic has had such an awesome week that I had to share with all of you. First my parent teacher conference went very well. He has as of now one A, 4 B's and 3 C's. This is a shock because he's never got an A or B I don't believe in all his school years. He's always been my average Joe and got mostly C's. So we were very pleased with the improvement he's had this year. All his teachers in CT. told me that they felt that he'd catch up one day and do really well and I guess they were right and this was his year. Hopefully his grades stay this well through the school year. I'd be so pleased. Regardless he is the best son anyone could ask for know matter what his grades are but that just makes it all the better. Tonight was his Banquet for football. It was a little unorganized at first but at the end the coaches gave speeches and handed out 6 game footballs to various players who stood out. Believe it our not Dominic was one of them. The coach was saying how in the beginning he couldn't run, couldn't block or tackle, he couldn't karoke (which is a exercise that they do). He simply said he was a mess and probably the worse player on the team. But, by game 5 he was the one makeing all the tackles on the field and just showed so much improvement all together that they had to give him a ball for "Most improved defensive player. The whole team cheered for him and patted him on the head. The coach also mentioned and made it very clear that he was only eight years old playing with 10-13 year olds "He's the youngest player on the team" the coach said, "And yet he played just as good if not better than any of the other 12 year olds on the team." We were so proud of him and you can tell by the expression on his face that he was proud of himself as well. I love you D and am so proud of you.

Sunday November, 13 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

My first outing since ......
I woke up with Dominic giving my tea in bed. He's such a wonderful kid. I couldn't ask for a better son. Really!!! Considering everything he's had to deal with, with my illness; doctor visits, being sick, chemo, pills, hospital stays, 911 calls ect... He still seems to keep on trucking and always have a smile on his face. He doesn't deserve this. Me being sick. No one deserves the stress I've put in their life with this dumb disease I have; not Michael, not D, not mom or dad not Nick or any of my other family members or friends, but especially for the people who live with me and have to deal with my limits everyday. I wish I could be more normal so to say at least for Dominic's sake. I miss the days of bike riding with him and playing chase but I guess he understands. I hope he does....Today was my first outing since coming home from the hospital and all though I was extremely excited about getting out and putting on clothes other than PJ's and wearing make up and a bra it didn't go as well as I had planned it to. I must say I looked good. (I know that sounds a little over confident but I did). I've lost 15 pounds on my new "Chest tube Diet." LOL!!! And I feel better about my appearance because of it. I wore more makeup than I have in a very long time. Did my hair and even, get this, wore a skirt that showed my legs (a little). So I must of been feeling good about myself or the drugs haven't wore off yet and they are playing tricks on me. So we started off with going to church which at times doing the pew exercises that Episcopals and Catholics alike make you do had me a little bit winded so I ended up sitting for most of the time but it still was nice going to church and getting out. Next we went to the grocery store which there was probably were we went wrong. I did fine at church but walking around the isles and trying to get food for the next two weeks wore the hell out of me. I started to cough and get real winded and worn out. I had to sit and let Dominic and Mike do the rest. I felt like such a handicap that I couldn't even get the grocery list done but Mike and Dominic like always stayed positive and finished it for me. Both of them at different times told me that they were proud of me for doing as much as I did for only being home for a week, but for anyone that knows me, knows that it's hard to have to rely on others to do things for me. So after that we went right home and since I was having some pain in my chest I took a vicodin which was my first one in three days and took a long winters (ok I know it's still fall but still) nap. I panned on cooking dinner for them tonight as well actually I had planned on doing a lot like help clean the house, do laundry and help Mike with the spare bedroom but have come to the conclusion that I'm just not ready yet. My strength is not fully back yet and so I have to suck it up and rely on my love ones to help me out still. Tomorrow is a new day and I don't have any plans to leave the house so I think I'll fold clothes while watching the lovely day time shows. Just kidding I hate daytime TV. That is the main reason why I want my strength back so I can go back to work and not be stuck here watching the dumb shows that they show in the daytime. I feel bad for anyone who stays home because there really isn't nothing to watch until 3pm when Dr. Phil is on. Getting tired again so I'm signing off. I enjoy writing my blog even though it may just be mumble jumble it seems to be my highlight of the day sometimes and I like being able to express myself with out having to worry about offending anyone because this is my blog, my thoughts and my ideas. No one else's. Have a Happy Happy Sunday!!!!!C.

Wed. November 09, 2005

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Things I'm sick of:
Things I'm sick of these days:
being winded
missing my husband
not having the energy to walk up 8 steps to get to my kitchen
having pain in my right side from my surgery
coughing
having to pretend I'm strong so people don't worry about me when I truly am not these days
feeling anxiety
worrying about having another pnuemothorax
waiting for day five to get here since that is when I had my second pnuemothorax
after day 5, then worrying if it is going to happen any time after that.
worrying about dying
the Navy not letting my husband be with his family
having to rely on everyone to do everything for me
not being able to cook
not being able to sleep in my bed because there's to many steps to get to it
not be able to take a shower in a bathtub because again there is to many steps to get to the bathroom.
doctors and visits
being handicapped
having people worry about me
having this "woe me" feelings
not being able to go to work
not being able to enjoy San Diego
not being about to run around and play with Dominic
not being able to enjoy a walk without having to stop to catch my breath
school or actually just this last class
worrying about money
Rams losing
To sum it all up I'm just sick of the "me" that I have become these few days and realize that I need to keep my chin up high and get over it and move forward. As my mom told me yesterday "Learn to live in the now." As hard as that is to do I really need to try and focus on that and just have patience with myself and my recovery

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-- Robert Frost